Kusukela ebuntwaneni, sifundiswa ukuthi kumelwe sicele intethelelo ngokuziphatha okubi, ohlakaniphile aphenduke kuqala, futhi ukuvuma izono ngobuqotho kunciphisa umuzwa wecala. Uprofesa wezengqondo uLeon Seltzer uyaziphikisa lezi zinkolelo futhi uyaxwayisa ngokuthi ngaphambi kokuba uxolise, cabangela imiphumela engase ibe khona.
Ikhono lokucela intethelelo ngezenzo ezingafaneleki libhekwa njengobuhle kusukela kudala. Eqinisweni, okuqukethwe kuzo zonke izincwadi ezikhuluma ngalesi sihloko kuncike ekutheni kusiza kanjani ukuxolisa nokuthi ukwenze kanjani ngobuqotho.
Nokho, muva nje abanye ababhali bebekhuluma ngobubi bokuxolisa. Ngaphambi kokuthi uvume icala lakho, udinga ukucabanga ngokuthi lokhu kungahamba kanjani - kithi, abangani bethu noma ubudlelwano esibuzisa kakhulu.
Ekhuluma ngomthwalo wemfanelo wamaphutha ekusebenzisaneni kwebhizinisi, umlobi wengosi yebhizinisi uKim Durant uphawula ukuthi ukuxolisa okubhaliwe kubonisa inkampani njengethembekile, enezimiso zokuziphatha nokuhle, futhi ngokuvamile kubonisa izimiso zayo. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uHarriet Lerner sithi amagama athi “Ngiyaxolisa” anamandla okuphulukisa anamandla. Owaphimisayo wenza isipho esiyigugu hhayi kuphela kumuntu amcasulile, kodwa nakuyena. Ukuphenduka okuqotho kunezela ukuzihlonipha futhi kukhuluma ngekhono lokuhlola izenzo zabo ngobuqotho, uyagcizelela.
Ngenxa yakho konke lokhu, konke okushiwo ngezansi kuzozwakala kungenangqondo, futhi mhlawumbe nokugxeka. Nokho, ukukholelwa ngaphandle kwemibandela ukuthi ukuxolisa kuhlale kuzuzisa wonke umuntu kuyiphutha elikhulu. Empeleni akunjalo.
Ziningi izibonelo lapho ukuvuma icala kucekela phansi isithunzi
Ukube umhlaba ubuphelele, bekungeke kube nengozi ekuxoliseni. Futhi besingeke sibe khona isidingo sabo, ngoba wonke umuntu ubezokwenza ngamabomu, ngobuhlakani nangobuntu. Akekho owayezolungisa izinto, futhi sasingeke sibe khona isidingo sokuhlawulela icala. Kodwa siphila eqinisweni lapho iqiniso nje lokuxolisa lingasho ukuthi ukuzimisela ukuziphendulela ngamaphutha akhe kuzoqinisekisa umphumela ophumelelayo wesimo.
Ngokwesibonelo, lapho uphenduka ngobuqotho, uzama ukuchaza ukuthi wawudelela kangakanani noma wenze ngobugovu kangakanani, ungafuni ukucasula noma ukucasula muntu, akufanele ulindele ukuthethelelwa ngokushesha. Mhlawumbe umuntu akakakulungeli lokhu. Njengoba ababhali abaningi bephawulile, kuthatha isikhathi ngomuntu ocasukile ukuba acabange kabusha isimo futhi axole.
Singakhohlwa ngabantu abahlukaniswa ngobuhlungu nokuphindisela. Ngokushesha banomuzwa wokuthi lowo ovuma icala uba sengozini kangakanani, futhi kunzima ukumelana nesilingo esinjalo. Amathuba okuthi bazosebenzisa okushoyo ngokumelene nawe.
Njengoba becabanga ngempela ukuthi bathole “i-carte blanche” ukuze baziphindiselele ngokugcwele, bayaziphindiselela ngaphandle kokungabaza, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi amazwi noma izenzo zothile zibalimaze kangakanani. Ngaphezu kwalokho, uma ukuzisola kushiwo ngokubhala, nezincazelo eziqondile zokuthi kungani uzizwe kudingekile ukuba ulungise, banobufakazi obungenakuphikwa ezandleni zabo obungaqondiswa kuwe. Isibonelo, ukwabelana nabangani bakho bese uhlambalaza igama lakho elihle.
Kuyaxaka ukuthi ziningi izibonelo emlandweni lapho ukuvuma icala konakalisa isithunzi. Kuyadabukisa, uma kungeyona into edabukisayo, ukuthi ukwethembeka ngokweqile nokungabi nangqondo kuye konakalisa isimilo esingaphezu kwesisodwa.
Cabanga ngenkulumo evamile futhi egxeka kakhulu: "Asikho isenzo esihle esingajeziswa." Lapho sinomusa kumakhelwane wethu, kunzima ukucabanga ukuthi umakhelwane wethu ngeke abuyele kithi.
Noma kunjalo, wonke umuntu ngokuqinisekile uzokwazi ukukhumbula ukuthi, naphezu kokwesaba nokungabaza, wathatha umthwalo wamaphutha, kodwa wagijima ekuthukutheleni nasekungaqondini.
Wake wavuma yini uhlobo oluthile lokungaziphathi kahle, kodwa omunye umuntu (ngokwesibonelo, umngane wakho womshado) akakwazanga ukwazisa isifiso sakho futhi wamane wafaka uphethiloli emlilweni futhi wazama ukulimaza kabuhlungu? Kwake kwenzeka yini ukuthi ekuphenduleni wena wanqwabelanisa isichotho senhlamba futhi wabala zonke «imigilingwane yakho embi»? Mhlawumbe ukukhuthazela kwakho kungase kube nomona, kodwa cishe ngesikhathi esithile waqala ukuzivikela. Noma - ukudambisa ingcindezi futhi babambe ukuhlasela - bahlasele ngokuphendula. Akunzima ukuqagela ukuthi noma yikuphi kwalokhu kusabela kwenze isimo obunethemba lokusixazulula sibe sibi kakhulu.
Lapha, enye inzuzo ekhohlisayo iyacela: "ukungazi kuhle." Ukuxolisa kwabakubona kuwubuthakathaka kuwukuzilimaza wena. Ngamanye amazwi, ukuvuma izono ngokunganaki kuyingozi yokuyekethisa futhi uze uzibeke icala. Abaningi bazisola kakhulu ngokuthi babephendukile futhi bazifaka engozini.
Ngezinye izikhathi asixolisi ngoba sinephutha, kodwa ngenxa yesifiso sokugcina ukuthula. Kodwa-ke, ngomzuzu olandelayo kungase kube nesizathu esinzima sokuphikelela futhi unikeze isitha esiqinile.
Ukuxolisa kubalulekile, kodwa kubalulekile ngokufanayo ukukwenza ngokukhetha.
Ngaphandle kwalokho, njengoba sishilo ukuthi sinecala, akusizi ukwenqaba amazwi ethu futhi sifakazele okuphambene. Phela, singalahlwa kalula ngamanga nobuzenzisi. Kuvele ukuthi sidicilela phansi isithunzi sethu singahlosile. Ukuyilahla kulula, kodwa ukuyibuyisela kunzima kakhulu.
Omunye wabahlanganyeli engxoxweni ye-Internet ekhuluma ngalesi sihloko waveza umqondo othakazelisayo, nakuba ophikisanayo: “Ukuvuma ukuthi uzizwa unecala, ubonisa ubuthakathaka bakho obungokomzwelo, ukuthi abantu abangenasimilo bakusebenzisa ngendlela ekulimazayo, futhi ngendlela yokuthi ngeke ukwazi ukuphikisa, ngoba wena ngokwakho ukholelwa ukuthi ukutholile obekufanele. Okusibuyisela emushweni othi "akukho senzo esihle esingajeziswa."
Indlela yokuxolisa ngaso sonke isikhathi iholela kweminye imiphumela emibi:
- Kuqeda ukuzethemba: kuncisha ukholo ekuziphatheni komuntu siqu, ekuhloniphekeni nasekuphaneni okuqotho futhi kukwenza ungabaze amakhono akho.
- Abantu abaseduze nabo bayayeka ukuhlonipha lowo ocela intethelelo ngaso sonke isikhathi: kusukela ngaphandle kuzwakala kungenangqondo, kudabukisayo, kuzenzisa futhi ekugcineni kuqala ukucasula, njengokukhala okuqhubekayo.
Mhlawumbe kuneziphetho ezimbili okufanele zifinyelelwe lapha. Yebo, kubalulekile ukuxolisa - kokubili ngezizathu zokuziphatha kanye nezingokoqobo. Kodwa kubalulekile ngokufanayo ukukwenza ngokukhetha nangokuhlakanipha. "Ngithethelele" akukhona nje ukuphulukisa, kodwa futhi amazwi ayingozi kakhulu.
Mayelana Nochwepheshe: U-Leon Seltzer, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo emitholampilo, uprofesa eNyuvesi yaseCleveland, umbhali we-Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy kanye ne-Melville ne-Conrad Concepts.