Ukuba Umzali Omuhle: Kunjani?

Unyaka wokuqala wokuphila nengane efiselekayo nelindelwe isikhathi eside yaba yiphupho elibi kuNataliya oneminyaka engama-35. Wazizwa enomthwalo wemfanelo omkhulu: “Impela! Phela ngangivele ngimdala ngifunde izincwadi eziningi ezikhuluma ngomama ophaphayo, ngangizazi kakhulu ngokukhuliswa abazali bami ababengakwazi! Ngangingenalo ilungelo lokuba umama omubi!

Kodwa kusukela osukwini lokuqala konke akuhambanga kahle. Indodakazi yami yakhala kakhulu, futhi angikwazanga ukuyilalisa ngokushesha, ngangiyicasukele futhi ngizithukuthelele. Umkhwekazi wengeza ukushisa: “Ubufunani? Ngajwayela ukuzicabangela mina ngedwa, usungumama ukhohlwe nguwe.

Ngahlupheka kakhulu. Ebusuku ngafonela osizayo ngakhala ngahluleka nawukuzibamba, indodakazi yami isinenyanga izelwe, namanje angikazihlukanisi izithunzi zokukhala kwayo, okusho ukuthi ngixhumene kabi nayo futhi nayo, iphutha lami, ngeke ngibe nokuthembela okuyisisekelo emhlabeni! Ekuseni, ngabiza umngane wami kwelinye idolobha ngathi: Ngingumama ongenalutho kangangokuthi ingane ingaba ngcono kakhulu ngaphandle kwami.

Eminyakeni eyisikhombisa kamuva, u-Natalya ukholelwa ukuthi ukwazile ukusinda kuphela ngenxa yengxoxo yomama abasebasha kanye nokusekelwa isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo: "Manje ngiyaqonda ukuthi lo nyaka wenziwe isihogo ngenxa yezidingo zami ezilinganiselwe, ezingenangqondo kimi, ezazisekelwa yi-psychotherapist. inganekwane yokuthi ukuba ngumama kuyinjabulo nenjabulo kuphela."

Ulwazi oluningi ukudabuka okuningi

Kubonakala sengathi omama banamuhla bathole inkululeko ephelele: yibo kuphela abanquma ukukhulisa izingane. Izinsiza zolwazi azipheli: izincwadi zezemfundo zigcwele izitolo, izihloko kanye nezinkulumo - i-inthanethi. Kodwa ulwazi oluningi alulethi ukuthula, kodwa ukudideka.

Phakathi kokunakekelwa nokugada ngokweqile, umusa nokuzwelana, isiyalo nokubekwa, kukhona umngcele obonakalayo okufanele umzali ahlale ewuzwa, kodwa kanjani? Ngabe ngisabusa ngentando yeningi ezimfuno zami noma ngifaka ingcindezi enganeni? Ngokuthenga leli thoyizi, ngizomanelisa isidingo sakhe noma ngimoshe? Ngokungivumela ukuba ngiyeke umculo, ingabe nginelisa ubuvila bakhe, noma ngibonise inhlonipho ngezifiso zakhe zangempela?

Emzamweni wokunikeza ingane yabo ebuntwaneni obujabulisayo, abazali bazama ukuhlanganisa izincomo ezingqubuzanayo futhi banomuzwa wokuthi bayasuka kuphela emfanekisweni kamama nobaba ofanelekayo.

“Umbuzo uthi: sifuna ukubangcono kubani? - amanothi psychoanalyst Svetlana Fedorova. - Omunye umama uthemba ukufakazela okuthile kumbuthano wakhe oseduze, kanti omunye empeleni uphupha ngokuba ngumama ofanelekayo futhi adlulisele ukoma kwakhe kothando, okwakuntula kakhulu ebuntwaneni, ebuhlotsheni nengane. Kodwa uma kungekho okuhlangenwe nakho komuntu siqu kobuhlobo obuthembekile nomama, futhi ukulahlekelwa kwayo kukhulu, ekunakekeleni ingane kukhona usizi nokusebenza - ukunakekelwa kwangaphandle, okusebenzayo.

Khona-ke owesifazane uzama ukuqinisekisa ukuthi ingane iyondliwa futhi inakekelwa, kodwa ilahlekelwa ukuxhumana naye kwangempela. Emehlweni alabo abamzungezile, ungumama ofanelekayo, kodwa uma eyedwa onengane angaphunyula, abese ezigxeka. Ukuhlukanisa phakathi kwecala nomthwalo wemfanelo kungenye inselele abazali ababhekana nayo ngaso sonke isikhathi.

Ukuze ube seduze...yimalini?

Ukuvuthwa nokukhula kwengane kuncike ngokuphelele kumama, ngokusho kukaMelanie Klein, owama emsuka we-psychoanalysis yengane. Lo mbono, oqiniswe umcwaningi wokunamathisela uJohn Bowlby, usuqine kakhulu ezingqondweni zethu kangangokuthi umzamo wesazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uDonald Winnicott wokukhulula abesifazane emthwalweni wemithwalo yemfanelo emikhulu (wamemezela ukuthi umama "omuhle ngokwanele" kanye "nozinikele ovamile" ufanelekile. ingane) ayikaze ihlangabezane nempumelelo enkulu. Abesifazane banemibuzo emisha ngokwabo: siyini isilinganiso salokhu kwanele? Ingabe ngilungile njengoba kudingeka?

“UWinnicott wakhuluma ngekhono elingokwemvelo likamama lokuzwa umntwana futhi anelise izidingo zakhe, futhi lokhu akudingi ulwazi olukhethekile,” kuchaza uSvetlana Fedorova. "Lapho owesifazane ethintana nengane, uphendula ngokunembile kumasignali ayo."

Ngakho-ke, isimo sokuqala "sobuhle" siwukuba nje ngokwenyama eduze komntwana, hhayi ukunyamalala isikhathi eside, ukuphendula ucingo lwakhe kanye nesidingo sokududuza noma ukudla, futhi ngaleyo ndlela simnikeze ukubikezela, ukuzinza nokuvikeleka.

Esinye isimo ukuba khona kwesithathu. “Ethi umama kufanele abe nokuphila kwakhe siqu, uWinnicott wayecabanga ngobuhlobo bobulili phakathi kukamama noyise wengane,” kuqhubeka isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo, “kodwa eqinisweni akubona ubulili obungako obubalulekile njengokutholakala kolunye. indlela yobudlelwano, ubambiswano noma ubungane. Uma engekho umlingani, umama uthola cishe yonke intokozo yakhe yomzimba ngokuxhumana ngokomzimba nomntwana: ukondla, u-anti, ukugona. Kudalwa isimo lapho ingane iba, njengokungathi, esikhundleni sento yocansi futhi iba sengozini yokuba «ibanjwe» yi-libido kamama.

Kuze kube yizinyanga eziyisithupha, ingane idinga cishe ukunakekelwa komama njalo, kodwa ukuhlukana kufanele kwenzeke kancane kancane. Ingane ithola ezinye izindlela zokududuza ngaphandle kwebele likamama, izinto zesikhashana (izingoma, amathoyizi) ezimvumela ukuba aziqhelelanise futhi azakhele eyakhe ingqondo. Futhi udinga … amaphutha ethu.

Ukwehluleka kuyisihluthulelo sempumelelo

Ukutadisha ukusebenzisana komama nezingane ezineminyaka engu-6 kuya ku-9 izinyanga, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo saseMelika u-Edward Tronick sabala ukuthi umama "uvumelanisa" nengane kuphela ku-30% wamacala futhi ufunda ngendlela efanele izimpawu zakhe (ukukhathala, ukunganeliseki, indlala). Lokhu kukhuthaza ingane ukuba isungule izindlela zokunqoba ukungqubuzana phakathi kwesicelo sayo nokusabela kukamama: uzama ukumnaka, ukuzola yedwa, ukuphazamiseka.

Lokhu okuhlangenwe nakho kwasekuqaleni kubeka isisekelo sokuzilawula kanye namakhono okubhekana nesimo. Ngaphezu kwalokho, ezama ukuvikela ingane ekudumazekeni nasekungajabulini, umama uphazamisa ukukhula kwayo ngendlela exakayo.

"Akunakwenzeka ukuqonda ngokushesha isizathu sokuthi kungani umntwana ekhala," kugcizelela uSvetlana Fedorova, "kodwa umama onengqondo ekahle akakwazi ukulinda, unikeza inketho engaqondakali: isifuba sakhe noma i-pacifier. Futhi uyacabanga: wehlisa umoya, sengiqedile! Akazange azivumele ukuba afune ezinye izixazululo futhi ngenxa yalokho wabeka uhlelo oluqinile enganeni: ukudla kuyisixazululo sanoma iyiphi inkinga.

Yilokhu uWinnicott abhala ngakho: “Kufika isikhathi lapho kudingekile ngengane ukuba umama “ahluleke” emizamweni yakhe yokuzivumelanisa nayo.” Ngokungaphenduli kuzo zonke izibonakaliso zosana, ngokungenzi konke akucelayo, umama wanelisa isidingo sakhe esibaluleke kakhulu - ukuthuthukisa ikhono lokubhekana nokudumazeka, ukuthola ukuzinza nokuzimela.

Zazi wena

Ngisho nokwazi ukuthi amaphutha ethu okufundisa ngeke azibhubhise izingane, thina ngokwethu sihlushwa yiwo. “Ngesikhathi umama engithethisa ngisemncane ngenxa yamathoyizi angahlelekile noma amamaki amabi, ngacabanga: yeka ukuthi kubi kangakanani, ngeke ngiziphathe ngale ndlela nengane yami empilweni yami,” kuvuma u-Oksana, 34. “Kodwa angikude nomama: izingane azizwani, ziyalwa, yilowo nalowo ufuna okwakhe, ngihlukene phakathi futhi ngihlala ngibhidlika.”

"Kodwa kudingekile ukwenza imizamo enjalo," kuphawula uSvetlana Fedorova, "noma, okungenani, ukuqaphela intukuthelo yethu nokwesaba njengokwethu, futhi akuveli ngaphandle, nokuqonda ukuthi yini ehlobene nayo."

Ikhono lokuzicabangela liyikhono eliyinhloko, okuyimpahla enquma isikhundla somuntu omdala kanye nekhono lokuxazulula izingxabano, kusho isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esikhona uSvetlana Krivtsova: zama ukubamba umqondo wangaphakathi wamazwi akhe, izenzo kanye nezithakazelo zakhe. Futhi-ke iqiniso eliyingqayizivele kulesi simo lingazalwa phakathi kwengane nomuntu omdala.

Ukukhuluma nawe ngokwethembeka, ukuba nesithakazelo ezinganeni, nokuzama ukuziqonda-ngaphandle kwesiqinisekiso sempumelelo-yilokho okwenza ubudlelwano buphile kanye nokuba umzali wethu okuhlangenwe nakho kokuthuthuka komuntu siqu, hhayi nje umsebenzi womphakathi.

Ngale kwebanga - ngale

Ingane iyakhula, futhi abazali banezizathu ezengeziwe zokungabaza ikhono labo. "Angikwazi ukumphoqa ukuba afunde ngesikhathi samaholide", "indlu yonke igcwele imidlalo yokufundisa, futhi uhlezi kumagajethi", "unekhono kakhulu, wakhanya emabangeni aphansi, futhi manje wayeka izifundo zakhe, kodwa angizange ngiphikelele, ngiphuthelwe isikhathi” .

Ukugxilisa uthando lokufunda/umculo/ezemidlalo, vakashela ekolishi futhi uthole okukhethekile okuthembisayo... Singaqondile, nakanjani siphupha ngekusasa lezingane futhi sizibekela imigomo ephakeme (kanye nazo). Futhi siyazihlambalaza (kanye nabo) lapho konke kungenzeki ngendlela ebesifuna ngayo.

“Isifiso sabazali sokuthuthukisa amakhono engane, ukuyinikeza ikusasa elingcono, ukufundisa konke bona ngokwabo abangakwenza, kanye nethemba lokubona imiphumela efanele yemizamo yabo, kungokwemvelo ngokuphelele, kodwa … akunangqondo,” kuphawula isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo somndeni uDina Magnat. - Ngoba ingane inezici zomuntu ngamunye kanye nentando yakhe, futhi izithakazelo zakhe zingahluka kakhulu kulezo zabazali bakhe.

Ngakho-ke, ngingabiza umama omuhle ngokwanele ovele alungiselele ingane impilo yokuzimela. Kudinga ikhono lokwakha ubuhlobo obuseduze obunempilo futhi wenze izinqumo, uzuze imali futhi ube nomthwalo wemfanelo wezingane zakho.”

Yini esiza ingane, bese kuba esemusha, ukuba ifunde konke lokhu? Isipiliyoni sokuthembana kobudlelwano nabazali, ngokuya ngeminyaka, kuzo zonke izigaba zokukhula. Lapho benikeza inkululeko ngokwamandla abo nokusekelwa ngokwesidingo; lapho bebona, bezwa futhi baqonde. Yilokhu umzali olungile. Okunye kuyimininingwane, futhi zingahluka kakhulu.