Mayelana izinzuzo «unrequited» uthando

kanjani futhi kungani luvela uthando «unrequited»?

Ngibeka leli gama ezimpawu zokucaphuna, ngoba, ngombono wami, alukho uthando olungavunyelwe: kukhona ukugeleza kwamandla phakathi kwabantu, kukhona ama-polarity - plus and minus. Lapho omunye ethanda, omunye ngokungangabazeki uyaludinga lolu thando, uyaluvusa, asakaze isidingo salolu thando, nakuba ngokuvamile engakhulumi, ikakhulukazi kulo muntu: ngamehlo akhe, isimo sobuso, ukuthinta komzimba.

Ukuthi nje onothando unenhliziyo evulekile, kuyilapho lowo «ongathandi», enqaba uthando, unezivikelo ngendlela yokwesaba noma izinkolelo ezingenangqondo, ezingenangqondo. Akazizwa uthando lwakhe nesidingo sokusondelana, kodwa ngesikhathi esifanayo unikeza izimpawu ezimbili: uyakhanga, uyakhanga, uyayenga.

Umzimba womuntu omthandayo, ukubukeka kwakhe, izwi, izandla, ukunyakaza, iphunga likutshela ukuthi: "yebo", "ngifuna wena", "Ngiyakudinga", "Ngizizwa kahle nawe", "Ngijabule". Konke lokhu kukunikeza ukuzethemba okuphelele ukuthi uyindoda «yakho». Kodwa ngokuzwakalayo, uthi, "Cha, angikuthandi."

Leli phethini elingenampilo livelaphi, okuyinto, ngokubona kwami, liyisici se-psyche engavuthiwe: ukubukela phansi futhi ukwenqaba labo abasithandayo, futhi bathande labo okungenzeka basenqabe?

Masikhumbule ubuntwana. Wonke amantombazane ayethandana nomfana oyedwa, umholi "opholile kakhulu", futhi bonke abafana babethandana nentombazane enhle kakhulu futhi engenakunqotshwa. Kodwa uma lo mholi ethanda intombazane ethile, wavele wayeka ukuba nentshisekelo kuyo: “Oh, awu, ... Uphethe isikhwama sami, uhamba ezithendeni zami, uyangilalela kukho konke. Abanamandla.» Futhi uma intombazane enhle kakhulu futhi engangeneki ibuyisela umfana othile, naye, wayevame ukugodola: “Yini engalungile ngaye? Akayona indlovukazi, intombazane nje evamile. Ngibambekile — angazi ukuthi ngingakuqeda kanjani.

Ivelaphi? Kusukela ekuhlangenwe nakho okubuhlungu kwasebuntwaneni kokulahlwa. Ngeshwa, abaningi bethu babenabazali abenqabayo. Ubaba wangcwatshwa ku-TV: ukuze adonse ukunaka kwakhe, kwakudingeka abe mnandi kakhulu kune "ibhokisi", ukwenza i-handstand noma ukuhamba ngesondo. Umama okhathele unomphela futhi omatasatasa, ukumamatheka kwakhe nokudumisa kungabangelwa idayari enezinhlanu kuphela. Abangcono kakhulu kuphela abafanelwe uthando: abahlakaniphile, abahle, abanempilo, abasubathi, abazimele, abanekhono, abafundi abahle kakhulu.

Kamuva, lapho umuntu esekhulile, abacebile kakhulu, isimo, ukuhlonishwa, ukuhlonishwa, okudumile, okuthandwayo kwengezwa ohlwini lwalabo abafanelwe uthando.

Sikhulile, kodwa namanje asikazifuni izindlela ezilula emigwaqweni yothando. Kudingekile ukukhombisa izimangaliso zobuqhawe, ukunqoba ubunzima obukhulu, ube ongcono kakhulu, uzuze konke, usindise, unqobe, ukuze uzwe injabulo yothando olufanayo. Ukuzethemba kwethu akuzinzile, kufanele sihlale “sikuphakele” ngezimpumelelo ukuze sizamukele.

Omunye umuntu angasamukela futhi asithande kanjani uma thina singazithandi futhi singazamukeli? Uma nje sithandwa ngenxa yalokho esiyikho, asiqondi: “Angenzanga lutho. Angiyinto yalutho, angifaneleki, ngiyisiphukuphuku, ngimubi. Bekungafanelwe lutho. Kungani ungithande? Mhlawumbe, yena ngokwakhe (yena ngokwakhe) akamele lutho.

“Njengoba evumile ukuya ocansini ngosuku lokuqala, cishe ulala nawo wonke umuntu,” kukhala omunye wabangane bami. “Usheshe wavuma ukuthi uzothandana nawe ngenxa yawo wonke amadoda akukhethe. Ingabe ngempela uzibona uphansi kangangokuthi ucabanga ukuthi owesifazane angeke athandane nawe ekuqaleni futhi alale nawe?

Iphethini icacile, kodwa lokhu akushintshi lutho: inqobo nje uma umuntu engakavuthwa ngokwengqondo, uzoqhubeka nokuyikhiqiza. Okufanele ukwenzele labo abawela ogibeni lothando «olungathandeki»? Ungaphatheki kabi. Lokhu okuhlangenwe nakho okunzima, kodwa okuwusizo kakhulu ekuthuthukiseni umphefumulo. Ngakho lufundisani uthando olunjalo?

Yini engafundisa uthando "olungenasisekelo"?

• zisekele wena kanye nokuzethemba kwakho, zithande wena ezimweni ezinzima zokulahlwa, ngaphandle kokusekelwa kwangaphandle;
• ukugxiliswa, ukuba ngokoqobo, ukubona hhayi kuphela omnyama nomhlophe, kodwa futhi nemibala eminingi yeminye imibala;
• yiba khona lapha futhi manje;
• zazisa okuhle ebudlelwaneni, noma yini encane;
• kuhle ukubona nokuzwa othandekayo, umuntu wangempela, hhayi iphupho lakho;
• yamukela othandekayo nakho konke ukushiyeka nobuthakathaka;
• hawukelani, nihawukele, nibonise umusa nesihawu;
• baqonde izidingo zabo zangempela kanye nalokho abakulindele;
• thatha isinyathelo kuqala, thatha izinyathelo zokuqala;
• ukwandisa i-palette yemizwa: ngisho noma lena imizwa engemihle, icebisa umphefumulo;
• phila futhi umelane nokushuba kwemizwa;
• veza imizwa ngezenzo nangamagama ukuze uzwakale;
• yazisa imizwa yomunye;
• hlonipha imingcele, umbono kanye nenkululeko yokuzikhethela kothandekayo;
• ukuthuthukisa amakhono ezomnotho, asebenzayo, asekhaya;
• yiphani, yiphani, yabelanani, yiphani;
• ukuba muhle, umsubathi, ufane, uzilungise kahle.

Ngokuvamile, uthando oluqinile, olusinda ezimweni ezinzima zokungavumelani, luzokuphoqa ukuba unqobe ukulinganiselwa nokwesaba okuningi, lufundise ukwenza othandekayo wakho lokho ongakaze ukwenze ngaphambili, wandise i-palette yakho yemizwa namakhono obudlelwane.

Kodwa kuthiwani uma konke lokhu kungasizi? Uma wena ngokwakho ungumuntu olungile, kepha inhliziyo yesithandwa sakho izohlala ivaliwe kuwe?

Njengoba uFrederick Perls, umsunguli we-Gestalt therapy, asho: “Uma umhlangano ungenzeki, akukho okungenziwa ngawo.” Kunoma ikuphi, amakhono obudlelwano kanye nohlu olubanzi lwemizwa oyifundile ekuhlangenwe nakho kothando olunjalo kuwukutshalwa kwezimali kwakho kuwe impilo yonke. Bazohlala nawe futhi bazokusiza nakanjani ebudlelwaneni obusha nomuntu ongakwazi ukukubuyisela uthando lwakho - ngenhliziyo, umzimba, ingqondo, namagama athi: "Ngiyakuthanda."