“Akazifuni izingane. Kungaba kanjani?

“Ngesikhathi ngiqala ukutshela umyeni wami ukuthi ngifuna umntwana, wenza sengathi akangizwanga. Okwesibili waphendula wathi, "Yeka ukukhuluma umbhedo, akuhlekisi!" Ngemva kwemizamo eyishumi nambili, ngabona ukuthi kwakungesona isiyaluyalu noma ihlaya, kodwa ngaqhubeka ngenqaba.

Njalo lapho sibona owesifazane okhulelwe noma inqola yengane emgwaqweni, ubuso bakhe babubonisa ingxubevange yokunengeka nomuzwa wecala. Nokho ngizamile ukumqonda. Ngangiqiniseka ukuthi, lapho ngingena ezweni lokwesaba kwakhe, ngangisakwazi ukumkholisa ukuba avume.

UMaria oneminyaka engu-30 ubudala wayeqinisile, ethembela ekucabangeni kwakhe. Kunezizathu eziningi zokuthi kungani indoda ingafuni ukuba ubaba, futhi uma uzama ukuyiqonda, ungaphoqa umlingani ukuba ashintshe umqondo wakhe.

amazwi enkuthazo

I-ecology embi, ifulethi elincane, izinkinga ngomsebenzi… Zonke lezi zingxabano zingabhekwana nazo. Ngokuvamile kwanele ukuchazela umlingani, ngisho nokho oqinile, ukuthi into ebaluleke kakhulu enganeni ukuthandwa.

Isinyathelo esilandelayo siwukuthonya ukulindela kukababa wesikhathi esizayo, ukumqinisekisa ukuthi uma umkhethile, khona-ke uqinisekile ukuthi uyakwazi ukwenza ingane ijabule.

“Ngokushesha lapho ingane ifika, valelisa ezidlweni zakusihlwa zothando nezimpelasonto ezingalindelekile. Esikhundleni salokho, udinga ukuvuka ebusuku lapho umntwana egula, umyise esikoleni njalo ekuseni, ngamafuphi - impilo yasekhaya ngama-slippers. Cha ngiyabonga!"

Uma umlingani wakho esaba ukulahlekelwa inkululeko yakhe, mchazele ukuthi ukufika kwengane ngeke kuguqule impilo yansuku zonke ibe yijele uma ihlelwe kahle.

Ngakho uSofia oneminyaka engu-29 ubudala wakholisa umyeni wakhe uFedor: “Ngathola umzanyana ngisho nangaphambi kokuba u-Ian akhulelwe. Futhi lapho ingxoxo ithinta imali, waphinda wathi sobabili siyasebenza, okusho ukuthi ngeke kudingeke siyeke imikhuba yethu eminingi ... Ingasaphathwa eyomzanyana ohamba phambili nokhululekile - umama singakwazi ngokuphelele.

Noma kunjalo: yini eyethusa amadoda amaningi? Umthwalo wemfanelo. Besaba ukuthi ngeke bafinyelele ezingeni futhi bakhathazeke ngomcabango "wokuhluleka" ukuhlolwa kobaba. Lokhu kwesaba kunganqotshwa kanjani? Yeka ukwenza idrama.

Ukukhathazeka kuzodlula ngokushesha noma kamuva, njengezinganekwane eziningi zentsha eziphela ngokukhula.

Esinye isizathu esivamile ukwesaba ukuguga. UMark oneminyaka engu-34 ubudala uvinjelwe ngazo zonke izindlela zokushintsha umbhangqwana wabo oshadile: "Kimi, ukuba umzali kusho ukushiya uMark kuMark Grigoryevich. Lapho u-Ira engitshela ukuthi ufuna umntwana, ngashaywa uvalo. Lokhu kuwubuntwana, ngiyaqonda, kodwa into yokuqala eyafika engqondweni ukuthi manje kuzodingeka ngilahle iVolkswagen Karmann engiyithandayo futhi ngishayele imoto encane!

Passion yindlela yethu

Kufanele libe yini ikhambi? Ukukhombisa labo abangabazayo ukuthi kungenzeka ukuba ubaba futhi ungayeki ubusha nokuthandwa ngesikhathi esisodwa. Mbhalele abangane abathathe lesi sinyathelo esibalulekile futhi bakwazi ukuzigcina bebodwa.

Futhi ungase futhi ukhuthaze u-narcissism wakhe ngokuphikisana ngokuthi ukuba ubaba kuzomenza athandeke kakhulu: phela, abesifazane bayancibilika futhi bajabule phambi kwendoda enengane.

Dlala ngothando lwakhe. “Bengingafuni ukumphoqa ukuthi enze noma yini. Uvele waphakamisa ukuthi yonke into kufanele ixazululwe ngokwemvelo. Wayeka ukusebenzisa izinto zokuvimbela inzalo, futhi sase sikhulelwe ngaphandle kokushintsha ukuphila komkhaya. Ngakhulelwa ngemva kweminyaka emibili, futhi umyeni wami wajabula lapho ethola ukuthi ngikhulelwe,” kusho uMarianna oneminyaka engu-27.

Izenzakalo ezimbili ezingokomfanekiso

Amadoda, njengo-Dmitry oneminyaka engu-40 ubudala, abathembi abesifazane ababa ngumama. “USofia uthe ufuna umntwana ngemuva kwezinyanga ezintathu siqale ukuthandana. Bengicabanga ukuthi kuningi kakhulu!

Lapho eneminyaka engu-35 ubudala, wayesekwazi kakade “ukukitazwa” kwewashi lakhe lemvelo, futhi ngazizwa ngivaleleke. Futhi wamcela ukuthi alinde. Ngempela, ngokuvamile abesifazane abenza umsebenzi wokuziphilisa bachitha sonke isikhathi sabo emsebenzini ukuze lapho beneminyaka engu-40 "bavuke" futhi bethuke, bengesabi bona kuphela, kodwa futhi nabayeni babo.

Futhi nasi esinye isimo esivamile: amadoda asevele enezingane zomshado wawo wokuqala aqunywa icala ngenxa yokucabanga ukuthi "angaba" nenye ingane. Abakwazi ukuhlelela inzalo entsha kuyilapho izibulo lakhe likhulela kude.

Bafanisa isehlukaniso nokulahla izingane. Ezimweni ezinjalo, ungajahi. Mnikeze isikhathi sokuzwa ngokugcwele «ukulila» komshado wakhe wangaphambili futhi aqaphele ukuthi ushiye umkakhe kuphela, kodwa hhayi izingane.

Uma owesilisa ekhomba nengane

“Yenza lokhu kuhlola okulandelayo: buza umama ukuthi uyosindisa bani kuqala uma kuba nozamcolo: umyeni wakhe noma ingane yakhe. Uzophendula ngokuzenzakalelayo: "Ingane, ngoba ingidinga kakhulu." Yilokhu okungicasula kakhulu.

Ngifuna ukuhlala nowesifazane ozongisindisa! Umcabango wokuthi kuzofanele ngihlanganyele umfazi nengane, nakuba naye engowami, uyangihlanyisa, kuvuma uTimur oneminyaka engu-38 ubudala. “Yingakho ngingabafuni abantwana: Angiyithandi nhlobo indima yokweseka.”

Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uMauro Mancha siphawula ngala mazwi: “Yonke into iba nzima nakakhulu uma umyeni eqala ukuthatha indawo yendodana yakhe ngokomfanekiso. Ebona ubuhlobo bakhe nowesifazane ngokuthi «umama nendodana», ngeke abekezelele enye ingane phakathi kwabo. Futhi ebuhlotsheni obunjalo be-pathological, inkinga ye-disclaimer ivela futhi. Ibuyela ngokomzwelo esimweni somntwana, indoda ngeke ikwazi ukuthwala umthwalo wemfanelo ongokwemvelo kumuntu omdala.

Ezingeni elifanayo le-neurotic yilabo, lapho kuzalwa ingane, baphinde baphile "ubutha bobuzalwane" basendulo - ukuncintisana nomfowabo omncane ukuze banakekelwe abazali. Ngokufika komntwana, amadoda anjalo azizwa enqatshiwe futhi elahliwe, njengasebuntwaneni, futhi awakwazi ngisho nokuwubekezelela umcabango wokuthi kufanele aphinde aphile lesi senzakalo.

Inkimbinkimbi ye-Oedipus engaxazululiwe nayo iyisizathu sokungafuni ukuba ubaba. Kufike lapho owesilisa ephelelwa amandla ngenxa yokuthi kungenzeka abe ngumama womkayo. Akakwazi ukwenza uthando kumuntu wesifazane onaka amanabukeni nokuncelisa ibele kuphela.

Ngoba umama wakhe uluthando lwakhe lokuqala, kodwa lolu thando aluvumelekile futhi lubhekwa njengokulala kwezihlobo. Uma owesifazane wakhe eba ngumama, ubuhlobo naye buzobuyela ohlakeni lokuhlangana kwezihlobo, into enqatshelwe, indoda engeke isayifuna.

Okunye okuhlukile kwenkinga ye-Oedipal: ukuhlukunyezwa kwe-phallic nowesifazane, umama onamandla onke. Ngakho, ukuba nengane kusho ukudlulisela kuye ukulingana okungokomfanekiso kwe-phallus, okungukuthi, amandla namandla. Ukwenqaba ukwenza kanjalo kuwuku "thena" wakhe.

Ngokusobala, lezi zinhlobo ezimbili zokwehluleka okuchazwe zinzima kakhulu ukuxazulula, inkinga evela kuyo inkulu kakhulu futhi ijulile. Ungazama ukuhlakaza okwesikhashana ukuze ubeke yonke into endaweni yayo.

Ngezinye izikhathi ikhefu elinjalo lingakuvumela ukuba uphinde uphakamise umbuzo wezizathu zokuqala zokwenqaba, kodwa kunengozi yokuthi ekugcineni indoda izobhekana nokuzalwa kwengane kabi uma engenzi kuqala ukuhlaziya okujulile kwengqondo. kwesimo naye.

Mhlawumbe okuwukuphela kwendlela ephumelelayo yokuzungeza lokhu "cha kuyise" ukukholisa umlingani ngesidingo sokwelashwa.

Lapho okwedlule kuvala umnyango wokuba ubaba

Ukwenqaba kukaBoris oneminyaka engu-37 kuwujuqu: “Ukuphela kwento engiyikhumbulayo ngobaba ukushaywa, unya nenzondo. Kusihlwa ngalala, ngiphupha ukuthi uzonyamalala empilweni yami. Ngo-16 ngahamba ekhaya angiphindanga ngambona. Kakucabangeki ukuthi ngilethe umntwana emhlabeni, ngingesaba ukumveza kulokho mina ngokwami ​​engihlutshwa yikho.

UPavel oneminyaka engu-36, kunalokho, wahlushwa ukungabi khona kukababa ekuphileni kwakhe esemncane: “Ngakhuliswa umama, omalumekazi nogogo. Ubaba wasishiya ngineminyaka emithathu ubudala. Ngangimkhumbula kakhulu. Angikholelwa ekuphileni komndeni kuze kube sekufeni. Kungani kufanele ngibe nengane nomuntu wesifazane engingase ngidivose ngokusobala ngingaphinde ngimbone?

Kodwa kuDenis oneminyaka engu-34 ubudala, ukwenqaba kuhluke ngokuphelele: “Ngazalwa ngenhlanhla, kubazali abangazange bangibone. Ngakho-ke kungani kufanele, nginesipiliyoni esinjena, ngibe nengane?

Kunzima kulamadoda ukungena ezikhundleni zobaba. Umqondo wokuba ubaba uyabaphoqa ukuthi baphinde bavuselele ubuhlobo babo obubi noyise. Endabeni yesikhathi esidlule esinjalo, kuyingozi ukuphikelela.

Ukuthi uzakwethu uzolokotha yini ekwelapheni futhi ahlaziye isimo ukuze ahlole izinkinga zakhe ezingakaxazululeki futhi athole ukhiye ongamvulela umnyango wokuba ubaba ozolile kukuye.

Ungalokothi ufinyelele umgomo ngokukhohlisa

Umqondo wokumisa ukulawulwa kokuzalwa ngaphandle kokucela umbono womlingani futhi ngaleyo ndlela wenze umqondo "ngengozi" awuzwakali njengohlanya kwabesifazane abaningi.

Noma kunjalo: ingabe owesifazane unelungelo lokwenza isinqumo esinjalo yedwa?

“Lokhu kuwuphawu lwe-partogenesis: ukungafuni ukuhlanganyela kwendoda ezindabeni zokuzala,” kusho isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uCorradina Bonafede. "Abesifazane abanjalo babonisa ukuba namandla onke komama."

Ukungazinaki isifiso somuntu ngale ndlela kuwukumkhohlisa nokubonisa ukungamhloniphi. Ngemva kwesenzo esinjalo, ingozi yokuthi indoda izoshiya umndeni ngemva kokuzalwa kwengane ebekwe kuye iyanda kakhulu.

Khona-ke, kuthiwani enganeni esikhathini esizayo esiseduze? “Ubaba ubengakufuni, yimina okwenze wakhulelwa? Akunjalo, ngoba ingane iwumphumela wothando lwabantu ababili, hhayi oyedwa.

Ingabe ngempela indoda enqabayo?

Uqinisekile ukuthi ngumyeni ongafuni izingane, hhayi wena ngokwakho? Futhi ingabe ngephutha uzithela kulolu hlobo lwamadoda njalo? Ngokuvamile abalingani abanjalo bawukubonakaliswa kwesimo sengqondo esibi mayelana nokuba ngumama kowesifazane ngokwakhe.

“Ngafuna ingane kumyeni wami, ngazi ukuthi uzonqaba. Ekujuleni komphefumulo wami, ngangingafuni izingane, imibono yomphakathi nabangane, beholwa ngumama wami, bangicindezela. Kunokuba ngivume imizwa yami, ngacasha ngenxa yokwenqaba komyeni wami,” kuvuma uSabina oneminyaka engu-30.

U-Anna oneminyaka engu-30 waba nokusabela okufanayo ngesikhathi belashwa umndeni. “Omunye wemisebenzi kwakuwukuhlaziya izithombe ezahlukene zomagazini. Mina nomyeni wami kwakudingeka sikhethe lezo zithombe, ngokuqonda kwethu, ezixhumene kakhulu nezingane, umndeni, njll.

Ngazithola ngingazelele ngikhetha izithombe eziphazamisayo: ingane ekhubazekile, ubuso besalukazi obugcwele izinyembezi, umbhede wasesibhedlela… Ngabona ukuthi ngangixakwe yizithombe zokufa. Ekugcineni ngakwazi ukukhuluma ngokwesaba kwami ​​ukubeletha, ukwesabeka kombono wokuthi ngingaletha emhlabeni ingane ekhubazekile ngokomzimba noma egula kakhulu. Eqinisweni, ngaveza okwami ​​ukungabaza ukuba ngumama kumyeni wami.