Hamba ngesithunzi: kungani kunzima kangaka madoda?

“Ngobunye ubusuku, ngibuya emsebenzini, ngathola indiza yenkampani yezindiza eyaziwayo, ibekwe phezu kwetafula endlini yokuphumula, endaweni ebonakalayo. Ngaphakathi kwakukhona ithikithi eliya eNew York. Ngafuna incazelo kumyeni wami. Wathi wahlangana nomunye wesifazane wabe esezohlala naye.” Lena yindlela umyeni kaMargarita oneminyaka engu-12 ubudala amemezele ngayo ukuphela komshado weminyaka engu-44.

Nansi indlela isoka likaLydia, 38, elishilo ngemuva konyaka lihlala ndawonye: “Ngathola i-imeyili evela kuye lapho ethi ujabule ngami, kodwa wathandana nomunye. Incwadi yaphetha ngokufisela inhlanhla!

Ekugcineni, ubuhlobo bokugcina bukaNatalia oneminyaka engu-36 ubudala nomlingani wakhe ngemva kweminyaka emibili yobudlelwane babubukeka kanje: “Wazivalela futhi wathula amasonto. Ngazama ukubhodloza imbobo kulolu donga olungenalutho kwanhlanga zimuka nomoya. Wahamba, ethi useya kubangane ukuze acabange ngakho konke futhi azilungise. Akaphindanga wabuya, futhi angibange ngisazithola izincazelo.”

“Zonke lezi zindaba ziwubufakazi obengeziwe bokuthi kunzima kakhulu ngamadoda ukubona nokuveza imizwa yawo,” kusho isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo nesazi sobulili uGianna Schelotto. — Bavinjwa ukwesaba imizwa yabo, ngakho amadoda avame ukuphika, ekholelwa ukuthi ngale ndlela bayogwema ukuhlupheka. Kuyindlela yokungazivumi ukuthi kunezinkinga.”

Emphakathini wanamuhla, amadoda ajwayele ukwenza futhi afinyelele imiphumela ekhonkolo. Ukubhidliza ubudlelwano kuyabathunaza, ngoba kufana nokulahlekelwa nokungavikeleki. Futhi-ke - ukukhathazeka, ukwesaba nokunye.

Kungenxa yalokhu ukuthi abaningi abakwazi ukuhlukana nomuntu wesifazane ngokuthula futhi bavame ukugijimela inoveli entsha, bengakaze baqedele eyedlule, futhi ngezinye izikhathi bangayiqedi. Kuzo zombili izimo, kuwumzamo wokuvimbela ukungabi nalutho kwangaphakathi okwesabekayo.

Ukungakwazi ukwehlukana nomama

“Amadoda, ngomqondo othile, “akhubazekile ngokomzwelo” uma kuziwa endabeni yokuhlukana,” kusho uGianna Skelotto, “asuke ekulungele ukwehlukana.”

Ebuntwaneni, lapho umama ewukuphela kwento efiswayo, ingane iyaqiniseka ukuthi ihlangene. Ngokuvamile umfana uyaqaphela ukuthi wayenephutha lapho uyise engena—indodana iyaqaphela ukuthi kumelwe imbonise uthando lukanina. Lokhu kutholwa kuyasabisa futhi kuyaqinisekisa ngesikhathi esifanayo.

Futhi lapho ubaba engekho noma engahlanganyeli kakhulu ekukhuliseni ingane? Noma ingabe umama unegunya elikhulu noma unakekela kakhulu? Akukho ukuqaphela okubalulekile. Indodana ihlale inesiqiniseko sokuthi iyikho konke kumama, ukuthi ngeke ikwazi ukuphila ngaphandle kwayo bese ishiya izindlela zayo zokubulala.

Ngakho-ke ubunzima ebudlelwaneni nendoda esekhulile kakade: ukuzihlanganisa nowesifazane noma, ngokuphambene, ukuyeka. Ilokhu inyakaza phakathi kokufuna ukuhamba nokuzizwa inecala, indoda ayenzi lutho kuze kube yilapho owesifazane ezenzela esakhe isinqumo.

Ukudluliswa kwesibopho

Umlingani ongakakulungeli ukuqala isehlukaniso angasichukuluza ngokubeka kowesifazane isixazululo asidingayo.

UNikolai oneminyaka engu-30 uthi: “Ngincamela ukushiywa esikhundleni kunokuba ngiziyeke. “Ngakho-ke angibonakali ngiyisixhwanguxhwangu. Kwanele ukuziphatha ngendlela engabekezeleleki ngangokunokwenzeka. Ugcina esehola, hhayi mina.”

Omunye umehluko phakathi kwendoda nowesifazane ushiwo u-Igor oneminyaka engu-32, oseneminyaka engu-10 eshadile, onguyise wengane encane: “Ngifuna ukudela yonke into futhi ngiye kude, kude. Ngiba nemicabango efanayo izikhathi ezingu-10 ngosuku, kodwa angilokothi ngilandele ukuhola kwayo. Kodwa inkosikazi yasinda kabili kuphela kule nkinga, kodwa zombili izikhathi yahamba ukuze icabange.

Le-asymmetry kumaphethini wokuziphatha ayimangazi nakancane i-Skelotto: “Abesifazane bakulungele kakhulu ukwehlukana. “Zenziwa” ukuba ziveze inzalo, okungukuthi, ukuze zinqobe uhlobo oluthile lokunqunywa kwesitho somzimba wazo. Yingakho bekwazi ukuhlela ikhefu.”

Izinguquko esimweni senhlalo sabesifazane eminyakeni engu-30-40 edlule nazo ziyakhuluma ngalokhu, uyanezela uDonata Francescato, uchwepheshe we-Italian Psychologies: “Kusukela ngeminyaka yawo-70s, ngenxa yenkululeko nokunyakaza kwabesifazane, abesifazane sebefuna kakhulu. Bafuna ukwanelisa izidingo zabo zobulili, uthando nezingqondo. Uma le ngxube yezifiso ingatholakali ebudlelwaneni, bakhetha ukuhlukana nomlingani. Ngaphezu kwalokho, ngokungafani namadoda, abesifazane banesidingo esibalulekile sokujabulela nokuthandwa. Uma beqala ukuzizwa benganakiwe, bashisa amabhuloho.”

Ngakolunye uhlangothi, amadoda, ngandlela thize, asabambe iqhaza emcabangweni womshado wekhulu lesi-XNUMX: lapho isigaba sokuyenga sesiphelile, abasenalutho abangase balusebenze, akukho abangakha.

“Owesilisa ngokwemvelo akadlali njengowesifazane, udinga ukuqinisekiswa okuncane kwemizwa. Kubalulekile ukuba abe ne-lair kanye nethuba lokudlala indima yokondla, okumqinisekisa ngokudla, kanye neqhawe elingakwazi ukuvikela umndeni wakhe, uFrancescato uyaqhubeka. “Ngenxa yale pragmatism, amadoda abona ukushabalala kobudlelwano sekwephuze kakhulu, kwesinye isikhathi kudlulele kakhulu.”

Nokho, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo sithi isimo siqala ukushintsha kancane kancane: “Ukuziphatha kwentsha kuba njengemodeli wesifazane, kuba nesifiso sokuyenga noma sokuthandwa. Okuhamba phambili ubudlelwano "obubophayo" obunothando nowesifazane ozoba yisithandwa kanye nenkosikazi.

Ubunzima kusAmbulo

Kuthiwani ngokuhlukana ubuso nobuso? NgokukaGianna Skelotto, amadoda azothatha igxathu elikhulu eliya phambili lapho efunda ukuhlukana ngokuthula, futhi angabuphuli ubudlelwano kabuhlungu. Manje, ngemva kokuthatha isinqumo sokuhlukana, amadoda avame ukuziphatha ngokudelela futhi cishe awalokothi aveze izizathu.

“Ukunikeza izincazelo kusho ukubona ukwehlukana njengeqiniso eliwumgomo okumele lihlaziywe. Ukunyamalala ngaphandle kwezwi kuyindlela yokuphika isigameko esibuhlungu nokwenza sengathi akwenzekanga lutho,” kusho uSkelotto. Ngaphezu kwalokho, "ukushiya ngesiNgisi" kuyindlela yokuphuca umlingani ithuba lokuzivikela.

UChristina oneminyaka engu-38 ubudala uthi: “Wahamba ngomzuzwana owodwa ngemva kweminyaka emithathu sindawonye, ​​futhi wahamba isikhashana wangabe esakwazi ukuhlala nami. Ukuthi ngimfakele ingcindezi. Sekudlule izinyanga eziyisishiyagalombili, futhi ngisazibuza ukuthi yini abefuna ukuyisho ukuthi ngenze iphutha. Ngakho-ke ngiphila - ngokwesaba ukuphinda ngenze amaphutha amadala nendoda elandelayo.

Konke okungashiwongo kuyabulala. Ukuthula kukhipha zonke izinkathazo, ukungabaza, ngakho owesifazane olahliwe akakwazi ukululama kalula - ngoba manje ubuza yonke into.

Ingabe amadoda enziwa abesifazane?

Izazi zezenhlalo zithi u-68% wokuhlukana kwenzeka ekuqaleni kwabesifazane, u-56% wedivosi - ekuqaleni kwamadoda. Isizathu salokhu ukwabiwa kwezindima zomlando: owesilisa ungumondli, owesifazane ungumgcini weziko. Kodwa ingabe kusenjalo? Sikhulume ngalokhu no-Giampaolo Fabris, uprofesa wesayensi yezenhlalo yabathengi e-Iulm Institute eMilan.

“Impela, izithombe zomama wesifazane kanye nomgcini weziko kanye nomzingeli wesilisa ovikela umndeni ziyavela. Kodwa-ke, awukho umngcele ocacile, ama-contours afiphele. Uma kuyiqiniso ukuthi abesifazane abasancikile ngokwezomnotho kumlingani wabo futhi bahlukana kalula, khona-ke kuyiqiniso futhi ukuthi abaningi babo banenkinga yokungena noma ukubuyela emakethe yezabasebenzi.

Ngokuqondene namadoda, yiqiniso, "abesifazane" ngomqondo wokuthi bayazinakekela futhi bafake imfashini ngaphezulu. Nokho, lezi izinguquko zangaphandle kuphela. Amadoda amaningi athi awakunaki ukwahlukaniswa okufanele kwemisebenzi yasekhaya, kodwa ambalwa kuwo anikela ngesikhathi sawo ekuhlanzeni, uku-ayina noma ukuwasha izingubo. Iningi liya esitolo liyopheka. Okufanayo nezingane: zihamba nazo, kodwa eziningi azikwazi ukuqhamuka nomunye umsebenzi ohlangene.

Sekukonke, akubukeki sengathi umuntu wesimanje usephenduke indima yangempela. Uyaqhubeka ezizwa enomthwalo wemfanelo kowesifazane ezingeni lezinto ezibonakalayo, kodwa kuncike kuye ngezinga lemizwa.