Lapho ubuhlobo bomama nendodakazi buhlanya

ubudlelwano obukhethekile

Omunye ucabanga ukuthi umama wakhe, futhi othile uyavuma ukuthi uyamzonda futhi akakwazi ukuthola ulimi oluvamile naye. Kungani lobu buhlobo obukhethekile kangaka, kungani basilimaza kakhulu futhi babangele ukusabela okuhlukile?

Umama akayena nje umlingiswa obalulekile empilweni yengane. Ngokusho kwe-psychoanalysis, cishe yonke i-psyche yomuntu yakheka ebuhlotsheni bokuqala nomama. Aziqhathaniswe nezinye.

Umama wengane, ngokusho kwesazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uDonald Winnicott, empeleni indawo eyakhiwe kuyo. Futhi lapho ubudlelwano bungakhuli ngendlela engaba usizo kulo mntwana, ukukhula kwakhe kuyahlanekezelwa.

Ngokwenza, ubuhlobo nomama bunquma konke empilweni yomuntu. Lokhu kubeka umthwalo omkhulu kowesifazane, ngoba umama akalokothi abe umuntu wengane yakhe endala angakha nayo ubudlelwano bokwethembana obulinganayo. Umama uhlala engumuntu ongenakuqhathaniswa empilweni yakhe engenalutho futhi engekho.

Bubukeka bunjani ubuhlobo obunempilo phakathi kukamama nendodakazi?

Lobu ubudlelwano lapho abesifazane abadala bengakwazi ukuxhumana futhi baxoxisane, baphile impilo ehlukene - ngamunye eyakhe. Bangakwazi ukuthukuthela omunye nomunye futhi bangavumelani ngokuthile, benganelisekile, kodwa ngesikhathi esifanayo, ubudlova abuqedi uthando nenhlonipho, futhi akekho ophuca izingane zabo nabazukulu kunoma ubani.

Kodwa ubuhlobo phakathi kukamama nendodakazi buyinkimbinkimbi kunazo zonke ezinhlanganisela ezine ezingenzeka (ubaba-indodana, ubaba-indodakazi, umama-indodana, nomama-indodakazi). Iqiniso liwukuthi umama wendodakazi uyinto eyinhloko yokuthandwa. Kodwa-ke, lapho eneminyaka engu-3-5 ubudala, kudingeka adlulisele imizwa yakhe yenkanuko kuyise, futhi uqala ukuphupha: “Lapho sengikhulile, ngizoshada nobaba.”

Lokhu kuyinkimbinkimbi efanayo ye-Oedipus eyatholwa uFreud, futhi kuyamangaza ukuthi akekho owayengaphambi kwakhe owenza lokhu, ngoba ukukhangwa kwengane kumzali wobulili obuhlukile kwakubonakala ngaso sonke isikhathi.

Futhi kunzima kakhulu ukuba intombazane idlule kulesi sigaba esiyisibopho sokukhula. Phela uma uqala ukuthanda ubaba, umama uba imbangi, futhi nobabili ngandlela-thile nidinga ukwabelana ngothando lukababa. Kunzima kakhulu ukuba intombazane iqhudelane nomama wayo, osathandwa futhi ebalulekile kuyo. Futhi umama, naye, uvame ukuba nomona ngomyeni wakhe ngendodakazi yakhe.

Kodwa lona umugqa owodwa kuphela. Kukhona nesesibili. Entombazaneni encane, unina uyinto yothando, kodwa-ke kudingeka azihlanganise nonina ukuze akhule futhi abe owesifazane.

Kukhona ukuphikisana lapha: intombazane kufanele ithande umama wayo kanyekanye, ilwe naye ukuze inakekele uyise, futhi ihlobanise naye. Futhi lapha kuvela ubunzima obusha. Iqiniso liwukuthi umama nendodakazi bafana kakhulu, futhi kulula kakhulu kubo ukukhomba omunye nomunye. Kulula ukuthi intombazane ihlanganise eyakhe nomama wayo, futhi kulula kumama ukubona ukuqhubeka kwayo endodakazini yakhe.

Abesifazane abaningi babi ngempela ekuzihlukaniseni namadodakazi abo. Kufana ne-psychosis. Uma ubabuza ngqo, bazophikisa bathi bahlukanisa yonke into ngokuphelele futhi benza konke ukuze kuzuze amadodakazi abo. Kodwa kwelinye izinga elijulile, lo mngcele ufiphalisiwe.

Ingabe ukunakekela indodakazi yakho kuyefana nokuzinakekela wena?

Ngendodakazi yakhe, umama ufuna ukuqaphela lokho angazange akuqaphele ekuphileni. Noma into yena uqobo ayithanda kakhulu. Ukholelwa ngobuqotho ukuthi indodakazi yakhe kufanele ithande lokho ekuthandayo, ukuthi ingathanda ukwenza lokho yona ngokwayo. Ngaphezu kwalokho, umama umane akahlukanisi phakathi kwezidingo zakhe nezidingo zakhe, izifiso, imizwa.

Uyawazi amahlaya anjengokuthi «faka isigqoko, ngiyagodola»? Uyayizwela ngempela indodakazi yakhe. Ngikhumbula ingxoxo nomdwebi u-Yuri Kuklachev, owabuzwa: “Uzikhulise kanjani izingane zakho?” Uthi: “Futhi lokhu kuyafana namakati.

Ikati alikwazi ukufundiswa noma yimaphi amaqhinga. Ngiyaqaphela kuphela lokho athambekele kukho, lokho akuthandayo. Omunye uyagxuma, omunye udlala ngebhola. Futhi ngihlakulela lokhu kuthambekela. Ngokufanayo nezingane. Ngavele ngabheka ukuthi bayini, ukuthi ngokwemvelo baphuma nakho. Ngabe sengibathuthukisa ngale ndlela.

Lena indlela enengqondo lapho ingane ibhekwa njengesidalwa esihlukile esinezici zayo siqu.

Futhi bangaki omama esibaziyo ababonakala benakekela: bathatha izingane zabo emibuthanweni, embukisweni, emakhonsathini omculo we-classic, ngoba, ngokusho komzwelo wabo ojulile, yilokhu kanye okudingayo ingane. Futhi-ke baphinde bawafake amabinzana anjengokuthi: "Ngibeka impilo yami yonke kuwe," okubangela umuzwa wecala omkhulu ezinganeni ezindala. Futhi, lokhu kubukeka njenge-psychosis.

Empeleni, i-psychosis iwukungahlukaniseki phakathi kokwenzeka ngaphakathi kuwe nalokho okungaphandle. Umama ungaphandle kwendodakazi. Nendodakazi ingaphandle kwayo. Kodwa lapho umama ekholelwa ukuthi indodakazi yakhe ithanda lokho ekuthandayo, iqala ukulahlekelwa yilo mngcele phakathi kwezwe langaphakathi nelingaphandle. Kwenzeka okufanayo nasendodakazini yami.

Bawubulili obufanayo, bayafana ngempela. Yilapho ingqikithi yokusangana okwabiwe ingena khona, uhlobo lwengqondo ehambisanayo oludlulela kuphela ebudlelwaneni babo. Uma ungazibheki ndawonye, ​​ungase ungaboni nhlobo ukwephulwa kwemithetho. Ukusebenzelana kwabo nabanye abantu kuzoba yinto evamile. Nakuba ezinye ukuhlanekezela kungenzeka. Isibonelo, le ndodakazi inabesifazane bohlobo lomama - enabaphathi, othisha besifazane.

Iyini imbangela yalokhu kuphazamiseka kwengqondo?

Lapha kuyadingeka ukukhumbula isibalo sikababa. Omunye wemisebenzi yakhe emndenini ukuma phakathi kukamama nendodakazi ngesikhathi esithile. Yile ndlela unxantathu obonakala ngayo, lapho kukhona ubuhlobo phakathi kwendodakazi nomama, nendodakazi noyise, nomama noyise.

Kodwa ngokuvamile umama uzama ukuhlela ukuze ukuxhumana kwendodakazi noyise kudlule kuye. Unxantathu uyagoqa.

Ngiye ngahlangana nemindeni lapho lo modeli ukhiqizwa khona izizukulwane eziningana: kukhona omama namadodakazi kuphela, futhi obaba bayasuswa, noma bahlukanisile, noma abakaze babe khona, noma bayizidakwa futhi abanaso isisindo emndenini. Ubani kulokhu ozobhubhisa ukusondelana nokuhlanganiswa kwabo? Ubani ozobasiza ukuba bahlukane futhi babheke kwenye indawo kodwa babukane futhi "babukise" ubuhlanya babo?

By the way, uyazi yini ukuthi cishe kuzo zonke izimo ze-Alzheimer's noma ezinye izinhlobo zokuwohloka komqondo kwe-senile, omama babiza amadodakazi abo ngokuthi "omama"? Eqinisweni, ebuhlotsheni obunjalo be-symbiotic, akukho mehluko phakathi kokuthi ubani ohlobene nobani. Konke kuhlangene.

Ingabe indodakazi kufanele ibe "ubaba"?

Uyazi ukuthi abantu bathini? Ukuze ingane ijabule, intombazane kufanele ifane noyise, nomfana afane nonina. Futhi kunesisho esithi obaba bahlale befuna amadodana, kodwa bathande ngaphezu kwamadodakazi. Lokhu kuhlakanipha kwabantu kuhambisana ngokugcwele nobudlelwano bezengqondo obulungiselelwe imvelo. Ngicabanga ukuthi kunzima kakhulu ukuthi intombazane ekhule “njengendodakazi kamama” ihlukane nonina.

Intombazane ikhula, ingena enkathini yokuzala futhi izithole, njengokungathi, ensimini yezalukazi, ngaleyo ndlela iphushela unina ensimini yezalukazi. Lokhu akwenzeki ngempela okwamanje, kodwa ingqikithi yoshintsho yilokho. Futhi omama abaningi, ngaphandle kokuqaphela, babhekana nakho kabuhlungu kakhulu. Okungukuthi, ngendlela, kubonakala ezinganekwaneni mayelana nomama omubi kanye nendodakazi yokutholwa.

Impela kunzima ukubekezelela intombazane, indodakazi, iqhakaza, wena usugugile. Indodakazi eyeve eshumini nambili inemisebenzi yayo: idinga ukuhlukana nabazali bayo. Ngokombono, i-libido evuka kuye ngemva kwesikhathi esicashile seminyaka engu-12-13 kufanele iguqulwe isuka emndenini iphumele ngaphandle, iye kontanga yakhe. Futhi ingane ngalesi sikhathi kufanele ishiye umndeni.

Uma ubuhlobo bentombazane nonina buseduze kakhulu, kuba nzima ukuba igqashule. Futhi uhlala «intombazane yasekhaya», ebonwa njengesibonakaliso esihle: ingane ezolile, elalelayo isikhulile. Ukuze uhlukanise, ukuze unqobe ukukhanga esimweni esinjalo sokuhlanganiswa, intombazane kufanele ibe nokuphikisana nokuhlukunyezwa okuningi, okubhekwa njengokuhlubuka nokonakala.

Akunakwenzeka ukuqaphela konke, kodwa uma umama eqonda lezi zici nama-nuances obudlelwane, kuzoba lula kubo. Ngake ngabuzwa umbuzo onzima kangaka: “Ingabe indodakazi ibophekile ukuba ithande unina?” Eqinisweni, indodakazi ayikwazi ukuzibamba ngaphandle kokuthanda unina. Kodwa ebuhlotsheni obuseduze kuhlale kukhona uthando nobudlova, futhi ebuhlotsheni bomama nendodakazi yalolu thando kukhona ulwandle nolwandle lobudlova. Umbuzo kuphela ukuthi yini ezowina - uthando noma inzondo?

Hlala ufuna ukukholelwa lolo thando. Sonke siyayazi imikhaya enjalo lapho wonke umuntu ephathana ngenhlonipho, wonke umuntu ebona komunye umuntu, umuntu ngamunye, futhi ngesikhathi esifanayo ezizwa ethandeka futhi esondelene kangakanani.