Okuqukethwe
Ukubeka ingcindezi emizweni yecala, ukudlala isisulu, ukubeka izimo… Noma yimuphi umpetha we-NLP uzoba nomona ngeqoqo “lezamukeli” ezithile zokukhulisa umzali. Ukukhohlisa kuhlale kuwuphawu lobudlelwano obungenampilo lapho bobabili bengajabulile: kokubili umkhohlisi kanye nesisulu. Ubuhlakani bemizwa buzosiza ingane endala ukuthi iphume esimweni esijwayelekile.
Njenganoma yimuphi umgembuli ongathembekile, umkhohlisi usebenzisa ngokunenzuzo isikhundla sakhe ukuze azuze ngesisulu. Ukubala kuhlale kunzima: uma sibhekana nemizwa enamandla, silahlekelwa ikhono lokucabanga ngokujulile.
Uma abazali bedlala ngokungathembeki, isimo sinzima nakakhulu: ngemva kwakho konke, sakhuliswa kulo "mdlalo". Futhi nakuba sesinesikhathi eside singabantu abadala, ukukhohlisa kuyinto evamile kithi. Nokho, uma ungakhululekile ebuhlotsheni bakho nabazali bakho, kunengqondo ukuqonda izizathu zalokhu. Misa ukukhohlisa, uma kunjalo, ukwazi ngempela.
Okokuqala udinga ukuqaphela ukuthi bazama ukulawula imizwa yakho. I-Emotional intelligence (EI) isiza ukuqaphela imizwa yomuntu siqu kanye nezinhloso zabanye, ukuchaza ngokucacile imingcele yomuntu siqu.
Wazi kanjani uma abazali bakho bekuphatha kabi?
Qala ukulandelela imizwa yakho ngemva kokuxhumana nayo. Uma uhlezi uhlangabezana nemizwa yokuhlazeka noma yecala, uwela ohlakeni, ulahlekelwe ukuzethemba, khona-ke cishe ngokuqinisekile uyasetshenziswa.
Yiziphi izinhlobo ezivame kakhulu zokuxhaphaza kwabazali?
- Ukukhohlisa umuzwa wemfanelo kanye necala
Uma wenza lokhu (ungakwenzi engikufunayo), uyindodana (noma indodakazi embi).” Lena enye yezinhlobo ezivame kakhulu zokukhohlisa.
Ebuntwaneni, abazali bayisibonelo kithi: babonisa okuhle nokubi, okwamukelekayo nokungamukeleki. Sizizwa sinecala uma sephula imingcele ebekwe abazali bethu, futhi bayasilahla.
Lapho umuntu ekhula, abazali abasakwazi ukulawula izinqumo nezenzo zakhe. Futhi kubenza bazizwe bekhathazekile. Baba nesizotha uma indodana noma indodakazi yenza lokho ecabanga ukuthi kulungile. Ngakho-ke, abadala baphinde basebenzise indlela efakazelwe: babeka umuzwa wecala kwabancane.
Indodana noma indodakazi esekhulile iyesaba ukulimaza abazali bayo futhi ibuyela endleleni abavumelana ngayo: ingena enyuvesi ekhethwe ngumama noma uyise, ayishiyi umsebenzi wayo ongathandwayo, kodwa ozinzile. Ukukhwabanisa kwecala kuvame ukusenza senze izinqumo ezingezona ezilungele thina.
- Ukukhwabanisa Ubuthakathaka
“Ngeke ngikwazi ukukwenza ngaphandle kosizo lwakho.” Lolu hlobo lokukhwabanisa luvame ukusetshenziswa omama abangabodwa bezingane ezikhulile, empeleni, bethatha isikhundla somntwana obuthakathaka. Badinga usizo kukho konke - kusukela ezindabeni zezomnotho nezasekhaya kuye ekuxazululeni ubudlelwano nomakhelwane.
Uma izicelo zokwenza okuthile okunzima ngempela kubazali ukubhekana nazo ziphenduka izikhalazo ezingapheli, lokhu kuwukukhohlisa. Abazali bazizwa bekhohliwe futhi bengafunwa futhi ngaleyo ndlela bafune ukunakekelwa nokunakwa. Ukuthi ingane, yebo, ibanika, kodwa ngokuvamile ngokulimaza izithakazelo zayo, isikhathi ayengasichitha nomndeni wakhe.
- Ukukhohlisa ngokululazeka
"Ngaphandle kwami awulutho futhi awulutho." Abazali abagunyazwe abajwayele ukucindezela ubuntu bomntwana bayaqhubeka benza kanjalo ngisho nalapho isikhulile. Ngakho-ke, bazisholo bona ngezindleko zomuntu obuthakathaka kakhulu. Phela, indodana noma indodakazi ihlale isencane, bayohlale benolwazi oluncane.
Ngokunokwenzeka, ingane izobekezelela ukungahloniphi ngenxa yomthwalo wemfanelo. Akunanzuzo kubazali abanjalo ukuthi ngempela uzuze okuthile ngokwakhe. Phela, khona-ke kuzodingeka uvume ukuthi ungumuntu ozimele ohlukile, futhi ngeke kusakwazi ukumlulaza.
Ngakho-ke, abazali bagxeka futhi balulaza noma yiziphi izimpumelelo zengane, ngaso sonke isikhathi zikhomba "indawo" yakhe futhi ngaleyo ndlela bamphuce ukuzimela nokuzethemba.
Yini okufanele uyenze uma abazali bakho bethambekele ekukulawuleni?
1. Bheka isimo sangempela
Uma uqaphela ukuthi esinye salezi zimo sifana nobuhlobo bakho nabazali bakho, kuyodingeka uvume iqiniso elingemnandi. Kubo, uyindlela yokuxazulula izinkinga zabo. Ngakho-ke bangathola ukunakwa, basuse ukukhathazeka noma isizungu, bazizwe bedingeka, bakhulise ukuzethemba.
Ngesikhathi esifanayo, kubaluleke kakhulu ukuba ungangeni ekucasukeni. Phela, abazali abazi ukuthi bakhulume kanjani futhi bafeze eyabo ngendlela ehlukile. Ngokunokwenzeka, bakwenza bengazi, bekopisha ukuziphatha kwabazali babo. Kodwa akudingekile ukuba wenze okufanayo.
2. Qonda ukuthi isimo sikuzuzise kanjani
Isinyathelo esilandelayo ukuqonda ukuthi usukulungele yini ukukhula ngokweqiniso futhi ngokwehlukana ngokwengqondo. Ezimweni eziningi, inzuzo yesibili yengane ebudlelwaneni obukhohlisayo inkulu kangangokuthi idlula ukungakhululeki kanye nemizwa engemihle. Isibonelo, umzali onegunya ululaza indodana noma indodakazi, kodwa ngesikhathi esifanayo usiza ngokwezimali, uvumela ukuba bangathathi umthwalo wemfanelo wokuphila kwabo.
Ungalawula kuphela labo abavumela ukuthi kwenziwe, okungukuthi, bavumelana ngamabomu indima yesisulu. Uma ushiya igeyimu, awukwazi ukukhohliswa. Kodwa inkululeko ibuye isho ukuthi ngeke usakwazi ukwethula umthwalo wakho wemfanelo nezinqumo zakho kubazali bakho.
3. Yeka izinto ezilindelwe
Uma usukulungele ukulwela inkululeko, zivumele kuqala ukuthi ungaphili ngendlela elindelwe muntu. Uma nje ucabanga ukuthi kufanele uvumelane nemibono yabazali bakho yokuhle nokulungile, uyozama ukuthola ukuvunyelwa kwabo. Ngakho-ke, ngokuphindaphindiwe ukunqotshwa ukukhohliswa futhi uphile impilo okungeyona eyakho.
Mbone ngeso lengqondo umzali okuphatha kabi, bese emtshela lokhu engqondweni: “Angisoze ngakufeza okulindele. Ngikhetha ukuphila impilo yami, hhayi eyakho.”
Lapho uzizwa unemizwelo enamandla engemihle ngemva kokuxoxa nomzali, futhi ngokwengqondo yisho: “Mama (noma baba), lobu ubuhlungu bakho, hhayi obami. Lokhu kumayelana nawe, hhayi ngami. Angizithatheli mina ubuhlungu bakho. Ngikhetha ukuba yimi.”
4. Yimele imingcele
Ingabe uzinike imvume yokuyeka ukuphila ngokuvumelana nalokho okulindele? Qhubeka uhlaziya indlela ozizwa ngayo lapho ukhuluma nabazali bakho. Ingabe sikhona isizathu sangempela sokubhekana nazo?
Uma uqonda ukuthi kunesizathu, cabanga ngokuthi yini ngempela ongayenzela abazali. Isibonelo, ukukubekela isikhathi esikahle sokuthi ukhulume noma uhlangane, noma usize ngokuthile okunzima kakhulu kubo. Uma singekho isizathu, khumbula ukuthi akufanele uhambisane nemibono yabo.
Beka imingcele futhi unamathele kuyo. Zinqumele ukuthi yini ongayenzela abadala bakho ngaphandle kokubandlulula izithakazelo zakho, nalokho okubona njengokugxambukela empilweni yakho. Bazise ukuthi yini engamukeleki ngokwengxenye kuwe, futhi ngomoya ophansi uphikelele ekuhlonipheni imingcele yakho.
Kungenzeka ukuthi umama noma ubaba okhohlisayo angase angakuthandi. Futhi bazozama ukukubuyisela esimweni esivamile. Kuyilungelo labo ukungavumelani nenkululeko yakho. Kodwa njengoba nje kungadingeki uphile ngokuvumelana nalokho umzali wakho akulindele, akudingekile ukuba aphile ngokuvumelana neyakho.
Mayelana Nonjiniyela
Evelina Levy – Emotional Intelligence Coach. Yena .