Okuqukethwe
Ingabe ubonakala ucela intethelelo ngobuqotho futhi uyazibuza ukuthi kungani lowo oxoxa naye eqhubeka nokucasuka? Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo u-Harriet Lerner, ku-I'll Fix It All, sihlola ukuthi yini eyenza ukuxolisa okubi kube kubi kakhulu. Uyaqiniseka ukuthi ukuqonda amaphutha akhe kuyomvulela ithuba lokuthethelelwa ngisho nasezimweni ezinzima kakhulu.
Yiqiniso, ukuxolisa okuphumelelayo akukhona nje ukukhetha amagama afanele nokugwema imisho engafanele. Kubalulekile ukuqonda isimiso ngokwaso. Ukuxolisa okuqala ngemishwana kungathathwa njengokungaphumeleli.
1. "Ngiyaxolisa, kodwa..."
Ngaphezu kwakho konke, umuntu olimele ufuna ukuzwa ukuxolisa okuqotho okuvela enhliziyweni ehlanzekile. Uma ungeza okuthi «kodwa», wonke umphumela uyanyamalala. Ake sikhulume ngalesi sixwayiso esincane.
"Kodwa" cishe njalo kusho izaba noma ngisho nokukhansela umyalezo wokuqala. Okushoyo ngemva «kodwa» kungase kube fair ngokuphelele, kodwa akunandaba. I-"kodwa" isivele yenza ukuxolisa kwakho kwaba mbumbulu. Ngokwenza kanjalo, uthi, “Uma kubhekwa umongo jikelele wesimo, ukuziphatha kwami (ukuba luhlaza, ukubambezeleka, ukubhuqa) kuqondakala kahle.”
Asikho isidingo sokungena ezincazelweni ezinde ezingacekela phansi izinhloso ezinhle
Ukuxolisa ngokuthi «kodwa» kungase kuqukathe ukusikisela kokungaziphathi kahle komkhulumeli. “Ngiyaxolisa ngokuthi ngivukile,” kusho omunye udade komunye, “kodwa kwangiphatha kabi kakhulu ukuthi awuzange unikele eholidini lomkhaya. Ngakhumbula ngokushesha ukuthi ngiseyingane yonke imisebenzi yasendlini yawela emahlombe ami, futhi umama wakho wayehlale ekuvumela ukuba ungenzi lutho, ngoba wayengafuni ukufunga nawe. Uxolo ngokudelela, kodwa bekumele umuntu akutshele yonke into.
Vumelana, ukuvuma icala okunjalo kungalimaza umxhumanisi nakakhulu. Futhi amagama athi “othile bekufanele akutshele yonke into” ngokuvamile azwakala njengecala elingagwegwesi. Uma kunjalo, lesi yisikhathi senye ingxoxo, okudingeka ukhethe isikhathi esifanele futhi ubonise ubuhlakani. Ukuxolisa okungcono kakhulu kufushane kakhulu. Asikho isidingo sokungena ezincazelweni ezinde ezingacekela phansi izinhloso ezinhle.
2. "Ngiyaxolisa ukukuthatha kanjalo"
Lesi esinye isibonelo se-"pseudo-apology". “Kulungile, kulungile, ngiyaxolisa. Ngiyaxolisa ukuthi usithathe kanjalo isimo. Bengingazi ukuthi kubaluleke kangaka kuwena.» Umzamo onjalo wokubeka icala emahlombe womunye umuntu futhi uzikhulule ekuthwaleni umthwalo wemfanelo mubi kakhulu kunokungabikho ngokuphelele kokuxolisa. Lawa magama angamcasula nakakhulu lowo okhuluma naye.
Lolu hlobo lokugwema luvamile. "Ngiyaxolisa ukuthi uphoxekile ngesikhathi ngikuqondisa emcimbini" akukhona ukuxolisa. Isikhulumi asizibophezeli. Uzibona elungile - kuhlanganise nokuthi uxolisile. Kodwa eqinisweni, wadlulisela umthwalo wemfanelo kowoniwe kuphela. Empeleni akushilo ukuthi, "Ngiyaxolisa ukuthi uphendule ngokweqile emazwini ami anengqondo futhi anobulungiswa." Esimweni esinjalo, kufanele uthi: “Ngiyaxolisa ngokuthi ngikulungise ephathini. Ngiyaliqonda iphutha lami futhi ngeke ngiliphinde esikhathini esizayo. Kuyafaneleka ukuxolisa ngezenzo zakho, futhi ungaxoxi ngokusabela kwe-interlocutor.
3. "Ngiyaxolisa uma ngikuzwise ubuhlungu"
Igama elithi «uma» lenza umuntu angabaze ukusabela kwakhe. Zama ukungasho ukuthi, «Ngiyaxolisa uma bengingazweli” noma “Ngiyaxolisa uma amazwi ami ebonakala ebuhlungu kuwe.” Cishe konke ukuxolisa okuqala ngokuthi «Ngiyaxolisa uma…» akukhona ukuxolisa. Kungcono kakhulu ukusho lokhu: “Inkulumo yami yayicasula. Ngiyaxolisa. Ngabonisa ukungazweli. Ngeke kuphinde kwenzeke."
Ngaphezu kwalokho, amagama athi "ngiyaxolisa uma ..." avame ukubonwa njengokululaza: "Ngiyaxolisa uma ukuphawula kwami kubonakala kukucasula." Ingabe lokhu ukuxolisa noma inkomba yokuba sengozini kanye nokuzwela komuntu oxoxa naye? Imishwana enjalo ingashintsha i-"I'm sorry" yakho ibe "anginalutho engizoxolisa ngalo."
4. “Bheka ukuthi wenzeni ngenxa yakho!”
Ngizokutshela indaba eyodwa edumazayo engizoyikhumbula impilo yami yonke, nakuba yenzeka emashumini ambalwa eminyaka adlule. Lapho indodana yami endala uMatt ineminyaka eyisithupha, yayidlala nengane efunda nayo uSean. Ngesinye isikhathi, uMatt wahlwitha ithoyizi kuSean futhi wenqaba ngokuphelele ukulibuyisela. USean waqala washaya ikhanda phansi ngokhuni.
Umama kaSean wayeseduze. Wasabela ngaso leso sikhathi kulokho okwakwenzeka, futhi ngenkuthalo impela. Akazange acele indodana yakhe ukuba iyeke ukushaywa ngekhanda, futhi akazange atshele uMatt ukuba abuyisele ithoyizi. Kunalokho, wakhuza umfana wami kabuhlungu. “Bheka nje ukuthi wenzeni, Math! ebabaza ekhomba uSean. Wenza uSean ashaye ikhanda phansi. Xolisa kuye ngokushesha!”
Kwakuzodingeka aphendule ngalokho angazange akwenze nangakwazi ukukwenza
UMatt wayenamahloni futhi eqondakala. Akatshelwanga ukuthi axolise ngokuphuca omunye umuntu ithoyizi. Bekumele axolise uSean eshaye ikhanda phansi. UMatt wayedinga ukuziphendulela hhayi ngokuziphatha kwakhe, kodwa ngokusabela kwenye ingane. UMatt wabuyisela ithoyizi wahamba ngaphandle kokuxolisa. Ngabe sengitshela uMatt ukuthi bekufanele axolise ngokuthatha ithoyizi, kodwa kwakungelona iphutha lakhe ukuthi uSean ashaye ikhanda lakhe phansi.
Ukube uMatt uziphendulele ngokuziphatha kukaSean, ngabe wenza okungalungile. Kwakuzodingeka aphendule ngalokho angazange akwenze nangakwazi ukukwenza. Bekungeke kube kuhle nakuSean - ubengeke afunde ukuziphendulela ngokuziphatha kwakhe nokubhekana nentukuthelo yakhe.
5. "Ngixolele ngokushesha!"
Enye indlela yokuphazamisa ukuxolisa ukuthatha amazwi akho njengesiqinisekiso sokuthi uzothethelelwa ngokushesha. Kumayelana nawe kanye nesidingo sakho sokudambisa unembeza wakho. Ukuxolisa akufanele kuthathwe njengokufumbathisa okumelwe uthole okuthile kumuntu okoniwe, okungukuthi, intethelelo yakhe.
Amazwi athi "uyangixolela?" noma "ngicela ungixolele!" evame ukusho lapho ukhuluma nabantu obathandayo. Kwezinye izimo, lokhu kufanelekile ngempela. Kodwa uma wenze isono esingathi sína, akufanele uthembele ekuthethelelweni ngokushesha, ingasaphathwa eyokuthi usifune. Esimweni esinjalo, kungcono ukuthi: “Ngiyazi ukuthi ngenze isono esikhulu, futhi ungangithukuthelela isikhathi eside. Uma kukhona engingakwenza ukuze ngithuthukise isimo, ngicela ungazise.”
Lapho sixolisa ngobuqotho, ngokwemvelo silindela ukuba ukuxolisa kwethu kuholele ekuthetheleleni nasekubuyisaneni. Kodwa ukufuna intethelelo kumosha ukuxolisa. Umuntu owoniwe uzwa ingcindezi - futhi ucasulwe nakakhulu. Ukuthethelela omunye umuntu ngokuvamile kuthatha isikhathi.
Umthombo: H. Lerner “Ngizoyilungisa. Ubuciko obucashile bokubuyisana ”(Peter, 2019).