Ukuphawula okugxekayo, ukuphawula kwe-caustic, umlayezo omubi… Ukungaboni kahle kungena ebudlelwaneni ngokungabonakali futhi kwenza izinto ezinobuthi. Umelaphi womndeni u-April Eldemir unikeza ukuthatha le nkinga ngokungathi sína futhi wabelane ngamathiphu okuthi ungayishintsha kanjani iphimbo lokuxhumana lisuka kokubi liye kokuhle.
Akunzima ukucabanga ukuthi ukungabi nandaba kungalimaza kanjani ubuhlobo. Ngokusho komelaphi womndeni u-April Eldemir, ingxenye yenkinga iwukuthi sibona izibonelo eziningi zokusebenzelana okungalungile emibhangqwaneni, kokubili kumabhayisikobho kanye nokuphila kwangempela. Abantu bayakhononda, bagcone, bagxeke, noma bakhulume kabi ngabalingani babo—lolu hlu luhlanganisa ngisho “nokudlala nje.” Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, lokhu kuziphatha kuqala ukubonakala kujwayelekile.
Kodwa, nakuba ukungabi nandaba kuvamile, lokhu akusho nhlobo ukuthi ukubonakaliswa okunjalo kuvamile. Kokubili intuition yethu kanye nocwaningo lwesayensi lubonisa ukuthi noma yikuphi ukusebenzisana kulo mgudu kungaba yingozi kakhulu futhi kusongela ubuqotho bobudlelwano.
Ngokusho kuka-Eldemir, sonke kufanele sicabange ukuthi ngabe ukungabi nalutho kuba yisizathu sokuphila komndeni wethu. Uphakamisa ukuthi kubhekwe ukuthi yiziphi izinkinga eziletha ebudlelwaneni nokuthi yini engenziwa ukwenza "ushintsho oluhle."
Kuyini ukuhlanekezela okungalungile?
Ukungaboni kahle ebudlelwaneni bomndeni kusebenza njengoshevu ohamba kancane. Ngisho “nezinto ezincane” eziphindaphindwa usuku nosuku, inyanga nenyanga, unyaka nonyaka zibhubhisa umuzwa wokusondelana ngokomzimba nangokomzwelo phakathi kwabantu futhi zivulela indlela “abagibeli bamahhashi abane” abachitha ubuhlobo: ukugxeka, ukwedelela, ubutha nokukhohlisa. Ekugcineni, imiphumela enobuthi yokungabi nandaba ingaba namandla kangangokuthi iholela enhlekeleleni.
Kungani kuvame ukuba nzima kithina nozakwethu? Isizathu salokhu kungase kube inhlanganisela yezinto ezihlukahlukene - isibonelo, iqiniso lokuthi:
- ukubambelela kumaqhinga adlule
- asikhulumi ngezidingo zethu futhi asinandaba nempilo yethu engokwengqondo nengokwenyama,
- silindele ngokungafanele kwabalingani bethu,
- sazane ngokwanele ukuze «bachofoze izinkinobho»
- ukuveza izingcindezi zethu kumlingani wethu,
- singavele siqale ukuthatha umlingani wethu kalula.
Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi iyini imbangela, kubalulekile ukuba sibhekane namaqiniso ngomthelela ukungabi nandaba okungaba nawo hhayi nje emshadweni wethu kuphela, kodwa nasempilweni yethu ngokuba indlela yokucabanga neyokwenza okuvamile.
Amazwi nezenzo ezimbi zingahlaba izingqondo zethu, izinhliziyo nemizimba yethu ngaphezu kokuhle.
Abaningi bethu bane-"negative distortion". Lo mphumela wokuqonda ukuthi sivame ukukhumbula ulwazi olubi kunolwazi oluhle. Ekuphenduleni ukusebenzisana okungalungile, sinokusabela okunamandla kokuziphatha kanye ne-biochemical kunokuphendula okuhle.
Kungakho inhlamba eyodwa ingaba nethonya elinamandla kakhulu kithi kunezincomo ezinhlanu, futhi kungani singahlala ubusuku bonke sibhekene nezenzakalo ezingemnandi zokuphila kwethu esikhundleni sokugxila ezinhle. Ngeshwa, simane sihlelwe ngokwezinto eziphilayo nangokwenhlalo ukuze siqaphele okungalungile.
Okusho ukuthi, amazwi nezenzo ezimbi zingahlaba izingqondo zethu, izinhliziyo, nemizimba yethu ngaphezu kokuhle. Lolu hlobo «lohlelo» lwengqondo yethu lungaphazamisa kakhulu indlela esibona ngayo abantu esishade nabo futhi lusenze izimpumputhe nezithulu kukho konke okuhle angasinika kona. Ngesizathu esifanayo, sivame ukukhohlwa izinto ezinhle esiye sabhekana nazo sindawonye. Ekugcineni, konke lokhu kungaholela ezinkingeni ezinkulu.
Indlela yokuvikela ubudlelwano?
“Awukwazi ukuxazulula inkinga uma ungazi ngayo,” kusho u-April Eldemir. Lokhu kusho ukuthi isinyathelo sokuqala sokunciphisa i-negativity emshadweni ukuqaphela. “Naka imicabango engemihle, amagama, imizwa nokuziphatha kumlingani wakho. Zama ukuwabhala phansi edayari izinsuku ezimbalwa ukuze ukwazi ukuwabuka kamuva ngokubukeka okusha kanye nesabelo sokuzigxeka. Lokhu kuhlola kukodwa kungase kwanele ukuqala ukushintsha izimo zengqondo ngendlela eqondile. Qiniseka ukuthi usondela kuyo ngelukuluku, ungazihluleli, futhi wethembe ukuthi nobabili nozakwenu nenza konke okusemandleni enu.”
Nawa amanye amathiphu ochwepheshe ukusiza ukugcina umshado wakho uphephile emiphumeleni eyingozi yokungabi nandaba futhi ushintshe ithoni yobudlelwano.
- Iba nomusa. Yebo, yebo, kulula kanjalo - qala ngomusa. Nikeza ukuncoma okuqotho, khuluma ngomusa ngomlingani wakho kwabanye, menzele okuthile okuhle: isibonelo, thenga isipho esincane noma upheke isidlo osithandayo somngane wakho womshado “njengalokho”, njengoba cishe wenza ngaphambili lapho niqala ukuthandana. Yenza okuthile okuhle noma okuwusizo kumlingani wakho, ngisho noma ungakuthandi. Kungasiza ngempela.
Naka ngokukhethekile lokho okukusizayo ukuthi uhlale unempilo futhi ubhekane nokucindezeleka
Kungaba usizo ukukhumbula lokho okubizwa ngokuthi “isilinganiso somlingo” umcwaningi uJohn Gottman athi senzeka emishadweni ejabulisayo. Indlela yakhe ilula: kukho konke ukusebenzisana okungekuhle, kufanele okungenani kube namahlanu amahle “abhalansisa” noma anciphise umphumela ongemuhle. U-April Eldemir uncoma ukuthi uzame le fomula kunoma ibuphi ubuhlobo.
- Prakthiza ukubonga. Bhala ngokucophelela futhi ukhulume ngalokho okubongayo emshadweni wakho kanye noshade naye.
- Funda ukuthethelela. Kokubili umlingani wakho kanye nawe. Uma unamanxeba amadala adinga ukusetshenzwa, cabanga ukubona umelaphi womndeni.
- Zinakekele. Naka ngokukhethekile izinto ezikusiza ukuthi uhlale unempilo futhi ulawule ingcindezi, okuhlanganisa ukujima, ukulala, ukudla ngendlela efanele, nokwenza izinto ezikwenza ujabule futhi ukhululeke.
Ubudlelwano obujabulisayo budinga umsebenzi. Futhi uma ukugxila okufika ngesikhathi enkingeni, ingxenye yokuzigxeka kanye “nokulungisa amaphutha” kuzosiza ukumisa umphumela onobuthi wemicabango nezenzo ezingezinhle futhi kubuyisele injabulo nenjabulo emshadweni, khona-ke lo msebenzi awulona neze ize.
Mayelana nombhali: U-April Eldemir ungumelaphi womndeni.