Lapho ingane iyindebe

Kunezizathu eziningi zokuthi kungani enye yezingane iyintandokazi, kodwa eyinhloko ingakhethwa - "intandokazi" ifana nomama. Cabanga ngowesifazane okhathazekile futhi ohoxisiwe onezingane ezimbili - eyodwa ethule futhi elalelayo, eyesibili enamandla, ejabulisayo, ehlala ezama ukwephula imingcele. Iyiphi kuzo okuzoba lula ukuthi ayifundise?

Kuyenzeka futhi ukuthi abazali babe nezimo zengqondo ezihlukene ezinganeni ezigabeni ezahlukene zokukhula. Isibonelo, kulula kumama ophethe futhi onegunya ukukhulisa ingane encane kakhulu, ngoba omdala usevele ekwazi ukuphikisa nokuphikisana. Ngakho-ke, ingane encane ngokuvamile iba «intandokazi» kamama. Kodwa ngokuvamile lesi yisikhundla sesikhashana.

“Ezithombeni zakuqala, umama ungibambe njengonodoli wasechina ocwebezelayo. Akangibheki, kodwa ngqo ku-lens, ngoba kulesi sithombe ubonisa izinto zakhe ezibaluleke kakhulu. Ngifana nomdlwane omsulwa kuye. Yonke indawo ugqoke inaliti - umnsalo omkhulu, ingubo enhle, izicathulo ezimhlophe. Ngizikhumbula kahle lezi zicathulo - kwakufanele ngiqinisekise ukuthi akukho ndawo kuzo ngaso sonke isikhathi, kufanele zibe sesimweni esiphelele. Yiqiniso, kamuva ngaqala ukuzimela futhi, okubi nakakhulu, ngaba njengobaba, futhi umama kwakungamjabulisi neze lokhu. Wakubeka kwacaca ukuthi angikhulanga ngendlela ayeyifuna nayilindele. Futhi ngalahlekelwa indawo yami elangeni.»

Akubona bonke omama abawela kulolu gibe.

“Uma ngibheka emuva, ngiyaqaphela ukuthi umama wayenenkinga enkulu nodadewethu omdala. Wayedinga usizo ngaso sonke isikhathi, kodwa mina ngangingafuni. Khona-ke akekho owayazi okwamanje ukuthi une-obsessive-compulsive disorder, lokhu kuxilongwa kwenziwa kuye kakade lapho esekhulile, kodwa yilokho kanye iphuzu. Kodwa kuzo zonke ezinye izici, umama wazama ukusiphatha ngokulinganayo. Nakuba engazange achithe isikhathi esiningi nami njengoba enza nodadewabo, angikaze ngizizwe ngiphathwa kabi.”

Kodwa lokhu akwenzeki kuyo yonke imindeni, ikakhulukazi uma kuziwa kumama one-penchant yokulawula noma izici ze-narcissistic. Emindenini enjalo, ingane ibhekwa njengesandiso sikamama ngokwakhe. Ngenxa yalokho, ubudlelwano bukhula ngokuya ngamaphethini abikezelwayo. Enye yazo ngiyibiza nge-"trophy baby".

Okokuqala, ake sixoxe kabanzi mayelana nezimo zengqondo ezahlukene zabazali maqondana nezingane.

Umphumela wokwelashwa okungalingani

Akumangazi ukuthi izingane zizwela kakhulu kunoma yikuphi ukuphathwa ngokungalingani kwabazali bazo. Enye into ephawulekayo - ukuphikisana phakathi kwabafowethu nodadewethu, okubhekwa njengento "evamile", kungaba nomthelela ongavamile ngokuphelele ezinganeni, ikakhulukazi uma ukuphathwa okungalingani okuvela kubazali nakho kwengezwa kule "cocktail".

Ukucwaninga okwenziwa izazi zokusebenza kwengqondo uJudy Dunn noRobert Plomin kuye kwabonisa ukuthi ngokuvamile izingane zithonywa kakhulu isimo sengqondo sabazali bazo ngezingane zakubo kunokuba zithonywe zona ngokwazo. Ngokusho kwabo, “uma ingane ibona ukuthi unina ubonisa uthando nokunakekela okwengeziwe ngomfowabo noma udadewabo, lokhu kungase kumenze alahlekelwe ngisho nothando nokukhathalela akubonisayo.”

Abantu bahlelwe ngokwebhayoloji ukuba basabele ngokuqinile ezingozini nasezinsongweni ezingaba khona. Sikhumbula kangcono okuhlangenwe nakho okungalungile kunokujabulisayo nokujabulisayo. Kungakho kungaba lula ukukhumbula indlela umama ajabula ngayo ngokoqobo, egona umfowenu noma udadewenu — kanye nendlela esasizizwa sincishwe ngayo ngesikhathi esifanayo, kunalezo zikhathi lapho ayemoyizela khona futhi ebonakala ejabule ngawe. Ngesizathu esifanayo, ukuthuka, ukuthuka nokuhlekwa usulu komunye wabazali akunxeshezelwa ngesimo sengqondo esihle sowesibili.

Isimo sengqondo esingalingani ngasohlangothini lwabazali sinemiphumela eminingi engemihle enganeni — ukuzethemba kuncipha, umkhuba wokuzigxeka uyakhula, ukuqiniseka ukuthi umuntu akanamsebenzi walutho futhi akathandwa, kunokuthambekela ekuziphatheni ngendlela engafanele— ingane izama ukuheha ukunaka kuye, ingozi yokucindezeleka iyanda. Futhi-ke, ubuhlobo bomntwana nezingane zakubo buyaphazamiseka.

Lapho ingane ikhula noma ishiya ikhaya labazali, indlela yobuhlobo obumisiwe ayinakushintshwa ngaso sonke isikhathi. Kuyaphawuleka ukuthi emindenini lapho kwakukhona khona izintandokazi, amathuba okucindezeleka ekukhuleni ayanda hhayi kuphela kumuntu ongathandeki, kodwa nasezinganeni ezithandekayo.

"Kwaba sengathi ngiphakathi "kwezinkanyezi" ezimbili - umsubathi ongumfowethu omdala kanye nodadewethu omncane we-ballerina. Kwakungenandaba ukuthi ngingumfundi oqondile A futhi ngiwine imiklomelo emiqhudelwaneni yesayensi, kusobala ukuthi kwakungeyona into «enhle» ngokwanele kumama wami. Wayekugxeka kakhulu ukubukeka kwami. “Momotheka,” ephindaphinda njalo, “kubaluleke ngokukhethekile ukuba amantombazane angasho lutho amoyizele kaningi.” Kwakuwunya nje. Futhi niyazi ukuthini? UCinderella wayeyisithixo sami,” kusho omunye wesifazane.

Ucwaningo lubonisa ukuthi ukuphathwa ngokungalingani kwabazali kubathinta kabi kakhulu izingane uma zingabobulili obufanayo.

yesikhulumi

Omama ababheka ingane yabo njengezandiso zabo siqu nobufakazi bokufaneleka kwabo bakhetha izingane ezibasiza ukuba babonakale bephumelela—ikakhulukazi emehlweni abantu bangaphandle.

Indaba yakudala ingumama ozama ngengane yakhe ukuthi afeze izifiso zakhe ezingafezekanga, ikakhulukazi ezobuciko. Abalingisi abadumile abafana noJudy Garland, uBrooke Shields nabanye abaningi singabalula njengesibonelo salezi zingane. Kodwa "izingane zendondo" azihlotshaniswa nezwe lebhizinisi lokubonisa; izimo ezifanayo zingatholakala emindenini evamile kakhulu.

Ngezinye izikhathi umama ngokwakhe akaqapheli ukuthi uphatha izingane ngendlela ehlukile. Kodwa "isisekelo sokuhlonishwa kwabaphumelele" emndenini sidalwa ngokusobala futhi ngokuqaphela, ngezinye izikhathi size siphenduke isiko. Izingane emikhayeni enjalo - kungakhathaliseki ukuthi "banenhlanhla" yokuba "ingane yendondo" - kusukela zisencane ziyaqonda ukuthi umama akanandaba nobuntu babo, impumelelo yabo kuphela kanye nokukhanya abamdalula ngakho kubalulekile wakhe.

Lapho uthando nokuvunyelwa emndenini kufanele kuzuzwe, akugcini nje ngokubhebhezela umbango phakathi kwezingane, kodwa futhi kuphakamisa izinga lapho wonke amalungu omndeni ahlulelwa ngalo. Imicabango kanye nokuhlangenwe nakho "kwabanqobi" kanye "nabahluliwe" akumjabulisi muntu ngempela, kodwa kunzima kakhulu "kumntwana wendondo" ukuqaphela lokhu kunalabo asebephenduke "i-scapegoat".

“Nakanjani ngangiyingxenye ye" izingane zendondo "ngaze ngabona ukuthi ngangingazinqumela ukuthi ngenzeni. Umama wayengithanda noma wayengithukuthelele, kodwa ikakhulukazi wayengincoma ukuze azuze yena — ngesithombe, "sokugqoka amafasitela", ukuze athole uthando nokunakekelwa yena ngokwakhe angazange akuthole ebuntwaneni.

Lapho eyeka ukuthola ukwanga nokuqabula nothando kimi ayeludinga - ngisanda kukhula, futhi akazange akwazi ukukhula - futhi lapho ngiqala ukuzinqumela ukuthi ngizophila kanjani, kungazelelwe ngaba umuntu omubi kakhulu emhlabeni. okwakhe.

Bengingakhetha: ukuzimela futhi ngisho lokho engikucabangayo, noma ngimlalele buthule, nazo zonke izimfuno zakhe ezingenampilo nokuziphatha okungafanele. Ngakhetha eyokuqala, angizange nginqikaze ukumgxeka ngokusobala futhi ngahlala ngiqinisile kimina. Futhi ngijabule kakhulu kunalokho engingaba “njengengane yendondo.”

Amandla omndeni

Cabanga ukuthi umama uyiLanga, futhi izingane zingamaplanethi azungeza kuye futhi azame ukuthola ingxenye yabo yokufudumala nokunaka. Ukuze benze lokhu, bahlala benza okuthile okuzomethula ekukhanyeni okuhle, futhi bazame ukumjabulisa kukho konke.

“Uyazi ukuthi bathini: “uma umama engajabule, akekho ozojabula”? Umndeni wakithi wawuphila kanje. Futhi angizange ngibone ukuthi kwakungeyona into evamile ngaze ngakhula. Ngangingesona isithixo somndeni, nakuba ngangingeyona “imbuzi yokucasha”. "Indondo" kwakungudadewethu, yimina enganginganakwa, futhi umfowethu wayethathwa njengomuntu ohluliwe.

Sanikezwa izindima ezinjalo futhi, ingxenye enkulu, bonke ubuntwana bethu sasihambisana nazo. Umfowethu wabaleka, waqeda ekolishi ngesikhathi esebenza, futhi manje yimi ngedwa ilungu lomndeni akhuluma nalo. Udadewethu uhlala imigwaqo emibili kude nomama wakhe, angixhumani nabo. Mina nomfowethu sizinzile kahle, sijabule ngempilo. Bobabili banemikhaya emihle futhi bayaxhumana.”

Nakuba emindenini eminingi isikhundla «i-trophy child» sizinzile, kwezinye singashintsha njalo. Nansi indaba yowesifazane okwaphikelela ukuphila kwakhe okufanayo ebuntwaneni bakhe futhi kusaqhubeka ngisho namanje, lapho abazali bakhe bengasaphili:

"Isikhundla "somntwana wendondo" emndenini wethu sihlala sishintsha kuye ngokuthi ubani kithi manje oziphatha ngendlela, ngokombono kamama, ezinye izingane ezimbili kufanele ziziphathe. Wonke umuntu wazakhela amagqubu, futhi ngemva kweminyaka eminingi, lapho sesikhulile, lesi simo esishubile saqala lapho umama egula, edinga ukunakekelwa, wabe eseshona.

Ingxabano yaphinde yavela lapho ubaba wethu egula futhi eshona. Futhi kuze kube manje, noma iyiphi ingxoxo yemihlangano yomndeni ezayo ayiphelele ngaphandle kokuphikisana.

Umama ngokwakhe wayengomunye wodade abane - bonke abasondelene ngeminyaka - futhi kusukela esemncane wafunda ukuziphatha "okulungile". Umfowethu wayeyindodana yakhe yodwa, wayengenabo abafowabo esemncane. Ama-barbs akhe kanye nezinkulumo ezibhuqayo zaphathwa ngokuzithoba, ngoba "akaveli ebubini." Ezungezwe amantombazane amabili, "wayengumfana wendondo".

Ngicabanga ukuthi wayeqonda ukuthi isikhundla sakhe emkhayeni sasingaphezu kwesethu, nakuba ayekholelwa ukuthi ngangiyintandokazi kamama. Bobabili umfowethu nodadewethu bayaqonda ukuthi izikhundla zethu «esigabeni sokuhlonishwa» zishintsha njalo. Ngenxa yalokhu, besilokhu sihlushwa ukungabaza ukuthi siphila ngendlela efanele yini.

Emindenini enjalo, wonke umuntu uhlale eqaphile futhi uhlale ebuka, njengokungathi "akadlulanga" ngandlela-thile. Kubantu abaningi, lokhu kunzima futhi kuyakhathaza.

Ngezinye izikhathi ukuguquguquka kobudlelwane emndenini onjalo akugcini nje ngokuqokwa kwengane indima ye-"trophy", abazali nabo baqala ukuhlazisa noma ukululaza ukuzethemba komfowabo noma udadewabo. Zonke ezinye izingane ngokuvamile zihlanganyela ekuqineni, zizama ukuzuza umusa wabazali bazo.

“Emndenini wakithi nasendingilizini yezihlobo zizonke, udadewethu wayebhekwa njengomuntu ophelele, ngakho uma kukhona okungahambi kahle futhi kudingekile ukuba kutholakale umenzi wecala, kwakuhlale kuvele kube yimi. Lapho udadewethu eshiye umnyango ongemuva wendlu uvuliwe, ikati lethu labaleka, futhi basola mina ngakho konke. Udadewethu ngokwakhe wahlanganyela ngenkuthalo kulokhu, wayehlala eqamba amanga, enginyundela. Futhi saqhubeka nokuziphatha ngendlela efanayo lapho sikhula. Ngokubona kwami, sekuphele iminyaka engu-40 umama engakaze athi vu kudadewabo. Futhi ngani, lapho ngikhona? Noma kunalokho, wayenjalo - waze wahlukana nabo bobabili.

Amagama ambalwa ngaphezulu mayelana nabaphumelele nabahluliwe

Ngesikhathi ngifunda izindaba ezivela kubafundi, ngaphawula ukuthi bangaki abesifazane ababengathandwa ebuntwaneni futhi baze benze “izimbuzi zomhlatshelo” bathi manje bayajabula ngokuthi babengezona “izindondo”. Angisona isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo noma isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo, kodwa sekuyiminyaka engaphezu kwengu-15 ngikhuluma njalo nabesifazane ababengathandwa ngonina, futhi lokhu kwabonakala kumangalisa ngempela kimi.

Laba besifazane abazange nakancane bazame ukululaza okuhlangenwe nakho kwabo noma ukululaza ubuhlungu ababhekana nabo njengabaxoshwa emndenini wabo siqu - ngokuphambene nalokho, bakugcizelela lokhu ngazo zonke izindlela - futhi bavuma ukuthi ngokuvamile babenobuntwana obunzima. Kodwa - futhi lokhu kubalulekile - abaningi baphawula ukuthi abafowabo nodadewabo, abenza "njengama-trophies", abakwazanga ukubalekela ukuguquguquka okungenampilo kobudlelwane bomndeni, kodwa bona ngokwabo bakwazi ukukwenza - ngenxa nje yokuthi kwakufanele.

Kube nezindaba eziningi "zamadodakazi endondo" asephenduke amakhophi omama bawo - abesifazane abafanayo abangama-narcissistic abathambekele ekulawuleni ngokusebenzisa amaqhinga okuhlukanisa nokunqoba. Futhi kwakunezindaba eziphathelene namadodana ayedunyiswa futhi avikelwe - kwakufanele aphelele - kangangokuthi ngisho nangemva kweminyaka engu-45 aqhubeka ehlala endlini yabazali bawo.

Abanye baphawula ukuthi lesi simiso sobuhlobo esinonya sazuzwa isizukulwane esilandelayo, futhi saqhubeka sithonya abazukulu balabo mama ababejwayele ukubheka izingane njengezicoco.

Ngakolunye uhlangothi, ngezwa izindaba eziningi zamadodakazi akwazi ukunquma ukungathuli, kodwa avikele izithakazelo zawo. Abanye baye banqamula ukuxhumana nemindeni yabo, abanye bayaxhumana, kodwa abanqikazi ukukhomba abazali babo ngokuqondile ngokuziphatha kwabo okungafanele.

Abanye banquma ukuba "yilanga" ngokwabo futhi banikeze ukufudumala kwezinye "izinhlelo zamaplanethi". Bazikhandla ukuze baqonde ngokugcwele futhi baqaphele ukuthi kwenzekani kubo ebuntwaneni, futhi bazakhela impilo yabo - ngemibuthano yabo yabangane nomndeni wabo. Lokhu akusho ukuthi abanawo amanxeba angokomoya, kodwa bonke banento eyodwa abafana ngayo: kubo kubaluleke kakhulu hhayi lokho umuntu akwenzayo, kodwa lokho ayikho.

Ngiyibiza ngentuthuko.