Abesifazane bavikela ilungelo labo lokuba nesizungu, bayakwazisa futhi bahlupheke ngenxa yaso. Kunoma yikuphi, babona isizungu njengesimo esiphoqelelwe ... esingase sisetshenziswe ukuze kuzuze bona.
Sezidlulile izinsuku zamantombazane aqotho nezalukazi ezinenhliziyo ephukile. Isikhathi sama-Amazons ebhizinisi, akhokhela ngesizungu ngomsebenzi ophumelelayo kanye nesikhundla esiphakeme, sesidlulile.
Namuhla, abesifazane abahlukene bangena esigabeni sabangashadile: labo abangenabani nhlobo, amakhosikazi amadoda ashadile, omama abadivosile, abafelokazi, uvemvane abesifazane abandizayo besuka kwezothando baye kwezothando ... Banokuthile abafana ngakho: isizungu sabo ngokuvamile akuwona umphumela. yokuzikhethela.
Isikhathi somzwangedwa singaba nje ikhefu phakathi kwamanoveli amabili, noma singahlala isikhathi eside, kwesinye isikhathi impilo yonke.
“Akukho okuqinisekile ekuphileni kwami,” kuvuma uLyudmila, 32, isikhulu sezindaba. - Ngiyayithanda indlela engiphila ngayo: Nginomsebenzi othokozisayo, abangane abaningi kanye nabantu engibajwayele. Kodwa ngezinye izikhathi ngichitha impelasonto ekhaya, ngizitshela ukuthi akekho umuntu ongithandayo, ukuthi akekho ongidingayo.
Kwesinye isikhathi ngithola injabulo enkululekweni yami, bese ithathelwa indawo yi-melancholy kanye nokuphelelwa ithemba. Kodwa uma umuntu engibuza ukuthi kungani ngingenamuntu, kuyangicasula, futhi ngivikela ngokuqinile ilungelo lami lokuba ngedwa, nakuba empeleni ngiphupha ngivalelisa kuye ngokushesha ngangokunokwenzeka.
Isikhathi sokuhlupheka
“Ngiyesaba,” kuvuma uFaina, oneminyaka engu-38, umsizi womuntu siqu womqondisi. “Kuyathusa ukuthi konke kuzoqhubeka njengoba kwenzeka futhi akekho umuntu ozoke angiqhamuke ngize ngiguge.”
Ukwesaba kwethu okuningi kuyifa elibonwa ngokungagxeki lomama bethu, ogogo bethu, kanye nokhokho bethu. “Inkolelo yabo yokuthi owesifazane uzizwa enesizungu esikhathini esidlule yayinesisekelo esingokomnotho,” kusho isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo yomkhaya u-Elena Ulitova. Kwakunzima kumuntu wesifazane ukuzondla yedwa, ngingasayiphathi eyakubo.
Namuhla, abesifazane bazimele ngokwezomnotho, kodwa sivame ukuqhubeka nokuqondiswa umqondo weqiniso elifundwa ebuntwaneni. Futhi siziphatha ngokuhambisana nalo mbono: ukudabuka nokukhathazeka kuqala, futhi ngezinye izikhathi ukusabela kwethu kuphela kwesizungu.
U-Emma, 33, useneminyaka eyisithupha yedwa; ekuqaleni wayehlushwa ukukhathazeka okuphikelelayo: “Ngivuka ngedwa, ngihlezi ngedwa nenkomishi yami yekhofi, angikhulumi namuntu ngize ngifike emsebenzini. Ubumnandi obuncane. Kwesinye isikhathi uzizwa sengathi usukulungele ukwenza noma yini ukuze uqedele. Bese uyajwayela."
Uhambo lokuqala lokuya endaweni yokudlela kanye ne-cinema, iholide lokuqala lilodwa ... ukunqoba okuningi kwanqoba amahloni namahloni abo.
Indlela yokuphila iyashintsha kancane kancane, manje eyakhiwe ngokuzungezile. Kodwa ibhalansi ngezinye izikhathi iyasongelwa.
UChristina oneminyaka engu-45 uthi: “Ngihlezi ngedwa, kodwa konke kuyashintsha uma ngingena othandweni ngaphandle kokubuyelana. “Ngibe sengihlushwa ukungabaza futhi. Ingabe ngizohlala ngedwa kuze kube phakade naphakade? Futhi ngani?"
Ungabheka impendulo yombuzo othi "kungani ngingedwa?" labo abaseduze. Bese ufinyelela iziphetho emazwini anjengokuthi: "Mhlawumbe ufuna kakhulu", "Kungani ungayi ndawo?"
Ngezinye izikhathi zivusa imizwa yecala ekhuliswa “ihlazo elicashile,” ngokusho kukaTatyana oneminyaka engu-52 ubudala: “Abezindaba basibonisa iqhawekazi elincane njengesibonelo sowesifazane ongashadile. Muhle, uhlakaniphile, ufundile, ukhuthele futhi uyakuthanda ukuzimela kwakhe. Kodwa empeleni, akunjalo. "
Ukuphila ngaphandle komlingani kunenani lako: kungaba lusizi futhi kungabi nabulungisa
Phela, owesifazane ongashadile usongela ukuzinza kwemibhangqwana ezungezile. Emndenini, uphathiswe umthwalo wokunakekela abazali abadala, nasemsebenzini - ukuvala izikhala kuye. Esitolo sokudlela, uthunyelwa etafuleni elibi, futhi eminyakeni yokuthatha umhlalaphansi, uma "indoda endala" isengakwazi ukukhanga, khona-ke "ugogo" uhlakazeka ngokuphelele. Ingasaphathwa iwashi biological.
“Masikhulume iqiniso,” kunxusa uPolina oneminyaka engu-39 ubudala. - Kuze kube ngamashumi amathathu nanhlanu, ungaphila kahle kakhulu wedwa, uqala amanoveli ngezikhathi ezithile, kodwa umbuzo wezingane uphakama kakhulu. Futhi sibhekene nokukhetha: ukuba ngumama ongayedwa noma ukungabi nabantwana nhlobo.
Isikhathi sokuqonda
Kungalesi sikhathi lapho abanye besifazane befika esinqumweni sokubhekana nabo, ukuze bathole isizathu esibavimbela ekwakheni ubuhlobo besikhathi eside. Ngokuvamile kuvela ukuthi lokhu ukulimala kwasebuntwaneni. Umama owafundisa amadoda ukuthi angathenjwa, ubaba ongekho noma izihlobo ezinothando ngokungaboni...
Ubudlelwano babazali budlala indima enkulu lapha.
Isimo sengqondo sowesifazane omdala sokuhlala ndawonye nomlingani sithonywa isithombe sikayise. “Kuvamile ukuba ubaba abe ‘mubi’ nomama abe neshwa,” kuphawula umhlaziyi weJungian uStanislav Raevsky. "Njengoba isikhulile, indodakazi ayikwazi ukwakha ubuhlobo obuqinile - noma iyiphi indoda kuyo kungenzeka imelane noyise, futhi ngokuzenzakalelayo izombona njengomuntu oyingozi."
Kodwa noma kunjalo, into eyinhloko imodeli yomama, isazi se-psychoanalyst uNicole Fabre uyaqiniseka: "Lesi yisisekelo lapho sizokwakha khona imibono yethu mayelana nomndeni. Ingabe umama wayejabule njengombhangqwana? Noma ingabe wahlupheka, esilahlekisela (egameni lokulalela izingane) ekuhlulekeni lapho yena ngokwakhe ehluleka khona?
Kodwa ngisho nothando lwabazali aluqinisekisi injabulo yomkhaya: lungabeka iphethini okunzima ukulifanisa, noma libophe owesifazane ekhaya labazali bakhe, okwenza kungenzeki ukuhlukana nomkhaya wabazali bakhe.
“Ngaphandle kwalokho, kulula kakhulu futhi kulula ukuhlala endlini kababa,” kunezela isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uLola Komarova. — Owesifazane uqala ukuhola futhi uphilela ukuzijabulisa kwakhe, kodwa ngesikhathi esifanayo akanasibopho ngowakhe umndeni. Eqinisweni, usemusha noma eseneminyaka engu-40.” Intengo yokunethezeka iphezulu — kunzima ukuthi «amantombazane amakhulu» adale (noma alondoloze) umndeni wawo.
I-Psychotherapy isiza ukukhomba izithiyo engazi lutho eziphazamisa ubudlelwano.
UMarina oneminyaka engu-30 wanquma ukuthatha lesi sinyathelo: “Ngangifuna ukuqonda ukuthi kungani ngibheka uthando njengomlutha. Ngesikhathi sokwelashwa, ngakwazi ukubhekana nezinkumbulo ezibuhlungu zendlela ubaba ayenonya ngayo, futhi ngaxazulula izinkinga zami namadoda. Kusukela lapho, ngibheka isizungu njengesipho engizinikeza sona. Ngiyazinakekela izifiso zami futhi ngihlala ngixhumana nami, esikhundleni sokuhlakazeka ngibe othile.
Isikhathi sokulinganisa
Lapho abesifazane abangashadile beqonda ukuthi umzwangedwa awuyona into abayikhethayo, kodwa futhi akuyona into eyenzeka kubo ngaphandle kwentando yabo, kodwa umane nje bazinikela bona, baphinde bathole ukuzihlonipha nokuthula.
“Ngicabanga ukuthi akufanele sihlobanise igama elithi ‘isizungu’ nokwesaba kwethu,” kusho uDaria oneminyaka engu-42 ubudala. “Lesi isimo esikhiqiza ngendlela engajwayelekile. Lokhu kusho ukuthi ungabi wedwa, kodwa ekugcineni uthole isikhathi sokuba nawe. Futhi udinga ukuthola ibhalansi phakathi kwakho kwangempela kanye nesithombe sakho se-«I», njengoba nje ebuhlotsheni sifuna ukulingana phakathi kwethu nomlingani. Udinga ukuzithanda wena. Futhi ukuze uzithande, udinga ukukwazi ukuzithokozisa, uzinakekele, ngaphandle kokunamathela ezifisweni zomunye umuntu.
U-Emma ukhumbula izinyanga zokuqala zomzwangedwa wakhe: “Isikhathi eside ngaqala amanoveli amaningi, ngishiya indoda ngeya kwenye. Ngaze ngabona ukuthi ngigijimisa umuntu ongekho. Eminyakeni eyisithupha edlule ngaqasha ifulethi ngedwa. Ekuqaleni kwakunzima kakhulu. Ngezwa sengathi ngithwalwa umsinga futhi akukho engingancika kukho. Ngathola ukuthi angazi lutho ngalokho engangikuthanda ngempela. Kwadingeka ngihambe ngiyozihlangabeza, futhi ngizithole - injabulo engavamile.
UVeronika oneminyaka engu-34 ubudala ukhuluma ngokuphana kuye: “Ngemva kweminyaka eyisikhombisa ngishadile, ngahlala iminyaka emine ngingenaye umngane womshado—futhi ngathola kimi ukwesaba okuningi, ukumelana, ubuhlungu, ukuba sengozini okukhulu, umuzwa omkhulu wecala. Futhi futhi amandla, ukubekezela, umoya wokulwa, kuyoba. Namuhla ngifuna ukufunda ukuthanda nokuthandwa, ngifuna ukuveza injabulo yami, ukuphana ... "
Yilokhu kuphana nokuvuleleka labo ababajwayele abesifazane abangashadile abaye bazithola benake: “Impilo yabo ijabulisa kangangokuthi cishe ikhona indawo yomunye umuntu kuyo.”
Isikhathi sokulinda
Abesifazane abangabodwana balinganisela phakathi kwesizungu-ukuzijabulisa kanye nokuhlupheka-nesizungu. Lapho ecabanga ukuhlangana nothile, u-Emma uyakhathazeka: “Ngibacindezela kakhulu amadoda. Nginezothando kodwa uma kukhona okungahambi kahle ngiyabuqeda ngoba angisakwesabi ukuba ngedwa. Okuxakayo ukuthi ukuba ngedwa kungenze ngangabi nangqondo futhi ngihlakaniphe. Uthando akuseyona inganekwane."
U-Alla, oneminyaka engu-39, oseneminyaka emihlanu engashadile, uthi: “Ubuhlobo bami obuningi besikhathi esidlule buye baba inhlekelele. - Nganginamanoveli amaningi ngaphandle kokuqhubeka, ngoba ngangifuna umuntu "ozongisindisa". Futhi ekugcineni ngabona ukuthi lokhu akulona nhlobo uthando. Ngidinga obunye ubudlelwano obugcwele impilo nezindaba ezijwayelekile. Ngaziyeka ezothando engangifuna kuzona, ngoba isikhathi ngasinye lapho ngiphuma kuzo ngangihlukumezeka nakakhulu. Kunzima ukuphila ngaphandle kobubele, kodwa ukubekezela kuyazuzisa.”
Ukulindela okuzolile komngane ofanelekayo yilokho kanye uMarianna oneminyaka engu-46 akulwelayo: “Sengineminyaka engaphezu kweyishumi ngingashadile, futhi manje ngiyaqonda ukuthi ngangisidinga lesi sizungu ukuze ngizithole. Ekugcineni ngibe umngane kimi, futhi angibheke phambili kakhulu ekupheleni kwesizungu, kodwa ebuhlotsheni bangempela, hhayi iphupho futhi hhayi inkohliso.
Abesifazane abaningi abangashadile bakhetha ukuhlala bengashadile: besaba ukuthi ngeke bakwazi ukubeka imingcele nokuvikela izithakazelo zabo.
"Bangathanda ukuthola kumlingani wakho kokubili ukuhlonishwa kwabesilisa, nokunakekelwa komama, nokugunyazwa kokuzimela kwabo, futhi kunokungqubuzana kwangaphakathi lapha," u-Elena Ulitova wabelana ngalokho akubonile. “Lapho lokhu kungqubuzana sekuxazululiwe, abesifazane baqala ukuzibheka kahle futhi banakekele izithakazelo zabo, bese behlangana namadoda abangakha nawo ukuphila ndawonye.”
UMargarita oneminyaka engu-42 uyavuma: - Kuyaphoqeleka, ngoba ngifuna indoda empilweni yami, kodwa ngokuzithandela, ngoba ngeke ngimlahle ngenxa yanoma yimuphi umlingani. Ngifuna uthando, lweqiniso noluhle. Futhi lokhu ukukhetha kwami: Ngithatha ubungozi bokuthi ngingahlangani namuntu nhlobo. Ngizivumela lokhu okunethezeka: ukufuna ngenkani ebudlelwaneni bothando. Ngoba ngifanele.”