UGordon Neufeld: "Izingane kufanele zinamathele ngokomzwelo kubazali bazo"

Psychology: Ingabe umbono wakho wokuba umzali namuhla ungabhekwa njengongewona owendabuko?

UGordon Neufeld, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo saseCanada, umbhali we-Watch Out for Your Children: Kungenzeka. Kodwa eqinisweni, lokhu kuwumbono nje wendabuko. Futhi izinkinga othisha nabazali ababhekana nazo namuhla ziwumphumela wokucekelwa phansi kwamasiko obekwenzeka phakathi nekhulu leminyaka elidlule.

Yiziphi izinkinga ozishoyo?

Ukuntuleka kokuxhumana phakathi kwabazali nezingane, isibonelo. Kwanele ukubheka izibalo zokwelashwa kwabazali abanezingane kuma-psychotherapists. Noma ukwehla kokusebenza kahle kwezemfundo ngisho nekhono lezingane lokufunda esikoleni.

Iphuzu, ngokusobala, ukuthi isikole sanamuhla asikwazi ukusungula ubudlelwano bomzwelo nabafundi. Futhi ngaphandle kwalokhu, akusizi "ukulayisha" ingane ngolwazi, izobe ingena kahle.

Cishe eminyakeni eyi-100-150 edlule, isikole singena embuthanweni wothando womntwana, ovela ekuqaleni kokuphila kwakhe. Abazali bakhuluma ngesikole indodana noma indodakazi yabo ezofunda kuso, nangothisha abazifundise bona.

Namuhla isikole siphumile kumbuthano wokunamathiselwe. Baningi othisha, isifundo ngasinye sinesaso, futhi kuba nzima nakakhulu ukwakha ubuhlobo obungokomzwelo nabo. Abazali baxabana nesikole nganoma yisiphi isizathu, futhi izindaba zabo azifaki isimo sengqondo esihle. Ngokuvamile, imodeli yendabuko yahlukana.

Nokho umthwalo wenhlalakahle ngokomzwelo usemahlombe omndeni. Umbono wakho wokuthi kuhle ukuthi izingane zithembele ngokomzwelo kubazali bazo uzwakala unesibindi ...

Igama elithi “umlutha” liye laba nezincazelo eziningi ezingezinhle. Kodwa ngikhuluma ngezinto ezilula futhi, kubonakala kimi, izinto ezisobala. Ingane idinga ukusondelana ngokomzwelo nabazali bayo. Kulapho isiqinisekiso senhlalakahle yakhe engokwengqondo kanye nempumelelo yesikhathi esizayo.

Ngalo mqondo, ukunamathela kubaluleke kakhulu kunesiyalo. Uma ingane iwazisa umbono kayise nomama wayo, ayidingi ukuphoqwa futhi. Uzozenzela yena uma ezwa ukuthi kubaluleke kangakanani kubazali.

Ucabanga ukuthi ubudlelwano nabazali kufanele buhlale bubalulekile. Kodwa kuze kube nini? Ukuhlala phakathi kweminyaka engu-30 no-40 nabazali bakho nakho akuyona inketho engcono kakhulu.

Le nto okhuluma ngayo yindaba yokuhlukana, ukuhlukana kwengane nabazali. Imane idlule ngempumelelo, lapho ubuhlobo bomndeni buphumelela ngokwengeziwe, kunempilo ukunamathelana ngokomzwelo.

Akuvimbeli ukuzimela nganoma iyiphi indlela. Ingane eneminyaka emibili ubudala ingafunda ukubopha izintambo zezicathulo noma ukubopha izinkinobho, kodwa ngesikhathi esifanayo incike ngokomzwelo kubazali bayo.

Nginezingane ezinhlanu, endala ineminyaka engu-45, senginabazukulu. Futhi kuyajabulisa ukuthi izingane zami zisadinga mina nomkami. Kodwa lokhu akusho ukuthi abazimele.

Uma ingane inamathele ngobuqotho kubazali bayo, futhi bekhuthaza ukuzimela kwayo, khona-ke iyoyilwela ngamandla akhe wonke. Yebo, angisho ukuthi abazali kufanele bathathele ingane yabo indawo yomhlaba wonke. Ngikhuluma ngeqiniso lokuthi abazali nontanga akudingekile ukuba baphikiswe, beqaphela ukuthi ubungane nontanga ngeke buthathe indawo yothando lwabazali.

Ukwakha ubuhlobo obunjalo kuthatha isikhathi nomzamo. Futhi abazali, njengomthetho, baphoqeleka ukuba basebenze. Kuyindilinga enonya. Ungase usho ukuthi umoya wawuhlanzekile ngoba zazingekho izitshalo zamakhemikhali.

Angibizi, uma kuqhathaniswa, ukuzoqhumisa zonke izitshalo zamakhemikhali. Angizami ukushintsha umphakathi. Ngifuna nje ukudonsela ukunaka kwakhe ezindabeni eziyisisekelo, eziyisisekelo.

Inhlalakahle kanye nokuthuthukiswa kwengane kuncike ekunamathiselwe kwakhe, ebuhlotsheni bakhe obungokomzwelo nabantu abadala. Hhayi nabazali kuphela, ngendlela. Kanye nezinye izihlobo, nabazanyana, kanye nothisha esikoleni noma abaqeqeshi esigabeni sezemidlalo.

Akukhathalekile ukuthi yibaphi abantu abadala abanakekela ingane. Laba kungaba abazali begazi noma abatholwa. Okubalulekile ukuthi ingane kufanele yakhe ubuhlobo nabo. Uma kungenjalo, ngeke akwazi ukuthuthukisa ngempumelelo.

Kuthiwani ngalabo ababuya emsebenzini lapho ingane yabo isilele?

Okokuqala, kufanele baqonde ukuthi kubaluleke kangakanani lokhu. Lapho kukhona ukuqonda, izinkinga ziyaxazululeka. Emkhayeni wendabuko, ugogo nomkhulu bebelokhu benendima enkulu. Enye yezinkinga ezinkulu zomphakathi wangemva kwezimboni ukuncishiswa komndeni wenuzi kumodeli kamama nobaba nengane.

Kodwa ungakwazi ukumema labo gogo nomkhulu abafanayo, omalume nomakazi, abangani nje ukuze basize. Ngisho noma unomzanyana, ungakha ubudlelwano ngendlela enenjongo ukuze ingane ingamboni njengomsebenzi, kodwa njengomuntu omdala obalulekile nonegunya.

Uma bobabili abazali kanye nesikole bekuqonda ngokugcwele ukubaluleka kokunamathiselwe, khona-ke izindlela zizotholakala ngandlela thile. Uyazi, isibonelo, ukuthi ukudla kubaluleke kangakanani enganeni. Ngakho-ke, ngisho noma ubuya emsebenzini ukhathele futhi isiqandisi singenalutho, usazothola ithuba lokondla ingane. Oda okuthile ekhaya, hamba esitolo noma ekhefi, kodwa ukondle. Kuyafana lapha.

Umuntu uyisidalwa sokusungula izinto, ngokuqinisekile uzothola indlela yokuxazulula inkinga. Okubalulekile wukubona ukubaluleka kwayo.

I-Internet izithinta kanjani izingane? Amanethiwekhi omphakathi athathe indima enkulu namuhla - kubonakala sengathi lokhu kumayelana nokunamathelana ngokomzwelo.

Yebo, i-inthanethi namagajethi aya ngokuya ekhonza hhayi ukwazisa, kodwa ukuxhuma abantu. Okuhle lapha ukuthi kusivumela ukuthi ngokwengxenye sanelise isidingo sethu sothando kanye nobudlelwano bemizwa. Ngokwesibonelo, nalabo abakude nathi, esingenakubabona futhi sizwe ngokoqobo.

Kodwa okubi ukuthi i-inthanethi isiba indawo yobudlelwano. Akumele uhlale eduze kwami, ungabambeli isandla sakho, ungakubheki emehlweni – vele ubeke “like”. Lokhu kuholela ku-atrophy yekhono lethu lokwakha ukusondelana kwengqondo, imizwa. Futhi ngalo mqondo, ubudlelwano bedijithali buba yize.

Umuntu omdala, othatheka kakhulu yizithombe zobulili ezingcolile, ekugcineni engasenasithakazelo ebuhlotsheni bangempela bobulili. Ngokufanayo, ingane ehileleke kakhulu ebudlelwaneni bedijithali ilahlekelwa ikhono lokusungula ukusondelana kwangempela ngokomzwelo.

Lokhu akusho ukuthi izingane kufanele zivikelwe ngocingo oluphakeme kumakhompyutha nomakhalekhukhwini. Kodwa kufanele siqinisekise ukuthi baqala ukwakha ubuhlobo futhi bafunde ukulondoloza ubudlelwano empilweni yangempela.

Kokunye ukuhlola okuphawulekayo, iqembu lezingane lanikezwa ukuhlolwa okubalulekile. Ezinye izingane zazivunyelwe ukuthumela ama-SMS konina, kuyilapho ezinye zivunyelwe ukushaya ucingo. Babe sebelinganisa izinga le-cortisol, i-hormone yokucindezeleka. Futhi kuvele ukuthi kulabo ababhala imiyalezo, leli zinga alizange lishintshe nhlobo. Futhi kulabo abakhulumayo, kwehle ngokuphawulekayo. Ngoba bezwe izwi likanina, niyazi? Yini enganezelwa kulokhu? Angicabangi lutho.

Usuvele uvakashele e-Russia. Ungathini ngezilaleli zaseRussia?

Yebo, ngize lapha okwesithathu. Labo engixhumana nabo lapha kusobala ukuthi bayayithakasela indlela engidlala ngayo. Abavilaphi kakhulu ukucabanga, benza umzamo wokuqonda imiqondo yesayensi. Ngenza emazweni ahlukene, futhi ngikholwa, akunjalo yonke indawo.

Futhi kimi kubonakala sengathi imibono yaseRussia mayelana nomndeni isondelene nendabuko kunasemazweni amaningi athuthukile. Ngicabanga ukuthi yingakho abantu baseRussia bekuqonda kangcono engikhuluma ngakho, kuseduze kakhulu nabo kunalapho uhlangothi lwezinto ezibonakalayo luza kuqala.

Mhlawumbe ngingaqhathanisa izethameli zaseRussia nezilaleli zaseMexico - eMexico, imibono yendabuko ngomndeni nayo inamandla. Futhi kukhona nokungabaza okukhulu ukufana kakhulu ne-United States. Ukungabaza engingakwamukela kuphela.