Uqinisekile ukuthi uqinisile, kodwa umlingani uthi bekubonakala kuwe. Uyazi ukuthi yini ngempela oyizwile futhi oyibonile, kodwa uqala ukungabaza, ngoba umyeni wakho uthe konke kuhlukile. Ekugcineni, ufika esiphethweni: "Kusobala ukuthi kukhona okungalungile ngekhanda lami." Indaba yeqhawekazi imayelana nendlela yokubona ukukhanya kwegesi nokumisa ukwehla kwenani.
Owesifazane oneminyaka engu-XNUMX usanda kufika ezokwelashwa. Ngemva kweminyaka engamashumi amabili eshadile, wazizwa engenalutho ngokuphelele, engadingeki futhi efuna ukufa ngokushesha ngangokunokwenzeka. Ekuboneni kokuqala, zazingekho izizathu ezicacile zokuhlangenwe nakho kokuzibulala kanye nomuzwa oqhubekayo wobuhlungu obukhulu bengqondo. Izingane ezimangalisayo, indlu iyisitsha esigcwele, umyeni onakekelayo futhi onothando. Kusukela emhlanganweni kuya emhlanganweni, sasifuna izimbangela zokucindezeleka kwakhe.
Ngesinye isikhathi ikhasimende lakhumbula isigameko esenzeka eminyakeni eminingi edlule. Lo mndeni wawuzungeza eRussia ngemoto, emini “ujahwa” umshayeli weLada endala, futhi esedlule, waphenduka, waququda, ebonisa isenzo esingcolile. Bahleke kumnandi umshayeli. Lapho bebuyela ekhaya, bamema abangani, futhi iklayenti, njengomphathi wendlu, waqala ukutshela izivakashi mayelana nomxoshi, ebonisa isimo sobuso sendoda ebusweni bakhe nemibala.
Umyeni wavele wathi umkakhe udida yonke into. Umshayeli wabafica kanye nje akazange anyonyobe. Iklayenti lami laphikelela ngokuthi konke kwenzeka njengoba lalichaza. Umyeni wabuza indodana yakhe, ingabe kwakuyindlela umama achaza ngayo, noma indlela esho ngayo? Indodana yathi uyise uqinisile. Ngakho lo wesifazane wamiswa «crazy» phambi izivakashi.
Ngakusasa, ngesikhathi sasekuseni, waphinde wazama ukwakha kabusha izenzakalo, kodwa umyeni wakhe nezingane bathi wayephupha. Kancane kancane, ohlelweni lwe-psychotherapy, inkumbulo yakhipha iziqephu ezintsha zokwehla kwenani ukusuka kokungazi lutho. Umyeni wakhe akazange amnake, wagcizelela ukungafaneleki kwakhe phambi kwezingane zakhe, izihlobo nabangane. Iklayenti likhumbule ukuthi lalikhala kabuhlungu ngemva komhlangano wabazali nothisha, lapho uthisha efundela indodakazi yakhe encane indaba exakile, lapho amaphutha kanina ayebhalwe iphuzu nephuzu, kuyilapho ezinye izingane zibhala izinto ezimnandi nezinhle kuphela ngonina. .
Umgomo oyinhloko wokukhanyisa igesi uwukuhlwanyela ukungabaza komunye umuntu mayelana nokufaneleka kwakhe, ukufaneleka kwakhe.
Ngesinye isikhathi, phakathi nesidlo sakusihlwa, waqaphela ukuthi izingane kanye noyise babemhleka: umyeni wakhe wayelingisa indlela yakhe yokudla... umyeni wakhe. Uma ethola impumelelo emsebenzini, zazincipha ngokushesha noma zinganakwa. Kodwa ngesikhathi esifanayo, umyeni wayehlale ekhumbula usuku lomshado, usuku lokuzalwa nezinye izinsuku ezingasoze zalibaleka, wamnika izipho ezibizayo, wayenothando futhi emnene, ethanda ubulili.
Iklayenti lami lathola amandla okukhuluma ngokungagwegwesi nezingane futhi lathola ukuthi umyeni walo ngemuva kwalo ubenza abambisene emdlalweni walo. Imbangela yesimo sokucindezeleka kweklayenti kwatholakala kuwukuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo okuyimfihlo okuhlelekile, ochwepheshe bengqondo abakubiza ngokuthi i-gaslighting.
I-gaslighting iwuhlobo oluthile lokuhlukumeza ngokwengqondo lapho umhlukumezi ekhohlisa isisulu. Umgomo oyinhloko wokukhanyisa igesi uwukuhlwanyela ukungabaza komunye umuntu mayelana nokufaneleka kwakhe, ukufaneleka kwakhe. Ngokuvamile lo mdlalo ononya udlalwa amadoda maqondana nowesifazane.
Ngabuza iklayenti ukuthi belingakaze yini liqaphele ukuthambekela kokuhlukunyezwa ngokomzwelo ngaphambi komshado. Yebo, wakubona ukudelela nokugxeka komkhwenyana kugogo nomama wakhe, kodwa wakwazi ukumkhuthaza ngobuhlakani abathandekayo bakhe, kuyilapho eyingelosi enyameni ... Namanje empilweni yomndeni, owesifazane wazama ukuthi naka ama-barbs, ukubhula ngemibono kanye nezenzo ezifaka ukungabaza hhayi nje kuphela ngokubaluleka nokuzihlonipha kwakho, kodwa futhi nokwenelisa kwakho.
Ekugcineni, yena waqala ukukholelwa ukuthi akamele lutho emphakathini futhi, ngokuvamile, kwaba "crazy" kancane. Kodwa awukwazi ukukhohlisa umphefumulo wakho nomzimba wakho: ikhanda elibuhlungu nobuhlungu bengqondo kwamletha kimi.
I-gaslighter, njengeBluebeard, inegumbi eliyimfihlo lapho ingagcini khona izidumbu zabafazi bangaphambili, kodwa imiphefumulo eyonakele yezisulu zabesifazane.
Maqondana nalesi sigameko, ngikhumbula ukuthi uDunya Raskolnikova, udadewabo we-protagonist yenoveli kaDostoevsky ethi Crime and Punishment, watshela umfowabo ngesoka lakhe uLuzhin. U-Rodion Raskolnikov wamkhuza ngokucasuka ukuthi, echaza umkhwenyana, uvame ukusebenzisa igama elithi "kubonakala", futhi kubonakala sengathi "ubonakala" eshada ngenxa yalokhu.
Ngisho nangokwengeziwe inkinga ye-sadism efihliwe yendoda iphakanyiswa enganekwaneni ethi "Bluebeard". Njengomakoti, intombazane ikholelwa ukuthi i-Bluebeard inhle, kodwa inezinto ezingavamile. Uzicisha izinsolo zakhe, njengoba kwenza iklayenti lami, kanye nabaningi bethu.
Kodwa i-gaslighter, njengeqhawe lenganekwane, inegumbi eliyimfihlo lapho ingagcini khona izidumbu zabafazi bangaphambili, kodwa imiphefumulo eyonakele yabesifazane - izisulu zokuhlukunyezwa kwengqondo. Ngokushesha noma kamuva (kodwa kungcono ngokushesha) owesifazane kufanele acabange: kungani kubuhlungu kakhulu kuye ukuba eduze kwendoda enesithombe esiphumelelayo sangaphandle?
Ikhipha igazi ukhiye wegumbi eliyimfihlo elifihlwe ekujuleni kokungazi lutho kwethu, lapho sithumela khona konke okuzodalula iqiniso elingathandeki ukuthi kukhona umuntu odabukisayo oseduze, ofuna ukuthola amandla aphelele phezu kwethu futhi athole injabulo ebuhlungu obungokwengqondo.
Ukuphulukisa - ukubhekana ne-gaslighter - kuqala ngokubuza umbuzo ofanele ukwenza okungabonakali kubonakale. Umbono ohlosiwe walokho okwenzekayo uzokuvumela ukuthi uthuthukise isu elilungile lokuziphatha futhi wakhe imingcele yomuntu siqu ekukhulumeni ne-gaslighter.
Yini okufanele uyenze uma usola ukuthi umlingani wakho uyi-gaslighter?
- Funda ukuhlukanisa iseluleko sobungane nokusekelwa ekugxekweni ngesifiso esiyimfihlo sokuzibophezela ngezindleko zakho.
- Futhi uma uzwile insimbi ecashile yomphefumulo wakho - "kubonakala sengathi muhle kakhulu", - ungasheshi ukungena ebuhlotsheni obuseduze nalokhu "kubonakala sengathi".
- Nikeza isikhathi ukuze imfihlo idalulwe.
- Susa i-charm ye-projections ecabangela indoda, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ingase ibonakale inhle kangakanani kuwe ekuqaleni.
- Ngokuvamile, ukucasulwa okuklanywe ngobuciko okusivumela ukuba sibone ubuso bangempela be-gaslighter kusisiza ukuba sisuse imibono ekhohlisayo.
- Ungalokothi uvumele noma ubani akubize ngokuthi «sithandwa», yilapho kuqala khona izindaba eziningi ezidabukisayo.