Siyakhula, kodwa kubazali, isikhathi sibonakala simile: baqhubeka besiphatha njengentsha, futhi lokhu akuhlali kumnandi. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo u-Robert Taibbi uphakamisa ukusetha kabusha ubuhlobo bakho nabazali bakho futhi buyiswe ezingeni elilandelayo.
Iziqephu kusukela ebuntwaneni zikhunjulwa ngezindlela ezahlukene. Uma sibuza abazali bethu ukuthi uhambo lwangeSonto lokuya epaki lokuzijabulisa lwahamba kanjani eminyakeni engamashumi amathathu edlule, bazoyixoxa indaba yabo. Futhi singachaza usuku olufanayo ngendlela ehluke ngokuphelele. Kuzovela amagqubu ukuthi sathethiswa, sadumala lapho singawuthenganga u-ayisikhilimu wesibili. Iphuzu eliyinhloko liwukuthi izinkumbulo zabazali nezingane zabo ezindala mayelana nezenzakalo ezifanayo zizohluka.
Njengoba sikhula, siya phambili, futhi izidingo zethu, kanye nezinkumbulo zethu zobudlelwane bethu nabazali bethu, ziyashintsha. Ngezinye izikhathi lapho beneminyaka engu-30, becabanga ngobuntwana, abantu ngokuzumayo bathola okuthile okusha esikhathini esidlule. Into egqitshwe ngaphansi kweminye imizwa nemicabango. Ukubukeka okusha kungashintsha isimo sengqondo esikhathini esidlule, kubangele intukuthelo nokucasuka. Futhi bona, bavusa ukungqubuzana noma ikhefu eliphelele nomama nobaba.
Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uRobert Taibbi ucaphuna isibonelo sika-Alexander, owavuma esimisweni ukuthi wayene "ubunzima bobuntwana". Wayehlale ethethiswa ngisho nokushaywa, kungavamile ukunconywa nokusekelwa. Ekhumbula isikhathi esidlule, ngolaka wathumela incwadi enecala elide kubazali bakhe ebacela ukuba bangalokothi baxhumane naye.
Abazali abahambisani nesikhathi futhi abaqondi ukuthi izingane sezikhulile futhi amaqhinga amadala awasasebenzi.
Esinye isibonelo esivela kumkhuba kaTaibbi indaba ka-Anna, ojwayele ukulawula ukuphila kwakhe kwamanje, ujwayele ukuba izicelo zakhe zigcwaliseke, kanye nokuvinjelwa kungaphulwa. Nokho, abazali bakhe abazange bamlalele. U-Anna wacela ukuthi anganiki indodana yakhe izipho eziningi ngosuku lwayo lokuzalwa, futhi baletha intaba yonke. Lo wesifazane wathukuthela wacasuka. Wanquma ukuthi abazali bakhe babemphatha njengengane eyeve eshumini nambili — benza abakubona kufanele ngaphandle kokuthatha amazwi akhe ngokungathi sína.
Ngokusho kukaRobert Taibbi, abazali baphila nezinkumbulo nemibono yakudala, abahambisani nezikhathi futhi abaqondi ukuthi izingane sezikhulile futhi amaqhinga amadala awasasebenzi. Abazali baka-Alexander no-Anna abazange baqaphele ukuthi iqiniso lishintshile, izindlela zabo zaziphelelwe yisikhathi. Ubudlelwano obunjengalobu budinga ukuqalisa phansi.
Kwenziwa kanjani?
URobert Taibbi uyatusa: “Uma ucasukile esikhathini esidlule, uzizwe sengathi abazali bakho abakuqondi, zama ukuqalisa kabusha ubuhlobo benu.”
Ukuze wenze lokhu udinga:
Qonda ukuthi kungani benjalo. Abazali banelungelo lombono wabo mayelana nobungane bakho. Futhi ngenxa yomkhuba wabo basakucabangela njengomncane. Iqiniso liwukuthi abantu abashintshi ngokuya ngeminyaka ngaphandle uma benezisusa eziqinile. Futhi ukuze ukuziphatha kwabo kushintshe, akwanele nje ukubacela ukuthi banganiki umzukulu wabo inqwaba yezipho.
Yisho ngomoya ophansi indlela ozizwa ngayo. Ukwethembeka ngendlela obona ngayo nobungane bakho kungaba okududuzayo futhi okuzuzisayo. Kodwa udinga ukwazi ukuthi ume nini. Phela, ukumangalelwa okungapheli ngeke kulethe ukucaca nokuqonda, kodwa kuzokwenza abazali bakho bazizwe bengcwatshwe ngaphansi kwemizwelo yakho futhi bedidekile. Bazonquma ukuthi awuwedwa, awudaki noma unesikhathi esinzima. Kungase kwenzeke okufanayo ku-Alexander, futhi incwadi yakhe ngeke ifinyelele umgomo.
UTaibbi utusa ukuba ukhulume nabazali bakho ngomoya ophansi, ngaphandle kokusongela noma ukusola, futhi ubacele ukuba bakulalele. “Phikelela futhi uchaze ngokucacile ngangokunokwenzeka, kodwa ngangokunokwenzeka ngaphandle kwemizwa engadingekile nengqondo ehluzekile,” kubhala isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo.
Lapho abantu becelwa ukuthi bayeke lokho abebekwenza amashumi eminyaka, bazizwa belahlekile.
Chaza ukuthi yini oyidingayo manje. Unganamatheli esikhathini esidlule, phikelela uzame ukushintsha indlela abazali bakho ababheka ngayo izenzakalo zobuntwana bakho. Kungcono ukuqondisa amandla okwamanje. Ngokwesibonelo, u-Alexander angachazela abazali bakhe ukuthi yini ayifunayo kubo manje. U-Anna — ukwabelana nonina noyise ngokuhlangenwe nakho kwakhe, ukutshela ukuthi lapho izicelo zakhe zinganakwa, uzizwa enqatshiwe. Ngesikhathi sengxoxo, kuyadingeka ukuveza ngokucacile futhi ngaphandle kwemizwelo engadingekile.
Nika abazali indima entsha. Uma abantu becelwa ukuthi bayeke abebekwenza amashumi eminyaka, bazizwa belahlekile futhi abazi ukuthi kufanele baqhubeke kanjani. Into engcono kakhulu ongayenza uma uqala kabusha ubudlelwano ukushintsha amaphethini okuziphatha amadala ufake amasha. Ngokwesibonelo, u-Alexander udinga ukuba abazali bakhe bamlalele futhi bamsekele. Kuyena nakubo kuzoba yinto entsha esezingeni eliphezulu. U-Anna uzoqinisekisa abazali ukuthi bangachithi imali ngezipho, kodwa bathathe ingane baye e-zoo noma emnyuziyamu noma bakhulume naye, bathole ukuthi uphila kanjani, wenzani, lokho akuthandayo.
Ukuqalisa kabusha ubudlelwano kuthatha ukuhlakanipha, isineke, nesikhathi. Ungase udinge ngisho nokubonana nodokotela wezengqondo womndeni. Kodwa uTaibbi ukholelwa ukuthi kuwufanele, ngoba ekugcineni uzothola lokho okudinga kakhulu: ukuqonda nenhlonipho yabazali bakho.
Mayelana nombhali: URobert Taibbi uyisazi sokusebenza kwengqondo, umqondisi, nombhali wezincwadi ezikhuluma nge-psychotherapy.