Osizini nasentokozweni: kungani ubungane bubaluleke kakhulu

“Lapho indodana yami isegumbini labagula kakhulu, ngazizwa ngingenamandla futhi ngilahlekelwe,” kukhumbula uMaria. - Into kuphela eyangisiza ngaleso sikhathi kwakuwukusekelwa komngane engangimazi iminyaka engaphezu kwengu-30. Ngenxa yakhe, ngangikholelwa ukuthi konke kuzolunga. Wayazi kahle ukuthi kufanele athini futhi enzeni ukuze angenze ngizizwe ngingcono.”

Kumelwe ukuba kwenzeke okufanayo kwabaningi. Lawa amandla obungane, imfihlo yawo eyinhloko. Asithandi nje abangane ngenxa yalokho abayikho kuphela, kodwa futhi ngoba basenza lokho esiyikho.

"Manje babalile nawe"

Abantu bayizilwane zomphakathi, ngakho imizimba yethu nobuchopho bethu bakhelwe ukwenza zonke izinhlobo zokuxhuma. Ukuqala ukuba abangani, sixhumana ngosizo lwa:

• ukuthinta, okwenza kusebenze ukukhiqizwa kwe-oxytocin futhi kusisiza ukuba sithembele kwabanye;
• izingxoxo ezisivumela ukuthi sinqume indawo yethu eqenjini futhi sithole ukuthi ubani ongaveli eqenjini lethu nokuthi ubani okungafanele avunyelwe ukungena kulo;
• ukwabelana ngomnyakazo nabanye okhulula ama-endorphin (cabanga ngamantombazane asemasha egona, ehleba, nokudansa ephathini).

Nokho, nakuba sidalelwe ukuxhumana nabanye, amakhono ethu anomkhawulo. Ngakho, ucwaningo olwenziwa isazi sesayensi yezinto eziphilayo saseBrithani uRobin Dunbar sabonisa ukuthi umuntu angakwazi ukulondoloza abantu abangaba ngu-150 bamazinga ahlukahlukene okusondelana. Kulaba, kufika ku-5 abantu abangabangane abakhulu, abangu-10 bangabangane abaseduze, abangu-35 abangani, abangu-100 bangabangane.

Siyini isizathu semingcele enjalo? “Ubungane abufani nobuhlobo nezihlobo esingakwazi ukuxhumana nazo isikhathi eside, ngoba siyazi ukuthi ngeke ziye ndawo, ngoba sixhumene negazi,” kusho isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uCheryl Carmichael. “Ubungane budinga ukukhulumisana njalo nokubuya ngokomzwelo.”

Lokhu akusho nhlobo ukuthi kufanele ube nabangane abahle kakhulu abahlanu noma othintana nabo abayikhulu ezinkundleni zokuxhumana. Kodwa ubuchopho bethu buhleleke kangangokuthi asisakwazi ukubudonsa ngokomzwelo nangokomzimba.

Ukusekelwa kobungane nosizo

Zonke izinhlobo zobungane ziwusizo ngendlela yazo. Ezimweni ezinzima zokuphila, siphendukela embuthanweni omncane wabangane ukuze bathole usizo, abasinika okuthile esingenakukuthola ngisho nakumlingani noma izihlobo.

Ngothile ujabulile ukuya ekhonsathini noma esitolo ukuze nixoxe. Cela usizo kwabanye, kodwa ngombandela wokuthi uzobanikeza isevisi kamuva. Ungeza kubangani abavela ezinkundleni zokuxhumana ukuze uthole iseluleko (nakuba izibopho ezingokomzwelo nabo zingaqini kangako, kodwa laba bantu bangaphonsa umbono noma ukusiza ukubheka inkinga ngenye indlela).

Abangane basinika ukusekelwa ngokomzimba, ngokokuziphatha, ngokomzwelo lapho sikudinga, uCarmichael uyachaza. Ukholelwa ukuthi ubungane buyasivikela ethonyeni elibuhlungu izwe elisizungezile eliba nalo kithi ngezinye izikhathi. Kuyasiza ukukhumbula ukuthi singobani, ukuthola indawo yethu emhlabeni. Ngaphezu kwalokho, kukhona abantu okujabulisa kakhulu futhi kulula ngathi ukuxhumana, ukuhleka, ukudlala ezemidlalo noma ukubuka ifilimu.

Ngaphezu kwalokho, uCarmichael ukhomba izici ezimbi zobungane: abuhlali bunempilo futhi buhlala isikhathi eside. Ngezinye izikhathi izindlela zabangane abakhulu ziyahlukana, futhi labo esasibathemba bayasikhaphela. Ubungane bungaphela ngenxa yezizathu ezihlukahlukene. Kwesinye isikhathi kuwukungaqondi kahle, amadolobha ahlukene kanye namazwe, imibono ephikisanayo ngempilo, noma sivele sidlule lobu budlelwano.

Futhi nakuba lokhu kwenzeka ngaso sonke isikhathi, ukulahlekelwa abangane kubuhlungu: ukuhlukana kusenza sibe nesizungu. Futhi isizungu singenye yezinkinga ezinzima kakhulu zesikhathi sethu. Kuyingozi—mhlawumbe kuyingozi nakakhulu kunomdlavuza nokubhema. Yandisa ingozi yokuhlaselwa yinhliziyo, unhlangothi, ukuwohloka komqondo nokufa ngaphambi kwesikhathi.

Abanye bazizwa benesizungu ngisho nalapho bezungezwe abantu. Bazizwa sengathi ngeke bakwazi ukuba ngokwabo nanoma ubani. Kungakho ukulondoloza ubudlelwano obuseduze, obuthembekile kuyilungele impilo yakho.

Abangane abengeziwe - ingqondo eyengeziwe

Wake wazibuza ukuthi kungani abanye abantu benabangane abaningi kunabanye? Kungani abanye benendilinga enkulu yokuxhumana nabantu, kuyilapho abanye benqunyelwe kubangane abambalwa? Inani elikhulu lezici lithinta ikhono lokuxhumana nabantu, kodwa kukhona eyodwa emangazayo. Kuvela ukuthi inani labangane lincike kubukhulu be-amygdala, indawo encane efihliwe ekujuleni kobuchopho.

I-amygdala inesibopho sokusabela kwemizwelo, ukuthi sibona kanjani ukuthi ubani ongathandeki kithi, nokuthi singaxhumana nobani, ubani ongumngane wethu futhi oyisitha sethu. Zonke lezi yizici ezibaluleke kakhulu ekugcineni ubudlelwano bomphakathi.

Ukuze kusungulwe ubudlelwano phakathi kobukhulu be-amygdala nombuthano wabangane nabantu obajwayele, abacwaningi bafunde izinkundla zokuxhumana zabantu abadala abangama-60. Kwavela ukuthi inombolo yokuxhumana nomphakathi ihlobene ngokuqondile nobukhulu be-amygdala: inkulu, othintana nabo abaningi.

Kubalulekile ukuqaphela ukuthi ubukhulu be-amygdala abuthinti ikhwalithi yokuxhumana, ukusekelwa abantu abakutholayo, noma umuzwa wenjabulo. Kuhlala kuwumbuzo ongaphenduliwe ukuthi i-amygdala iyanda yini ohlelweni lokuxhumana noma ngabe umuntu uzalwa ne-amygdala enkulu bese enza abangane abaningi nabangane.

“Ngaphandle kwabangane, ngiyingcosana”

Ochwepheshe bayavuma ukuthi ukuxhumana nabantu kuhle empilweni. Abantu abadala abanabangane baphila isikhathi eside kunalabo abangenabo. Ubungane busivikela ekuhlaselweni yinhliziyo nasekuphazamisekeni kwengqondo.

Abacwaningi bahlaziye ukuziphatha kwentsha engaphezu kwe-15, abantu abasha, abantu abadala abaneminyaka ephakathi kanye nabantu abadala abadala abanikeze ulwazi ngenombolo kanye nekhwalithi yobudlelwano babo. Ikhwalithi yahlolwa ukuthi yiluphi uhlobo lokusekelwa komphakathi noma ukungezwani komphakathi abakuthola kumndeni, abangani, abangani kanye nabafunda nabo ekilasini, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi bazizwa benakekelwa, besizwa futhi beqondwa - noma begxekwa, becasukile futhi bengelutho.

Inombolo yayincike ekutheni ngabe basebudlelwaneni yini, ukuthi babona kangaki umndeni nabangane, ukuthi babezibheka njengemiphi imiphakathi. Abacwaningi babe sebehlola impilo yabo ngemva kweminyaka engu-4 neminyaka engu-15.

“Sithole ukuthi ukuxhumana nomphakathi kunomthelela empilweni, okusho ukuthi abantu kufanele babheke isondlo sabo ngokucophelela,” kusho omunye wababhali balolu cwaningo, uSolwazi Kathleen Harris. "Izikole namanyuvesi angakwazi ukubamba imisebenzi yabafundi abangakwazi ukuzijabulisa bodwa, futhi odokotela, lapho behlola, kufanele babuze iziguli imibuzo mayelana nobudlelwano bomphakathi."

Ngokungafani nezifundo ezincane nezindala, abantu abaneminyaka ephakathi nebanga elibanzi lokuxhumana nabantu babengenampilo kunontanga yabo abangahlalisana kangako nabo. Kubo, izinga lobudlelwano lalibaluleke kakhulu. Abantu abadala abangenakho ukusekelwa kwangempela bahlushwa ukuvuvukala nezifo kakhulu kunalabo abanobudlelwano obuseduze, obuthembekile nabangane nomndeni.

Elinye iphuzu elibalulekile: eminyakeni ehlukene sinezidingo zokuxhumana ezihlukene. Lesi isiphetho esafinyelelwa ababhali bocwaningo olwenziwe yiNyuvesi yaseRochester, olwaqala emuva ngo-1970. Lwahanjelwa abantu abangu-222. Bonke baphendule imibuzo mayelana nokuthi busondele kangakanani ubudlelwano babo nabanye nokuthi kungakanani ukuxhumana abanabo ngokujwayelekile. Ngemva kweminyaka engu-20, abacwaningi bafingqa imiphumela (khona-ke izifundo zase zingaphezu kwamashumi amahlanu).

“Akunandaba ukuthi unabangane abaningi noma waneliseke ngokuba nombono omncane, ukuxhumana eduze nalaba bantu kuyilungele impilo yakho,” kuphawula uCheryl Carmichael. Isizathu esenza izici ezithile zobungane zibaluleke kakhulu ebudaleni obuthile kanti obunye kwesinye ingoba imigomo yethu iyashintsha njengoba sikhula, kusho uCarmichael.

Lapho sisebasha, abantu abaningi abathintwayo basisiza ukuthi sifunde amakhono okuxhumana nabantu futhi siqonde kangcono ukuthi singakuphi emhlabeni. Kodwa lapho sesineminyaka engamashumi amathathu, isidingo sethu sokushintsha ukusondelana, asisadingi inani elikhulu labangane - kunalokho, sidinga abangani abaseduze abasiqondayo nabasisekelayo.

UCarmichael uphawula ukuthi ubudlelwano bomphakathi eneminyaka engamashumi amabili abubonakali ngaso sonke isikhathi ngokusondelana nokujula, kuyilapho kumashumi amathathu izinga lobudlelwano liyakhula.

Ubungane: umthetho wokukhanga

Ukuguquguquka kobungani kuseyimfihlakalo engaxazululeki. Njengothando, ubungane ngezinye izikhathi “buzenzakalela.”

Ucwaningo olusha lubonise ukuthi inqubo yokwakha ubungane iyinkimbinkimbi kakhulu kunalokho abantu abaningi abakucabangayo. Izazi zezokuhlalisana kwabantu nezazi zokusebenza kwengqondo ziye zazama ukuthola ukuthi yiziphi izinto eziheha abangane komunye nomunye nokuthi yini evumela ubungane bukhule bube ubungane beqiniso. Bahlole amaphethini okusondelana okwenzeka phakathi kwabangane futhi bahlonza “into” engaqondakali ebeka umngane esigabeni “esingcono”. Lokhu kusebenzisana kwenzeka emzuzwini owodwa, kodwa kujule kakhulu. Itholakala enhliziyweni yemvelo engaqondakali yobungane.

Ngena ngemvume endaweni yobungani

Eminyakeni embalwa edlule, abacwaningi baqala ukuthola ukuthi hlobo luni lobungane obukhona phakathi kwezakhamuzi zomuzi owodwa. Kwavela ukuthi izakhamuzi ezihlala ezitezi ezihloniphekile zenza ubungane nomakhelwane bazo kuphela phansi, kuyilapho wonke umuntu enza ubungane endlini yonke.

Ngokocwaningo, abangani kungenzeka kube yilabo abahlale bephambana: ozakwabo, ofunda nabo, noma labo abaya ejimini efanayo. Nokho, akuwona wonke elula kangaka.

Kungani sixoxa nomuntu oyedwa ovela ekilasini le-yoga, futhi singabingelele omunye? Impendulo ilula: sabelana ngezithakazelo ezifanayo. Kodwa akugcini lapho: ngesinye isikhathi, abantu ababili bayayeka ukuba abangane nje futhi babe abangane beqiniso.

“Ukushintsha ubungane bube ubungane kwenzeka lapho umuntu evulela omunye isifuba futhi ebheka ukuthi naye ukulungele yini ukuthulula isifuba kuye. Lena inqubo efanayo,” kusho isazi sezokuhlalisana kwabantu uBeverly Fehr. Ukubuyisana kuyisihluthulelo sobungani.

Abangani baphakade?

Uma ubungane buhlangene, uma abantu bevuleleka komunye nomunye, isinyathelo esilandelayo ukusondelana. NgokukaFer, abangani bobulili obufanayo bazizwa omunye nomunye ngendlela enembile, baqonde ukuthi yini omunye ayidingayo nokuthi yini anganikeza yona ngokubuyisela.

Usizo nokwesekwa okungenamibandela kuhambisana nokwamukela, ukuzinikela kanye nokwethenjwa. Abangane bahlale benathi, kodwa bayazi ukuthi umngcele akufanele weqe nini. Labo abahlala benombono mayelana nendlela yethu yokugqoka, mayelana nomlingani wethu noma izinto zokuzilibazisa cishe akunakwenzeka ukuhlala isikhathi eside.

Lapho umuntu emukela imithetho yomdlalo ngendlela enembile, ubungane naye buyajula futhi bucebe. Kodwa ikhono lokusekela ngokwezinto ezibonakalayo alikho nhlobo ohlwini lwezimfanelo zomngane weqiniso. Ubungane abukwazi ukuthengwa ngemali.

Isifiso sokupha ngaphezu kokwamukela sisenza sibe abangane abahle. Kukhona ngisho into enjengendida kaFranklin: umuntu osenzele okuthile maningi amathuba okuthi aphinde enze okuthile kunomuntu thina esimenzele inkonzo.

Isibani sami sesibuko, ngitshele: iqiniso ngabangane abakhulu

Ukusondelana kwakha isisekelo sobungani. Ngaphezu kwalokho, sixhumene nabangane abasondelene ngempela ngomuzwa wokuzibophezela: lapho umngane edinga ukukhuluma, sihlala sikulungele ukumlalela. Uma umngane edinga usizo, sizolahla konke futhi siphuthume kuye.

Kodwa, ngokusho kocwaningo lwezazi zokusebenza kwengqondo yezenhlalakahle uCarolyn Weiss noLisa Wood, kunenye ingxenye ehlanganisa abantu ndawonye: ukusekelwa komphakathi - lapho umngane esekela umuzwa wethu wokuzicabangela njengengxenye yeqembu, ubunikazi bethu bomphakathi (bungahlotshaniswa ne inkolo yethu, ubuhlanga, indima yezenhlalo) .

U-Weiss no-Wood babonise ukubaluleka kokugcina ubunikazi bomphakathi. Ngokwezifundo ezenziwa neqembu labafundi kusukela onyakeni wokuqala wokufunda kuze kube kowokugcina, ukusondelana phakathi kwabo kwakhula ngokuhamba kweminyaka.

Umngani omkhulu uvamise ukuba seqenjini lezokuxhumana elifanayo nelakho. Isibonelo, uma ungumdlali, umngane wakho kungenzeka ukuthi naye ungumsubathi.

Isifiso sethu sokuzibusa, isifiso sethu sokuba yingxenye yeqembu, sinamandla kangangokuthi singathinta ngisho nalabo abayimilutha yezidakamizwa. Uma umuntu ezizwa sengathi uyingxenye yeqembu elingezona izidakamizwa, maningi amathuba okuthi aziyeke. Uma indawo yakhe eyinhloko iyimilutha, khona-ke ukuqeda lesi sifo kuyoba nzima kakhulu.

Abaningi bethu bakhetha ukucabanga ukuthi sithanda abangane bethu ngalokho abayikho. Eqinisweni, asisiza ukuba sihlale siyilokho esiyikho.

Indlela yokugcina ubungane

Ngokukhula, ikhono lethu lokwenza abangane alishintshi neze, kodwa ukulondoloza ubungane kuba nzima: ngemva kokuphuma kwesikole nasekolishi, sinemithwalo yemfanelo nezinkinga eziningi kakhulu. Izingane, abashadile, abazali asebekhulile, umsebenzi, izinto zokuzilibazisa, ukuzilibazisa. Asikho isikhathi esanele sayo yonke into, kodwa kusadingeka usinike ukuze uxhumane nabangane.

Kodwa, uma sifuna ukulondoloza ubungane nothile, kuyodinga umsebenzi kithi. Nazi izici ezine ezisisiza ukuba sibe abangane isikhathi eside:

1. ukuvuleka;
2. ukuzimisela ukusekela;
3. isifiso sokuxhumana;
4. umbono omuhle emhlabeni.

Uma ugcina lezi zimfanelo ezine kuwe, uzogcina ubungane. Yiqiniso, lokhu akulula ukukwenza - kuzodinga umzamo othile - nokho ubungane njengensiza engapheli, njengomthombo wokusekela namandla kanye nesihluthulelo sokuzithola, kuwufanele.