Okuqukethwe
Abesifazane abathandanayo nabathobekile abalwela ukujabulisa wonke umuntu babonakala beheha abalingani abanobuthi nabahlukumezayo kubo. Kungani lokhu kwenzeka? Ngoba bazama kanzima kakhulu ukuba bahle, kusho isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uBeverly Angel. Futhi ichaza ukuthi lesi sifiso sivelaphi.
Kungani sivame ukuzwa ngamacala okuhlukunyezwa kwabesifazane? Ikakhulukazi ngoba umphakathi usabushalazela isihluku sabesilisa kwesinye isikhathi usishiye singajeziswa. Kade zadlula izikhathi lapho amadoda ayethatha omkawo namadodakazi awo njengempahla yawo futhi engenza ngokuthanda kwawo, kodwa kusafanele sibhekane nezimo ezifanayo futhi sifunele izigebengu isijeziso esifanele.
Ngokolwazi olushicilelwe yi-WHO, cishe owesifazane oyedwa kwabathathu (30%) emhlabeni ubhekana nokuhlukunyezwa ngokomzimba noma ngokocansi okwenziwa umlingani osondelene naye noma ukuhlukunyezwa ngokocansi ngomunye umuntu ngesikhathi sokuphila kwakhe.
Emhlabeni jikelele, u-37% wabesifazane abasebudlelwaneni babika ukuthi bahlangabezane nohlobo oluthile lokuhlukunyezwa ngokomzimba noma ngokocansi okwenziwa abalingani ngesikhathi sokuphila kwabo.
Kuze kufike ku-38% wokubulawa kwabesifazane emhlabeni wonke kwenziwa abantu besilisa abathandana nabo*.
Isihluku sivame ukuqeda amadoda. Ngokusobala akwenele okwenziwayo ukushintsha lokhu. Kodwa kunesinye isizathu esenza abantu besifazane babe yizisulu zodlame - bazama kanzima ukuba bahle. Lokhu kubenza babe izisulu zokuthukwa, ukuhlukunyezwa ngokokuziphatha, ukushaywa nokuhlukunyezwa ngokocansi. Abesifazane abanjalo abazi ukuthi bangazimela kanjani futhi bahlukane nobudlelwano obungenampilo noma obuyingozi.
Ukuba “intombazane elungile” kwandisa amathuba okuhlukunyezwa, kodwa akusho ukuthi owesifazane uchukuluza indoda ukuba yenze izinto ezinengekayo. Lokhu akusho neze ukuthi unecala. Kusho kuphela ukuthi owesifazane onembe kakhulu futhi olalelayo unikeza isignali ethile emadodeni ajwayele ukuxhashazwa nobudlova.
Kuhamba okuthile okufana nalokhu: "Isidingo sami sokuba muhle (ubumnandi, indawo yokuhlala) sinamandla kakhulu kunomzwelo wami wokuzigcina"
Iqiniso elibuhlungu liwukuthi abesifazane akufanele babe amantombazane alungile. Lokhu kuyingozi. Yebo, sinesibopho sokwenza amadoda asebenzisa kabi amandla aziphendulele futhi awajezise, kodwa okwamanje, abesifazane bayaqhubeka nokuhlupheka.
Ngeshwa, baningi abantu emhlabeni (abesilisa nabesifazane) abangeke behluleke ukudlala ngobuthakathaka bomuntu. Ngokombono wabo, umusa nokuphana kuwukushiyeka. Yiqiniso, akuwona wonke umuntu ohlangana nomlingani ozomgcona ngokwengqondo, amthuke noma amshaye, kodwa wonke owesifazane onjalo usengozini.
Obani "amantombazane amahle"?
Owesifazane onjalo unendaba kakhulu ngendlela abanye abamphatha ngayo kunendlela aziphatha ngayo yena. Ukhathalela kakhulu imizwa yabanye kuneyakhe. Ufuna ukuthola umusa emhlabeni wonke futhi akazicabangeli izifiso zakhe.
Isichazamazwi sinikeza amagama afanayo amaningi egama elithi «okuhle»: onakekelayo, omnandi, ozwelayo, owamukelayo, onomusa, omnandi, ozwelayo, othandekayo, othandekayo. Bachaza kahle ukuthi "intombazane enhle" iyini. Abaningi babo benza konke okusemandleni abo ukuze babonwe ngaleyo ndlela. Kodwa empeleni, ama-epithets ahluke ngokuphelele ahambisana nalesi sithombe. Abesifazane abanjalo:
Uyalalela. Benza abakutshelwayo. Bafundile: ukwenza njengoba kushiwo kulula kunokuphikisa;
Ukwenziwa. Bayesaba ukuzimela, ngakho-ke kulula ukuphatha nokuphusha. Bakhetha ukuhlala bathule ngesizotha ngenxa yokwesaba ukulimaza imizwa yothile noma ngokwesaba ukuzilimaza;
Ababuthakathaka. Basesaba ukungqubuzana kangangokuthi namuhla basho enye, futhi kusasa basho enye. Ngomzamo wokujabulisa wonke umuntu, bavumelana nomuntu oyedwa, baphendule ama-degree angu-180 futhi bavumelane ngokushesha nomphikisi wakhe;
Bayazenzisa. Besaba ukuvuma lokho abakuzwayo, ngakho bayazenzisa. Benza sengathi bathanda umuntu ongajabulisi ngempela. Benza sengathi bafuna ukuya kwenye indawo kanti abafuni ngempela.
Ukubasola ngalokhu kuziphatha akwamukelekile njengokusola izisulu zodlame ngokuzishoshozela ngokwazo. Baziphatha ngale ndlela ngezizathu ezinhle, ezihlanganisa indawo yamasiko, izimo zengqondo zabazali, nokuhlangenwe nakho kwasebuntwaneni. Ngaphezu kwalokho, i-"good girl" syndrome inemithombo emine eyinhloko.
1. I-Biological predisposition
Abesifazane ngokuvamile banesineke kakhulu, banozwela futhi bakhetha ukuthula okubi kunokuxabana okuhle. Uprofesa waseYunivesithi yaseHarvard uCarol Gilligan wafinyelela esiphethweni sokuthi isenzakalo wonke umuntu ayevame ukusibiza ngokuthi ukuzithoba kwabesifazane, ngokuvamile sibonakala siyisidingo sokuthola ikhambi elingafanela wonke umuntu: “Lesi isenzo sokunakekela, hhayi ulaka oluzithiyo.”
Ucwaningo lweNyuvesi yaseCalifornia luthole ukuthi abesifazane banomlando wokuziphatha obanzi, ngokungafani nabesilisa, abanqunyelwe ukukhetha okubili: "ukulwa" noma "ukundiza." Ukusabela kokucindezeleka kuhambisana nokukhululwa kwe-oxytocin, egcina owesifazane ezenzweni zokuqubuka futhi emenza acabange ngabantwana, futhi afune ukusekelwa kwabanye besifazane.
2. Imibono engokwenhlalo eyakhiwe ngaphansi kwethonya lendawo ezungezile
Amantombazane kufanele abe nesizotha, ahlonipheke, aziphathe kahle futhi amukeleke. Okusho ukuthi, zenziwe ngokuzenzakalela "zazo zonke izinhlobo zamaswidi, amakhekhe namaswidi." Ngeshwa, emindenini namasiko amaningi, owesifazane kusadingeka ukuba ajabulise wonke umuntu, angabi nabugovu, abe nothando, onesizotha, futhi ngokuvamile aphilele abanye.
Ngaphezu kwalokho, intombazane esemusha ifundiswa ukuthi ukuze uzuze lokhu okuhle, udinga ukuyeka ukuba nguwe. Ngokushesha avale umlomo afihle imizwa yakhe. Unomsebenzi wakhe: ukuzama ukujabulisa abanye, ikakhulukazi abobulili obuhlukile.
3. Izilungiselelo zomndeni
Izihlobo zidlulisa imibono yazo ngempilo kithi. Eqinisweni, sikopisha yonke into: kusukela kumodeli yobudlelwane kuya ekuqondeni indima yowesifazane emndenini. Lezi zinkolelo zakha ukucabanga kwethu, ukuziphatha kanye nombono wezwe.
Kunezimo eziningana ezijwayelekile zomndeni, ngaphansi kwethonya lapho "intombazane enhle" ikhula khona:
ubaba ononya nodelelayo noma umfowabo omdala,
umama ongenamgogodla,
ukukhuliswa ngesiko lokungaziphathi kahle kwabesifazane,
abazali abaphikelela ngokuthi kufanele azibambe, abe nozwelo futhi abe nothando.
Ngokwesibonelo, umthetho ongamanga wokuthi izithakazelo zabanye kufanele zibekwe ngaphezu kwezithakazelo zomuntu siqu ngokuvamile ufundwa ekhaya. Kwakheka ngesibonelo sikamama ongenamgogodla noma owondlayo ozidela ngenxa yomkhaya wakhe noma umyeni wakhe futhi angalokothi acabangele ezakhe izidingo. Ebheka kuye, intombazane ifunda ngokushesha ukuthi owesifazane ohloniphekile, unkosikazi nomama kufanele akhohlwe ngaye futhi aphile egameni lokuhle komunye umuntu.
Kwenzeka ngenye indlela: owesifazane uthola isimo sengqondo esifanayo kubazali abanobugovu noma abane-narcissistic abaphilela ukuzijabulisa kwabo, bengazinaki izidingo zomntwana. Intombazane ekhule ngaphansi kwezimo ezinjalo iqala ukucabanga ukuthi inhlalakahle yayo incike ekutheni izokwazi yini ukwanelisa izifiso zabanye abantu.
4. Ulwazi lomuntu siqu olusekelwe kokuhlangenwe nakho kwasekuqaleni
Kuvamile ukuthi la mantombazane ahlukunyezwe ngokomzwelo, ngokomzimba noma ngokocansi phakathi nesikhathi sobungane noma esakhula. Ukuhlukumeza nokunganakwa kwabazali kudala umbono wezwe osontekile kanye nokuthambekela okungenampilo okuphoqa owesifazane ukuba abe «intombazane elungile». Ekugcineni, labo abahlakulela lesi sifo:
bazisole ngakho konke okungahambi kahle
bayangabaza, ulwazi lwabo, imizwa kanye nemibono yabo,
kholwani amazwi abanye abantu, ngisho noma umuntu ewaphoxe izikhathi ezingaphezu kwesisodwa,
zithethelela ngokunganaki izisusa zeqiniso zezenzo zothile,
bakholelwa ukuthi banesibopho sokwanelisa izifiso zabanye abantu, ngisho noma bazilimaze bona ngokwabo.
Kodwa isici esiyinhloko esibangela ukuthuthukiswa kwe-syndrome "yentombazane enhle" ukwesaba.
Besabani abesifazane?
Kunezizathu eziningi zokwesaba, kodwa ngokuvamile zibangelwa ukuthi abesifazane bawubulili obubuthakathaka, okungenani ngokomzimba. Iningi labesilisa linamandla ngempela, ngakho akumangazi ukuthi likwazile ukwesabisa abantu besifazane. Singase singakuqapheli, kodwa ukwesaba kukhona.
Esinye isivimbeli umthondo, isikhali sowesilisa semvelo. Amadoda amaningi awacabangi ngakho, kanjalo nabesifazane abaningi. Nokho, ipipi elimile lisetshenziselwa ukungena, ubuhlungu namandla. Futhi, abesifazane abaqapheli ukuthi lokhu kwesaba okudala kuhlala kubo.
Izici ezimbili kuphela ezithinta umzimba womuntu wesifazane zithonya ukucabanga nemizwelo yabantu besifazane ezingeni lokungazi lutho.
“Siyazi” ukuthi ukuphepha kwethu kusezandleni zabantu. Uma sizifaka engozini yokuphikisana nabo, bazocasuka futhi bangase basijezise. Nakuba amadoda amaningi engakusebenzisi ngokunenzuzo ukuphakama kwawo ngokomzimba kunabesifazane, amathuba okuba usongo ahlala ekhona.
Isizathu sesibili sokwesaba okujulile kwabesifazane sisekulawuleni okwasungulwa ngokomlando kwabesilisa. Kuwo wonke umlando wesintu, amandla angokomzimba aye asetshenziswa ukuze kwehlise intukuthelo nokukhombisa amandla.
Abesilisa bebelokhu benamandla kunabesifazane abaningi futhi, ngaphandle kokungavamile, babambe isikhundla esiphezulu emphakathini. Ngakho-ke, abesifazane baye bahlaselwa futhi besongelwa amadoda amakhulu eminyaka futhi, ngokufanelekile, baphoqeleka ukuba besabe.
Kuze kube muva nje, ubudlova basekhaya bebungabhekwa njengento engavamile. Izinsalela zesikhathi esidlule zisagcinwa kwamanye amazwe, isibonelo, eNdiya futhi ngokwengxenye e-Afrika, owesifazane akabhekwa njengomuntu ophelele: uyise, bese umyeni wakhe ephethe.
Okokugcina, isizathu sesithathu sokwesaba kwabesifazane namantombazane sisekelwe eqinisweni lokuthi amadoda ayaqhubeka nokubalimaza ngelungelo «lomnikazi»
Naphezu kwemizamo emikhulu yokuvimbela ubudlova basekhaya nokunukubezwa kwezingane ngokobulili, lobu bugebengu obubili busadlangile emhlabeni wonke. Njengasekuqaleni, amadoda ahlukumeza omkawo, futhi ukuhlukunyezwa kwezingane ngokobulili kwanda.
Intombazane noma owesifazane ohlukunyezwayo—emzimbeni, ngokomzwelo, noma ngokobulili—ugcwele amahloni nokwethuka. Abaningi babo bahlushwa ukwesaba ukuphinde babe sesimweni esifanayo. Nakuba ephinda esebenza ezingeni lokungazi lutho, kuyindlela elula ngempela yokuqinisa intombazane ngokusongela ukuyilimaza.
Lokhu kwesaba kuyimpande yezinkolelo eziningi, uma kungezona zonke, ezakha i-"good girl" syndrome. Ngakho, abesifazane abaningi bayangabaza ukuqeda ubuhlobo obubuhlungu, ngisho noma bazi ukuthi kufanele. Akukhona ukuthi babuthakathaka, iziphukuphuku noma ama-masochistic abajabulela ukuhlupheka. Bayesaba konke okushiwo ngenhla. Kodwa uma owesifazane ekwazi ukuqonda ukuthi yini eyesabisayo, umuzwa wehlazo ngokuziphatha kwakhe "okubi" kancane kancane uyayeka.
Uma uluhlobo lowesifazane osekhathele ukuba «intombazane elungile», bhekana nokwesaba kwakho. Lokhu kuzokusiza ukuthi uziqonde, uzixolele, uthole ithemba futhi ufune ukushintsha.
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Umthombo: Incwadi kaBeverly Angel ethi "Good Girl Syndrome: Ungasusa kanjani izimo zengqondo ezingezinhle kusukela ebuntwaneni, zamukele futhi uzithande"