Okuqukethwe
Bashada ngenxa yothando, baba nengane futhi baphila kamnandi. Lesi simo sibonakala sishabalala. Isizukulwane sabazali abasha sikhetha amafomethi obambiswano lapho izingane zingabonakali njengokususelwe othandweni, kodwa njengephrojekthi eqondiwe. Ayini amathemba okusungulwa komndeni esikhathini esizayo esiseduze?
Bahlangana, bathandana, bashada, bazala abantwana, babakhulisa, babakhiphela ezweni labadala, balinda abazukulu, bagubha umshado wegolide... Lesi sithombe esihle esidala somkhaya onobungane nojabulayo sasibonakala singasoze sachithwa. kusukela esisekelweni sayo. Nokho, namuhla isehlukaniso sesiyinsakavukela umchilo wesidwaba futhi asenzekanga njengaseminyakeni engamashumi amabili edlule.
“Mina nomama wezingane zami sahlukana njengombhangqwana, kodwa sisazinakekela ngokulinganayo futhi singabangane abakhulu, kuyilapho wonke umuntu enobuhlobo bakhe,” kusho uVladimir oneminyaka engu-35 ubudala. "Izingane zinomndeni omkhulu namakhaya amabili." Ubuhlobo obunjalo babazali abahlukene sebucishe buyinto evamile.
Kodwa nakhu iRussia engakayijwayele, lokhu ukukhulisa izingane ngenkontileka. EYurophu yanamuhla, le modeli yobudlelwane iya ngokuya ivame kakhulu, kuyilapho ezweni lakithi iqala ukuvivinywa. Ihluke kanjani kunyunyana yendabuko futhi ibukeka kanjani?
Umshado wobungani nokunethezeka
Kunezinketho eziningi zenkontileka enjalo. Isibonelo, ababili badala ubuhlobo hhayi njengabalingani, kodwa njengabazali - kuphela ukuze babelethe, bakhulise futhi bakhulise ingane. Okusho ukuthi, alukho uthando nobulili. Ukuthi nje bobabili bafuna ukuba nezingane futhi bavumelane ngephrojekthi “yengane”, ukubala ibhajethi, ukugcina indlu.
Yilokhu okwenziwa uGennady oneminyaka engu-32 nentombi yakhe: “Sazana kusukela esikoleni, asikaze sithandane, singabangane abakhulu. Bobabili bafuna izingane ngempela. Ngicabanga ukuthi sizoba umama nobaba abaphezulu. Ngiyabazi abazali bakhe, yena ungowami. Ngakho-ke, asilindele izimanga ezingajabulisi mayelana nofuzo, abalingiswa noma imikhuba emibi. Akwanele lokho? Manje sesidlulele ekuqalisweni kwephrojekthi yethu. Bobabili bayahlolwa futhi balungiselela ukukhulelwa ngosizo lwe-IVF.”
Noma kungase kube kanje: babehlala futhi befana nombhangqwana, bathandane, bese kukhona okushintshile, futhi ingane isivele ikhona futhi bobabili abazali bayamthanda. Lokhu akunjalo lapho abalingani behlala ndawonye "ngenxa yendodakazi noma indodana" ngenxa yecala phambi kwabo, behlukumezana ngamahlazo nenzondo, futhi balinde iminyaka engu-18 ukuze babaleke ekugcineni. Futhi bamane banqume ngokunengqondo ukuba ndawonye ngaphansi kophahla olufanayo nabazali, kodwa baphile ukuphila kwabo siqu ngokwehlukana. Futhi azikho izimangalo komunye nomunye.
Lesi sinqumo senziwe u-Alena oneminyaka engu-29 no-Eduard oneminyaka engu-30 ubudala, abashade eminyakeni engu-7 edlule ngenxa yothando. Manje indodakazi yabo ineminyaka engu-4 ubudala. Banquma ukuthi ukuntuleka kothando akusona isizathu sokuhlakazeka nokuhlakazeka efulethini elivamile.
“Siye sabela imithwalo yemfanelo yasekhaya, senze isimiso sokuhlanza, ukuthenga igilosa, siyashintshana ngokunakekela indodakazi yethu nemisebenzi yayo. Sobabili mina no-Edik siyasebenza,” kuchaza u-Alena. - Singabantu abalungile, kodwa asisathandi, nakuba sihlala efulethini elifanayo. Savuma kanjalo ngoba indodakazi inelungelo lomuzi owodwa nabazali bobabili abaseduze. Kulungile kuye nakomunye nomunye.”
“Ngiyajabula ngokuthi iqanda lami lisize abangane bami ukuba bajabule”
Kodwa umbhangqwana oneminyaka engu-39 ubudala u-Andrei noKaterina oneminyaka engu-35 ubudala abakwazanga ukukhulelwa ingane iminyaka engaphezu kwengu-10, naphezu kwawo wonke amathuba obuchwepheshe obusha. Umngane kaKaterina wathembisa ukuzala ingane ka-Andrey.
“Anginalo ithuba lokumkhulisa mina,” kusho uMaria oneminyaka engu-33. - Mhlawumbe, uNkulunkulu akazange anginike okuthile ngokomzwelo wemvelo wokuba ngumama, izingxenye ezithile ezibalulekile ezingokomoya. Futhi kukhona abantu abacabanga ngakho kuphela. Ngiyajabula ngokuthi iqanda lami lasiza abangani bami ukuba bajabule. Ngiyayibona indlela indodana yami ekhula ngayo, ibambe iqhaza empilweni yayo, kodwa bangabazali abangcono kakhulu bayo.
Ekuqaleni, ubudlelwano obusha bomndeni bungashaqisa: umehluko wabo kulokho okwakubhekwa njengemodeli ngaphambili mkhulu kakhulu! Kodwa banezinzuzo zabo siqu.
Izithombe "ezingalungile".
Ubudlelwano obusha phakathi kwabalingani busho ukwethembeka. Abantu abadala "ogwini" bavumelana ngesinqumo esinomthwalo wemfanelo sokuba umama nobaba futhi basabalalise imithwalo yemfanelo. Abalindele uthando nokwethembeka komunye nomunye, abanazo izimfuno ezingenasisekelo.
“Kimina kubonakala sengathi lokhu kususa ikhanda elikhulu kubazali futhi kusakazwe enganeni: “Asidlali noma yimuphi umdlalo, asizifihli ukuthi singabantu abathandanayo. Singabazali bakho,” kuphawula u-Amir Tagiyev, umqeqeshi wezamabhizinisi, uchwepheshe ekusebenzeni nezingane kanye nentsha. Ngesikhathi esifanayo, abazali bangajabula kakhulu.
Futhi ingane kuleli cala ibona eduze kwakhe ejabule njengephezulu futhi ezolile - okungenani - abantu abadala.
Kunguqulo yakudala yomndeni, kwakucatshangwa ukuthi ukuphila ndawonye kungenzeka ngaphandle kothando.
Isimo siyinkimbinkimbi kakhulu emindenini yendabuko: lapho, ngokusho kuka-Amir Tagiyev, ngokuvamile "amanga akhula kahle ngezimbali ezimangalisayo", ubudlelwano bugcwele ukukhaphela, ukuthukwa, izimangalo. Owesilisa nowesifazane ngabe bahlukana kudala, kodwa “babanjwe” ingane. Ngenxa yalokho, lonke ulaka lwabazali ngomunye nomunye luthela phezu kwakhe.
“Ezingxoxweni zami nentsha, isihloko sama-albhamu ezithombe sivame ukuvela,” kuchaza u-Amir Tagiyev. – Lapha esithombeni kukhona ubaba omncane nomama abajabule, futhi lapha abajabulile lapho umntwana ebonakala. Banobuso obukhathazekile. Mina nawe siyaqonda ukuthi sebevuthiwe, banezinkathazo ngempela. Kodwa ingane ayinakho lokhu kuqonda. Uyabona ukuthi kwakunjani futhi kwenzeka kanjani. Futhi uphetha ngokuthi: “Ngabamoshela yonke into ngokubukeka kwami. Kungenxa yami ukuthi bahlale bethuka izanya.” Ngiyazibuza ukuthi hlobo luni lobuso esizobubona kuma-albhamu ezithombe emindeni “yenkontileka”…
Ukuguqulwa kwamanani
Enguqulweni yakudala yomndeni, kwakucatshangwa ukuthi ukuhlala ndawonye kungenzeka ngaphandle kothando, kusho u-Alexander Wenger, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo yezingane kanye nochwepheshe bengqondo yokuthuthukiswa komtholampilo.
Ukucatshangelwa komsebenzi, ukuhlonipheka, ukuzinza kwadlala indima enkulu kakhulu: “Uhlangothi lwemizwa yobudlelwane lwanikezwa ukubaluleka okuncane kakhulu kunanamuhla. Ngaphambilini, inani elihamba phambili emphakathini, elivezwe ngokungenakugwenywa kumodeli womndeni, kwakuyi-collectivism. Isimiso sasebenza: abantu bangama-cogs. Asinandaba nemizwa. I-Conformism yakhuthazwa - ukuguqulwa kokuziphatha ngaphansi kwethonya lokucindezela komphakathi. Manje umsebenzi, ukuzimela ekwenzeni izinqumo nezenzo, kukhuthazwa ubuntu. Eminyakeni engu-30 edlule, thina bantu baseRussia sabhekana noshintsho olunamandla kwezenhlalo, lapho isimiso esidala sifa ngempela, futhi kwakhiwa esisha.”
Futhi kulo modeli omusha owakhiwayo, izithakazelo zomuntu zifika phambili. Uthando selubalulekile ebuhlotsheni, futhi uma lungekho, khona-ke kubonakala sengathi asikho isidingo sokuba ndawonye. Ngaphambili, uma indoda nomfazi bethandana, kwakubhekwa njengemvelo: uthando luyadlula, kodwa umndeni uhlala. Kodwa kanye nezindinganiso ezintsha, ukungazinzi kwafika empilweni yethu, futhi umhlaba waba ne-atomized, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo sikholelwa. Ukuthambekela “kokuhlakazeka kube ama-athomu” nakho kuyangena emndenini. Igxila kancane kancane kokuthi “thina” futhi igxile kakhulu kokuthi “Mina”.
Izingxenye ezintathu zomndeni onempilo
Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi umkhaya unjani, izimo ezintathu ziyadingeka ukuze kube nobuhlobo obunempilo phakathi komzali nengane, kusho isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo yezingane u-Alexander Wenger, uchwepheshe wesayensi yokuthuthukiswa kwengqondo yomtholampilo.
1. Yiphathe ngenhlonipho ingane, kungakhathaliseki ubudala bayo nobulili. Kungani sixhumana ngendlela ehluke kangaka: nabantu abadala njengabalinganayo, futhi kusukela phezulu kuya phansi nezingane? Ngisho noma ingane isanda kuzalwa, kufanelekile ukuyiphatha njengomuntu, ngokulingana.
2. Xhumana ngokukhululekile ngokomzwelo nengane. Okokuqala, iphathelene nemizwa eyakhayo. Uma umzali ejabule, kufanelekile ukwabelana ngakho. Uma ucasukile, ucasukile, khona-ke lokhu kungakwazi futhi kufanele kwabelwane nengane, kodwa ngokucophelela. Abazali bavame ukwesaba ukugona futhi, ukuba nomusa, hhayi ukuqina, besaba ukumosha ingane uma beyigona kakhulu. Cha, abazitikeli ngalokhu, kodwa lapho befeza noma yiziphi izidingo. Futhi ububele nothando akunakonakala.
3. Khumbula ukuthi ingane ayilungiseleli ikusasa kuphela, kodwa iphila esikhathini samanje. Manje unezithakazelo zezingane ngaphezu kwalezo ezibhekiswe esikhathini esizayo. Ukuze kungabonakali ukuthi ingane ifunda okuthile kusukela ekuseni kuze kube sebusuku, ukuze iye ekolishi kamuva. Isikole akusona kuphela okuqukethwe empilweni yakhe. I-postulate ethi "mayingabi mnandi, kodwa isebenziseke futhi ibe usizo kamuva" ayisebenzi. Futhi ngisho nangaphezulu, esikhundleni sokudlala nokuzijabulisa, akufanele umphoqelele ukuthi afunde umjikelezo wesikole esemncane. Udinga ukuzizwa ekhululekile manje, ngoba yilokhu okuzothinta ikusasa lakhe: ubuntwana obuqinile bukhulisa ukukhuthazela ekucindezelekeni lapho esemdala.
Abantu abadala abadidekile
Esimisweni esisha sohlelo lwezwe, kancane kancane u-“I” wezingane zethu waqala ukuzibonakalisa ngokucacile, okuthinta ubuhlobo babo nabazali babo. Ngakho-ke, intsha yanamuhla ithi izimele kakhudlwana “kokhokho” bayo. “Bona, njengomthetho, bangcono kunobaba nomama emhlabeni ongokoqobo,” kuchaza u-Alexander Wenger. “Kodwa ukuthembela kwabo kwansuku zonke kubantu abadala kukhula, okubhebhethekisa ukungqubuzana kwentsha. Futhi izindlela zakudala zokuxazulula izingxabano ziba ezingamukeleki. Uma izizukulwane ezidlule zihlala zishaya izingane, manje sekuyekile ukuba yinjwayelo futhi sekuyindlela yemfundo engamukeleki emphakathini. Bese kuthi-ke, ngicabanga, kuzoba nezijeziso ezingokomzimba ezimbalwa nezimbalwa.
Umphumela wezinguquko ezisheshayo ukudideka kwabazali, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo sikholelwa. Ngaphambilini, imodeli eyakhuliswa isizukulwane ngesizukulwane yayimane ikhiqizwe emzuliswaneni olandelayo wohlelo lomndeni. Kodwa abazali banamuhla abaqondi: uma indodana ixabene, kufanele siyithethise ngokuyishaya noma siyidumise ngokuwina? Indlela yokuphendula, indlela yokulungiselela kahle izingane ikusasa, lapho isimo sengqondo esidala siphela ngaso leso sikhathi? Kuhlanganisa nomqondo wesidingo sokuxhumana okuseduze phakathi kwamalungu omndeni.
Namuhla, kokubili eYurophu naseRussia, kunomkhuba wokunciphisa okunamathiselwe.
“Umuntu uhamba kalula emkhathini, akabambeleli endlini, idolobha, izwe,” kusho u-Amir Tagiyev. - Umngane wami waseJalimane wazibuza ngobuqotho ukuthi kungani ngithenga ifulethi: "Kuthiwani uma ufuna ukuthutha? Ungakwazi ukuqasha!” Ukungabaza ukunamathiselwa endaweni ethile kudlulela kwezinye izinanyathiselwa. Lokhu kusebenza kozakwethu, nokuthandayo, nemikhuba. Emkhayeni lapho kungekho khona inkolo yothando, umntwana uyoba nenkululeko eyengeziwe, umuzwa ocacile wokuthi ungumuntu kanye nelungelo lokusho lokho akucabangayo, ukuphila ngendlela ayifunayo. Izingane ezinjalo zizozethemba ngokwengeziwe.
Zihloniphe Izifundo
Ukuzethemba enganeni, ngokusho kuka-Amir Tagiyev, kubonakala lapho eqonda ukuthi: "Lo mhlaba uyangidinga, futhi umhlaba uyangidinga", lapho ekhulela emndenini lapho azi kahle ukuthi yini abazali bakhe abayidingayo, futhi bayamdinga. . Ukuthi, esefikile kulomhlaba, wandisa injabulo yabanye abantu. Futhi hhayi ngokuphambene.
"Izinhlobo ezintsha zobudlelwano zakhelwe esivumelwaneni esivulelekile, futhi, ngethemba, kuzo bonke ababambiqhaza bazohloniphana ngokwanele. Angibuboni ubungozi bezingane. Ungalindela ukuthi uma abantu behlala ndawonye ngokukhethekile ngenxa yengane, khona-ke okungenani bazoyinakekela ngokwanele, ngoba lokhu kuyinjongo yabo eyinhloko, "kugcizelela u-Alexander Wenger.
"Ubudlelwano phakathi kukababa nomama emndenini wohlobo lwenkontileka abukho mayelana nokuzithoba (umyeni uyinhloko yomndeni, noma okuphambene nalokho), kodwa mayelana nokubambisana - ukwethembeka, ukuvuleka, ukukhuluma ngemininingwane emincane: kusukela esikhathini ingane emnikelweni wezimali ngamunye,” kusho u-Amir Tagiyev. – Lapha ukubaluleka kuhlukile – amalungelo alinganayo nezibopho nokuhloniphana. Enganeni, leli iqiniso ezokhulela kulo. Lona ukuphikisana kwemodeli ekhona manje, lapho umzali ekwazi kangcono ukuthi indodana noma indodakazi ihlala kanjani, ubani ongaba umngane naye, yini okufanele ayenze, yini okufanele aphuphe ngayo nokuthi enzeni ngemva kwesikole. Lapho uthisha azi kangcono ukuthi yini okufanele ayifunde, yini okufanele ayifunde nokuthi yini okufanele ayizwe ngesikhathi esifanayo.
Umndeni emhlabeni oshintshayo uzothola indawo kokubili kwengane nothando
Ingabe kufanele silindele ukuthi ikusasa lingelenkontileka yokukhulisa izingane? Kunalokho, "ubuhlungu obukhulayo", isigaba sesikhashana, umqeqeshi webhizinisi uqinisekile. I-pendulum ishintshile isuka esikhundleni esithi "Izingane ziyisithelo sothando" yaya kokuthi "Ngenxa yengane, ngilungele ubuhlobo obungenamizwa ngomlingani."
“Le modeli ayiwona wokugcina, kodwa izonyakazisa umphakathi futhi isiphoqe ukuthi siphinde sibhekisise ubudlelwano phakathi komndeni. Futhi sizibuza imibuzo: ingabe siyakwazi ukuxoxisana? Ingabe sikulungele ukulalelana? Ingabe siyakwazi ukuhlonipha ingane kusukela ekuzalweni? U-Amir Tagiyev uyafingqa.
Mhlawumbe, emindenini enjalo, umphakathi uzokwazi ukufunda, njenge-simulator, ikhono lokwakha ubudlelwano ngendlela ehlukile. Futhi umndeni ezweni elishintshayo uzothola indawo kokubili kwengane nothando.
Kwenzenjani ngoSonto baba?
Namuhla kunezingane eziningi okuthi ngemva kokuhlukana kwabazali bazo zibe nemindeni emibili – ekababa nomama. Nalokhu, sekuphenduke indlela entsha yokuba umzali. Abantu abadala bangakha kanjani ubudlelwano ukuze ingane ikhululeke? Weluleka isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo yezingane u-Alexander Wenger.
Kubalulekile ukuthi ingane igcine ukuxhumana nabazali bobabili. Kungenjalo, uzifaka engozini ngolunye usuku, lapho indodana noma indodakazi yakho isikhulile, ithole icala lokuthi uyibekele uyise noma unina futhi waphuca umzali wayo wesibili, nokuthi ayisafuni ukuxhumana nawe.
Okungazilungele izingane ifomethi yomndeni ethi “Sunday Dad”. Kuvela ukuthi impilo yansuku zonke, egcwele ukunyuka kokuqala enkulisa nasesikoleni, ukuhlola umsebenzi wesikole, izidingo zombuso kanye nezinye isimiso esingemnandi ngaso sonke isikhathi, ingane ichitha nomama wayo, kanti ubaba uyiholide, izipho, ukuzijabulisa. Kungcono ukuhlukanisa imithwalo yemfanelo ngokulinganayo ukuze bobabili abazali bathole kokubili "izinti" kanye "nezaqathi". Kodwa uma ubaba engenalo ithuba lokunakekela ingane phakathi nezinsuku, udinga ukubeka eceleni izimpelasonto lapho umama ezozijabulisa nengane.
Abazali akufanele bakhulume kabi ngomunye nomunye, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi bacasulwe futhi bathukuthele kangakanani. Uma omunye walaba ababili esakhuluma kabi ngomunye, kufanele uchazele umntwana: “Ubaba (noma umama) ucasulwe yimi. Asimenzele umusa.” Noma “Wahamba futhi uzizwa enecala. Futhi ufuna ukufakazela wonke umuntu futhi ngokwakhe ukuthi akuyena onecala, kodwa mina. Yingakho ekhuluma ngami kanjalo. Kushisa bhe, akakwazi ukumelana nemizwa yakhe.” Okhuluma kabi ngomunye umzali ulimaza ingane yakhe: emva kwakho konke, akaboni nje kuphela amagama, kodwa futhi nemizwelo, nobutha kuyamlimaza.