Kungenzeka yini ukuxolela umama ongasithandi?

Umbuzo wokuthethelela esimweni lapho woniwe kakhulu noma ukhashelwe kuyisihloko esinzima kakhulu. Ikakhulukazi uma kuziwa kumama, omsebenzi wakhe oyinhloko uwukuthanda nokunakekela. Futhi yilapho ekuphoxe khona. Imiphumela izohlala nawe impilo yonke, ngeke izwakale kuphela ebuntwaneni, kodwa futhi nasebudaleni.

Imbongi u-Alexander Pope wabhala: "Ukuphutha kungumuntu, ukuthethelela kungunkulunkulu." Kuwumkhuba wamasiko ukuthi ikhono lokuthethelela, ikakhulukazi icala elihlukumeza kakhulu noma ukuhlukumeza, ngokuvamile lithathwa njengophawu lokuziphendukela kwemvelo kokuziphatha noma okungokomoya. Igunya lale ncazelo lisekelwa isiko lamaJudeo-Christian, isibonelo, libonakala emthandazweni othi "Baba Wethu".

Kubalulekile ukubona nokuqaphela ukuchema okunjalo kwamasiko, ngoba indodakazi engathandeki izozizwa iphoqelekile ukuba ithethelele unina. Ukucindezela okungokwengqondo kungalethwa abangane abaseduze, abantu obajwayele, izihlobo, abantu abangabazi ngokuphelele, ngisho nabelaphi. Ngaphezu kwalokho, isidingo sokubonakala singcono ngokuziphatha kunonina sifeza indima ethile.

Kodwa uma singavuma ukuthi ukuthethelela kulungile ngokombono wokuziphatha, khona-ke ingqikithi yomqondo ngokwawo iphakamisa imibuzo eminingi. Ingabe ukuthethelela kusula zonke izinto ezimbi umuntu azenzile, ingabe kuyamthethelela? Noma ingabe kukhona enye indlela? Ubani olidinga kakhulu: umthetheleli noma umthetheleli? Ingabe lena indlela yokukhipha intukuthelo? Ingabe ukuthethelela kunikeza izinzuzo eziningi kunokuphindisela? Noma usiguqule sibe ababuthakathaka futhi abakhohlisayo? Sekuyiminyaka sizama ukuphendula le mibuzo.

I-psychology yokuthethelela

Ezinsukwini zokuqala zomlando, abantu babevame ukusinda ngamaqembu kunokuba bebodwa noma ngababili, ngakho-ke, ngokombono, ukuthethelela kwaba yindlela yokuziphatha kwe-prosocial. Ukuziphindiselela akukuhlukanisi nje nomoni kanye nabalingani bakhe, kodwa kungase kuhambisane nezithakazelo ezijwayelekile zeqembu. Isihloko sakamuva sesazi sokusebenza kwengqondo seNyuvesi yaseNorth Carolina u-Janie L. Burnett nozakwabo bacabanga ukuthi ukuthethelela njengesu kuyadingeka ukuze kubalwe izingozi zokuziphindiselela ngokumelene nezinzuzo ezingaba khona zokubambisana okuqhubekayo.

Okuthile okufana nalokhu: umfana omncane wathumba intombi yakho, kodwa uyaqonda ukuthi ungomunye wabantu abaqine kakhulu esizweni futhi amandla akhe azodingeka kakhulu ngesikhathi sikazamcolo. Uzokwenzani? Ingabe uzoziphindiselela ukuze abanye bangahloniphi, noma uzocabangela ukuthi kungenzeka yini umsebenzi ohlanganyelwe esikhathini esizayo futhi umthethelele? Uchungechunge lwezivivinyo phakathi kwabafundi basekolishi lubonise ukuthi umqondo wokuthethelela unethonya elinamandla ekulawuleni ubungozi ebuhlotsheni.

Olunye ucwaningo lubonisa ukuthi izici ezithile zobuntu zenza abantu bathethelele. Noma, ngokunembe kakhudlwana, kungenzeka ukukholelwa ukuthi ukuthethelela kuyisu eliwusizo futhi elifaneleka ezimeni lapho bephathwe ngokungafanele. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esikholelwa ekuziphendukeleni kwemvelo uMichael McCullough sibhala esihlokweni sakhe ukuthi abantu abakwaziyo ukuzuza ebudlelwaneni bavame ukuthethelela. Okufanayo kusebenza kubantu abazinzile ngokomzwelo, abakholwayo, abakholelwa ngokujulile.

Ukuthethelela kuhlanganisa izinqubo eziningana ezingokwengqondo: uzwela ngomoni, isikweletu esithile sokuthembela kuye kanye nekhono lokungabuyeli ngokuphindaphindiwe kulokho umenzi wobubi akwenzile. Lesi sihloko asisho ukunamathisela, kodwa ungabona ukuthi uma sikhuluma ngokunamathiselwe okukhathazekayo (kuzibonakalisa uma umuntu engenakho ukusekelwa okungokomzwelo okudingekayo ebuntwaneni), isisulu asinakwenzeka ukuba sikwazi ukunqoba zonke lezi zinyathelo.

Indlela ye-meta-analytical iphakamisa ukuthi kukhona ukuxhumana phakathi kokuzithiba nekhono lokuthethelela. Isifiso sokuziphindiselela "siyinto yokuqala", futhi indlela eyakhayo iwuphawu lokuzithiba okunamandla. Eqinisweni, kuzwakala njengokunye ukuchema kwamasiko.

I-Porcupine Kiss kanye Neminye Imibono

UFrank Fincham, uchwepheshe wezokuthethelela, unikeza umfanekiso wezingungumbane ezimbili eziqabulayo njengophawu lwezindida zobudlelwane babantu. Cabanga nje: ngobusuku obuyisithwathwa, laba ababili bayagoqana ukuze bafudumale, bajabulele ukusondelana. Futhi kungazelelwe iva lenye lingena esikhumbeni somunye. Hawu! Abantu bayizidalwa zomphakathi, ngakho-ke siba sengozini yezikhathi ze-"eshu" ngenkathi sifuna ukusondelana. UFincham uhlukanisa kahle ukuthi kuyini ukuthethelela, futhi lokhu kuhlukaniswa kufanele kuphawulwe.

Ukuthethelela akusho ukuphika noma ukwenza sengathi akukho sono. Eqinisweni, ukuthethelela kufakazela iqiniso lokucasuka, ngoba uma kungenjalo bekungeke kudingeke. Ngaphezu kwalokho, ukulimaza kuqinisekiswa njengesenzo sokuqaphela: futhi, izenzo zokungazi lutho azidingi ukuthethelelwa. Ngokwesibonelo, lapho igatsha lesihlahla somakhelwane liphihliza iwindi langaphambili lemoto yakho, akudingekile ukuba uxolele noma ubani. Kodwa lapho umakhelwane wakho ethatha igatsha futhi aphule ingilazi ngenxa yentukuthelo, yonke into ihlukile.

Ku-Fincham, ukuthethelela akusho ukubuyisana noma ukuhlangana kabusha. Nakuba kufanele uxolele ukuze ulungise, ungamxolela umuntu futhi ungasafuni lutho ngaye. Okokugcina, futhi okubaluleke kakhulu, ukuthethelela akusona isenzo esisodwa, kuyinqubo. Kuyadingeka ukubhekana nemizwa engemihle (imiphumela yezenzo zomoni) bese ubuyisela umfutho wokuphindisela ngokuthanda okuhle. Lokhu kudinga umsebenzi omningi ngokomzwelo nokuqonda, ngakho isitatimende esithi «Ngizama ukukuthethelela» siyiqiniso ngokuphelele futhi sinencazelo eningi.

Ingabe ukuthethelela kusebenza njalo?

Ngokuhlangenwe nakho kwakho noma kuma-anecdotes, usuvele uyayazi impendulo yombuzo wokuthi ukuthethelela kusebenza njalo: ngamafuphi, cha, hhayi njalo. Ake sibheke ucwaningo oluhlaziya izici ezimbi zalolu hlelo. Isihloko, esinesihloko esithi “The Doormat Effect,” siyindaba eyisixwayiso emadodakazini alindele ukuthethelela omama bawo futhi aqhubeke nobuhlobo bawo nabo.

Ucwaningo oluningi lugxile ezinzuzweni zokuthethelela, ngakho-ke umsebenzi wezazi zokusebenza kwengqondo uLaura Lucic, u-Elie Finkel, kanye nozakwabo ubukeka njengemvu emnyama. Bathola ukuthi ukuthethelela kusebenza kuphela ngaphansi kwezimo ezithile—okungukuthi, lapho owonile esephendukile futhi ezama ukushintsha ukuziphatha kwakhe.

Uma lokhu kwenzeka, akukho lutho olusongela ukuzethemba nokuzihlonipha komthetheleli. Kodwa uma umenzi wobubi eqhubeka nokuziphatha njengenjwayelo, noma okubi nakakhulu - ebona intethelelo njengezaba ezintsha zokwephula ukwethembana, lokhu kuzokwehlisa ukuzethemba komuntu ozozizwa ekhohlisiwe futhi esetshenziswa. Nakuba indikimba yocwaningo itusa ukuthethelela cishe njengendlela yokwelapha, ihlanganisa nalesi sigaba: “Ukusabela kwezisulu nabenzi bobubi kunomthelela omkhulu esimweni sangemva kokuhlukunyezwa.”

Ukuzihlonipha nokuzihlonipha komuntu ohlukunyeziwe akunqunywa kuphela ngesinqumo sokuthethelela umenzi owonileyo noma cha, kodwa nokuthi izenzo zomoni zizobonisa ukuphepha kwesisulu, ukubaluleka kwakhe.

Uma umama wakho engakawabeki amakhadi akhe etafuleni, evuma obala indlela akuphathe ngayo futhi ethembisa ukuthi uzosebenzisana nawe ukuze ushintshe, ukuthethelela kwakho kungase kube indlela nje yokuthi akubheke njengomata okhululekile womnyango futhi.

Umdanso Wokuphika

Odokotela nabacwaningi bayavuma ukuthi ukuthethelela abenzi bobubi kuyisisekelo sekhono lokwakha ubuhlobo obuseduze, ikakhulukazi abashadile. Kodwa ngokubhukha okuthile. Ubudlelwano kufanele bulingane, ngaphandle kokungalingani kwamandla, lapho bobabili abalingani benentshisekelo ngokulinganayo kulokhu kuxhumana futhi befaka imizamo elinganayo kukho. Ubuhlobo phakathi kukamama nengane engathandeki ngokwencazelo abulingani, ngisho nalapho ingane isikhulile. Usaludinga uthando lukamama nokwesekwa angazange akuthole.

Isifiso sokuthethelela singaba isithiyo ekwelapheni kwangempela - indodakazi izoqala ukukubukela phansi ukuhlupheka kwayo futhi ihlanganyele ekuzikhohliseni. Lokhu kungabizwa ngokuthi "umdanso wokuphika": izenzo namazwi kamama achazwa ngokunengqondo futhi angena enguqulweni ethile yesimiso. "Akaqondi ukuthi kungizwisa ubuhlungu." "Ubuntwana bakhe bebungajabulile futhi akazi nje ukuthi bekungaba ngenye indlela." "Mhlawumbe uqinisile futhi ngithatha yonke into uqobo."

Ikhono lokuthethelela libhekwa njengophawu lokuziphatha okuphakeme, okusihlukanisa nenqwaba yabantu abacasulwe ukuziphindiselela. Ngakho-ke, kungase kubonakale endodakazini ukuthi uma efinyelela lolu phawu, ekugcineni uzothola into efiseleka kakhulu emhlabeni: uthando lukanina.

Mhlawumbe ingxoxo akufanele ibe mayelana nokuthi uzomthethelela yini umama wakho, kodwa mayelana nokuthi uzokwenza nini futhi ngasiphi isizathu.

Ukuthethelela ngemva kokuhlukana

“Ukuxolelana kuhambisana nokwelapha, ukuphulukiswa kuqala ngokwethembeka nokuzithanda. Ngokuthethelela, angisho ukuthi “Kulungile, ngiyaqonda, usanda kwenza iphutha, awumubi.” Sinikeza intethelelo “evamile” nsuku zonke, ngoba abantu abaphelele futhi bavame ukwenza amaphutha.

Kodwa ngikhuluma ngohlobo oluhlukile lokuxolela. Njengalokhu: “Ngiyakuqonda ngempela okwenzile, bekukubi futhi akwamukelekile, kushiye isilonda kimi impilo yonke. Kodwa ngiya phambili, isibazi siyaphola, angisakubambeleli. Yilolo hlobo lwentethelelo engilufunayo njengoba ngelapheka ekuhlukumezekeni. Nokho, ukuthethelela akuwona umgomo oyinhloko. Umgomo oyinhloko ukuphulukisa. Ukuthethelela kuwumphumela wokwelapha.”

Amadodakazi amaningi angathandwa abheka ukuthethelela njengesinyathelo sokugcina endleleni eya enkululekweni. Babonakala bengagxili kakhulu ekuthetheleleni omama babo kunokuba bayeke ubuhlobo nabo. Ngokomzwelo, usahileleke ebuhlotsheni uma uqhubeka nokuthukuthela: ukukhathazeka ngokuthi umama wakho wakuphatha ngesihluku kangakanani, ukuthi kungalungile kangakanani ukuthi waba ngumama wakho kwasekuqaleni. Kulokhu, ukuthethelela kuba ikhefu eliphelele nelingenakuhlehliswa ekukhulumisaneni.

Kodwa indodakazi eyodwa yawuchaza umehluko phakathi kokuthethelela nokunqanyulwa:

“Ngeke ngiphendule esinye isihlathi ngelule igatsha lomnqumo (ngeke ngiphinde). Into eseduze kakhulu nentethelelo kimi wukukhululeka kule ndaba ngomqondo othile wamaBuddha. Ukuhlala ngihlafuna lesi sihloko kulimaza ubuchopho, futhi lapho ngizibamba ngicabanga ngakho, ngizama ukugxila esikhathini samanje. Ngigxile emoyeni wami. Futhi, futhi, futhi, futhi futhi. Izikhathi eziningi njengoba kudingeka. Ukucindezeleka - ukucabanga ngesikhathi esidlule, ukukhathazeka ngekusasa. Isixazululo ukuqaphela ukuthi uphilela inamuhla. Uzwelo luphinde luyimise yonke inqubo yobuthi, ngakho ngiyazindla ngalokho okwenza umama abenje. Kodwa konke kungenxa yami ingqondo. Ukuthethelela? Hhayi».

Isinqumo sokuthethelela umama wakho sinzima, futhi sincike kakhulu ekukhuthazeni kwakho nasezihlosweni zakho.

Kukaningi ngibuzwa ukuthi sengimxolele yini umama wami. Cha, angizange. Kimina unya lwamabomu ezinganeni aluthetheleleki, futhi kusobala ukuthi unecala kulokhu. Kodwa uma enye yezingxenye zokuthethelela kuyikhono lokuzikhulula, khona-ke lokhu kuyindaba ehluke ngokuphelele. Eqinisweni, angikaze ngicabange ngomama ngaphandle kokuba ngibhale ngaye. Ngomqondo othile, lena inkululeko yangempela.