Okungafanele ukwenze engxabanweni nomlingani: umbono wezazi zokusebenza kwengqondo

Uvame ukuthola ukuthi umlingani wakho akajabule ngawe ngesikhathi engxoxweni mayelana nelondolo noma izinhlelo zesikole zezingane. Uyathukuthela futhi uyazivikela. Kubonakala sengathi umlingani ufuna onecala futhi uyakuhlasela.

Nokho, ukusabela okunjalo kungadala izinkinga ezengeziwe. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uJohn Gottman sibiza ukuzivikela okunonya kwabangane bomshado njengezinye zezimpawu zesehlukaniso.

UGottman nabangane bakhe sebeneminyaka engu-40 befunda ngokuziphatha kwemibhangqwana, bezama ukuthola izizathu eziholela ekuhlukaneni komkhaya. Ukubonakaliswa kwabo kungatholakala emindenini eminingi - sikhuluma ngokugxeka okungakhi, izinkulumo ezihlambalazayo, ukuzivikela kanye nokubanda kwemizwelo.

NgokukaGottman, isimo sokuzivikela "siyavuleka" siphendula noma yikuphi ulaka olucatshangelwayo oluvela kumlingani. Yini engenziwa ngaphambi kokuba inkinga iqale ukucekela phansi ubuhlobo?

Ungaphakamisi izwi lakho

“Lapho siqala ukuzivikela ngonya, isifiso esingokwemvelo sokuphakamisa izwi sivele sivele,” kusho umelaphi womndeni u-Aaron Anderson. “Kuwumphumela wezinkulungwane eziningi zeminyaka yokuziphendukela kwemvelo. Ngokuphakamisa izwi lakho, uzama ukwesabisa oxoxa naye futhi uzibeke endaweni evelele. Kodwa awufuni ukuthi umlingani wakho azizwe engakhululekile lapho ukhona. Ngakho esikhundleni sokuphakamisa izwi, zama ukuligcina liphansi. Lokhu kuzokusiza wena nophathina wakho ukuthi okungenani niphume endaweni yokuzivikela. Uzomangala ukuthi ukukhulumisana kuzoba mnandi kangakanani.

Zibuze: kungani ngizivikela?

“Uma sibona isidingo sokuzivikela, sisabela ekuhlukumezekeni esake sakuthola. Ngokuvamile lokhu kubangelwa umndeni esakhulela kuwo. Okuxakayo wukuthi uma sesikhulile sifuna omaqondana esizobhekana nabo ubunzima obufana nesabo kusukela sisebancane. Yithi kuphela esingabhekana nokulimala. Ukuqeda isidingo sokuzivikela, kubalulekile ukubheka ngaphakathi futhi ubhekane nomuzwa wokuba sengozini, ”kusho umelaphi womndeni uLiz Higgins.

Lalelisisa umlingani wakho esikhundleni sokuphikisa

“Lapho umxhumanisi edabukile futhi edabukile, kulula ukuqala ukucabanga ngecebo lokuhlasela. Uma ushintshela kulokhu, uzoyeka ukuzwa ukuthi umlingani wakho ufuna ukuthini. Kuyafaneleka ukulalela ngokucophelela yonke into futhi uthole okuthile ongavumelana nakho. Chaza lokho ovumelana nakho nalokho ongavumelani nakho,” kusho isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo yomkhaya uDaniella Kepler.

Ungasishiyi isihloko

“Yiqaphele indaba okukhulunywa ngayo,” kusho u-Aaron Anderson. – Uma sizivikela, siyakhohlwa esikhuluma ngakho bese siqala ukuklelisa izinkinga zobudlelwano ngomzamo “wokushaya” umlingani wethu futhi siwine ingxabano. Ngenxa yalokho, ingxoxo iqala ukuhamba embuthanweni. Ukuvimbela lokhu ukuthi kungenzeki, gxila odabeni olukhona futhi umelane nesilingo sokuveza ezinye izindaba, noma ngabe ucabanga ukuthi zihlobene nesihloko sengxoxo.

Thatha umthwalo wemfanelo

“Labo abavame ukuzivikela bavame ukubonisa abalingani babo ukuthi bamfunela okungcono kakhulu,” kusho umelaphi womndeni uKari Carroll. Ngakho-ke, lapho umlingani wabo ezwakalisa isidingo esithile, ngokushesha baqala ukuthethelela ukuthi kungani bengakwazanga ukumnika lona, ​​kuyilapho bezikhulula kuwo wonke umthwalo wemfanelo futhi bezama ukunciphisa inkinga.

Ngezinye izikhathi baze bazenze izisulu futhi baqale ukukhononda: “Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ngenzani, akwanele ngawe!” Ngenxa yalokho, umlingani unomuzwa wokuthi izidingo zakhe ziyancipha futhi azinakwa. Kukhona ukunganeliseki. Kunalokho, ngiphakamisa ukuthi imibhangqwana eza kimi iziphathe ngendlela ehlukile: lalela ngokucophelela lokho umlingani akhathazeke ngakho, vuma ukuthi uyayiqonda imizwa yakhe, uthathe umthwalo wemfanelo futhi uphendule isicelo.

Yeqa okuthi "kodwa"

“Awufuni ukusebenzisa igama elithi ‘kodwa’,” kweluleka umelaphi womkhaya u-Elizabeth Earnshaw. - Ngizwa amaklayenti ethi kumlingani imisho ethi "Usho izinto ezinengqondo, kodwa ...", emva kwalokho azama ukufakazela ukuthi umlingani unephutha noma ukhuluma umbhedo. Babonisa ukuthi lokho abafuna ukukusho kubaluleke kakhulu kubo kunalokho okushiwo umlingani wabo. Uma ufuna ukuthi «kodwa», zibambe. Yithi, «Ukhuluma izinto ezinengqondo» bese uqedela umusho.

Musa "ukuhlakanipha"

"Amakhasimende ami aqala ukugxeka izitatimende zozakwethu efomini, isibonelo: "Usebenzisa igama elithi nokuthi ngokungalungile!" UKari Carroll uthi “Emibhangqwaneni ejabulayo, abalingani bafuna indlela yokulalela izicelo nezifiso zomunye nomunye.”