Kubonakala kwabaningi ukuthi uma abashadile benquma "ukuthatha ikhefu komunye nomunye," ngale ndlela bamane babambezele isiphetho esingenakugwenywa nesivele sinqunywe kusengaphambili sobuhlobo. Kodwa kuthiwani uma ngezinye izikhathi sidinga ngempela ukuzinika “iholide elingokwengqondo” ukuze sisindise umshado?
“Izinga lesehlukaniso liphezulu kakhulu kulezi zinsuku, ngakho noma iyiphi indlela yokulwa nalesi simo idinga ukunakwa,” kusho umelaphi womndeni u-Allison Cohen. “Nakuba zingekho izindlela zokupheka ezitholakala emhlabeni wonke, ukwehlukana kwesikhashana kunganikeza abashadile isikhathi nebanga elidingekayo ukuze bacabangele kabusha imibono yabo ezindabeni ezibaluleke kakhulu.” Mhlawumbe, ngenxa yalokhu, isiphepho sizophela futhi ukuthula nokuvumelana kuzobuyela ebunyeni bomndeni.
Thatha isibonelo sikaMark no-Anna. Ngemva kweminyaka engu-35 beshadile, baqala ukuqhela komunye nomunye, benqwabelanisa izikhalo eziningi ezifanayo. Umbhangqwana awuzange uthathe indlela elula futhi wanquma, ngaphambi kokuhlukanisa, uqale uzame ukuhlala ngokwehlukana.
UMark no-Anna babengenathemba kangako lokuhlangana. Ngaphezu kwalokho, sebeqalile ukuxoxa ngenqubo yesahlukaniso engase ibe khona, kodwa kwenzeka isimangaliso - ngemva kwezinyanga ezintathu behlala ngokuhlukana, lo mbhangqwana wanquma ukubuyela ndawonye. Ngalesi sikhathi, babephumula komunye nomunye, becabanga yonke into ngokuphindaphindiwe bezwa isithakazelo esifanayo.
Yini engachaza ukuthi kwenzekani? Abalingani bazinika isikhathi sokufunda ukuthi bangaphinde bakhulume kanjani, bakhumbula ukuthi yini ababentula ngaphandle komunye nomunye, futhi baqala ukuhlala ndawonye futhi. Basanda kugubha iminyaka engu-42 beshadile. Futhi lokhu akulona icala elingavamile.
Ngakho-ke kufanele ucabange nini ngokuhlukana kwesikhashana? Okokuqala, kubalulekile ukuhlola izinga lokukhathala ngokomzwelo - eyakho neyomlingani wakho. Uma omunye wenu (noma nobabili) ebuthakathaka kangangokuthi akasakwazi ukunikeza omunye lutho, sekuyisikhathi sokukhuluma ngalokho ikhefu elingakunika kokubili.
Ithemba neqiniso
“Ingabe likhona ngisho nelincane ithemba lomphumela omuhle? Mhlawumbe ithemba lesehlukaniso nesizungu esikhathini esizayo liyakwethusa? Lokhu kwanele ukuzama ukuphila ngokwehlukana kuqala futhi ubone ukuthi yini ongayithola kulezi zimo ezintsha, ”kusho u-Allison Cohen.
Ngaphambi kokwenza isinqumo sokugcina, udinga ukunquma ngezindaba ezisebenzayo:
- Ukuhlukana kwenu kuzohlala isikhathi esingakanani?
- Uzomtshela bani ngesinqumo sakho?
- Uyohlala uthintana kanjani ngesikhathi sokuhlukana (ngocingo, i-imeyili, njll.)?
- Obani abazoya ekuvakasheni, emaphathini, emicimbini uma nobabili nimenyiwe?
- Ubani ozokhokha izikweletu?
- Ingabe uzokwabelana ngezimali?
- Uzozitshela kanjani izingane zakho ngesinqumo sakho?
- Ubani ozolanda izingane esikoleni?
- Ubani ozohlala ekhaya futhi ubani ozophuma?
- Nizovumelana ukuthi nithandane nomunye umuntu?
Lena imibuzo enzima evusa imizwa eminingi. “Kubalulekile ukubonana nomelaphi ngaphambi kokuhlukana futhi uqhubeke nokwelapha phakathi nalesi sikhathi,” kusho u-Allison Cohen. "Lokhu kuzosiza ukuthi singaphuli izivumelwano futhi sibhekane nemizwa esafufusa ngesikhathi."
Ukuze uphinde uthole ukusondelana ngokomzwelo, kubalulekile ukuthi ngezinye izikhathi uchithe isikhathi uwedwa nomlingani wakho.
Ake sithi unquma ukuthi ukwehlukana kwesikhashana kungakusiza. Iyiphi into engcono kakhulu ongagxila kuyo ukuze uzuze ngokugcwele kulesi sikhathi? Zibuze:
- Yini obungayenza ngendlela ehlukile esikhathini esidlule ukuze uqinise ubuhlobo benu?
- Yini ozimisele ukuyishintsha manje ukuze usindise inyunyana yakho?
- Yini edingekayo kumlingani ukuze ubudlelwano buqhubeke?
- Yini oyithandayo kumlingani, yini ezophuthelwa ngesikhathi engekho? Ingabe usukulungele ukumtshela ngakho?
- Ingabe usukulungele ukugcina isimo sokuqwashisa ngenkathi uxhumana nozakwenu - noma okungenani zama ukukwenza?
- Ingabe usukulungele ukuthethelela amaphutha esikhathi esidlule futhi uzame ukuqala kabusha?
- Ingabe usukulungele ukuba nobusuku bezothando masonto onke? Ukuze uphinde uthole ukusondelana ngokomzwelo, kubalulekile ukuchitha isikhathi uwedwa nomlingani wakho ngezinye izikhathi.
- Ingabe usukulungele ukufunda izindlela ezintsha zokuxhumana ukuze ungaphindi amaphutha amadala?
“Ayikho imithetho yendawo yonke,” kuchaza u-Allison Cohen. - Indlela yomuntu ngamunye ibalulekile, ngoba umbhangqwana ngamunye uhlukile. Kufanele sibe isikhathi esingakanani isikhathi sokuzama ukuhlala ngokuhlukana? Abanye abelaphi bakhuluma izinyanga eziyisithupha, abanye bathi kancane. Abanye batusa ukuthi ungaqali ubuhlobo obusha phakathi nalesi sikhathi, abanye bakholelwa ukuthi akufanele umelane nobizo lwenhliziyo.
Thola umelaphi onolwazi lokusebenza nalezi zimo. Lena indlela engcono kakhulu yokunqoba bonke ubunzima obungase buvele phakathi nenqubo yokuhlukana kwesikhashana.
Uma uphelelwe yithemba futhi ulahlekelwe yithemba, khumbula ukuthi umlingani wakho akasona isitha sakho ngempela (ngisho noma kubonakala kunjalo kuwe manje). Usenethuba lokubuyisela injabulo yangaphambili yokusondelana.
Yebo, kunzima ukukukholelwa, kodwa mhlawumbe umuntu ohlezi ngaphesheya kwakho etafuleni usengumngane wakho omkhulu nomngane wakho womshado.