Okuqukethwe
Ukusondelana kweqiniso nobudlelwano obuqinile budinga umsebenzi wansuku zonke. Umbhangqwana oshadile wama-psychotherapist avela kokuhlangenwe nakho kwawo siqu - okomuntu siqu kanye nochwepheshe - uyazi ukuthi ungagcina kanjani uthando nokuthi yini ebalulekile okufanele uyinake ngesikhathi seholide.
Phakathi nenkathi kaNcibijane egcwele ukuhamba, ukuvakasha komndeni, izindleko ezengeziwe, nesidingo sokuzizwa bejabule futhi bejabule, ngisho nabashadile abajabule kakhulu bangadonsa kanzima.
UCharlie noLinda Bloom, odokotela bengqondo kanye nabeluleki bobudlelwano, baye bashada ngenjabulo kusukela ngo-1972. Baqiniseka ukuthi ubuhlobo bungumsebenzi ongapheli, futhi phakathi namaholide kubaluleke kakhulu. “Abantu abaningi bangaphansi kwethonya lezinganekwane zothando,” kuchaza uLinda, “futhi abakholelwa ukuthi kudinga umzamo omkhulu ukulondoloza ubuhlobo obujabulisayo. Bacabanga ukuthi kwanele nje ukuthola umuntu wakho. Kodwa-ke, ubudlelwane bungumsebenzi, kodwa umsebenzi wothando. Futhi ngaphezu kwakho konke, imayelana nokusebenza ngokwakho.”
Izindaba ezinhle ukuthi «ubudlelwano bamaphupho» bungenzeka - yebo, inqobo nje uma bobabili abantu bekwazi ngabo. "Unethuba elikhulu lokwakha ubudlelwano obufanele nomuntu onamandla namagugu aseduze nawe, osefinyelele ukuvuthwa ngokomzwelo futhi owabelana nokuzimisela kwakho ukwenza lo msebenzi," uqinisekile uCharlie. Yena noLinda bachaza ubuhlobo njengobuhle lapho bobabili abantu bejabulela khona isikhathi abasichitha ndawonye, bezizwa benokwethembana okuphezulu, futhi baqiniseka ukuthi izidingo zabo eziningi kumbhangqwana zizohlangatshezwana nazo.
Kodwa-ke, kungaba umsebenzi onzima izinsuku ezingama-365 ngonyaka ukuthola izinketho zokuhlangabezana nezidingo zozakwethu kanye nezethu. U-Linda no-Charlie banikeza amathiphu ayisithupha okuthuthukisa ubudlelwano phakathi namaholide nezinsuku zeviki.
1. Hlela kuqala
“Ngokuvamile, iningi lethu linikela ngawo wonke amandla ethu emsebenzini noma ezinganeni, futhi lokhu kuholela ekubhidlikeni kobuhlobo,” kusho uLinda. Phakathi nenkathi yamaholide, ukubeka kuqala kungase kube inselele ikakhulukazi, kodwa kubalulekile ukungalahlekelwa umbono womunye nomunye.
Ngaphambi kokuqala uchungechunge lokuvakashela umndeni nabangane, xoxani ngemizwa ngamunye wenu angaba nayo phakathi nalokhu kukhulumisana.
“Imizwa ingokwemvelo, kodwa akufanele ibangele umonakalo,” kuphawula uLinda. “Thola isikhathi nendawo ukuze niduduzane ngamazwi nangezenzo, nibonise uthando nokwazisa.”
“Qaphela kakhulu futhi ungamnaki umngane wakho womshado phakathi nemibuthano yomkhaya,” kunezela uCharlie. “Kulula ukuqala ukunganakwa uma kukhona abafuna ukunakwa wena.” Izenzo ezincane zokunakekela zibaluleke kakhulu.
2. Bekani eceleni isikhathi usuku nosuku ukuze nixhumane.
“Ukungena” kwansuku zonke kungase kubonakale kuwumsebenzi onzima ngesikhathi samaholide, lapho izinhlu zezinto okufanele zenziwe zinde kunangaphambili. Kodwa uCharlie noLinda bathi kubalulekile ukuzinika isikhathi sokukhuluma ngendlela enenjongo nomlingani wakho nsuku zonke.
“Abantu bavame ukuba matasa kangangokuba bangabi naso isikhathi sokuxoxa,” kukhala uLinda. "Kodwa kubaluleke kakhulu ukuthi uthathe ikhefu ebhizinisini futhi uxabane nsuku zonke." Thola indlela yokuhlola ukuthi yini esebenza kangcono kubabhangqwana bakho futhi usize ukugcina ukusondelana - ukwanga, ukuhamba nenja, noma ukuxoxa ngosuku oluzayo ngekhofi yasekuseni.
3. Hlonipha ukungezwani kwakho
Ukuqonda nokwamukela umehluko kuyingxenye ebalulekile yanoma ibuphi ubuhlobo, kodwa okunye kungase kubonakale ngokucijile kakhulu phakathi namaholide noma amaholide. Abantu abaningi abayongayo bazosabela ngendlela ehlukile ekukhethweni kwezipho kunalabo abahlukana nemali kalula. Ama-Extroverts angase alingeke ukuba abonakale kuyo yonke iphathi, kuyilapho abangenisi bengase bazizwe bekhathele.
Futhi lapho kunokungezwani khona, izingxabano azinakugwenywa, ezibangela intukuthelo nokucasuka. “Emsebenzini wethu, siyabona ukuthi abantu abaningi ababhekananga kahle nezimo ezinjalo,” kusho uLinda. — Bayazithoba, baqongelela ukucasuka, bayacasuka, babonise ukunganaki. Kodwa lapho sixoxa nemibhangqwana ejabulayo, sithola ukuthi laba bantu bayakuhlonipha ukungezwani kwabo. Bafunda ukukhuluma ngazo ngaphandle kokusola nokugxeka. Lokhu kudinga amandla angaphakathi nokuzithiba — ukwazi ukukhuluma iqiniso ukuze kungalimazi, ngobuhlakani nangokukhuluma.
4. Lalela futhi uvumele umlingani wakho akhulume
Ngesikhathi samaholide, amazinga okucindezeleka angakhuphuka hhayi kuphela ngenxa yokungezwani okuqoqwe emsebenzini, kodwa futhi ngenxa yokusebenza kwamandla omndeni. Ukuvakashela izihlobo kungase kubangele ukungezwani, njengoba kungase kube nomehluko ezindleleni zokukhulisa izingane.
“Kunzima ukumelana nesifiso sokuphazamisa othile, ukumlungisa, noma ukuzivikela,” kuphawula uCharlie. “Ukuzwa into engabekezeleleki, sifuna ukuqeda ubuhlungu, intukuthelo noma ukwesaba. Sifuna ukuthulisa omunye umuntu.”
UCharlie uyavuma ukuthi naye wabhekana nalokhu: “Ekugcineni, ngabona ukuthi imizamo yami yokususa intukuthelo yenza isimo saba sibi nakakhulu. Lapho ngibona indlela lokhu okwakumthinta ngayo uLinda, inhliziyo yami yagxumagxuma. Ngabona ukuthi imizamo yami yokuzivikela yamthinta kanjani.”
Ukuze ulalele umlingani wakho futhi ugweme ukuqubuka ngokushesha, uLinda unikeza ukuvala umlomo wakho ngokoqobo futhi uzibeke endaweni yomkhulumeli: “Zama ukuzizwa ngendlela efanayo nomuntu omthandayo. Beka imizwa yakho eceleni bese uzama ukuqonda omunye.”
UCharlie ukunxusa ukuba ume futhi uzibuze: ngangizizwa kanjani ngaphambi kokuba ngiphazamise lowo oxoxa naye? Uyalandisa: “Lapho ngisebenza nemibhangqwana, ngizama ukubasiza baqonde okwenzekayo ukuze abantu bakucabangele kakhudlwana okuhlangenwe nakho kwabo nendlela abasabela ngayo kulokho.”
Kodwa kungakhathaliseki ukuthi unenkinga yozwela noma umatasa uhlola izinto ezikubangelayo, zama ukunaka kakhulu umlingani wakho ngaphambi kokugxumela embonweni wakho. “Khumbula ukuthi ukulalela uthule akusho ukuthi uvumelana nakho konke okushiwoyo. Kodwa kubalulekile ukuvumela umlingani wakho azizwe sengathi umzwile ngaphambi kokunikeza umbono ohlukile,” kuchaza uCharlie.
5. Buza: “Ngingalubonisa kanjani uthando lwami kuwe?”
“Abantu bavame ukunikeza uthando ngendlela abafuna ukuyithola bona. Kodwa okujabulisa omunye kungase kungahambisani nomunye,” kusho uLinda. Ngokusho kwakhe, umbuzo ofanele kakhulu ongawubuza umlingani uthi: "Ngingalubonisa kanjani kangcono uthando lwami kuwe?"
Abelaphi bathi abantu babona ukubonakaliswa kothando ngezindlela ezinhlanu eziyinhloko: ukuthinta, isikhathi sekhwalithi ndawonye, amagama («Ngiyakuthanda», «Ubukeka kahle», «Ngiyaziqhenya ngawe»), usizo olusebenzayo (isibonelo, ukukhipha udoti noma ikhishi lokuhlanza ngemva kwesidlo sakusihlwa) kanye nezipho.
Yini eyosiza othandekayo ukuba azizwe ethandwa? Isiqephu sobucwebe noma igajethi entsha yobuchwepheshe obuphezulu? I-massage yakusihlwa noma impelasonto emibili? Ukuhlanza indlu ngaphambi kokufika kwezivakashi noma ikhadi elinomlayezo wothando? “Labo abakwaziyo ukwakha ubuhlobo obuhle bahlala benelukuluku lokufuna ukwazi futhi bayamangala,” kuchaza uLinda. "Bakulungele ukudalela lowo abamthandayo umhlaba wonke."
6. Siza umlingani wakho enze iphupho lakhe lifezeke
“Sonke sinamaphupho ayimfihlo esicabanga ukuthi awasoze agcwaliseka,” kusho uLinda, “kodwa uma othile esisiza ukuba agcwaliseke, ukuxhumana naye kuba nenjongo.”
UCharlie noLinda bakhuthaza ozakwethu ukuthi babhale phansi ukuthi ngamunye wabo uyibona kanjani impilo ekahle, enikeza amandla okucabanga. "Lawa maphupho akudingeki afane - vele uwahlanganise bese ubheka okufanayo."
Izazi zokusebenza kwengqondo ziyaqiniseka ukuthi lapho abantu bebukana ngokukholwa emandleni, amandla kanye nethalente ngalinye, kubahlanganisa. “Uma nisekelana ekufezeni iphupho, ubudlelwano buyajula futhi buthembeke.”
UCharlie ukholelwa ukuthi ubudlelwano obuhle buyi-1% ugqozi kanye nezithukuthuku ezingama-99%. Futhi nakuba kungase kube nezithukuthuku eziningi nakakhulu phakathi nenkathi yamaholide, ukutshala imali ebudlelwaneni obuseduze kuzokhokha kakhulu.
“Kunezinzuzo eziningi kunalokho ongakucabanga,” kuqinisekisa uLinda. Ubuhlobo obuhle bufana nendawo yokukhosela ibhomu. Ngobudlelwane obuqinile, obuseduze, unesivikelo kanye nensindiso ebunzimeni bangaphandle. Ukuzizwa unokuthula kwengqondo ngokuthandwa ngenxa yalokho oyikho kufana nokushaya i-jackpot.”