Zinolaka futhi azinasineke, zilungele ukuqhuma noma nini. Ngisho noma ungaphinde ubacasule, basasithola isizathu sokuklabalasa. Ubudlelwano nabantu abanjalo bufana nokuhlala endaweni eyintabamlilo. Obani "abadobi bentukuthelo", yini ebaqhubayo nokuthi bangasinda kanjani ngaphansi kwengcindezi yolaka lwabo?
Emhlanganweni wokuqala, umyeni kaSonya wesikhathi esizayo wenza umbono womuntu onobuhle futhi ophumelelayo. Izinyanga eziyisishiyagalombili bethandana, wamnqoba ngokucophelela. Nokho, ngobusuku bokuqala be-honeymoon, wenza isigameko esinyantisayo ehhotela. USonya uvele wacela umyeni wakhe ukuthi amnikeze ibalazwe ledolobha. Wamemeza, "Cha!" - futhi waqala ukucekela phansi ifenisha ekamelweni lehhotela.
“Ngaqina endaweni. Wamemezela ukuthi uzongidivosa, walala. Angizange ngilale ubusuku bonke, ngizama ukuqonda ukuthi yini okufanele ngiyenze manje nokuthi lokhu kuziphatha kuhambisana kanjani nenkambiso, ”kukhumbula uSonya.
Ngakusasa ekuseni, uSonya wama endaweni ephumayo ehhotela walinda itekisi eya esikhumulweni sezindiza. Wanquma ukuthi umshado usuphelile. Umyeni wasondela, emamatheka ngokumangalisayo, wabiza lesi sigameko njengehlaya elingaphumeleli futhi wacela "ukungenzi izinto eziwubuwula."
Futhi ngemva kwesonto konke kwenzeka futhi ... Umshado wabo wathatha iminyaka emihlanu. Sonke lesi sikhathi, uSonya wayezungeza umyeni wakhe ngamazwane, esaba ulaka lwakhe. Akazange amphakamisele isandla, kodwa empeleni wabeka impilo yakhe ngaphansi kokufisa kwakhe. Ngemva kokuba iklayenti le-psychotherapist, wathola ukuthi wayeshade "nomlutha wentukuthelo."
Sonke sibhekana nentukuthelo ngezikhathi ezithile. Kodwa ngokungafani nabantu abaningi, laba bantu badinga ukondliwa ngokucasuka njalo. Umjikelezo wokulutheka kwabo uhilela ukuphumula, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kunesizathu salokho noma cha. Ngale ndlela, banelisa izidingo zangaphakathi ngokuvamile ezingahlangene nesimo esibangele ukuqubuka.
Ngaphambi komshado, kubalulekile ukuyazi kangcono indawo yalowo ozobhapathizwa ukuba abayeni.
Intukuthelo idala kanjani ukuncika ngokomzimba?
Ngesikhathi sokuqhuma kwentukuthelo, i-adrenaline ikhishelwa egazini. Le hormone isinika amandla futhi idambise ubuhlungu. Ubumnandi bokugijima kwe-adrenaline bucishe bufane phakathi nokugxuma kwepharashute kanye nesimo sentukuthelo yokulunga. Umuntu uwela kuwo ngokuzithandela ukuze aqede ukushuba noma asuse imicabango edabukisayo. Njengomthetho, lapho ekhipha intukuthelo, uzizwa emkhulu, kuyilapho izisulu zakhe zichotshozwa ngokuphelele.
Abantu abathukuthele bawazisa kakhulu lomzwelo ngaphezu kwe-adrenaline. Lena indlela etholakalayo kubo yokuphatha isimo futhi baxazulule izingxabano lapho besafufusa (ukuzivikela okungcono kakhulu kokunganeliseki kwasekhaya ukuhlasela). Ngaphezu kwalokho, bayazi kahle ukuthi intukuthelo yabo iyabethusa abathandekayo futhi ibavumela ukuba bagcinwe emgqeni omfushane.
“Intukuthelo iwumuzwa omdala kunayo yonke ongadingi isisekelo esiphusile. Kulula ukunqotshwa isilingo sawo, ngoba senza iqiniso libe lula futhi linikeze umuzwa wamandla, ”kuchaza u-Ivan Tyrell, umsunguli wezifundo zokulawula intukuthelo.
Kuyaziwa ukuthi lo mzwelo uyisici esingaphezulu kwamadoda: yibo abavame ukuphula abathandekayo. Omunye umehluko oyinhloko phakathi kobulili ukuthi abesifazane bahlukanisa ngobuqili izithunzi zemizwa, kuyilapho amadoda eyibona ngokuphambene futhi emehlweni abo kubonakala abawinile noma abahluliwe. Kuphinde kwenza kube nzima ukuthi bavume ukuthi bayesaba noma baphatheke kabi.
Akubona kuphela labo abagcwele intukuthelo abahlushwa intukuthelo. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uJohn Gottman sithi nakuba abangane balezi zingxabano bekhononda ngentukuthelo yabo esabekayo, bazikhumbula ngenjabulo izikhathi zokubuyisana, ezingenzeki ngaphandle kwamahlazo.
“Ukuhlobana phakathi kothando nobudlova kusaqondakala kancane. Izilwane eziqeqeshwe kusetshenziswa indlela ethi «isanqante nenduku» zinamathela kakhulu kubanikazi bazo kunalezo eziphathwe kahle. Ngeshwa, izithandani eziningi ziqhelelene nazo,” usho kanje.
Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uGal Lindenfield sigcizelela ukubaluleka kokwazi isimo salowo ozobhapathizwa ngaphambi komshado: “Thola ukuthi buyini ubuhlobo bakhe nezingane zakubo, abazali, nabangane. Uma bona, noma behleka, bekhomba ukuthi bahlupheke izikhathi ezingaphezu kwesisodwa ngenxa yobuntu obungabekezeleleki kanye nesimo esiqhumayo somlingani wakho, kufanelekile ukucatshangelwa. Mancane amathuba okuthi uhluke."
Yini okufanele uyenze uma ungakwazi ukuhlukana “nomlutha wentukuthelo”?
Udokotela wengqondo kanye nombhali we-Emotional Freedom uJudith Orloff unikeza izeluleko ezithile.
- Cindezela ukusabela kokuqala kolaka. Bala ufike kwelishumi. Gxila emoyeni, hhayi okonile.
- Ningaphikisani noma nibeke izaba. Cabanga nje kudlula igagasi lolaka kuwe lingakuthinti nhlobo.
- Qaphela “ukulunga” komoni. “Yebo, ngiyayiqonda indlela ozizwa ngayo. Nami ngiba nemizwa efanayo. Ngivele ngiwaveze ngokuhlukile. Ake sikhulume, ”imisho enjalo isusa izikhali.
- Beka imingcele. Iphimbo lokuzethemba libalulekile: “Ngiyakuthanda, kodwa ngeke ngiphendule izimangalo zakho kuyilapho ukhuluma ngezwi eliphansi.”
- Bonisa uzwela. Njengoba wazi manje, intukuthelo imane iyisembozo semizwa eminingi engemihle. Kumelwe kube kubi kangakanani kumuntu osondelene nawe uma ehlala ethukuthele egane unwabu? Lokhu akumthetheleli umuntu othukuthele, kodwa kuyasiza ukukhulula amagqubu.