Ukuzimela: ukukhetha ongazi lutho?

Bavikela ilungelo labo lokuzimela noma bakhononde ngokuthi abahlangani namuntu. Yini ngempela eshayela abesifazane abangashadile? Yiziphi izizathu ezingashiwongo zesizungu eside? Kungaba khona ibanga elikhulu ngisho nokungqubuzana phakathi kwezimemezelo nezisusa ezijulile. “Izizungu” zikhululekile ngezinga elingakanani ekukhetheni kwazo? Ama-Psychoanalyst abelana ngemicabango yawo mayelana nezixakaxaka zokusebenza kwengqondo yabesifazane.

UCarolyn Eliacheff: Izinkulumo zethu ngokuvamile azihambisani nezifiso zethu zangempela ngoba izifiso eziningi azinangqondo. Futhi ngokuphambene nalokho abesifazane abaningi abakuvikela ngokuqinile, labo engikhuluma nabo bayavuma ukuthi bangathanda ukuhlala nomlingani futhi babe nezingane. Abesifazane banamuhla, njengamadoda, ngendlela, bakhuluma ngemibhangqwana futhi bathemba ukuthi ngolunye usuku kuzovela umuntu ozothola naye ulimi oluvamile.

U-Alain Waltier: Ngiyavuma! Abantu bahlela impilo enesizungu ngenxa yokungabi nayo engcono. Uma owesifazane eshiya indoda, wenza kanjalo ngoba ebona lingekho elinye ikhambi. Kodwa akabheke ngabomvu ukuthi uzohlala kanjani yedwa. Ukhetha ukuhamba, umphumela uba isizungu.

KE: Nokho abanye besifazane abeza kimi benesifiso sokuthola umaqondana bathola ohlelweni lokwelapha ukuthi bafaneleka kakhulu ukuhlala bodwa. Namuhla kulula ngowesifazane ukuba yedwa ngoba ujabulela ukulawula ngokuphelele isimo. Ukuzimela okuthe xaxa owesifazane anakho, ukulawula okwengeziwe futhi kuba nzima ukuba akhe ubuhlobo nomlingani, ngoba lokhu kudinga ikhono lokukhulula amandla. Kudingeka ufunde ukulahlekelwa okuthile, ungazi nokuthi uzozuzani ngokubuyisela. Futhi kwabesifazane banamuhla, umthombo wenjabulo ukulawula, hhayi ukuvumelana okudingekayo ukuze uhlale nomuntu. Babenamandla amancane kakhulu okulawula emakhulwini eminyaka adlule!

AV: Impela. Kodwa empeleni, bathonywa ukusekelwa kobuntu emphakathini kanye nokumenyezelwa kokuzimela njengenani eliyisisekelo. Abantu abanesizungu bangamandla amakhulu kwezomnotho. Babhalisela ama-fitness club, bathenge izincwadi, bahambe ngomkhumbi, baye e-cinema. Ngakho-ke, umphakathi unentshisekelo yokukhiqiza abangashadile. Kepha isizungu sinophawu lokungazi, kodwa olucacile lokuxhumana okuqinile nomndeni kababa nomama. Futhi lokhu kuxhumana okungazi lutho ngezinye izikhathi akusishiyi inkululeko yokwazi othile noma ukuhlala siseduze naye. Ukuze ufunde ukuthi ungahlala kanjani nomlingani wakho, udinga ukuya kokuthile okusha, okungukuthi, wenze umzamo futhi uhlukane nomndeni wakho.

KE: Yebo, kufanelekile ukucabanga ukuthi isimo sengqondo sikamama ngendodakazi yakhe sithinta kanjani ukuziphatha kokugcina esikhathini esizayo. Uma umama engena kulokho engikubiza ngokuthi ubudlelwano bokulala nendodakazi yakhe, okungukuthi, ubuhlobo obungabandakanyi umuntu wesithathu (futhi ubaba eba ngowokuqala ongabaliwe), kuzoba nzima endodakazini ukwethula noma ubani impilo yakhe - indoda noma ingane. Omama abanjalo abayidluliseli endodakazini yabo ithuba lokwakha umndeni noma ikhono lokuba ngumama.

AV: Ngikhumbula isiguli, lapho ngiseyingane, satshelwa ngunina ukuthi, «Wena uyindodakazi kayihlo yangempela!» Njengoba aqaphela ngesikhathi sokuhlaziywa kwengqondo, lokhu kwakuyisihlamba, ngoba ukuzalwa kwakhe kwaphoqa unina ukuba ahlale nendoda engathandeki. Wabona neqhaza lamazwi kanina ayelidlalile ekubeni nesizungu. Bonke abangani bakhe bathola omaqondana, wasala yedwa. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, abesifazane kungenzeka bazibuze ukuthi hlobo luni lwe-adventure lolu - ubudlelwano besimanje. Uma owesifazane ehamba, abalingani banekusasa elihlukile. Yilapho isayensi yezokuhlalisana kwabantu iqala khona ukusebenza: umphakathi ubekezelela amadoda, futhi amadoda aqala ubudlelwano obusha ngokushesha okukhulu.

KE: Ukuquleka nakho kunendima. Ngabona ukuthi lapho ubuhlobo buhlala iminyaka eminingi bese kushona owesifazane, indoda iqala ubuhlobo obusha ezinyangeni eziyisithupha ezizayo. Izihlobo zithukuthele: aziqondi ukuthi ngale ndlela ukhokha intela ebuhlotsheni ayenabo ngaphambili futhi kwakumnandi ngokwanele ukuba asheshe abe nesifiso sokuqala okusha. Indoda ithembekile emcabangweni womndeni, kanti owesifazane uthembekile endodeni ahlala nayo.

AV: Abesifazane basalindele inkosana ebukekayo, kanti emadodeni ngaso sonke isikhathi owesifazane ubeyindaba yokushintshana. Kuyena nakuye, umzimba nengqondo zidlala indima ehlukile. Indoda ifuna uhlobo lowesifazane ofanelekayo ngezimpawu zangaphandle, njengoba ukukhangwa kwabesilisa kushukunyiswa ikakhulukazi ukubukeka. Ingabe lokhu akusho ukuthi kwabesilisa, abesifazane ngokuvamile bayashintshana?

KE: Eminyakeni engu-30 edlule, amakhasimende eza kumelaphi ngoba ayengamtholi umuntu angahlala naye. Namuhla beza ukuzozama ukusindisa ubudlelwano. Amabhangqa akhiwa ngokucwayiza kweso, ngakho-ke kunengqondo ukuthi ingxenye ebalulekile yawo ahlukane ngokushesha. Umbuzo wangempela ukuthi ungabunweba kanjani ubuhlobo. Ebusheni bakhe, intombazane ishiya abazali bayo, iqala ukuhlala yodwa, ifunde futhi, uma ifunwa, yenza abathandi. Ube esekha ubuhlobo, abe nengane noma ababili, ngokunokwenzeka adivose, futhi akashadile iminyaka embalwa. Ube eseshada futhi akhe umndeni omusha. Angase abe umfelokazi, abese ehlala yedwa futhi. Injalo impilo yomuntu wesifazane manje. Abekho abesifazane abangashadile. Ikakhulukazi amadoda angashadile. Ukuphila impilo yonke uwedwa, ngaphandle komzamo owodwa wobudlelwane, kuyinto engavamile. Futhi izihloko zephephandaba ezithi “Onobuhle abaneminyaka engu-30 ubudala, abasha, abahlakaniphile nabangashadile” zibhekisela kulabo abangakawuqali umndeni, kodwa abazokwenza, nakuba kamuva kunonina nogogo babo.

AV: Namuhla kukhona nabesifazane abakhala ngokuthi awasekho amadoda. Eqinisweni, bahlale belindele kumlingani lokho angakwazi ukukunikeza. Balindele uthando! Futhi anginaso isiqiniseko sokuthi yilokho esikuthola emndenini. Ngemva kweminyaka eminingi kangaka yokuzijwayeza, namanje angazi ukuthi luyini uthando, ngoba sithi «thanda imidlalo yasebusika», «thanda la mabhuzu» futhi «thanda umuntu» ngendlela efanayo! Umndeni kusho ukuxhumana. Futhi kulokhu kuxhumana akukho ubudlova obuncane kunobumnene. Yonke imindeni idlula esimweni sempi ebandayo futhi kumele yenze imizamo eminingi yokuphetha isivumelwano. Kuyadingeka ukugwema ukuqagela, okungukuthi, ukunikeza umlingani leyo mizwa wena ngokwakho ohlangabezana nayo ngokungazi. Ngoba akukude nokuveza imizwa ukujikijela izinto zangempela. Ukuhlala ndawonye kudinga ukufunda ukwehlisa ububele nolaka. Lapho siqaphela imizwa yethu futhi sikwazi ukuvuma ukuthi umlingani wethu usenza sibe novalo, ngeke sikuphendule isizathu sokuhlukanisa. Abesifazane abanobudlelwane obunezinxushunxushu kanye nesehlukaniso esibuhlungu ngemva kwabo badlula ekuhluphekeni kusengaphambili, okungase kuvuswe, futhi bathi: "Ngeke ngiphinde."

KE: Kungenzeka ukwenqaba ukuqagela kuphela uma sikwazi ukuhlala sodwa ngezinga elithile ebudlelwaneni bethu. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi sihlala nomuntu noma sodwa, kuyadingeka ukuba sikwazi ukuba sodwa. Yilokhu abanye besifazane abangakwazi ukukumela; kubo, umkhaya usho ubunye obuphelele. “Ukuzizwa uwedwa uma uhlala nomuntu akukubi nakakhulu,” basho futhi bakhethe isizungu esiphelele. Ngokuvamile, baba nomuzwa wokuthi ngokuqala umkhaya, balahlekelwa kakhulu kunamadoda. Ngokungazi, wonke umuntu wesifazane uphethe okwedlule kwabo bonke abesifazane, ikakhulukazi umama wakhe, futhi ngesikhathi esifanayo uphila impilo yakhe lapha namanje. Eqinisweni, kubalulekile ukuthi abesilisa nabesifazane bakwazi ukuzibuza ukuthi yini oyifunayo. Lezi yizinqumo okufanele sihlale sizithatha: ukuthola umntwana noma cha? Hlala ungashadile noma uhlale nothile? Hlala nomlingani wakho noma umshiye?

AV: Kungenzeka ukuthi siphila esikhathini lapho ukuhlukana kulula ukukucabanga kunokwakha ubuhlobo. Ukwakha umndeni, udinga ukwazi ukuhlala wedwa futhi ngesikhathi esifanayo ndawonye. Umphakathi usenza sicabange ukuthi ukuntula kwaphakade okuthile okungokwemvelo ohlangeni lwesintu kungashabalala, ukuthi singathola ukwaneliseka okuphelele. Khona-ke ukwamukela kanjani umqondo wokuthi konke ukuphila kwakhiwe yedwa futhi ngesikhathi esifanayo ukuhlangana nomuntu onjengawe kungase kuwufanele umzamo, ngoba lesi yisimo esihle sokufunda ukuhlala ndawonye nomunye umuntu onezici zakhe siqu? Ukwakha ubudlelwano kanye nokuzakhela thina yinto eyodwa: kusebudlelwaneni obusondelene nomuntu lapho okuthize kudalwe futhi kucijwe ngaphakathi kwethu.

KE: Inqobo nje uma sithola umaqondana ofanelekayo! Abesifazane, umndeni owawuzosho ukugqilazwa kubo, bathole amathuba amasha futhi bawasebenzise. Ngokuvamile laba ngabesifazane abanesiphiwo abangakwazi ukuzinikela ngokuphelele ekuzuzeni impumelelo yomphakathi. Babeka ithoni futhi bavumele abanye abangenaso isiphiwo esincane ukuba bagijimele ekuphuleni umthetho, ngisho noma bengazitholi izinzuzo ezinjalo lapho. Kodwa ekugcineni, ingabe sikhetha ukuhlala sodwa noma nothile? Ngicabanga ukuthi umbuzo wangempela wamadoda nabesifazane banamuhla uwukuthola ukuthi yini abangazenzela yona kulesi simo abakuso.