Okuqukethwe
Inganekwane yokuthi ngamunye wethu unengxenye yesibili kanye nomlingani womphefumulo usenza siphuphe inkosana noma inkosazana ngokuphindaphindiwe. Futhi ukuhlangabezana nokudumala. Ukuyofuna okuhle, ubani esifuna ukuhlangana naye? Futhi ingabe lokhu kudingekile?
U-Plato uqala ukukhuluma ngezidalwa zasendulo ezazihlanganisa izimiso zabesilisa nabesifazane kuzona futhi ngenxa yalokho ziyavumelana enkulumweni ethi “Idili”. Onkulunkulu abanonya, bebona ukuvumelana kwabo njengosongo emandleni abo, bahlukanisa abesifazane namadoda aneshwa—abazolahlwa kusukela ngaleso sikhathi kuqhubeke ukuba bafune umngane wabo wokuphila ukuze babuyisele ubuqotho babo bangaphambili. Indaba elula impela. Kodwa ngisho nangemva kweminyaka eyizinkulungwane ezimbili nengxenye, ayikalahlekelwa ukukhanga kwayo ngathi. Izinganekwane nezinganekwane zondla lo mbono womlingani ofanelekayo: isibonelo, inkosana ye-Snow White noma i-Cinderella, okuthi, ngokuqabula noma ukunakwa kwesisa, ibuyisele impilo nesithunzi kowesifazane olele noma into empofu e-tatters. Kunzima ukuqeda lezi zinhlelo, kodwa mhlawumbe kufanele ziqondwe ngendlela ehlukile.
Sifuna ukuhlangabezana nezithelo zemicabango yethu
USigmund Freud wayengowokuqala ukuphakamisa ukuthi lapho sifuna umlingani ofanelekayo, sihlangana kuphela nalabo asebevele bekhona ekuqulekeni kwethu. “Ukuthola into yothando ekugcineni kusho ukuphinde uyithole” - mhlawumbe lena yindlela umthetho wokuheha abantu ongamiswa ngayo. Ngendlela, uMarcel Proust wayesho into efanayo lapho ethi okokuqala sidweba umuntu emcabangweni wethu bese kuphela lapho sihlangana naye empilweni yangempela. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uTatyana Alavidze siyachaza: “Umngane wethu uyasikhanga ngoba isithombe sakhe besilokhu sihlala ngaphakathi kwethu kusukela ebuntwaneni, yingakho inkosana noma inkosazana enhle umuntu osekuyisikhathi eside simlindile futhi “siyamazi.” Kuphi?
Sikhangwa ikakhulukazi labo abanezici zobudoda nezowesifazane.
Iphupho elihle lobudlelwane, elingafingqwa ngokuthi «umvuzo ongu-100%, ukungqubuzana okungu-0%,» kusibuyisela ezigabeni zokuqala zokuphila lapho usana lubona njengomuntu omdala olungile nongenasici njengomuntu omdala omnakekelayo, okungukuthi, ngokuvamile umama. Ngesikhathi esifanayo, iphupho lobuhlobo obunjalo libonakala lizwakala kakhulu kwabesifazane. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uHélène Vecchiali sithi: “Banqotshwa yikho kaningi ngenxa yokuthi banesifiso sokuquleka sokuphindwaphindwa. — Kumelwe sivume: kungakhathaliseki ukuthi indoda inothando kangakanani, ayimbheki neze owesifazane onalolo thando olukhulu umama abuka ngalo usana olusanda kuzalwa. Futhi ngisho noma lokhu ngokusobala akunjalo, owesifazane usakholelwa ngokungazi ukuthi uphansi. Ngenxa yalokho, yindoda ekahle kuphela engakwazi ukumenzela “ubuncane” bakhe, okuphelela kwakhe “okuqinisekisa” ukuphelela kuye. Lo mlingani ofanelekayo, ofaneleka ngokuphelele ungumuntu ozobonisa ukuthi ufiseleka kulokho ayikho.
Sikhetha umumo womzali
Isibalo sikababa sibaluleke kakhulu kowesifazane equlekile. Ingabe lokhu kusho ukuthi umngane womshado ofanelekayo kufanele afane noyise? Akudingekile. Ngokombono we-psychoanalysis ebudlelwaneni obukhulile, sihlobanisa uzakwethu nezithombe zabazali — kodwa ngophawu lokuhlanganisa noma uphawu lokususa. Usikhanga kakhulu ngoba izimfanelo zakhe zifana (noma, ngokuphambene, ziphika) umfanekiso kababa noma umama. "Ku-psychoanalysis, lokhu kukhetha kubizwa ngokuthi "ukusesha i-Oedipus," kusho uTatyana Alavidze. - Ngaphezu kwalokho, ngisho noma sizama ngokuqaphela ukukhetha "ongeyena umzali" - owesifazane ongafani nomama wakhe, indoda engafani noyise, lokhu kusho ukuhambisana kokungqubuzana kwangaphakathi kanye nesifiso sokuyixazulula "ngokuphambene nalokho". Umuzwa wokulondeka wengane ngokuvamile uhlotshaniswa nesithombe sikamama, esingavezwa ngomfanekiso womlingani omkhulu, ogcwele. UTatyana Alavidze uthi: “Indoda ezacile enababhangqwana abanjalo ivame ukulwela “umama oncelisayo”, obonakala sengathi “imunca” kuye futhi imvikele, kusho uTatyana Alavidze. “Kuyafana nakumuntu wesifazane othanda amadoda amakhulu.”
“Sikhangwa ikakhulukazi labo abanezici zowesilisa nowesifazane,” kuphawula isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esihlaziya ingqondo uSvetlana Fedorova. - Ukubona kokubili ukubonakaliswa kwabesilisa nabesifazane, siqagela kumuntu ofana nobaba wethu, bese kuba kumama wethu. Lokhu kusibuyisela embonweni wakuqala wobulili obubili, obuhlotshaniswa nomuzwa wokuba usana olunamandla onke.”
Sekukonke, nokho, kungaba ubuwula ukucabanga ukuthi "sibeka" kubalingani bethu ukubukeka kwabazali bethu. Eqinisweni, isithombe sabo asihambisani nobaba noma umama wangempela, kodwa naleyo mibono engazi lutho mayelana nabazali esiyihlakulela ebuntwaneni obujulile.
Sifuna ukuqagela kwethu okuhlukile
Ingabe sinezidingo ezijwayelekile zenkosazana enhle noma inkosazana? Yebo, kufanele zikhange, kodwa umqondo wokukhanga uyahlukahluka kusukela ekhulwini kuya ekhulwini futhi kusukela kumasiko kuya kwamasiko. "Ukukhetha "okuningi kakhulu", sisebenzisa imibono efihliwe ngathi ngokwethu, siyifake entweni yokukhonzwa," kuchaza uSvetlana Fedorova. Kuphakathi kokuthi sibeka kokuhle kwethu ukufaneleka nobubi thina ngokwethu esinikezwe bona, noma, ngokuphambene nalokho, kuhlanganisa lokho (njengoba sicabanga) esikuntulayo. Ngokwesibonelo, ngokunganaki ezibheka njengesiwula futhi engenangqondo, owesifazane uzothola umlingani ozobonisa ukuhlakanipha nekhono lokumenzela izinqumo zabantu abadala - futhi ngaleyo ndlela amenze abe nomthwalo wemfanelo kuye ngokwakhe, ongenakuzisiza futhi ongenakuzivikela.
Amaphupho enkosana enhle noma umlingani womphefumulo asivimbela ekukhuleni
Singakwazi futhi "ukudlulisela" komunye lezo zimfanelo esingazithandi kithi - kulokhu, umlingani uhlala engumuntu obuthakathaka kunathi, onezinkinga ezifanayo nathi, kodwa ngendlela evelele kakhulu. . Ku-psychoanalysis, leli qhinga libizwa ngokuthi "i-exchange of dissociations" - lisivumela ukuba singaqapheli ukushiyeka kwethu, kuyilapho umlingani eba umphathi wazo zonke lezo zakhiwo esingazithandi kithi. Ake sithi, ukuze afihle ukwesaba kwakhe isenzo, owesifazane angathandana namadoda abuthakathaka, angenangqondo aphethwe ukucindezeleka.
Esinye isici esibalulekile sokukhanga inhlanganisela yobuhle kanye nezici ezingajwayelekile, ezibukhali, ngisho nezimbi ngokubukeka. "Ubuhle bethu buhlanganisa ngokomfanekiso imvelo yokuphila, futhi ukukhanga kokungalungile, izici ezimbi kuhlotshaniswa nomuzwa wokufa," kuchaza uSvetlana Fedorova. - Lezi zimo ezimbili ziyizingxenye eziyinhloko zokungazi kwethu futhi zixhumene eduze. Lapho zihlanganiswa ezicini zomuntu oyedwa, ngokuxakayo, lokhu kumenza athandeke ngokukhethekile. Ngokwazo, izici ezingalungile ziyasethusa, kodwa lapho zivuswa amandla okuphila, lokhu akugcini nje ngokusibuyisana nazo, kodwa futhi kuzigcwalisa ngobuhle.
Kufanele singcwabe i-infantile ideal
Ukufana nozakwethu ngokwesiko kubhekwa njengenye yezindlela ezibaluleke kakhulu zokuhlanganiswa okuhle kwama-"halves". Akukhona nje kuphela ukufana kwezici zomlingiswa, kodwa nokuthandwa okuvamile, izindinganiso ezivamile, cishe izinga elifanayo lamasiko kanye nombuthano womphakathi - konke lokhu kunomthelela ekusungulweni kobudlelwane. Kodwa lokhu akwanele kochwepheshe bezengqondo. “Kumele nakanjani sithande nokuhlukana kozakwethu. Ngokusobala, lena ngokuvamile ukuphela kwendlela yobudlelwano obuvumelanayo,” kusho uHelen Vecchiali.
Ukuhlala nomuntu esimkhiphile esisekelweni, okungukuthi, sesidlule esigabeni sokwamukela ukushiyeka, izinhlangothi zethunzi (ezitholakala kuye nakithina), kusho ukungcwaba "ingane" ekahle yomlingani. Futhi ukuze ekugcineni uthole umlingani ophelele womuntu omdala. Kunzima ngowesifazane ukukholelwa othandweni olunjalo - uthando olungavali amaphutha, engafuni ukuzifihla, uHelen Vecchiali uyakholelwa. Ukholelwa ukuthi abesifazane kufanele badlule ekuthwaseni - ukuthola futhi ekugcineni babone ukugcwala kwabo, bengalindeli ukuthi kuzolethwa umlingani ofanele. Ngamanye amazwi, hlehlisa imbangela nomphumela. Mhlawumbe lokhu kunengqondo: ngaphandle kokuthola ukuvumelana ebuhlotsheni nawe, kunzima ukuthembela kukho ngokubambisana. Awukwazi ukwakha umbhangqwana oqinile, ucabange ukuthi awufaneleki ukwakha itshe. Futhi umlingani (itshe elifanayo elingenamsebenzi) ngeke lisize lapha.
“Kubalulekile ukuyeka ukukholelwa ukuthi umlingani ofanelekayo “uyafana nami” noma othile ongiphelelisayo., kugcizelela uHelen Vecchiali. - Yiqiniso, ukuze ukukhangwa kombhangqwana kungafi, kuyadingeka ukuthi kube khona ukufana. Kodwa ngaphezu kwalokho, kufanele kube khona umehluko. Futhi lokho kubaluleke nakakhulu.” Ukholelwa ukuthi sekuyisikhathi sokubheka kabusha indaba "yamahhafu amabili". Amaphupho enkosana enhle noma umlingani womphefumulo uyasivimbela ekuthuthukeni ngoba asekelwe embonweni wokuthi ngingumuntu ophansi ekufuneni «lokho okwake kwaba khona», okwaziwayo nokujwayelekile. Umuntu kufanele athembe umhlangano wezidalwa ezimbili ezigcwele ngokugcwele, eziphenduke ngokuphelele hhayi emuva, kodwa phambili. Yibo kuphela abangakha inyunyana entsha yabantu ababili. Inyunyana enjalo, lapho okungebona ababili abakha eyodwa ephelele, kodwa eyodwa neyodwa, ngayinye iphelele ngokwayo, yakha abathathu: ngokwabo kanye nomphakathi wabo nekusasa elingapheli eligcwele amathuba ajabulisayo.