Okuqukethwe
Uthando lusinikeza ukuphakanyiswa okungokomoya okungakaze kubonwe futhi lumboze umhlaba ngobusi obumnandi, lujabulisa umcabango - futhi lukuvumela ukuthi uzwe ukushaya ngamandla kwempilo. Ukuthandwa yisimo sokuphila. Ngoba uthando aluwona nje umuzwa. Futhi kuyisidingo sebhayoloji, kusho isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uTatyana Gorbolskaya kanye nesazi sokusebenza kwengqondo somndeni u-Alexander Chernikov.
Kusobala ukuthi ingane ngeke iphile ngaphandle kothando nokunakekelwa kwabazali futhi iphendule ngothando oluvuthayo. Kodwa kuthiwani ngabantu abadala?
Ngokudabukisayo, isikhathi eside (kuze kube cishe ngawo-1980) kwakukholelwa ukuthi, ngokufanelekile, umuntu omdala uyakwazi ukuzimela. Futhi labo ababefuna ukutotoswa, ukududuzwa nokulalelwa babebizwa “ngama-codependents.” Kodwa izimo zengqondo zishintshile.
Ukulutha okusebenzayo
“Cabanga ngomuntu ovalekile, odangele eduze kwakho,” kusikisela isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esigxile ngokomzwelo uTatyana Gorbolskaya, “futhi cishe ngeke ufune ukumamatheka. Manje ake ucabange ukuthi uthole umngane womshado, ozizwa ujabule naye, okuqondayo ... Isimo sengqondo esihluke ngokuphelele, akunjalo? Lapho sesikhulile, sidinga ubuhlobo obuseduze nomunye umuntu njengoba nje sasibudinga ebuntwaneni!”
Ngawo-1950, isazi se-psychoanalyst esiyiNgisi uJohn Bowlby sakha ithiyori yokunamathisela esekelwe ekuqaphelisweni kwezingane. Kamuva, ezinye izazi zokusebenza kwengqondo zathuthukisa imibono yakhe, zithola ukuthi abantu abadala nabo banesidingo sokunamathela. Uthando lusezakhini zethu zofuzo, hhayi ngoba kufanele sizalane: kungenzeka ngaphandle kothando.
Kodwa kuyadingeka ukuze usinde. Uma sithandwa, sizizwa siphephile, sibhekana kangcono nokwehluleka futhi siqinise ama-algorithms wezimpumelelo. UJohn Bowlby wakhuluma “ngokulutheka okusebenzayo”: ikhono lokufuna nokwamukela ukusekelwa ngokomzwelo. Uthando lungabuyisela ubuqotho kithi.
Ukwazi ukuthi othandekayo uzosabela esicelweni sosizo, sizizwa sizolile futhi sizethemba kakhudlwana.
“Izingane ngokuvamile zidela ingxenye yazo ukuze zijabulise abazali bazo,” kuchaza u-Alexander Chernikov, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo somkhaya esihlelekile, “ziyazenqabela ukukhononda uma umzali ekwazisa ukuqina, noma encika ukuze umzali azizwe edingeka. Njengabantu abadala, sikhetha njengozakwethu othile ozosisiza siphinde sithole le ngxenye elahlekile. Isibonelo, ukwamukela ukuba sengozini kwakho noma ukuzethemba ngokwengeziwe.”
Ubudlelwano obuseduze buthuthukisa impilo ngokoqobo. Abangashadile banamathuba amaningi okuba nomfutho wegazi ophakeme futhi babe namazinga omfutho wegazi aphindwe kabili ingozi yabo yokuhlaselwa yinhliziyo nokushaywa unhlangothi1.
Kodwa ubudlelwano obubi bubi njengokungabi nabo. Abayeni abangaluzwa uthando lwabashade nabo bathambekele ku-angina pectoris. Amakhosikazi angathandwa maningi amathuba okuba aphathwe umfutho wegazi ophakeme kunalabo abashadile abajabulayo. Lapho othandekayo engenandaba nathi, sibheka lokhu njengosongo ekusindeni.
Unami?
Izingxabano zenzeka kuleyo mibhangqwana lapho abalingani benesithakazelo esikhulu komunye nomunye, nakulezo lapho isithakazelo sobabili sesivele siphelile. Lapha nalaphaya, ukuxabana kudala ukungezwani nokwesaba ukulahlekelwa. Kodwa kukhona futhi umehluko! "Labo abazethembayo emandleni obudlelwane babuyiselwa kalula," kugcizelela uTatyana Gorbolskaya. "Kepha labo abangabaza amandla okuxhumana bawela ngokushesha ethukile."
Ukwesaba ukushiywa kusenza sisabele ngenye yezindlela ezimbili. Okokuqala ukusondela ngokuqinile kumlingani, ukunamathela kuye noma ukuhlasela (ukumemeza, ukufuna, "ukuvutha ngomlilo") ukuze uthole impendulo esheshayo, isiqinisekiso sokuthi uxhumano lusaphila. Okwesibili wukuqhela kumlingani wakho, uzihlukanise nawe bese uqhwanda, unqamule imizwa yakho ukuze uhlupheke kancane. Zombili lezi zindlela zikhulisa ukungqubuzana kuphela.
Kodwa ngokuvamile ufuna ukuthi othandekayo wakho abuyisele ukuthula kithi, esiqinisekisa ngothando lwakhe, ukugona, ukusho okuthile okujabulisayo. Kodwa bangaki abanesibindi sokugona udrako ophefumula umlilo noma isithombe seqhwa? "Kungakho, ekuqeqesheni imibhangqwana, izazi zokusebenza kwengqondo zisiza abalingani bafunde ukuziveza ngendlela ehlukile futhi bangaphenduli ekuziphatheni, kodwa kulokho okumi ngemuva kwayo: isidingo esijulile sokusondelana," kusho uTatyana Gorbolskaya. Lona akuwona umsebenzi olula, kodwa umdlalo uwufanele ikhandlela!
Ngemva kokufunda ukuqondana, abalingani bakhe isibopho esiqinile esingamelana nezinsongo zangaphandle nezangaphakathi. Uma umbuzo wethu (ngesinye isikhathi ungakhulumi ngokuzwakalayo) kozakwethu uthi “Ingabe unami?” - njalo uthola impendulo "yebo", kulula ngathi ukukhuluma ngezifiso zethu, ukwesaba, amathemba. Ukwazi ukuthi othandekayo uzosabela esicelweni sosizo, sizizwa sizolile futhi sizethemba kakhudlwana.
Isipho sami esihle kakhulu
“Besihlale sixabana, umyeni wami ubethi akakwazi ukumelana nokumemeza. Futhi angathanda ukuba ngimnike imizuzu emihlanu yesikhathi sokuphumula uma kwenzeka kube nokungavumelani, ngokwesicelo sakhe,” kusho uTamara oneminyaka engu-36 ubudala mayelana nokuhlangenwe nakho kwakhe ekwelapheni komkhaya. - Ngiyamemeza? Ngazizwa sengathi angikaze ngiphakamise izwi lami! Kodwa noma kunjalo, nganquma ukuzama.
Cishe ngemva kwesonto, phakathi nengxoxo eyayingashubi neze kimi, umyeni wami wathi wayezophuma isikhashana. Ekuqaleni, ngangifuna ukuba nomkhuba wokucasuka, kodwa ngakhumbula isithembiso sami.
Wahamba, futhi ngezwa ngihlaselwa ukwesaba. Kimina kwabonakala sengathi wangishiya unomphela. Ngangifuna ukumgijimisa, kodwa ngazibamba. Ngemva kwemizuzu emihlanu wabuya wathi usekulungele ukungilalela. UTamara ubiza “impumuzo yendawo yonke” umuzwa owawumubambe ngaleso sikhathi.
"Lokho umlingani akucelayo kungase kubonakale kungavamile, kuwubuwula noma kungenakwenzeka," kuphawula u-Alexander Chernikov. “Kepha uma senza lokhu, nakuba singathandi, asisizi omunye kuphela, kodwa sibuyisela nenxenye yethu elahlekile. Kodwa-ke, lesi senzo kufanele sibe isipho: akunakwenzeka ukuvumelana ngokuhwebelana, ngoba ingxenye yengane yobuntu bethu ayamukeli ubudlelwane benkontileka.2.
Ukwelashwa kwezithandani kuhlose ukusiza wonke umuntu azi ukuthi luyini ulimi lwakhe lothando nokuthi umlingani wakhe unani.
Isipho asisho ukuthi umlingani kufanele aqagele yonke into ngokwakhe. Lokhu kusho ukuthi ufika asihlangabeze ngokuzithandela, ngokuzithandela kwakhe, ngamanye amazwi, ngenxa yothando ngathi.
Okuxakayo ukuthi abantu abadala abaningi bayesaba ukukhuluma ngalokho abakudingayo. Izizathu zihlukile: ukwesaba ukwenqatshwa, isifiso sokufanisa isithombe seqhawe elingenazo izidingo (okungabhekwa njengobuthakathaka), noma ukumane nje ukungazi lutho ngabo.
"I-Psychotherapy yemibhangqwana ibeka omunye wemisebenzi yokusiza wonke umuntu ukuthi athole ukuthi luyini ulimi lwabo lothando nokuthi umlingani wakhe unani, ngoba lokhu kungase kungafani," kusho uTatyana Gorbolskaya. - Futhi-ke wonke umuntu kusafanele afunde ukukhuluma ulimi lomunye, futhi lokhu akulula ngaso sonke isikhathi.
Nganginababili kwezokwelashwa: ulambele kakhulu ukuthintana ngokomzimba, futhi ugcwele uthando lukamama futhi ugwema noma yikuphi ukuthinta ngaphandle kocansi. Into esemqoka lapha ukubekezela nokulungela ukuhlangana phakathi nendawo.” Ungagxeki futhi ufune, kodwa buza futhi uqaphele impumelelo.
shintsha futhi ushintshe
Ubudlelwano bezothando buyinhlanganisela yokunamathela okuphephile kanye nobulili. Phela, ukusondelana kwenyama kubonakala ngengozi nokuvuleleka, okungenakwenzeka ekuxhumaneni okukha phezulu. Ozakwethu abaxhunywe ubudlelwano obuqinile nobuthembekile bazwela kakhulu futhi basabela ezidingweni zomunye nomunye zokunakekelwa.
“Sikhetha ngokuzenzakalelayo njengabangane bethu lowo oqagela izindawo zethu ezibuhlungu. Angenza kube buhlungu nakakhulu, noma angamphulukisa, njengoba nje senza, - amanothi kaTatyana Gorbolskaya. Konke kuncike ekuzweleni nasekuthembekeni. Akukona konke okunamathiselwe okuphephile kusukela ekuqaleni. Kodwa kungadalwa uma ozakwethu benenhloso enjalo.”
Ukuze sakhe ubuhlobo obuseduze obuhlala njalo, kumelwe sikwazi ukubona izidingo nezifiso zethu ezingaphakathi. Futhi uyiguqule ibe yimiyalezo lowo othandekayo angayiqonda futhi akwazi ukuyiphendula. Kuthiwani uma konke kuhamba kahle?
“Sishintsha nsuku zonke, njengozakwethu,” kuphawula u-Alexander Chernikov, “ngakho ubudlelwano nabo bukhula njalo. Ubudlelwano buyindalo eqhubekayo.” wonke umuntu anesandla kuzo.
Siyabadinga abantu esibathandayo
Ngaphandle kokukhulumisana nabo, impilo engokomzwelo nengokomzimba iyawohloka, ikakhulukazi ebuntwaneni nasekugugeni. Igama elithi "hospitalism", elethulwa yi-American psychoanalyst uRene Spitz ngawo-1940, libonisa ukukhubazeka kwengqondo nomzimba ezinganeni hhayi ngenxa yezilonda eziphilayo, kodwa ngenxa yokuntuleka kokuxhumana. Isibhedlela siyabonwa nakubantu abadala - ngokuhlala isikhathi eside ezibhedlela, ikakhulukazi ebudaleni. Kukhona idatha1 ukuthi ngemva kokulaliswa esibhedlela kubantu asebekhulile, inkumbulo iwohloka ngokushesha futhi ukucabanga kuphazamiseka kunangaphambi kwalesi senzakalo.
1 UWilson RS et al. Ukuncipha kwengqondo ngemva kokulaliswa esibhedlela emphakathini wabantu asebekhulile. Ijenali ye-Neurology, 2012. Mashi 21.
1 Ngokusekelwe ocwaningweni luka-Louise Hawkley we-Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience. Lesi kanye sonke lesi sahluko sithathwe encwadini ka-Sue Johnson ethi Hold Me Tight (Mann, Ivanov, and Ferber, 2018).
2 I-Harville Hendrix, Indlela Yokuthola Uthando Olufunayo (Kron-Press, 1999).