"Ngabe uthando lolu?" Abaningi bethu bake babuza lo mbuzo ezindaweni ezahlukene empilweni yethu futhi abayitholanga impendulo ngaso sonke isikhathi. Nokho, umbuzo kufanele ubekwe ngokuhlukile. Phela, okuningi ebesikholelwa kukho akukho: uthando lweqiniso, noma iqiniso eliphelele, noma imizwelo yemvelo. Kuyini-ke okusalayo?
Umxhumanisi womndeni kanye nesazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esilandisayo u-Vyacheslav Moskvichev usebenze nemibhangqwana iminyaka engaphezu kwe-15. Phakathi kwamakhasimende akhe kukhona abantu bayo yonke iminyaka, abanezingane nabangenazo, labo abasanda kuqala impilo ndawonye, nalabo asebevele benesikhathi sokungabaza ukuthi kufanelekile ukuqhubeka ...
Ngakho-ke, saphendukela kuye njengochwepheshe ezindabeni zothando ngesicelo sokuveza umbono wakhe ngale ndaba. Umbono wawungalindelekile.
Psychology:Ake siqale ngento esemqoka: ingabe uthando lweqiniso lungenzeka?
Vyacheslav Moskvichev: Ngokusobala, uthando lweqiniso yilolo olwenzeka phakathi kwabesilisa nabesifazane bangempela. Kodwa lezi ezimbili, nazo, azilona iqiniso, kodwa izakhiwo ezisunguliwe ezidalwe ukujwayela abantu kanye nobudlelwane babo. Kimina, umbono wokuthi umuntu angathola iqiniso eliphelele, elizimele ngokwesiko, eliphathelene nendawo yonke mayelana nokuthi indoda, owesifazane, uthando, umndeni iyini, kuwumqondo olingayo, kodwa uyingozi.
Iyini ingozi yakhe?
Lo mbono wenza abesilisa nabesifazane bangempela bazizwe bengafaneleki, bengelutho ngoba abahambisani nesikhunta. Ngiyavuma ukuthi lezi zakhiwo zisize ngempela umuntu ukuba azilolonge. Kodwa zinokuphikisana kwangaphakathi, futhi akunakwenzeka ukuzilandela. Isibonelo, indoda yangempela kufanele ibe namandla futhi ibe lukhuni, kodwa ngesikhathi esifanayo ibe mnene futhi inakekele, futhi owesifazane wangempela kufanele abe u-hostess okhangayo ngokobulili futhi oyisibonelo.
Uthando wukwanda kwamahomoni, ukukhangwa ngokocansi, noma, ngokuphambene, into yaphezulu, umhlangano onesiphetho
Kumelwe siphume kuzo. Futhi lapho sithi kithi “Angiyena indoda yangempela”, noma “Angiyena owesifazane wangempela”, noma “Lona akulona uthando lwangempela”, sizizwa siphansi futhi sihlupheka.
Futhi obani abahlupheka kakhulu, abesilisa noma abesifazane?
Ngaphansi kwengcindezi yemibono eyamukelekayo emphakathini, amalungu awo angenamalungelo amancane ahlala ewa kuqala. Siphila emphakathini wabesilisa, futhi imibono mayelana nokuthi yini okufanele sihambisane nayo idalwa kakhulu ngamadoda. Ngakho-ke, abesifazane kungenzeka bahlupheke kakhulu. Kodwa lokhu akusho ukuthi amadoda akhululekile ekucindezelweni.
Ukungahambisani namaphethini amiswe emqondweni womphakathi kubangela umuzwa wokuhluleka. Imibhangqwana eminingi iza kimi isesimweni sangaphambi kwesehlukaniso. Futhi ngokuvamile bangeniswa kulesi simo ngemibono yabo mayelana nothando lweqiniso, umndeni, okulindelwe kumlingani angahlangani naye.
Iluphi uhlobo lwemibono olungaletha umbhangqwana onqenqemeni lwesehlukaniso?
Isibonelo, ezifana: kwakukhona uthando, manje seludlulile. Uma sesihambile, akukho okungenziwa, kumele sihlukane. Noma mhlawumbe ngenze iphutha ngokunye ngothando. Futhi njengoba lokhu akulona uthando, ungenzani, babenephutha.
Kodwa akunjalo?
Hhayi! Ukumelwa okunjalo kusiguqula sibe «okuhlangenwe nakho» kokungenzi lutho komuzwa ongenakuthonywa nganoma iyiphi indlela. Sonke siyazichaza ukuthi uthando luyini ngezindlela ezahlukene. Kuyathakazelisa ukuthi phakathi kwalezi zincazelo kukhona okuphambene: isibonelo, ukuthi uthando luyinto yezinto eziphilayo, ukukhuphuka kwamahomoni, ukukhangwa ngokobulili, noma, ngokuphambene, ukuthi kukhona okungokwaphezulu, umhlangano oyingozi. Kodwa izincazelo ezinjalo zihlanganisa kude nawo wonke umkhakha wobudlelwane bethu.
Uma singathandi okuthile kumlingani wethu, ezenzweni zakhe, ukuxhumana kwethu, kungaba nengqondo ukubhekana nalezi zinkinga ezithile. Futhi esikhundleni salokho siqala ukukhathazeka: mhlawumbe senze ukukhetha okungalungile. Yile ndlela ugibe “lothando lweqiniso” oluvela ngayo.
Kusho ukuthini - ugibe «lothando lweqiniso»?
Kungumqondo onjalo ukuthi uma uthando lungokoqobo, kufanele ubekezele - futhi ubekezele. Abesifazane bayalwa ukuba babekezelele enye into, amadoda enye. Kwabesifazane, isibonelo, ukudelela kwabesilisa, ukuchitheka kwegazi, ukuphuza utshwala, ukudlala ngothando nabanye, ukwehluleka ukwenza imisebenzi yabesilisa enqunywe ngokwesiko, njengokunakekela umndeni nokuphepha kwawo.
Ubudlelwano babantu abukho okwemvelo kubo ngokwabo. Bayingxenye yesiko, hhayi imvelo
Ibekezelelani indoda?
Ukungazinzi ngokomzwelo kwabesifazane, izinyembezi, i-whims, ukungahambisani nemibono yobuhle, iqiniso lokuthi umfazi waqala ukungazinaki yena noma ngomuntu. Kodwa yena, ngokwesiko, akufanele abekezelele ukudlala ngothando. Futhi uma kuvela ukuthi othile akasakwazi ukukumela, khona-ke kunenketho eyodwa kuphela esele - ukuqaphela lo mshado njengephutha ("kubuhlungu, kodwa akukho okumele kwenziwe"), cabangela lolu thando njengenkohliso bese ungena. ukucinga entsha. Kucatshangwa ukuthi asikho isidingo sokuthuthukisa ubudlelwano, ukucinga, ukuhlola, nokuxoxisana.
Futhi isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo singasiza kanjani lapha?
Ngikhuthaza imibhangqwana ukuthi izame ezinye izindlela zokusebenzisana. Ngingamema omunye wabalingani ukuthi akhulume ngombono wakhe ngalesi simo, ngalokho okumkhathazayo ebuhlotsheni, ukuthi kuthinta kanjani impilo yomndeni, yini enyamalalayo futhi yini angathanda ukuyisindisa noma ukubuyisela. Futhi komunye ngalo mzuzu ngiphakamisa ukuthi ngibe nesineke futhi, uma kungenzeka, isilaleli esinomusa esingabhala phansi lokho okumkhangayo emazwini omlingani. Bese beshintsha izindima.
Imibhangqwana eminingi ithi iyabasiza. Ngoba ngokuvamile umlingani usabela emazwini okuqala akhulunywe kwabanye noma ekuchazeni kwabo siqu: "uma ungazange upheke isidlo sakusihlwa, bese uphelelwa uthando." Kodwa uma ulalela kuze kube sekupheleni, unikeze omunye ithuba lokukhuluma ngokugcwele, ungafunda okuthile okungalindelekile ngokuphelele futhi okubalulekile ngaye. Kwabaningi, lokhu kuyinto emangalisayo ebavulela amathuba amasha okuhlala ndawonye. Bese ngithi: uma uthanda lokhu okuhlangenwe nakho, mhlawumbe ungazama ukukusebenzisa kwezinye izikhathi zokuphila kwakho?
Futhi kuvela?
Ushintsho alwenzeki ngaso sonke isikhathi. Ngokuvamile imibhangqwana isivele ithuthukise izindlela ezijwayelekile zokuxhumana, futhi ezintsha ezitholakala emhlanganweni nodokotela wezengqondo zingase zibonakale "zingezona ezemvelo". Kubonakala kungokwemvelo ngathi ukuphazamisana, ukuthukana, ukubonisa imizwelo ngokushesha nje lapho iphakama.
Kodwa ubuhlobo babantu abuyona into engokwemvelo kubo ngokwabo. Bayingxenye yesiko, hhayi imvelo. Uma singokwemvelo, sizoba iqoqo lezinkawu. Izimpungushe ziyindalo, kodwa lolu akulona uhlobo lobudlelwano abantu abalubiza ngokuthi uthando lothando.
Asidingi ukuthi owesifazane abe nemilenze enoboya, noma uboya kuyo ngokwemvelo bukhula ngokwendalo. Inhloso yethu "yemvelo" empeleni ingumkhiqizo wamasiko. Bheka fashion — ukubheka «yemvelo», kufanele ukuya eziningi tricks.
Kuhle ukuqaphela lokhu! Uma umbono wemvelo, imvelo, imvelo ungabuzwa, sinethuba elincane kakhulu lokuhlukana nokuhlupheka futhi siqale ukubuka nokuzama, ukuthola nokwakha lobo budlelwano obufanele ngamunye wethu, kucatshangelwa umongo wamasiko.
Ingabe uthando luncike esimweni samasiko?
Kunjalo. Ukutholakala kothando emhlabeni wonke kuyinganekwane njengoba nje lungokwemvelo. Ngenxa yalokhu, ukungezwani okuningi kuvela, futhi ngezinye izikhathi izinhlekelele.
Ngokwesibonelo, owesifazane waseMoscow ushada nomGibhithe owakhuliswa ngesiko elilandela amasiko. Ngokuvamile amadoda angama-Arab ayasebenza ngesikhathi sokuqomisana, abonisa ukuzimisela kwawo ukunakekela owesifazane, ukuba nomthwalo wemfanelo kuye, nabesifazane abaningi abanjalo.
Labo abaye babhekana nokuhlangenwe nakho kobudlelwane besikhathi eside bayazi ukuthi akunakwenzeka ukugcina ukushisa okuqhubekayo.
Kodwa uma sekuya ngasemshadweni, kuvele ukuthi owesifazane unombono wokuthi kumele kubhekwe umbono wakhe, kubhekwe kuyena, kanti ngokwesiko lesintu kuyabuzwa.
Kunenganekwane esikweni lethu yokuthi uthando lweqiniso lushaya ungqimphothwe, luwumfutho oqine kakhulu womzwelo. Futhi uma singacabanga ngokunengqondo, khona-ke alukho uthando. Kodwa labo abaye babhekana nokuhlangenwe nakho kobudlelwane besikhathi eside bayazi ukuthi ukugcina ukushisa okungapheli akuyona nje into engenakwenzeka, kodwa futhi kungenampilo. Ngakho awukwazi ukuphila ekuphileni okuvamile, ngoba ke kanjani ukuba nabangane, nomsebenzi?
Pho luyini uthando, uma kungesona isimo semvelo hhayi ukushuba kwezinkanuko?
Uthando kuqala futhi luyisimo somuntu siqu esikhethekile. Akuhlanganisi umuzwa wethu kuphela, kodwa nendlela yethu yokucabanga ngayo. Uma uthando lungahlelwanga ngombono, iphupho ngomunye, amathemba, okulindelwe, khona-ke isimo somzimba esishiywe kuso cishe ngeke sibe mnandi kakhulu.
Mhlawumbe, kukho konke ukuphila, hhayi kuphela umuzwa oguqukayo, kodwa futhi le ndlela yokuqonda?
Nakanjani uyashintsha! Ozakwethu bangena ebudlelwaneni ngesisekelo sezithakazelo ezithile, ezibuye zithathelwe indawo ezinye. Abahlanganyeli ebudlelwaneni nabo bayashintsha - isimo sabo somzimba, isimo sabo, imibono ngabo, ngempilo, ngayo yonke into. Futhi uma omunye enze umbono oqinile ngomunye, futhi lena enye iyekile ukungena kuyo, khona-ke ubuhlobo buyahlupheka. Ukuqina kwemibono kuyingozi ngokwakho.
Yini eyenza ubudlelwano buzinze futhi bakhe?
Ukulungela umehluko. Ukuqonda ukuthi sihlukile. Ukuthi uma sinezithakazelo ezihlukene, lokhu akubulali ebuhlotsheni, kunalokho, kungaba isizathu esengeziwe sokuxhumana okuthakazelisayo, ukwazi omunye nomunye. Kuyasiza futhi ukuzimisela ukuxoxisana. Hhayi lezo ezihloselwe ukuthola iqiniso elilodwa elivamile kubo bonke, kodwa lezo ezisiza ukuthola izindlela zokuphilisana ngazo zombili.
Kubonakala sengathi uphambene neqiniso. Yiqiniso lokhu?
Iqiniso libonakala likhona nangaphambi kokuba siqale ukukhuluma. Futhi ngibona ukuthi imibhangqwana ingena kaningi kangakanani ezingxoxweni, ikholelwa ukuthi kukhona iqiniso mayelana nobuhlobo, mayelana nomunye nomunye wabo, ihlala itholakala kuphela, futhi ngamunye ucabanga ukuthi uyitholile, kanti enye ayilungile.
Ngokuvamile, amakhasimende afika ehhovisi lami enombono “wokuthola wena wangempela”—njengokungathi awawona ngempela manje! Futhi lapho umbhangqwana ufika, ufuna ukuthola ubuhlobo bangempela. Bathemba ukuthi uchwepheshe ofunde isikhathi eside futhi osebone imibhangqwana eminingi ehlukene unempendulo yokuthi lobu budlelwano kufanele bubukeke kanjani, futhi okufanele bakwenze ukuthola le mpendulo efanele.
Kodwa ngiyakumema ukuthi nihlole indlela ndawonye: Angivezi iqiniso, kodwa ngisiza ukudala umkhiqizo oyingqayizivele, iphrojekthi yabo ehlangene, eyalo mbhangqwana kuphela. Bese ngifuna ukuyinikeza abanye, ngithi: “Bheka ukuthi sikwenze kahle kanjani, masenze okufanayo!”. Kodwa le phrojekthi ngeke ivumelane nabanye, ngoba umbhangqwana ngamunye unothando lwawo.
Kuvela ukuthi udinga ukuzibuza ukuthi "ingabe lolu uthando?", Kodwa okunye ...
Ngikuthola kuwusizo ukubuza imibuzo enjengokuthi: Ingabe ngikahle nomlingani wami? Kuthiwani ngaye nami? Yini esingayenza ukuze siqondane kangcono, ukuze sihlale ndawonye ngokuthakazelisayo? Bese-ke ubudlelwano bungaphuma endleleni yemibono nemiyalelo, futhi ukuphila ndawonye kuzoba uhambo olujabulisayo olugcwele izinto ezitholakele.