Okuqukethwe
Ukuba ngumama oqotho kungenzeka uma uke waba nomama onobuthi ngokwakho
Umama wangizala, yiso kuphela isipho ake wangipha sona kodwa ngingumuntu oqinile ! Kimina akayena umama, ngoba wangikhulisa ngaphandle kokubonisa uthando noma ububele. Ngangabaza isikhathi eside ukuba nomntwana, uma ngibheka umama osabekayo enganginaye, ngangicabanga ukuthi anginangqondo yokubeletha uma ngiqhathanisa nabanye abantu besifazane. Lapho ukukhulelwa kwami kwanda, ngacindezeleka nakakhulu. Ukugona, ukuqabula, ukucula, isikhumba esikhumbeni, inhliziyo egcwele uthando, ngithole le njabulo noPaloma, indodakazi yami, futhi kuhle kakhulu. Ngizisola kakhulu ngokuthi angizange ngithole uthando lukamama ngiseyingane, kodwa ngiyalungisa. “U-Élodie ungomunye walabo omama abasebasha abangazange balithole ithuba lokuba nomama onakekelayo, umama okahle ngokwanele, ngokusho kukadokotela wezingane uWinnicott futhi, ngokuzumayo, ozibuza ukuthi bazophumelela yini ukuba abalungile. umama. Njengoba udokotela wengqondo uLiliane Daligan * echaza: “Umama angafeyila emazingeni amaningana. Angase acindezeleke futhi angamvusi nhlobo ingane yakhe. Kungaba ukuhlukumeza ngokomzimba kanye / noma ukuhlukumeza ngokomqondo. Kulokhu, ingane ihlanjalazwa, ithukwa futhi yehliswa ngendlela ehlelekile. Angaba nandaba nhlobo. Ingane ayitholi noma yibuphi ubufakazi besisa, ngakho sikhuluma ngengane “ye-bonsai” enenkinga yokukhula futhi iqongelela ukubambezeleka kokukhula. Akulula ukuzenza ube ngumama ogculisayo nasendimeni yakho njengomama lapho ungenayo imodeli efanelekile yomama ongazikhomba futhi ubhekisele kuye.
Yiba umama ophelele esasingenaye
Lokhu kukhathazeka, lokhu kwesaba ukungakwazi ukwenza umsebenzi, akubonakali ngempela ngaphambi kokunquma ukukhulelwa umntwana noma ngesikhathi sokukhulelwa kwakhe. Njengoba isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo kanye nesazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uBrigitte Allain-Dupré ** egcizelela: “ Lapho owesifazane ehlanganyela emsebenzini womndeni, uvikelwe uhlobo lwe-amnesia, uyakhohlwa ukuthi wayenobudlelwane obubi nomama wakhe, amehlo akhe agxile kakhulu esikhathini esizayo kunasesikhathini esidlule. Umlando wakhe onzima nomama ofeyila cishe uzophinde uvele lapho umntwana ekhona. Yilokhu ngempela okwenzeka ku-Élodie, umama ka-Anselme, izinyanga eziyishumi:” Ngaba nomuzwa ocacile wokuthi kukhona okungahambi kahle ngo-Anselme. Ngangizifaka ngaphansi kwengcindezi engenakwenzeka, ngoba ngangihlale ngizitshela ukuthi ngizoba umama ongenacala engingenaye! Umama wayeyintombazane yasephathini ephuma njalo futhi evame ukusishiya sodwa, mina nomfowethu omncane. Ngahlupheka kakhulu futhi ngangifuna yonke into ilungele isithandwa sami. Kodwa u-Anselm wakhala kakhulu, akadlanga, akazange alale kahle. Ngazizwa ngingaphansi kwayo yonke into! Abesifazane abaye baba nomama okhubazekile ngokuvamile bathatha ngokuqaphela noma bengazi umgomo wokuba ngumama ofanelekayo. NgokukaBrigitte Allain-Dupré: “Ukufuna ukuphelela kuyindlela yokulungisa, ukupholisa ngaphakathi kwakho isilonda njengomama. Bazitshela ukuthi konke kuzoba kuhle, futhi ukubuyela eqinisweni (ubusuku bokungalali, ukukhathala, ama-stretch marks, ukukhala, i-libido nomngane womshado hhayi phezulu ...) kubuhlungu. Bayabona ukuthi ukuphelela akunakwenzeka futhi bazizwa benecala ngokungahambisani nenkohliso yabo. Ubunzima ekunceliseni ibele noma isifiso esizwakalayo sokuncelisa ingane yakhe ibhodlela kuchazwa njengobufakazi bokuthi abayitholi indawo yabo njengomama! Abazithwesi umthwalo ngokukhetha kwabo, kuyilapho ibhodlela elinikezwe ngenjabulo lingcono kunebele elinikezwe “ngoba liyadingeka” nokuthi uma umama eqinisekiswa ngokwengeziwe ngokunikeza ibhodlela, kuyoba nzima. umuhle umntanakhe omncane. Udokotela wezifo zengqondo uLiliane Daligan uphawula okufanayo: “Abesifazane abaye baba nomama oyisifebe ngokuvamile bazifuna kakhulu kunabanye ngoba bafuna ukwenza okuphambene nomama wabo “omelana nesibonelo”! Bazikhathaza bezama ukuba ngumama okahle wengane ekahle, babeka izinga eliphezulu kakhulu. Ingane yabo ayihlanzekile ngokwanele, ijabule ngokwanele, ihlakaniphe ngokwanele, izizwa inesibopho sayo yonke into. Ngokushesha nje lapho ingane ingekho phezulu, kuyinhlekelele, futhi konke kuyiphutha labo. “
Ingozi yokucindezeleka kwangemva kokubeletha
Noma yimuphi umama osemusha oqalayo ubhekana nobunzima, kodwa labo abangenakho ukulondeka ngokomzwelo komama badikibala ngokushesha. Njengoba konke kungeyona i-idyllic, bayaqiniseka ukuthi babenephutha, ukuthi abadalelwe ukuba ngumama. Njengoba yonke into ingeyinhle, yonke into iba yimbi, futhi bayacindezeleka. Lapho nje umama ezizwa ecindezelekile, kubalulekile ukuba angahlali ehlazweni lakhe, akhulume ngobunzima bakhe kwabasondelene naye, noyise wengane noma, uma engakwazi, kubanakekeli bomntwana. i-PMI ancike kuyo, kumbelethisi, udokotela wakhe, udokotela wezingane noma ukuncipha, ngoba ukucindezeleka kwangemva kokubeletha kungaba nemiphumela emibi enganeni uma ingelashwa ngokushesha. Lapho owesifazane eba umama, ubuhlobo bakhe obuyinkimbinkimbi nomama wakhe bubuyela obala, ukhumbula konke ukungabi nabulungisa, unya, ukugxekwa, ukungabi nandaba, ukubanda... Njengoba uBrigitte Allain-Dupré egcizelela: “Ukwelashwa kwengqondo kwenza kube nokwenzeka ukuqonda ukuthi ukuhlukunyezwa kukamama kwakuxhunyaniswa nendaba yakhe, ukuthi kwakungahloselwe bona, ukuthi akubangelwa ukuthi babengakufanelekele ukuthandwa. Omama abasebancane bayaqaphela futhi ukuthi ubudlelwano bukamama nengane bebungakhombisi kahle, bungathintwa futhi buvame ukuba kude ezizukulwaneni ezedlule, ukuthi omama “babesebenza”, okusho ukuthi babezondla futhi baziphakele. ukunakekelwa, kodwa ukuthi ngezinye izikhathi "inhliziyo yayingekho". Abanye baphinde bathole ukuthi unina wayenokucindezeleka kwangemva kokubeletha futhi akekho owakuqaphela lokho, ngoba kwakungaxoxwanga ngaleso sikhathi. Lokhu kuqonda kuvumela ukuba kude nobuhlobo obubi nomama wakhe siqu futhi amukele ukungaboni ngaso linye, okusho ukuthi kukhona okuhle nokubi kumuntu ngamunye, kuhlanganise nakubo. Ekugcineni bangakwazi ukuzitshela ukuthi: ” Kuyangijabulisa ukuba nengane, kodwa intengo yokukhokha ngeke ibe yinto ehlekisayo nsuku zonke, kuzoba nokuhle nokubi, njengabo bonke omama emhlabeni. “
Ukwesaba ukukhiqiza kabusha lokho esikuphilayo
Ngaphandle kokwesaba ukungenzi umshwalense, okunye ukwesaba okuhlukumeza omama ukuzala nezingane zabo lokho ezahlupheka kunina lapho beseyizingane. UMarine, isibonelo, waba nalokhu kukhathazeka lapho ebeletha u-Evariste. “Ngiyingane yokutholwa. Umama ongizalayo wangilahla futhi ngangesaba kakhulu ukwenza okufanayo, nokuba ngumama “oyisishimane”. Okwangisindisa ukuthi ngaqonda ukuthi wayengilahlile, hhayi ngoba ngingafaneleki, kodwa ngenxa yokuthi wayengeke enze ngenye indlela. “Kusukela lapho sizibuza imibuzo mayelana nengozi yokuphinda sidlale isimo esifanayo, kuwuphawu oluhle futhi singaqapha kakhulu. Kunzima kakhulu lapho izenzo zomama ezinodlame - izimpama, isibonelo - noma ukuthuka komama naphezu kwakho, lapho sasihlale sizithembisa ukuthi ngeke senze njengomama wethu! Uma lokho kwenzeka, into yokuqala okufanele uyenze ukuxolisa enganeni yakho: “Uxolo, kukhona into engiphunyukile, bengingafuni ukukuzwisa ubuhlungu, bengingafuni ukukutshela lokho!” “. Futhi ukuvimbela lokhu ukuthi kungenzeki futhi, kungcono ukuyokhuluma nokuncipha.
NgokukaLiliane Daligan: “Umngane angaba usizo olukhulu nakumama owesaba ukudlulela esenzweni. Uma emnene, enothando, eqinisekisayo, uma emazisa endimeni yakhe njengomama, usiza umama osemusha ukuba akhe esinye isithombe sakhe. Angakwazi-ke ukwamukela ukunyakaza kokudinwa ukuthi “Angisakwazi! Angeke ngisakwazi ukuthatha le ngane! ” ukuthi bonke omama baphile. ” Ungesabi ukubuza ubaba kusukela ekuzalweni, kuyindlela yokumtshela : “Siyenze sobabili le ngane, ababaningi kakhulu ukuthi singayinakekela ingane futhi ngithembele kuwe ukuthi uzongeseka endimeni yami njengomama. Futhi lapho ezitshala imali nengane yakhe, kubalulekile ukuba angabi khona yonke indawo, amvumele anakekele ingane yakhe ngendlela yakhe.
Ungangabazi ukuthola usizo
Ukucela ukwesekwa kubaba wengane yakho kuhle, kodwa akhona amanye amathuba. I-Yoga, ukuphumula, ukuzindla okunengqondo nakho kungasiza umama odonsa kanzima ukuthola indawo yakhe. Njengoba uBrigitte Allain-Dupré echaza: “Lemisebenzi isivumela ukuba sakhe kabusha ngaphakathi kwethu indawo eyethu, lapho sizizwa silondekile, sinokuthula, sivikelekile ekuhlukumezekeni kwasebuntwaneni, njengomfece othokomele futhi olondekile, lapho unina engakwenzi lokho. Abesifazane abasakhathazekile ngokuthula bangaphendukela ku-hypnosis noma izikhathi ezimbalwa ekubonisaneni nomama / nengane. “Juliette, wayethembele kwabanye omama benkulisa yabazali lapho ayebhalise khona indodakazi yakhe uDahlia:” Nganginomama one-bipolar futhi ngangingazi ngempela ukuthi kufanele ngibhekane kanjani noDahlia. Ngabuka omama bezinye izingane enkulisa, saba abangani, saxoxa kakhulu futhi ngadweba izindlela ezinhle zokwenza izinto ezihambisana nami kuzo zonke. Ngenze imakethe yami! Futhi incwadi kaDelphine de Vigan ethi “Akukho lutho oluphazamisayo ebusuku” ekhuluma ngomama wakhe one-bipolar yangisiza ukuba ngiqonde umama wami, ukugula kwakhe nokuthethelela. Ukuqonda umama wakho siqu, ekugcineni ukuthethelele lokho akwenzile esikhathini esidlule, kuyindlela enhle yokuziqhelelanisa futhi ube umama “omuhle” ofuna ukuba nguye. Kodwa ingabe kufanele sisuke kulo mama onobuthi okwamanje, noma sisondele kuso? U-Liliane Daligan ukhuthaza isixwayiso: "Kuyenzeka ukuthi ugogo akalimazi njengomama ayenjalo, ukuthi" angaba ugogo "ngenkathi" engumama ongenakwenzeka "". Kodwa uma umesaba, uma unomuzwa wokuthi uhlasela kakhulu, ugxeka kakhulu, unegunya elikhulu, ngisho nobudlova, kungcono ukuziqhelelanisa futhi ungabeki umntwana wakho kuye uma ungeyena. “Lapha futhi, indima yomngane ibalulekile, kukuye ukuthi agcine ugogo onobuthi, athi: “Usendaweni yami lapha, indodakazi yakho ayiseyona indodakazi yakho, kodwa umama wengane yethu. . Akaphakamise ngendlela afuna ngayo! “
* Umbhali we "Feminine violence", ed. Albin Michel. ** Umbhali wencwadi ethi “Ukwelashwa kukanina”, ed. Ama-Eyrolles.