I-Parental Alienation Syndrome: Ungaphoqi Izingane Zakho Ukuba Zikhethe

Lapho sihlukana nozakwethu, izinkanuko ziyavutha emphefumulweni wethu. Ngakho-ke, kubaluleke kakhulu ukunaka amazwi nezenzo zakho ukuze ungalimazi izingane. Phela, uma kukhona impi phakathi kwabantu abadala, abahlupheki nje kuphela, kodwa futhi nezingane zabo ezivamile.

Ungokabani?

Igama elithi parental alienation syndrome laqanjwa udokotela wengqondo yezingane uRichard Gardner. I-syndrome ibonakala ngesimo esikhethekile lapho izingane zingena khona ngesikhathi sokungqubuzana phakathi kwabazali, lapho ziphoqeleka ukuba "zikhethe" ukuthi zithathe luphi uhlangothi. Lesi simo sitholwa yizingane ezinomama nobaba abangavumeli umzali wesibili ukuba ahlanganyele empilweni yengane noma anciphise kakhulu ukuxhumana phakathi kwamalungu omndeni.

Ingane iqala ukuzwa ukulahlwa maqondana nomzali ahlukene naye. Angathukuthela, amemezele ukungafuni kwakhe ukubona umama noma ubaba wakhe - futhi akwenze ngobuqotho ngokuphelele, ngisho noma ngaphambili wayemthanda kakhulu lo mzali.

Ake sibhukhe: asikhulumi ngobudlelwano obunjalo lapho bekunodlame lwanoma yiluphi uhlobo - ngokomzimba, ngokwengqondo, kwezomnotho. Kodwa singase sisole ukuthi ingane ihlukaniswa nabazali uma imizwa yayo engemihle ingabangelwa okuhlangenwe nakho kwayo.

Sikhuluma nge-parental alienation syndrome uma ingane isakaza umyalezo womzali ehlala naye, ilahla lowo ongaseyona ingxenye yomndeni. Ingane iba ithuluzi lokuziphindiselela kumlingani lapho zingekho izizathu ezizwakalayo zokwenqabela ukuxhumana nomzali wesibili, futhi ngaphambi kwesehlukaniso, kwakukhona ubudlelwane obufudumele nobumnene phakathi kwamalungu omndeni.

“Ubaba ungiphethe kabi, ngakho angifuni ukumbona” kuwumbono wengane. “Umama uthi ubaba mubi futhi akangithandi” kuwumbono womzali. Futhi kude njalo imilayezo enjalo iqondiswa ukukhathazeka ngemizwa yengane.

“Kubalulekile ukuqonda ukuthi kuba nzima kakhulu enganeni uma abazali bayo bethuka inhlamba noma bexabana. Futhi uma omunye emphendulela komunye, isimo sinzima kakhulu, kusho isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo emtholampilo kanye no-Gestalt Therapist u-Inga Kulikova. — Ingane izwa ukucindezeleka okukhulu ngokomzwelo. Ingavezwa ngezindlela ezahlukene, okuhlanganisa ulaka, ukucasuka, ukucasukela omunye wabazali, noma kokubili. Futhi le mizwa izobonakala ekhelini lomzali okuphephile ukwethula kuye. Ngokuvamile, lo ngumuntu omdala okhona empilweni yengane ngezikhathi ezithile noma ongahlanganyeli kukho nhlobo.

Ake sikhulume ngemizwa

Izizwa kanjani enganeni eye yabhekana nemiphumela ye-Parental Alienation Syndrome? U-Inga Kulikova uthi: “Lapho ukulahlwa komunye wabazali kukhuliswa enganeni, iba nengxabano engathi sína yangaphakathi. - Ngakolunye uhlangothi, kunomuntu omdala obalulekile okwakhiwa naye ubuhlobo nothando. Lowo amthandayo nalowo omthandayo.

Ngakolunye uhlangothi, umuntu omdala wesibili obalulekile, ongeyena othandekayo, kodwa onombono ongemuhle kumlingani wakhe wangaphambili, uvimbela ukuxhumana naye. Kunzima ngokwedlulele enganeni esesimweni esinjalo. Akazi ukuthi uzojoyina bani, ukuthi angaba kanjani, aziphathe kanjani futhi, ngaleyo ndlela, uhlala engenakusekelwa, yedwa namava akhe.

Uma umndeni ungahlukananga ngokuvumelana, futhi ukuhlukana kwandulelwa izingxabano namahlazo, akulula kubantu abadala ukufihla imizwa yabo emibi komunye nomunye. Ngezinye izikhathi umzali ohlala naye umntwana ukhetha ukungagodli futhi, empeleni, udlulisela umsebenzi wesazi sokusebenza kwengqondo noma intombi enganeni, ethululela bonke ubuhlungu bakhe nokucasuka kuye. Kuyinto engenakwenzeka ukwenza lokhu, ngoba umthwalo onjalo ungaphezu kwamandla ezingane.

“Esimeni esinjalo, umntwana uzizwa edidekile: ngakolunye uhlangothi, uyamthanda umzali, ufuna ukuzwelana naye. Kodwa naye uyamthanda umzali wesibili! Futhi uma ingane ithatha isikhundla sokungathathi hlangothi, futhi umuntu omdala ahlala naye akayithandi, khona-ke umthunjwa omncane wesimo angase abe nomuzwa wecala onobuthi, azizwe njengembuka, "kusho u-Inga Kulikova.

Izingane zinomkhawulo othile wokuphepha, kodwa ngayinye ingumuntu ngamunye. Futhi uma ingane eyodwa inganqoba ubunzima ngokulahlekelwa okuncane, khona-ke ingathinta isimo somunye ngendlela embi kakhulu.

“Izingane zingasabela ngendlela ehlukile kulokho okwenzekayo: othile udabukile futhi udangele, eqala ukugula futhi angenwe umkhuhlane njalo, othile uzizwa enecala futhi abhekise kuye lonke ulaka, okungase kubangele izimpawu zokucindezeleka ngisho nemicabango yokuzibulala,” kuxwayisa. uchwepheshe. — Ezinye izingane ziyazihlukanisa, ziyeke ukuxhumana nabazali bazo nabangane. Abanye, ngokuphambene nalokho, babonisa ukungezwani kwabo kwangaphakathi ngendlela yobudlova, ukucasuka, ukuphazamiseka kokuziphatha, okuholela ekunciphiseni kokusebenza kwezemfundo, izingxabano nontanga, othisha nabazali.

impumuzo yesikhashana

Ngokombono kaGardner, kunezici ezihlukahlukene ezithonya ukuthi i-rejection syndrome yomzali izozibonakalisa. Uma umzali ingane eyasala naye enomona omkhulu ngowayeshade naye, emthukuthelele futhi ekhuluma ngayo ngokuzwakalayo, cishe izingane zizoyijoyina le mizwa.

Ngezinye izikhathi ingane iqala ukuhlanganyela ngokugcwele ekudaleni isithombe esibi sikamama noma ubaba. Kodwa iyiphi indlela engokwengqondo ebangela ukuba ingane ethanda umama nobaba kangaka ihlangane nomzali oyedwa ngokumelene nomunye?

U-Inga Kulikova uthi: “Lapho abazali bexabana noma, ngaphezu kwalokho, behlukanisa, ingane iba nokukhathazeka okunamandla, ukwesaba nokucindezeleka ngokomzwelo. — Isimo esijwayelekile sesishintshile, futhi lokhu kuyacindezela kuwo wonke amalungu omndeni, ikakhulukazi enganeni.

Angase azizwe enecala ngalokho okwenzekile. Angase athukuthele noma athukuthelele umzali ohambile. Futhi uma, ngesikhathi esifanayo, umzali owahlala nomntwana eqala ukugxeka nokulahla omunye, ukumdalula ngendlela engafanele, khona-ke kuba nzima nakakhulu ukuba umntwana aphile ngokuhlukana kwabazali. Zonke izinzwa zakhe ziyaqina futhi zilole.”

Isimo sesehlukaniso, ukuhlukana kwabazali kwenza umntwana azizwe engenamandla, okunzima ukuthi ayamukele futhi avumelane neqiniso lokuthi akanakuthonya okwenzekayo nganoma iyiphi indlela. Futhi lapho izingane zithatha uhlangothi lomunye wabadala - ngokuvamile labo abahlala nabo - kuba lula ngabo ukubekezelela isimo.

“Uma kuhlangene nomunye wabazali, ingane izizwa ilondeke kakhudlwana. Ngakho uthola ithuba elingokomthetho lokuthukuthela obala kumzali «ohlukanisiwe”. Kodwa lokhu kuphumula kungokwesikhashana, ngoba imizwa yakhe ayicutshungulwa futhi ihlanganiswe njengokuhlangenwe nakho okunolwazi, "kuxwayisa isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo.

Yiqiniso, akuzona zonke izingane ezamukelayo imithetho yalo mdlalo. Futhi ngisho noma amazwi nezenzo zabo zikhuluma ngokwethembeka kubazali babo, imizwa nemicabango yabo akuhambisani ngaso sonke isikhathi nalokho abakumemezelayo. “Lapho ingane isikhulile, kuba lula ngayo ukugcina umbono wayo, naphezu kweqiniso lokuthi omunye wabazali usakaza isimo sengqondo esibi ngomunye,” kuchaza u-Inga Kulikova. Ngaphezu kwalokho, izingane zingase zibe nolaka kumzali okhuluma kabi ngomunye futhi avimbele ukuxhumana naye.”

Ngeke kube kubi?

Abazali abaningi abaye bavinjelwa ukubona izingane zabo ziyeka futhi bayeke ukulwa ukuze bahlale bexhumana nezingane zabo. Ngezinye izikhathi omama nobaba abanjalo bashukumisa isinqumo sabo ngokuthi ukungqubuzana phakathi kwabazali kuzoba nomphumela omubi engqondweni yengane - bathi "bavikela imizwa yengane."

Iyiphi indima ekuthuthukisweni kwesimo iqiniso lokuthi umzali ngokuvamile uyanyamalala ku-radar noma avele angavamile kakhulu emkhakheni wokubuka izingane? Ingabe uyaqinisekisa ngokuziphatha kwakhe “ukuqagela” kwabo ukuthi umzali “mubi” ngempela?

U-Inga Kulikova ugcizelela ukuthi: “Uma umzali ohlukanisiwe naye engavamile ukubona ingane yakhe, lokhu kwenza isimo sibe sibi kakhulu. — Ingane ingase ibone lokhu njengokulahlwa, ukuzizwa unecala noma ukucasukela umuntu omdala. Phela, izingane zivame ukucabanga kakhulu, ukucabanga. Ngeshwa, ngokuvamile abazali abazi ukuthi yini ngempela ingane ecabanga ngayo, ukuthi ubona kanjani lokhu noma leso simo. Kungaba kuhle ukukhuluma naye ngakho."

Yini okufanele uyenze uma umzali wesibili enqaba ngokuphelele ukuvumela izingane ukuba zihambe nomlingani wazo wangaphambili, ngisho namahora ambalwa? "Esimeni esibucayi, lapho omunye wabalingani ethambekele kabi komunye, kungase kube usizo ukuthatha isikhashana," kukholelwa isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo. “Phuma okungenani izinsuku ezimbalwa, ubeke eceleni kancane ukuze imizwa idambe. Ngemva kwalokho, ungaqala ukwakha kancane kancane oxhumana naye omusha. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kunzima kangakanani, udinga ukuzama ukuxoxisana nomlingani wesibili, uqoke ibanga elifanele kokubili, futhi uqhubeke nokuxhumana nengane. Ngesikhathi esifanayo, zama ukungamnaki umlingani wangaphambili kanye nokuhlangenwe nakho kwakhe, ngaphandle kwalokho lokhu kungase kubangele ukungqubuzana okushubile futhi kubhebhethekise isimo.

Phakathi kwami ​​nawe

Izingane eziningi esezikhulile umama nobaba wazo abakwazanga ukuthola ulimi oluvamile ngemva kwesehlukaniso zikhumbula indlela umzali wesibili owazama ngayo ukuxhumana nazo kuyilapho omunye umuntu omdala engaboni. Bakhumbula futhi umuzwa wecala phambi kwalabo ababehlala nabo. Nomthwalo wokugcina izimfihlo...

U-Inga Kulikova uthi: “Kunezimo lapho umzali ohlukanisiwe efuna imihlangano ngasese nezingane, eze enkulisa noma esikoleni sabo. - Lokhu kungaba nomthelela omubi esimweni sengqondo nengokomzwelo yengane, njengoba izithola iphakathi kwemililo emibili. Ufuna ukubona umzali oyedwa - futhi ngesikhathi esifanayo kuyodingeka ayifihle komunye.

Zizwele

Ekushiseni kwamagqubu nokuphelelwa ithemba ngenxa yokuthi asivunyelwe ukuxhumana nabantu esisondelene nabo nesibathandayo, singasho izinto esizozisola ngazo kamuva. “Kuyaheha ukuthi umuntu omdala ohlukene naye azame ukwakha umfelandawonye nengane komunye umzali, avume ukuthi akhulume izinto ezingezinhle nokumsola ngayo. Lolu lwazi luzophinde lugcwalise ingqondo yengane futhi lubangele imizwa engathandeki,” kusho u-Inga Kulikova.

Kodwa yini okufanele siyiphendule uma ingane ibuza imibuzo enzima thina ngokwethu esingayitholi impendulo yayo? “Kungaba kuhle ukusho ukuthi kunobudlelwano obunzima futhi obushubile phakathi kwabazali, futhi kuthatha isikhathi ukukuqonda, futhi lona umthwalo wemfanelo wabantu abadala. Ngesikhathi esifanayo, kufanele kuqashelwe ukuthi uthando nemizwa efudumele yomntwana isekhona, isabalulekile futhi ibalulekile kubo bobabili abazali, "kusho uchwepheshe.

Uma ngenxa yezizathu ezihlukahlukene awukwazi ukuxhumana nezingane futhi uhlushwa yilokhu, akufanele ucabange ukuthi imizwa yakho ayifanele ukunakwa. Mhlawumbe ukuzinakekela kuyinto engcono kakhulu ongayenza njengamanje. “Kubalulekile ukuthi umzali ongavunyelwe ukuxhumana nengane agcine isikhundla somuntu omdala. Futhi lokhu kusho ukuqonda ukuthi imizwa engemihle yengane ngaye ingabangelwa isimo esibuhlungu.

Uma ukhathazeke kakhulu, kufanele uthinte isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo ukuze uthole usizo. Uchwepheshe angakwazi ukusekela, ukusiza ukuqaphela imizwa enamandla, aphile. Futhi, okubaluleke kakhulu, thola ukuthi iyiphi yale mizwa onayo ngengane, okuyinto kumlingani wangaphambili, okuyinto yesimo sisonke. Phela, kuvame ukuba yibhola lemizwelo nokuhlangenwe nakho okuhlukene. Futhi uma uyiqaqa, kuzoba lula kuwe, "kuphetha u-Inga Kulikova.

Ukusebenza nodokotela wezengqondo, ungafunda futhi indlela yokuxhumana nengane kanye nomzali wesibili ngokuphumelelayo, ujwayelane namasu angavamile, kodwa asebenzayo okuxhumana nokuziphatha.