Okuqukethwe
Kungani, lapho ekugcineni uthatha isinqumo sokugqashula ubudlelwano obukuqede amandla, ingabe umlingani wakho, njengenhlanhla angaba nayo, asebenze futhi aqale ukuhuqa phambi kwamehlo akho? Kuphakathi kokuthi uzozikhumbuza yena ngocingo noma ngesipho, noma uzomane eze azophotha amanga ngentshiseko? Ahambe kanjani uma engavumi?
Sonke sifuna ukuphila ngokuvumelana nenjabulo, kodwa, ngeshwa, lokhu akunjalo ngaso sonke isikhathi. Abanye besifazane bahlupheka kakhulu ebudlelwaneni. Emzamweni wokubuyisa uthando, bazama izindlela ezahlukahlukene, kodwa lapho nje bekhipha umoya ngokukhululeka ukuthi konke sekuphumelele, i-idyll iyawa ngokuphazima kweso. Baphila kusuka emahlazweni kuya kumahlazo. Kwesinye isikhathi izingxabano zingahambisana nokushaywa.
Ngolunye usuku banquma ukuthi ngeke kuqhubeke kanje, kodwa ukuhlukana nobudlelwane, kuvela, akulula kangako.
“Bengingahamba, kodwa akangivumeli ukuba ngihambe,” bayachaza. Eqinisweni, isizathu siwukuthi abesifazane abanjalo abakakulungeli ukuthwala umthwalo wezimpilo zabo, futhi kuyazuzisa ukuba bahlale bencike ngokomzwelo kumlingani. Ake sibone ukuthi kungani lokhu kwenzeka nokuthi senzenjani ngakho.
Umsuka wenkinga
Ubudlelwano lapho abalingani “bengenakukwazi ukuphila ngaphandle komunye nomunye” busekelwe ebuntwaneni. Izingane azigcini nje ngokukopisha izibonelo zobudlelwane babazali, kodwa zona ngokwazo zakhiwe endaweni lapho zithanda khona noma zifuna ukwenza kabusha, ukuhlonipha noma ukucindezela izifiso zomunye nomunye, lapho ziqiniseka khona noma zithandabuza amandla elungu ngalinye lomndeni.
Uma ubudlelwano ebuntwaneni babukude nempilo, izingane zikhula zibe abantu abadala abakhubazekile abafuna «umlingani womphefumulo» ukuze bavale izikhala ngokwabo. Ngokwesibonelo, uma abazali bebeka izifiso zabo, abaqondi kahle ukuthi bafunani, bafuna othile ozobanakekela, futhi eqinisweni banikeza omunye umuntu umthwalo wemfanelo wokuphila kwabo.
Ngenxa yalokho, ngisho nalapho ubuhlobo bubangela ukuhlupheka okungabekezeleleki, kubonakala kungenakwenzeka ukunquma ngokuhlukana. Ku-psychology, ubudlelwane obunjalo bubizwa ngokuthi i-co-dependent, okungukuthi, labo abalingani bancike komunye nomunye.
Kungani kunzima kangaka ukunquma ukuhamba?
1. Ukuntula ukuqonda ukuthi enye, ukuphila okujabulisayo kungenzeka
Kubonakala sengathi ukuphila kwamanje kuyinto evamile, ngoba kwakungekho okunye okuhlangenwe nakho phambi kwamehlo ami. Ukwesaba okungaziwa kunamandla amakhulu - noma awufuni "ukushintsha insipho ngensipho".
2. Ukukhathazeka ngokuthi izinto zizoba zimbi kakhulu ngemva kokuhlukana
Manje siphila okungenani, futhi okuzokwenzeka ngokulandelayo akucaci.
3. Ukwesaba ukuba wedwa
"Akekho ozokuthanda njengoba enza, noma akekho ozokuthanda ngokwesimiso." Akukho okuhlangenwe nakho kokuphila okujabulisayo ngokwakho, ngakho ukwesaba ukushiya ubuhlobo kufana nokwesaba ukufa.
4. Isidingo sokuvikelwa
Kubi ukungakwazi ukubhekana nempilo entsha - ngokuzondla wena nezingane zakho, uma zikhona. Ngifuna ukuvikelwa umuntu omkhulu nonamandla.
Uhlu lokwesaba alupheli, futhi bazonqoba nakanjani futhi ngeke bayeke kuze kube yilapho owesifazane eqaphela isizathu esiyinhloko. Kubandakanya iqiniso lokuthi bobabili abalingani banezinzuzo ezithile eziqulekile zokuhlala ebudlelwaneni obubuhlungu. Bobabili naye.
Imodeli yezengqondo yobudlelwano obuncikene ichazwa ngokuphelele ngunxantathu we-Karpman
Ingqikithi yayo iwukuthi umlingani ngamunye uvela kwenye yezindima ezintathu: Umhlengi, Isisulu noma Umshushisi. Isisulu sihlala sihlupheka, sikhala ngokuthi impilo ayinabo ubulungiswa, kodwa akajahile ukulungisa isimo, kodwa ulinda uMhlengi ukuba eze azomsiza, amzwele futhi amvikele. UMhlengi uyeza, kodwa ngokushesha noma kamuva, ngenxa yokukhathala nokungakwazi ukuhambisa Isisulu, uyakhathala futhi aphenduke uMshushisi, ajezise Lowo oyisisulu ngenxa yokungabi nakuzisiza.
Lo nxantathu uzinze ngendlela emangalisayo futhi uhlala inqobo nje uma ababambiqhaza benezinzuzo zesibili zokuhlala kuwo.
Izinzuzo Zesibili Zokuhlala Ebudlelwaneni
UMhlengi uthola ukuzethemba ngesidingo soMhlukumezi: uyabona ukuthi akayi ndawo kuye.
Isisulu singaba buthakathaka, sikhononde ngabanye futhi ngaleyo ndlela sithole isivikelo soMhlengi.
Umshushisi, ehlisa intukuthelo yakhe kuMhlukumezi, uzizwa enamandla futhi angakwazi ukugomela ngezindleko zakhe.
Ngakho, ukuze uthole izinzuzo, ngamunye kunxantathu udinga omunye. Ngezinye izikhathi ubuhlobo obunjalo buhlala impilo yonke, futhi abahlanganyeli kunxantathu bangashintsha izindima ngezikhathi ezithile.
Ungaphuma kanjani ebuhlotsheni obunjalo?
Kungenzeka ukuphula lo mjikelezo kuphela ngemva kokuqaphela okwenzekayo futhi uphenduke kumuntu oncike komunye umuntu abe umuntu ozimele, onomthwalo wemfanelo.
Ngesinye isikhathi, mina ngokwami ngawela ogibeni lwe-codependency futhi ngahamba ibanga elide ngaphambi kokushiya ubuhlobo obubuhlungu futhi ngakha obunempilo. Ukubuyisela kungenzeka ngezindlela ezahlukene, kodwa izigaba eziyinhloko ziyefana. Ngizobachaza ngesibonelo sami.
1. Qonda izinzuzo zesibili zenyunyana yamanje
Ukuthi usebudlelwaneni obuncikene nawe kukhomba ukuthi kukhona okushodayo. Manje uhlangabezana nalezi zidingo ngezindleko zomlingani, kodwa empeleni ungakwenza ngaphandle kwakhe, nakuba ungazi ukuthi kanjani okwamanje.
2. Qaphela ukuthi uthola malini uthando.
Endabeni yami, kwakuhlale kuphazamisekile izinhlelo, ukukhathazeka okuqhubekayo, impilo ebuthaka, ukuntuleka kokuphumula, ukucindezeleka, futhi ekugcineni ukulahlekelwa yimina njengomuntu wesifazane. Ukuqonda lokhu kwanginika ithuba lokubona engangiguqule ukuphila kwami kwaba yikho, ukuzwa “iphansi” lami futhi ngigudluke kukho.
3. Funda ukuhlangabezana nezidingo zakho ukuze uzisize
Futhi ngenxa yalokhu kubalulekile ukuzizwa, ukuba ube umzali omuhle kuwe, ufunde ukucela usizo futhi wamukele. Lokhu kungenziwa, isibonelo, ngokuthola ulwazi olusha lobudlelwane obunempilo ehhovisi lesazi sokusebenza kwengqondo futhi kancane kancane ukuhlanganisa empilweni yakho.
4. Zazi wena
Yebo, lokhu kungase kukumangaze, kodwa ngokugxila kokunye, sihamba kude nathi, asikwazi ukuhlukanisa izifiso zethu kulokho umlingani wethu akufunayo. Futhi singazisiza kanjani uma singaziqondi ukuthi singobani? Enye yezindlela ezingcono kakhulu zokuthola ukuthi uthandana nawe. Kwenzeka kanjani?
Udinga ukulungiselela, uqoke isikhathi nendawo, njengalapho uhlangana nesithandwa. Cabanga ukuthi ungathanda ukuya kuphi: ukuya ebhayisikobho, ukushaywa umoya, ukuya endaweni yokudlela. Kubalulekile ukuthi lena akuyona imibuthano nabangane, kusihlwa phambi kwesikrini sefoni, kodwa ukuphila okuphelele nokufakwa osukwini nawe.
Ekuqaleni, lo mbono ngokwawo ungase ubonakale ungenangqondo, kodwa ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, lo mkhuba ikuvumela ukuba wazi kangcono izidingo zakho nezidingo zakho, uzitike futhi, ukuzazi, unciphise ukwesaba isizungu.
5. Yazi ukuthi umlingani ngamunye unomthwalo wemfanelo yena nempilo yakhe
Futhi yeka ukucabanga ukuthi singashintsha impilo yomunye. Ukwenza lokhu, kubalulekile okungenani ukwamukela ukuthi kukuwe ukuthi ungakwazi ukwanelisa izidingo zakho noma cha. Njengoba kushiwo ngaphambili, kubalulekile ukufunda ukucela usizo nokulwamukela, futhi nokungaboni ukwenqaba ukusiza njengenhlekelele. Kubalulekile ukuthi ukwazi ukuthi «cha» lapho ungafuni okuthile.
Ngokumangalisayo, lapho sihamba kule ndlela, ukwesaba kuqala ukuncipha futhi amandla avela kancane kancane.
Lokhu akusho ukuthi ngeke kube buhlungu futhi impilo yakho izocwebezela ngokushesha ngayo yonke imibala. Kuthatha isikhathi ukuyeka ubudlelwano obake baba nenjongo. Kodwa uzobuyisela impilo yakho kuwe futhi izifiso ezivalelwe emgodini zizokhululwa.
Ngemva kokushiya ubuhlobo obubuhlungu, amakhasimende ami avame ukuqala ibhizinisi ebekade ephupha ngalo isikhathi eside, akhululeke futhi azethembe, aqale ukujabulela ukuphila, aphefumule ngokujulile futhi ayamangala ukuthi angakwazi ukuzihambela kahle.
Mina ngokwami, ngisothandweni olubuhlungu, angizange ngicabange ukuthi yimaphi amathuba impilo engawanikeza. Manje ngibhala incwadi, ngiqhuba iqembu lami engithembele kulo, ngakha ubudlelwano obuhle nomyeni wami, ngiyeka umsebenzi wami ukuze ngiphile impilo yami. Kuvele ukuthi konke kuyenzeka. Udinga nje ukuzisiza uyeke ukuthemba ukuthi omunye uzokwenzela.