Lapho ukusesha komlingani wokuphila “olungile” kuma, abesifazane badumazeka kakhulu futhi babuze imibuzo mayelana nokuthi yini engalungile ngabo, ukuthi benzeni iphutha. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo kwezenhlalakahle uMadeleine Fougeres uqinisekile ukuthi uma sifuna umlingani wobudlelwane obuqinile, kudingeka siqaphele imizwelo yethu engokwemvelo. Akulimazi ngabesifazane ukwazi ukuthi amadoda abakhangwayo ngokuvamile awathambekele ekubeni nemifelandawonye yesikhathi eside.
Yini esithembela kuyo lapho sikhetha umlingani, ukuxhumana ekugcineni kuba okwesikhashana? Imaphi amaphutha esiwenza futhi singawagwema kanjani? Nazi ezinye izindlela.
1. Ukukhanga ngokomzimba
Akuwona wonke wethu ovumayo ukuthi ukukhanga ngokomzimba komlingani ongase abe umlingani kubalulekile kuye. Kodwa amaqiniso acacile: amadoda abukekayo ngokungangabazeki aheha abesifazane abathanda ubulili obuhlukile, okuqinisekiswa, phakathi kwezinye izinto, ucwaningo olwenziwa izazi zokusebenza kwengqondo zaseMelika u-Eli Finkel noPaul Eastwick.
Ngokwengxenye, lokhu kukhanga akukho lutho futhi kunezimpande zokuziphendukela kwemvelo: izici zobuso zowesilisa nokulinganisa zikhombisa izinga elihle lezakhi zofuzo. Asishiywa futhi singenandaba nezinye izimfanelo ezinhle ezibonakala zihambisana nokukhanga ngokomzimba. Sikhuluma ngobuntu obukhanyayo kanye nekhono lomuntu lokuhola impilo esebenzayo.
Noma kunjalo, kulabo abafuna ubuhlobo besikhathi eside, obuzinzile, kungcono ukushiya amadoda akhangayo yedwa. Ucwaningo luveza ukuthi amadoda abukekayo asemathubeni amaningi okukopela abantu abathandana nabo. Ngaphezu kwalokho, bahlukanisa kaningi, mhlawumbe ngenxa yokuthi bakuthola kunzima ukumelana namathuba athembisa ubudlelwano obusha.
2.Izwi elimnandi
Abesifazane bavame ukukhangwa amadoda anamazwi ahehayo. Bavame ukukhetha amazwi ajulile, angamadoda abonisa amazinga aphezulu e-testosterone. Ngaphezu kwalokho, abesifazane bathola amadoda ane-timbre emnandi ethandeka kakhulu futhi bawabheka njengamahle kakhulu ngesimilo. Ngesikhathi esifanayo, amadoda ngokwawo awazami ukuphila ngokuvumelana nokulindela okuphezulu: banokuxhumana okuningi ocansini, kungenzeka ukuthi bakhohlise abalingani abanobudlelwane besikhathi eside nabo.
Ucwaningo luveza ukuthi kuphakathi kwabesilisa abanamaphimbo ajulile ocansi lapho kukhona ikakhulukazi abayenga abantu besifazane asebeshadelwe wukungathembeki. Akufanele ucabangele laba balungi njengabalingani besikhathi eside.
3. Amadoda ebudlelwaneni
Abesifazane abathandana nobulili obuhlukile bavame ukukhangwa amadoda asuke eseqomile. Lokhu kubizwa ngokuthi “ukukhethwa komlingani wekhophi”: uma owesilisa ethole “imvume yangaphambili” kowesifazane oyedwa, abanye baqala ukumthola ekhanga. Ngaphezu kwalokho, bakhetha kakhulu lawo madoda anezintombi noma amakhosikazi, hhayi abafazi.
Kungani kungewona umqondo omuhle ukuphishekela indoda evele inomlingani uma inhloso yakho enkulu kuwubudlelwano besikhathi eside? Uma indoda isilungele ukushiya othandekayo wayo kuwe, khona-ke cishe uzokwenza okufanayo nawe lapho kuvela inketho ethakazelisa kakhulu.
Ukuthola ulwazi olwengeziwe locansi kuzosiza ukugwema leli phutha. Abesifazane abanolwazi baqiniseka ngokwengeziwe ekukhetheni umlingani wabo futhi abazizwa isidingo sokukopisha ukukhetha kwabanye.
Dala amadoda alungile
Uma uphokophele othandweni lwesikhashana nolushubile, khona-ke indoda ekhangayo enezwi elihehayo ingase ibe umlingani ophelele. Kodwa ukuze uthole ubuhlobo obuqinile besikhathi eside, kufanele ubheke amadoda ngezinye izindlela. Ukuhloniphana kubaluleke kakhulu ebudlelwaneni obuyimpumelelo besikhathi eside.
Ngaphezu kothando, kuhlotshaniswa nomuzwa wokwaneliseka ovela ebuhlotsheni obuhlala njalo, kanye nokwethembeka. Futhi, lapho sazana, sithanda, futhi sihloniphana ngokwengeziwe, kuba yilapho ukukhanga okungokomzimba kuba okungabalulekile ekulondolozeni ubuhlobo obuhlala isikhathi eside.
Mayelana nombhali: UMadeleine Fougeres unguprofesa wezengqondo yezenhlalakahle e-Eastern Connecticut University kanye nombhali we-Social Psychology of Attraction and Romance.