Encwadini ethi The Picture of Dorian Gray, u-Oscar Wilde wabhala: “Izingane ziqala ngokuthanda abazali bazo. Njengoba bekhula, baqala ukubahlulela. Kwesinye isikhathi bayabaxolela." Lokhu kwakamuva akulula kuwo wonke umuntu. Kuthiwani uma sigajwe yimizwa «enqatshelwe»: intukuthelo, intukuthelo, ukucasuka, ukudumazeka - ngokuphathelene nabantu abaseduze kakhulu? Indlela yokuqeda le mizwelo futhi kuyadingeka? Umbono wombhali ngokubambisana wencwadi ethi "Mindfulness and Emotions" uSandy Clark.
Lapho ichaza umthwalo ongokomzwelo abazali abawudlulisela ezinganeni zabo, imbongi eyiNgisi uPhilip Larkin yadweba isithombe esibonisa ukuhlukumezeka okuzuzwe njengefa. Kusenjalo imbongi igcizelele ukuthi abazali ngokwabo akumelanga basolwe ngalokhu: yebo balimaza umntwana wabo ngendlela ezinengi, kodwa ngoba bona bake bahlukuluzwa ngokukhuliswa kwabo.
Ngakolunye uhlangothi, abaningi bethu bazali "banikeze konke." Ngenxa yabo, sesiyilokho esesiyikho, futhi mancane amathuba okuthi singakwazi ukukhokha isikweletu sabo futhi sibakhokhele ngendlela efanayo. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, abaningi bakhula benomuzwa wokuthi baphoxiwe unina kanye/noma ubaba (futhi cishe abazali babo bazizwa ngendlela efanayo).
Kuyavunywa ukuthi singazizwa kuphela imizwa eyamukelekile emphakathini ngobaba nomama wethu. Ukuthukuthela nokucasulwa yibo akwamukelekile, imizwa enjalo kufanele icindezelwe ngazo zonke izindlela. Ungagxeki umama nobaba, kodwa wamukele - ngisho noma bake baphatha kabi futhi benza amaphutha amakhulu emfundweni. Kodwa lapho isikhathi eside siphika imizwa yethu, ngisho nengajabulisi kakhulu, kulapho le mizwa ikhula ngamandla futhi isigaqele.
Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo u-Carl Gustav Jung wayekholelwa ukuthi kungakhathaliseki ukuthi sizama kangakanani ukucindezela imizwelo engathandeki, ngokuqinisekile bazothola indlela yokuphuma. Lokhu kungazibonakalisa ekuziphatheni kwethu noma, okubi kakhulu, ngendlela yezimpawu ze-psychosomatic (njengokuqubuka kwesikhumba).
Into engcono kakhulu esingazenzela yona ukuvuma ukuthi sinelungelo lokuzwa noma yimiphi imizwa. Ngaphandle kwalokho, sizifaka engozini ngokwenza isimo sibe sibi. Yiqiniso, kubalulekile futhi ukuthi yini ngempela esizokwenza ngayo yonke le mizwa. Kuyasiza ukuzitshela ukuthi, «Kulungile, yile ndlela engizizwa ngayo - futhi nakhu ukuthi kungani» - bese uqala ukusebenza ngemizwa yakho ngendlela eyakhayo. Isibonelo, ukugcina idayari, ukuxoxa ngayo nomngane omethembayo, noma ukukhuluma ngokwelashwa.
Yebo, abazali bethu babenephutha, kodwa akekho osanda kuzalwa oza neziyalezo.
Kodwa ake sithi esikhundleni salokho siqhubeka nokucindezela imizwa yethu engemihle kubazali bethu: isibonelo, intukuthelo noma ukudumala. Amathuba mahle ukuthi njengoba le mizwa ilokhu ishaya ngaphakathi kithina, sizogxila kuphela emaphutheni umama nobaba abawenza, ukuthi basidumaze kanjani, kanye nephutha lethu ngenxa yale mizwa nemicabango. Ngamafuphi, sizobambelela ngezandla zombili emashwa ethu.
Ngemva kokukhipha imizwelo, ngokushesha sizobona ukuthi ayisashisi, iyabila, kodwa kancane kancane “isimo sezulu” futhi siyaba yize. Ngokuzinika imvume yokuveza lokho esikuzwayo, ekugcineni singawubona wonke umfanekiso. Yebo, abazali bethu babenephutha, kodwa, ngakolunye uhlangothi, cishe babezizwa bengafaneleki kanye nokungabaza kwabo—uma kuphela ngenxa yokuthi akukho siqondiso esinanyathiselwe kunoma yimuphi usana olusanda kuzalwa.
Kuthatha isikhathi ukuthi ingxabano ejulile ixazululwe. Imizwa yethu engalungile, engakhululekile, "emibi" inesizathu, futhi into eyinhloko ukuyithola. Sifundiswa ukuthi kufanele siphathe abanye ngokuqonda nangozwela—kodwa nathi ngokwethu. Ikakhulukazi kulezo zikhathi lapho sinesikhathi esinzima.
Siyazi ukuthi kufanele siziphathe kanjani nabanye, ukuthi kufanele siziphathe kanjani emphakathini. Thina ngokwethu sizishayela ohlakeni oluqinile lwezindinganiso nemithetho, futhi ngenxa yalokhu, ngesinye isikhathi asisaqondi ukuthi sizizwa kanjani ngempela. Sazi kuphela ukuthi “kufanele” sizizwe kanjani.
Lo mdonsiswano wangaphakathi usenza sihlupheke nathi. Ukuze uqede lokhu kuhlupheka, udinga nje ukuqala ukuziphathisa ngomusa ofanayo, ukunakekelwa nokuqonda ophatha abanye. Futhi uma siphumelela, mhlawumbe sizobona ngokuzumayo ukuthi umthwalo ongokomzwelo ebesiwuthwele sonke lesi sikhathi ube lula kancane.
Ngemva kokuyeka ukulwa nathi, ekugcineni siqaphela ukuthi abazali bethu noma abanye abantu esibathandayo abaphelele, okusho ukuthi thina ngokwethu akudingeki sihambisane nombono wesipoki.
Mayelana Nombhali: USandy Clark ungomunye wababhali beMindfulness and Emotion.