Okuqukethwe
Ukungathembeki kwabashadile kuyinto evamile. Ngokwezibalo, cishe amaphesenti angu-50 abantu akhohlisa abalingani. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo kwezenhlalakahle uMadeleine Fugar sithi kungenzeka ukunciphisa ingozi yokungathembeki ngokuhlolisisa ngokujulile umlingani ongase abe umlingani ngaphambi kokuqala ubuhlobo.
Ngisanda kuhlangana nomngane wami uMark. Uthe unkosikazi wakhe uyajola base behlukana. Ngacasuka: babebonakala beyizithandani ezivumelanayo. Kodwa, lapho ngizindla, ngafinyelela esiphethweni sokuthi ebuhlotsheni babo umuntu angabona izimpawu ezandisa ingozi yokungathembeki.
Naphezu kweqiniso lokuthi ukukopela kwenzeka kaningi, ungazivikela uma uthola umlingani ofanele. Ukuze wenze lokhu, phakathi nomhlangano wokuqala, udinga ukuhlola umuntu ojwayelene naye ngokuphendula imibuzo embalwa.
Ingabe ubukeka njengomuntu ongashintsha?
Lo mbuzo ubonakala ungenangqondo. Nokho, umbono wokuqala ungaba onembile impela. Ngaphezu kwalokho, kungenzeka ukunquma ukuthambekela kokukhaphela ngisho nasesithombeni.
Abesilisa nabesifazane abanamaphimbo amnandi banabalingani bocansi abaningi, maningi amathuba okuthi bakopele kwabashade nabo
Ngo-2012, kwenziwa ucwaningo lapho amadoda nabesifazane bakhonjiswa izithombe zabantu bobulili obuhlukile. Bacelwe ukuthi baqagele ukuthi maningi kangakanani amathuba okuthi umuntu osesithombeni uke wakhohlisa umaqondana esikhathini esedlule.
Abesifazane bacishe bangabaza lapho bekhomba amadoda angathembekile. Babekholelwa ukuthi ukubonakala kowesilisa kungenye yezimpawu ukuthi indoda ingashintsha. Amadoda anezihluku ngokuvamile angabangane bomshado abangathembekile.
Amadoda ayeqiniseka ukuthi abesifazane abakhangayo babekhohlisa abalingani babo. Kwavela ukuthi esimweni sabesifazane, ukukhanga kwangaphandle akubonisi ukungathembeki.
Ingabe unalo izwi elihehayo?
Izwi lingenye yezimpawu zokukhanga. Abesilisa bakhangwa amazwi aphezulu, abesifazane, kuyilapho abesifazane bekhangwa amazwi aphansi.
Ngaso leso sikhathi, amadoda asola abanikazi bezwi eliphakeme le-frivolity, futhi abesifazane bayaqiniseka ukuthi amadoda anezwi eliphansi angakwazi ukuvukela umbuso. Futhi lokhu okulindelekile kuyathetheleleka. Abesilisa nabesifazane abanamaphimbo amnandi banabalingani bobulili abaningi futhi maningi amathuba okuba bakhohlise abashade nabo. Kuyathakazelisa ukuchitha isikhathi nabo, kepha ubudlelwano besikhathi eside nabantu abanjalo buvame ukuphenduka ukudumala.
Abantu abazethembayo mancane amathuba okuthi bakopele ozakwethu kunalabo abanezinkinga zokuzethemba noma izimpawu ze-narcissism
Ingabe unezinkinga zotshwala nezidakamizwa?
Abantu abanotshwala, izidakamizwa noma ezinye izilutha bavame ukuphenduka abalingani abangathembekile. Ukulutha kukhuluma ngezinkinga zokuzithiba: uma umuntu esephuzile, usekulungele ukudlala ngothando nawo wonke umuntu ngokulandelana, futhi ngokuvamile ukudlala ngothando kugcina ngokusondelana.
Ungamthola kanjani umlingani ofanele?
Uma izimpawu zokungathembeki ezingase zibe khona zibonakala ngokushesha, khona-ke akulula ukuqonda ukuthi unomuntu ongajwayele ukuvukela umbuso.
Ingozi yokungathembeki iyancipha uma abalingani benemibono efanayo yenkolo kanye nezinga elilinganayo lemfundo. Uma bobabili abalingani besebenza, mancane amathuba okuthi kuzovela owesithathu ebudlelwaneni babo. Futhi ekugcineni, abantu abazethembayo mancane amathuba okuthi bakopele kubalingani kunalabo abanezinkinga zokuzethemba noma izimpawu ze-narcissism.
Ebudlelwaneni bamanje, izimpawu ezisohlwini azikhombi kangako. Ukuthi ukungathembeki kunamathuba amaningi kangakanani kuboniswa kangcono amandla obudlelwano. Uma ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, ukwaneliseka ngobudlelwano babo bobabili abalingani kunganciphi, khona-ke amathuba okukhaphela aphansi.
Mayelana nombhali: UMadeleine Fugar unguprofesa wezengqondo yezenhlalakahle e-Eastern Connecticut University kanye nomlobi we-Social Psychology of Attractiveness and Romance (Palgrave, 2014).