Okuqukethwe
Abesifazane abaningi bakhononda ngokuthi ukuhlangana nomuntu obalulekile endaweni yokuphola kunzima kakhulu: iningi lamadoda abhalisa lapho lidinga into eyodwa kuphela - ubulili ngaphandle kwezibopho. Kodwa ingabe kunjalo ngempela?
Ingabe amadoda afuna ucansi kuphela?
Ngenkathi sisebenza kule ncwadi, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo u-Ann Hastings, ngenjongo yokuhlolwa, sabhalisa kwenye yezindawo zokuphola, iningi labasebenzisi abashadile. Okuhlangenwe nakho kwakhe kuphikisa kakhulu inkolelo evamile yokuthi amadoda eza lapho ezocansi kuphela.
U-Ann wamangala lapho ethola cishe ngokushesha ukuthi iningi lamadoda kusayithi ayelikhethile lalithanda kakhulu ezothando kunobulili. “Abaningi balabo engangikhuluma nabo, babelangazelela izimpawu zokusondelana komuntu: lapho othile elinde imiyalezo yakho, ezibuza ukuthi usuku lwakho luhambe kanjani, futhi ekubhalela amazwi athambileyo ekuphenduleni,” usho kanje.
Abanye abazange balwele ngisho nomhlangano womuntu siqu nomkhulumeli.
Babekuthanda ukuzwa ukusondelana nokuba ngabangane, nakuba kwakusekelwe ephusheni ngomuntu ababengamazi eqinisweni.
“Ingabe amadoda angithumele izithombe zezitho zawo zomzimba ezinqunu? Okungukuthi, ingabe benza lokho abesifazane abavame ukukhononda ngakho? Yebo, abanye bathumele, kodwa ngokushesha lapho bethola ukuphawula okuthophayo bephendula, kusobala ukuthi kwabaqinisekisa, futhi asizange sibuyele kulesi sihloko futhi, ”kuvuma udokotela wezengqondo.
Ufuna ukusondelana
Lapho isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo sibuza amadoda ukuthi kungani edinga umuntu omusha, abanye bavuma ukuthi kwase kuyisikhathi eside bengalali nomkabo. Nokho, lokhu kwakuwumphumela ngokusobala, hhayi isizathu sokubhaliswa kwabo kusayithi. Abaningi babengazizwa bethandwa, kodwa babengajahile ukudivosa, ngokuyinhloko ngenxa yezingane nezibopho zomkhaya.
Omunye wabangane abasha baka-Ann wazama ukulondoloza ubuhlobo ngemva kokukhashelwa umkakhe, kodwa lo mbhangqwana wawuhlala njengomakhelwane kuphela futhi wahlala ndawonye ngenxa yamadodana awo. Le ndoda yavuma ukuthi yayingakwazi ukuphila ngaphandle kwezingane futhi imihlangano kanye ngesonto yayingamukelekile kuye. Ubuhlobo bobulili kulo mbhangqwana kade bashabalala.
Nokho, wayengenasithakazelo ebulilini kuphela - wayefuna ukuqonda nokufudumala komuntu.
Enye indoda yathi umkayo wayesenesikhathi eside ecindezelekile futhi wayengakudingi ukusondelana. Uvumile ukuthi uke wajola nomunye wesifazane, kodwa ubenentshisekelo yokuqomisana ngocansi kuphela, nobudlelwano baphela ngoba esefuna okwengeziwe.
"Ucansi abuzange bube nentshisekelo enkulu, njengoba umuntu engase acabange," kusho isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo. Futhi, nakuba ngangingazange ngihlele ubuhlobo bobulili, la madoda adonsekela kimi ngoba ngaba isilaleli esinokwazisa, ngabonisa ukunaka nozwela.”
Kungani uthando luphela emshadweni?
U-Ann uthi imibhangqwana efuna ukubuyisela impilo yabo yocansi iza ekuqokweni kwakhe, kodwa phakathi neseshini kuvela ukuthi abazange bazame ukubonisana ububele nothando komunye nomunye ngaphandle kocansi isikhathi eside.
"Siyavuma ukuthi isikhathi esithile bazokhombisa isifiso sokuba nomlingani hhayi ngocansi, kodwa ekukhulumisaneni kwansuku zonke: ukwangana, ukubambana ngezandla, ungakhohlwa ukuthumela imiyalezo ezenzakalelayo ngamazwi othando," usho kanje.
Kwenzeka ukuthi imibhangqwana iza ekwelapheni ngoba omunye wabalingani umatasa kakhulu ocansini, kanti owesibili uzizwa enesibopho sokufeza umsebenzi wakhe womshado. Ngokushesha noma kamuva, lokhu "kuqeda amandla" ngokuphelele uxhumano ngepheya.
Imizamo yokukhohlisa uhlangothi lwezocansi lobudlelwano iholela ekupholiseni okwengeziwe.
Amadoda amaningi ayeka ukuba nesithakazelo sobulili kumkabo ngoba akakwazi ukuhlukanisa isithombe sakhe somama wezingane kanye nenkosikazi yendlu emfanekisweni wenkosikazi lapho umuntu angazinikela khona emandleni amaphupho. “Ukuze banelise izifiso zobulili, babuka izithombe ezingcolile zobulili noma baye ezindaweni zokuphola,” kuphetha u-Ann.
Kodwa-ke, noma ngabe kwakungekho iqiniso lokukhashelwa ngokomzimba, lokhu akugcini nje ukuvuselela isibopho somshado, kodwa ngokuvamile kukhulisa ezinye izinkinga, ukuhlukanisa umbhangqwana. Umuntu angathemba nje ukuthi okungenani abanye balaba bantu bazokwazi ukubuyisela ibhuloho ebuhlotsheni ngaphandle kokububhubhisa ngokuphelele.
“Izingosi ezinjalo zingakujabulisa njengengilazi yewayini, kodwa azixazululi izinkinga”
U-Lev Khegai, umhlaziyi we-Jungian
Esimeni lapho ubudlelwano bombhangqwana bucasukile, kubusa isimo sokungaqondi nokwenqatshwa komunye nomunye, bobabili abalingani befuna ukuphulukiswa ngokomoya bangaphendukela kumasayithi okuphola.
Ngempela, akubona bonke abasebenzisi balezi zingosi abafuna kuphela izigigaba zocansi. Abaningi ekuqaleni bacabanga ukuthi ubulili buzoletha impumuzo, kodwa empeleni besaba ubudlelwano bomzimba.
Emazweni acebile, ngokuvamile kuba nezinkinga ngobuhlobo bobulili. UPascal Quinard, encwadini yakhe ethi Sex and Fear, wabonisa indlela phakathi nokudlondlobala koMbuso WamaRoma, lapho ukuphila kuzinzile futhi kuzolile, abantu baqala ukwesaba ubulili.
Umuntu ulahlekelwa injongo yokuphila, uba neurotic futhi wesaba yonke into, noma yikuphi ukuqhuma kwempilo
Ubulili bubuye bube phakathi kwabo, ngakho-ke ufuna imizwelo ngaphandle kwengxenye yocansi kanye namathemba obudlelwane obugcwele, azi kahle ukuthi uxhumano olunjalo ngeke luxazulule izinkinga.
Lokhu kuyisinqumo esivamile se-neurotic, uhlobo lokuzikhethela ngaphandle kokuzikhethela: indlela yokushintsha yonke into ngaphandle kokushintsha lutho? Kunezimo lapho uzakwethu obonakalayo ethathelwe indawo amarobhothi noma izinhlelo ezithumela imiyalezo yothando, ukudumisa nokudlala ngothando.
Kodwa-ke, ngomqondo womhlaba wonke, ubudlelwano obubonakalayo ohlangothini ngeke buxazulule izinkinga zombhangqwana. Bangakwazi ukukujabulisa isikhashana, njenganoma yikuphi ukuphumula, ukuzijabulisa, noma ingilazi yewayini. Uma umsebenzi wokuzilibazisa obonakalayo uba uhlobo lokulutheka, ukuthatheka, khona-ke, vele, lokhu ngeke kulethe okuhle kumsebenzisi wesayithi noma umbhangqwana.