Kusukela ebuntwaneni, amadoda esikhathi esizayo afundiswa ukuba namahloni ngemizwa "yethenda". Ngenxa yalokho, bobabili abesifazane nabesilisa ngokwabo bahlushwa yilokhu - mhlawumbe nangaphezulu. Ungawuphula kanjani lo mbuthano ononya?
Abesifazane bazwela kakhulu kunabesilisa futhi bajwayele ukukhuluma ngemizwa yabo. Ngokulandelayo, amadoda adlulisela isidingo sothando, ukusondelana, ukunakekelwa kanye nenduduzo ngesifiso sobulili. Isiko lamapatriarcha esiphila kulo liphoqa amadoda ukuthi athobise imizwa yabo "yethenda" kanye "nokucela" ebudlelwaneni bomzimba.
Ngokwesibonelo, u-Ivan ufuna ubulili ngoba ucindezelekile futhi ujabulela ukunethezeka akuzwa embhedeni nowesifazane. Futhi uMark uphupha ngocansi lapho ezizwa enesizungu. Uyaqiniseka ukuthi uyobonisa ubuthakathaka uma etshela abanye ukuthi unesizungu futhi udinga othile eduze.
Ngakolunye uhlangothi, ukholelwa ukuthi kungokwemvelo ukufuna ukusondelana ngokomzimba okwanelisa isidingo sakhe sokusondelana ngokomzwelo.
Kodwa yimiphi imizwelo eyisisekelo ebangela isifiso sobulili? Kunini lapho kuvusa inkanuko yobulili, futhi nini isidingo sothando nokukhulumisana?
Ungacabangi ukuthi imizwa «emnene» ingeyababuthakathaka. Yibo abasenza abantu.
Amadoda amaningi asakholelwa ukuthi «avunyelwe» ukuveza ngokukhululekile imizwelo emibili kuphela eyisisekelo - inkanuko yobulili nentukuthelo. Imizwa eminingi "yethenda" - ukwesaba, ukudabuka, uthando - ilawulwa ngokuqinile.
Akumangazi ukuthi imizwa «yethenda» engayitholi indawo yokuphuma ibambelela esikebheni esidonsayo socansi. Ngesikhathi socansi, amadoda ayangana, aphulule, aqabule futhi athande ngaphansi kwesenzo esamukelekayo sesenzo sobudoda kakhulu - i-feat phambi kocansi.
Kudokhumentari ethi The Mask You Live In (2015), umqondisi uJennifer Siebel ulandisa indaba yokuthi abafana nezinsizwa balwela kanjani ukuzigcina naphezu kwemikhawulo emincane yombono waseMelika wobudoda.
Uma amadoda nabafana befunda ukuphatha lonke uhla lwabo lwemizwa, hhayi nje intukuthelo nesifiso socansi, sizobona ukwehla okuphawulekayo kwamazinga okukhathazeka nokudangala kuwo wonke umphakathi.
Lapho sivimba imizwelo eyisisekelo (ukudabuka, ukwesaba, intukuthelo) kanye nesidingo sokusondelana (uthando, ubungane, ukulangazelela ukukhulumisana), siyacindezeleka. Kodwa ukucindezeleka nokukhathazeka kuyaphela ngokushesha lapho siphinde sixhuma emizweni eyisisekelo.
Isinyathelo sokuqala esiholela enhlalakahleni ukuqonda ukuthi sonke silangazelela ukusondelana, kokubili ngokocansi nangokomzwelo. Futhi isidingo sothando “sinesibindi” njengokomela amandla nokuzazi. Ungacabangi ukuthi imizwa «emnene» ingeyababuthakathaka. Yibo abasenza abantu.
Amathiphu angu-5 okusiza indoda ivuleleke
1. Mtshele ukuthi bonke abantu, kungakhathaliseki ubulili, bahlangabezana nemizwa efanayo eyisisekelo - ukudabuka, ukwesaba, intukuthelo, ukunengeka, injabulo nokuvuswa ngokocansi (yebo, nabesifazane).
2. Vumela indoda ebalulekile kuwe ukuthi isidingo sokuxhuma ngokomzwelo kanye nesifiso sokwabelana ngemizwa nemicabango akuyona into engavamile kumuntu ngamunye wethu.
3. Mmeme ukuthi azokwabelana nawe ngemizwa yakhe futhi agcizelele ukuthi awuyihluleli imizwa yakhe noma uyibone njengobuthakathaka.
4. Ungakhohlwa ukuthi abantu bayinkimbinkimbi kakhulu. Sonke sinamandla nobuthakathaka bethu, futhi kubalulekile ukukucabangela.
5. Mncome ukuthi abukele ifilimu ethi Imaski Ohlala Ngayo.
Umbhali: U-Hilary Jacobs Hendel uyi-psychotherapist, umlobi we-New York Times, kanye nomeluleki we-Mad Men (2007-2015).