Ingabe i-altruism imbi? Izizukulwane ezineminyaka engaphezu kuka-35 nangaphezulu zifundiswe ngale ndlela: izifiso zabanye abantu zibaluleke kakhulu kunezazo. Kodwa udokotela wengqondo kanye nomelaphi womndeni banombono ohlukile ngempilo yalabo abafuna ukusiza wonke umuntu futhi bazikhohlwe ngokwabo ekuphishekeleni "ukwenza okuhle." Ungazithola kanjani kabusha futhi uguqule isimo esiyingozi sokuzinikezela okuphelele?
“Kunabathanda ubulili bobubili - abantu abalwela ukusiza wonke umuntu kunoma yisiphi isimo. Bebodwa, ngaphandle kwezenzo zabo, abazizwa bebalulekile, ”kubhala uValentina Moskalenko, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esineminyaka engu-2019, encwadini ethi “I Have My Own Script” (Nikeya, 50). - Abantu abanjalo bavame ukuxhashazwa - emsebenzini nasemndenini.
Kukhona amantombazane amahle, azwelayo futhi anozwela ashada namadoda abathandayo bese besaba la madoda: babekezelela amandla abo okubusa, sicela kukho konke, futhi bathole ukungahlonishwa nokuthukwa ngokubuyisela. Kukhona abayeni abamangalisayo, abahlakaniphile futhi abakhathalelayo abahlangana nabesifazane ababandayo, abangenangqondo, ngisho nosizi endleleni yabo. Ngangazi indoda eyayishade izikhathi ezine, futhi bonke abakhethiwe bayo babeyimilutha yotshwala. Ingabe kulula?
Kodwa zonke lezi zimo zingabikezelwa okungenani, futhi okungenani - zixwayiswe. Ungakwazi ukulandela amaphethini. Futhi le mithetho engabhalwanga izalwa ebuntwaneni, lapho sakhiwe njengabantu ngabanye. Asiyithathi imibhalo emakhanda ethu - siyayibheka, idluliselwa kithi ngendlela yezindaba zomndeni nezithombe.
Sitshelwa ngesimilo neziphetho zokhokho bethu. Futhi lapho sizwa kubabikezeli benhlanhla mayelana nesiqalekiso somndeni, thina, yiqiniso, asikholelwa kulawa magama ngokoqobo. Kodwa, eqinisweni, lokhu kwakheka kuqukethe umqondo wesimo somndeni.
UValentina Moskalenko uyaqiniseka: “Ukuhlukumezeka ngokomzwelo nezimo zengqondo ezingalungile kungatholakala nasemkhayeni oyisibonelo, lapho kwakukhona ubaba nomama abanothando. Kuyenzeka, akekho ophelele! Umama obandayo ngokomzwelo, ukuvinjelwa kwezikhalazo, izinyembezi, futhi ngokuvamile imizwa enamandla kakhulu, akukho lungelo lokuba buthakathaka, ukuqhathanisa njalo nabanye njengendlela yokugqugquzela ingane. Ukungahloniphi umbono wakhe kumane nje kuwukungena okuncane kwalowo mfula omkhulu, ogelezayo wezinto ezinobuthi ezakha umuntu.
Izimpawu ze-codependency
Nazi izimpawu lapho i-codependence iyabonakala. Basikiselwa odokotela bengqondo uBerry noJenny Weinhold, kwathi uValentina Moskalenko washiwo okokuqala encwadini:
- Ukuzizwa uncike kubantu
- Ukuzizwa uvaleleke ebudlelwaneni obululazayo, obulawulayo;
- Ukuzenyeza;
- Isidingo sokuvunyelwa njalo nokusekelwa kwabanye ukuze ube nomuzwa wokuthi konke kukuhambela kahle;
- Isifiso sokulawula abanye;
- Ukuzizwa ungenamandla okushintsha noma yini ebudlelwaneni obunezinkinga obukucekela phansi;
- Isidingo sotshwala / ukudla / umsebenzi noma ezinye izivuseleli ezibalulekile zangaphandle eziphazamisa okuhlangenwe nakho;
- Ukungaqiniseki kwemingcele engokwengqondo;
- Ukuzizwa njengomfel' ukholo
- Ukuzizwa njenge-jester;
- Ukungakwazi ukuzwa imizwa yokusondelana kweqiniso nothando.
Ngamanye amazwi, ukufingqa konke lokhu okungenhla, umuntu ozimele ugxile ngokuphelele ekulawuleni ukuziphatha kothandekayo, futhi akanandaba nhlobo nokwanelisa izidingo zakhe siqu, kusho uValentina Moskalenko. Abantu abanjalo bavame ukuzibona njengezisulu - zabanye, izimo, isikhathi nendawo.
Umbhali ucaphuna uJoseph Brodsky: “Isimo somuntu ohlukunyeziwe asinaso ukukhanga. Uvusa uzwelo, endow ngomehluko. Futhi wonke amazwe namazwekazi ajabulela izaphulelo zengqondo ezivezwa njengokwazi komuntu ohlukunyeziwe…”.
I-Codependency Scenarios
Ngakho-ke ake sibheke ezinye zezimpawu zemibhalo ye-codependency futhi sibheke "ikhambi".
Isifiso sokulawula ukuphila kwabanye. Amakhosikazi ancikene ndawonye, abayeni, omama, obaba, odadewabo, abafowabo, izingane bayaqiniseka ukuthi bangaphansi kokubusa phezu kwakho konke. Uma kunezinxushunxushu embusweni wabo, yilapho beba nesifiso sokugcina amandla. Bazi kangcono kunanoma ubani ukuthi amanye amalungu omndeni kufanele aziphathe kanjani, futhi aphile ngempela.
Amathuluzi abo: izinsongo, ukuncenga, ukuphoqelela, iseluleko esigcizelela ukungabi namandla kwabanye. "Uma ungangeni kule nyuvesi, uzophula inhliziyo yami!" Besaba ukulahlekelwa ukulawula, bona, ngokuxakayo, bona ngokwabo bawela ngaphansi kwethonya labathandekayo.
Ukwesaba ukuphila. Izenzo eziningi zabantu abathembele ku-codependents zigqugquzelwa ukwesaba - ukungqubuzana neqiniso, ukulahlwa nokulahlwa, izehlakalo ezimangalisayo, ukulahlekelwa ukulawula ukuphila. Ngenxa yalokho, ukungezwani kubonakala, i-petrification yomzimba nomphefumulo, ngoba ngandlela-thile umuntu kufanele aphile ngaphansi kwezimo zokukhathazeka njalo, futhi igobolondo iyindlela engcono kakhulu yalokhu.
Noma imizwa ihlanekezelwe: inkosikazi ethembele kuye ifuna ukuba nomusa, uthando, ukuthamba, futhi ngaphakathi intukuthelo yakhe nokucasukela umyeni wayo. Futhi manje intukuthelo yakhe ngokungazi ishintsha ibe ukuqhosha, ukuzethemba, kuchaza u-Valentina Moskalenko.
Intukuthelo, icala, ihlazo. Oh, lena imizwelo “eyintandokazi” yabaxhomekeki! Intukuthelo ibasiza ukuba baqhelelane nomuntu okunzima ukwakha ubuhlobo naye. "Ngithukuthele - kusho ukuthi uzohamba!" Abazithukutheleli bona - bathukuthele. Abacasuki — ngumuntu obakhubekisayo. Akubona ababangela ukuqhuma kwemizwelo yabo, kodwa omunye umuntu. Kuvela kubo lapho ungezwa khona incazelo yokuhlukunyezwa ngokomzimba - "Ungicasule!".
Bebaneka, bayakwazi ukushaya enye noma baphule okuthile. Bahlakulela kalula ukuzizonda, kodwa bakuveze komunye. Kodwa thina ngokwethu sihlale siba umthombo wemizwa yethu. Njengoba singathanda ukudlulisa "inkinobho ebomvu" yokusabela kwethu komunye.
“Thina odokotela bengqondo sinalo mthetho: uma ufuna ukuqonda ukuthi umuntu uzizwa kanjani ngaye, lalela ngokucophelela, ngaphandle kokuphazamisa, lokho akushoyo ngabanye abantu. Uma ekhuluma ngenzondo ngawo wonke umuntu, uziphatha ngendlela efanayo, "kubhala u-Valentina Moskalenko.
Inkinga yokusondelana. Ngokusondelana, umbhali wencwadi uyabuqonda ubudlelwano obufudumele, obuseduze, obuqotho. Azigcini nje ngokusondelana ngokobulili. Ubudlelwano phakathi kwabazali nezingane, phakathi kwabangane bungaba obuseduze. Futhi ngalokhu, abantu abavela emindenini engasebenzi banezinkinga. Abazi ukuthi bavula kanjani, noma, sebevule, bona ngokwabo besaba ubuqotho babo futhi babaleke noma "bashaya i-backhand" ngamagama, bedala isithiyo. Futhi ngakho ungadlula kuzo zonke izimpawu. Kodwa kanjani ukuphuma ezimweni ezinobuthi?
Ikhambi le-codependency
Izazi zokusebenza kwengqondo azinikezi iseluleko - zinikeza imisebenzi. UValentina Moskalenko unikeza imisebenzi eminingi enjalo encwadini. Futhi ukuzivocavoca okufanayo kungenziwa ngokuvumelana nazo zonke izimpawu ze-codependency ozitholile kuwe. Ake sinikeze izibonelo ezithile.
Zivocavoce kwabaphumelele. Izingane zifuna ukutuswa kwabazali bazo, futhi lokhu kuvamile, kusho isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo. Kodwa lapho bengatholi ukudunyiswa, kwakheka imbobo emphefumulweni wabo. Futhi bazama ukugcwalisa le mbobo ngezimpumelelo. Benza "ezinye izigidi" ukuze nje banikeze i-workaholic yabo yangaphakathi ukuzihlonipha okuthile.
Uma usola ukuthi impilo yakho isibe umjaho wokuphumelela, uma usenethemba lokuthola ukuqashelwa nothando kulo mkhakha othile, bhala amagama ambalwa mayelana nezindawo zokuphila kwakho lapho lo mkhuba ubonakale khona. Futhi zinjani izinto namuhla? Funda okwenzekile. Zibuze: ingabe lo mphumela uwukukhetha kwami?
Ukuzivocavoca kokuvikela ngokweqile. Uma usola ukuthi unesidingo sokukhathalela abanye ngokweqile ukuze uthole ukwamukelwa nothando, bhala izici zokuphila kwakho lapho lesi sifiso sazibonakalisa khona. Ingabe uyaqhubeka unakekela abanye ngisho kwamanje lapho bona bengakwazi ukubhekana nezinkinga zabo futhi bengakubizi ukuze uthole usizo? Babuze ukuthi yiluphi uxhaso abaludinga kuwe? Uzomangala ukuthi isidingo sabo ngawe senziwe ihaba kakhulu nguwe.
Ukuzivocavoca kwabahlukumezekile. Phakathi kwalabo abaphuma emindenini enezinkinga, kukhona labo umuzwa wabo wokuzethemba nesithunzi ulingana ngokuqondile nobukhulu bokuhlupheka nobunzima obehlele. Kusukela ebuntwaneni, baye baphathwa ngaphandle kwenhlonipho, imibono nezifiso zabo azilutho. “Hlala neyami, uzophikisa!” kumemeza ubaba.
Ukuthobeka nesineke akhuthazelela ngakho ukuhlupheka kuvumela ingane ukuba iphile ngokuphepha — «ayigibeleli emgwaqeni, kodwa ikhala buthule ekhoneni,” kuchaza uValentina Moskalenko. Ukukhuthazela esikhundleni sokuthatha isinyathelo kuyisimo salezo “zingane ezilahlekile” esikhathini esizayo.
Uma unomuzwa wokuthi uthambekele esu elinjalo lokuziphatha, esikhundleni sesisulu ukuze uzuze ukwamukelwa nothando, chaza ukuthi lizibonakalise kanjani futhi ngayiphi indlela. Uphila futhi uzizwa kanjani manje? Ingabe ufuna ukuhlala esimweni samanje noma ufuna ukushintsha okuthile?