Uke waqaphela ukuthi uvame ukuhlahle amehlo futhi uyabhuqa kakhulu lapho ukhuluma nophathina wakho? Lezi zimpawu zokudelela ezibonakala zisobala aziyona ingozi. Ukubonisa ukungamhloniphi umlingani kuyisici esibi kakhulu sesehlukaniso.
Ukushukuma komzimba ngezinye izikhathi kucacile kunamazwi futhi kuveza isimo sengqondo sangempela kumuntu ngaphandle kwentando yethu. Sekuyiminyaka engu-40 manje, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo emndenini uJohn Gottman, uprofesa wezengqondo eNyuvesi yaseWashington (Seattle), kanye nozakwabo befunda ngobudlelwano babalingani emshadweni. Ngendlela abashadile abaxoxa ngayo, ososayensi baye bafunda ukubikezela ukuthi umshado wabo uyohlala isikhathi eside kangakanani. Mayelana nezimpawu ezine eziyinhloko zesehlukaniso esisondelayo, uJohn Gottman awabiza ngokuthi "Abamahhashi Abane Be-Apocalypse", sitshele lapha.
Lezi zimpawu zihlanganisa ukugxeka njalo, ukuhoxiswa kozakwethu, nokuzivikela okunolaka ngokweqile, kodwa aziyona ingozi njengezinkulumo zokunganaki, lezo zimpawu ezingezona zamagama ezenza kucace ukuthi omunye wabalingani ucabangela omunye ongaphansi kwakhe. Ukubhuqa, ukuthuka, ukupequlula amehlo, indida… Okusho ukuthi, yonke into ethinta ukuzethemba kozakwethu. NgokukaJohn Gottman, lena inkinga enkulu kunazo zonke ezine.
Ungafunda kanjani ukuqukatha ukunganakwa nokuvimbela isehlukaniso? Izincomo eziyisikhombisa ezivela kochwepheshe bethu.
1. Qaphela ukuthi konke kumayelana nokwethulwa kolwazi
“Inkinga akuyona into oyishoyo, kodwa indlela owenza ngayo. Umlingani wakho uzwa indelelo yakho ngokugigitheka, ukuthuka, ukuklolodela, uhlahle amehlo futhi uphefumulele phezulu. Ukuziphatha okunjalo konakalisa ubuhlobo, kulimaze ukwethembana, futhi kuholela ekuwohlokeni komshado kancane kancane. Umgomo wakho uwukuzwakala, akunjalo? Ngakho-ke kuzomele ulethe umyalezo wakho ngendlela ezozwakala futhi ingabhebhethekisi ingxabano.” - UChristine Wilke, umelaphi womndeni e-Easton, ePennsylvania.
2. Susa umusho othi "anginandaba!" kusukela kumagama akho
Ngokusho amazwi anjalo, empeleni utshela umngane wakho ukuthi ngeke umlalele. Uyaqonda ukuthi konke akhuluma ngakho akunandaba nawe. Empeleni, leyo yinto yokugcina esifuna ukuyizwa kozakwethu, akunjalo? Ukuboniswa kokunganaki (ngisho noma ngokungaqondile, lapho ukudelela kubonakala kuphela ebusweni nasekushukumeni komzimba) kuqeda ubuhlobo ngokushesha. - U-Aaron Anderson, umelaphi womndeni eDenver, eColorado.
3. Gwema ukubhuqa namahlaya amabi
Gwema ukugconwa nokuphawula ngomoya wokuthi “indlela engikuqonda ngayo!” noma "oh, lokho bekuhlekisa kakhulu," kusho ithoni ye-caustic. Yehlisa inani lozakwethu namahlaya acasulayo ngaye, okuhlanganisa nobulili bakhe (“Ngingasho ukuthi ungumfana”). – LeMel Firestone-Palerm, Family Therapist.
Uma uthi umlingani wakho unehaba noma wenza ngokweqile, kusho ukuthi imizwa yakhe ayibalulekile kuwe.
4. Ungaphili esikhathini esedlule
“Imibhangqwana eminingi iqala ukungahloniphi lapho inqwabelanisa izinsolo ezincane. Ukuze ugweme ukunganakwa okuhlangene, udinga ukuhlala okwamanje futhi ngokushesha wabelane ngemizwa yakho nomlingani wakho. Ingabe awenelisekile ngokuthile? Isho ngqo. Kodwa futhi vuma ukuba yiqiniso kwamazwi ozakwethu akusho kuwe - khona-ke engxabanweni elandelayo cishe ngeke uqiniseke ukuthi uqinisile. – UJudith noBob Wright, ababhali bencwadi ethi The Heart of the Fight: A Couple’s Guide to 15 Common Fights, Ukuthi Bakusho Ukuthini Ngempela, nokuthi Bangakuhlanganisa Kanjani Izimpi Ezivamile, Ukuthi Zisho Ukuthini Ngempela, nokuthi Bangakusondeza Kanjani, I-New Harbinger Publications, 2016).
5. Qaphela ukuziphatha kwakho
“Uke ubone ukuthi ujwayele ukuqhweba noma uklolode ulalele isithandwa sakho, lokhu kuwuphawu lokuthi kunezinkinga ebudlelwaneni. Thola ithuba lokuphumula komunye nomunye, ikakhulukazi uma isimo sishisa, noma zama ukugxila ezicini ezinhle zokuphila kwakho, kulokho okuthandayo ikakhulukazi kumlingani wakho. -Chelli Pumphrey, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo eselulekwa eDenver, eColorado.
6. Ungalokothi utshele umlingani wakho ukuthi: "Unehaba."
“Uma uthi othandekayo wakho unehaba noma wenze ngokweqile, kusho ukuthi imizwa yakhe ayibalulekile kuwe. Esikhundleni sokummisa ngegama elithi "uthatha kakhulu enhliziyweni", lalela umbono wakhe. Zama ukuqonda ukuthi yiziphi izizathu zokusabela okunzima kangaka, ngoba imizwa ayiveli kanjalo. — Aaron Anderson.
7. Uke wazibona udelela? Thatha ikhefu futhi uphefumule kakhulu
“Zibekele umsebenzi wokuthola ukuthi kuyini ukudelela, kuyini. Bese uthola ukuthi kubonakala kanjani ebuhlotsheni bakho. Lapho uzwa isifiso sokwenza noma ukusho okuthile okululazayo, donsa umoya futhi ngomoya ophansi uthi, “Yima.” Noma thola enye indlela yokumisa. Ukubonisa ukungahloniphi kuwumkhuba omubi, njengokubhema noma ukuluma izinzipho. Faka umzamo futhi ungawunqoba." - UBonnie Ray Kennan, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo eTorrance, eCalifornia.