Yiziphi izigaba zokukhula umbhangqwana odlula kuzo? Kunini lapho izingxabano zingenakugwenywa khona ekuphileni ndawonye? Yini eshintsha ukubukeka kwengane? Imindeni ihlelwa kanjani enkathini yokukhetha abantu ngabanye? Umbono we-psychoanalyst u-Eric Smadzh.
Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esingumFulentshi u-Eric Smadja siza eMoscow ukuzokwethula uhlelo lwesiRashiya lwencwadi yakhe ngemibhangqwana yesimanje kanye nokuqhuba isemina yezinsuku ezimbili njengengxenye yohlelo lwenkosi lwe-psychoanalytic psychotherapy e-National Research University Higher School of Economics.
Sambuza ukuthi ucabangani ngenyunyana yothando namuhla.
Psychology: Ngabe isiko lesimanje lokuzenzela umuntu linomthelela emcabangweni wokuthi hlobo luni lombhangqwana esingathanda ukuwakha?
U-Eric Smadja: Umphakathi wethu ubonakala ngokwanda kobuntu ngabanye. Imibhangqwana yesimanje ayizinzile, intekenteke, ihlukene futhi ifuna ubudlelwano. Lona umqondo wami wombhangqwana wesimanje. Lezi zimpawu ezine ziveza umthelela wobuntu ekudalweni kombhangqwana. Namuhla, enye yezingxabano eziyinhloko kunoma yimuphi umbhangqwana ukuphikiswa kwezithakazelo ze-narcissistic kanye nezithakazelo zomlingani kanye nombhangqwana uwonke.
Futhi lapha sibhekene nendida: ubuntu bubusa emphakathini wanamuhla, futhi ukuphila kombhangqwana kusiphoqa ukuba sidele ezinye zezidingo zethu ngabanye ukuze sihlanganyele ukuphila komkhaya futhi sikwenze kube yinto eza kuqala kithi. Umphakathi wethu uyaxaka, ubeka izimo zengqondo ezixakayo kithi. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, ikhuthaza ukukhula komuntu ngamunye, kodwa ngakolunye uhlangothi, ibeka zonke izinhlobo zokuziphatha ezilinganayo kuwo wonke amalungu ayo: sonke kufanele sidle into efanayo, siziphathe ngendlela efanayo, sicabange ngendlela efanayo ...
Kungase kubonakale sengathi sinenkululeko yokucabanga, kodwa uma sicabanga ngendlela ehlukile kunabanye, babheka i- askance kithi, futhi ngezinye izikhathi basibheka njengabalahliwe. Uma uya kunoma iyiphi inxanxathela yezitolo ezinkulu, ubona izinhlobo ezifanayo lapho. Noma ngabe ungowaseRussia, um-Argentina, umMelika noma isiFulentshi, uthenga into efanayo.
Iyiphi into enzima kakhulu empilweni nindawonye?
Akukho okunzima kakhulu, kunobunzima obuningana obuyohlala bukhona. Ukuhlala "nawe" kakade kunzima ngokwanele, ukuhlala nomunye umuntu kunzima nakakhulu, ngisho noma uxhunywe uthando olukhulu. Lapho sisebenzelana nomunye umuntu, kuba nzima kithi, ngoba uhlukile. Sisebenzelana nabanye abantu, hhayi uzakwethu we-narcissistic.
Wonke umbhangqwana ubhekene nezingxabano. Ingxabano yokuqala - phakathi kobunikazi kanye nokunye, phakathi kokuthi "Mina" kanye "nokunye". Noma ngabe ngokwengqondo sikuqaphela ukungezwani kwethu, ngokwengqondo kunzima ukuthi sikwamukele ukuthi omunye uhlukile kithi. Yilapho amandla aphelele e-narcissism yethu, umninimandla onke kanye nondlovukayiphikiswa, engena khona. Ingxabano yesibili izibonakalisa ekufuneni ukulingana phakathi kwezithakazelo ze-narcissistic kanye nezithakazelo zento, phakathi kwezithakazelo zami kanye nezithakazelo zomunye.
Umbhangqwana udlula ezikhathini ezinzima. Lokhu akunakugwenywa, ngoba umbhangqwana uyinto ephilayo eguqukayo
Ukungqubuzana kwesithathu: isilinganiso sabesilisa nabesifazane kumlingani ngamunye, kuqala ngocansi futhi kugcine ngezindima zobulili emndenini nasemphakathini. Ekugcineni, ingxabano yesine - isilinganiso sothando nenzondo, u-Eros no-Thanatos, abahlale bekhona ebudlelwaneni bethu.
Omunye umthombo wokudideka — ukudlulisa. Ngamunye wabalingani komunye uyisibalo sokudluliselwa maqondana nabafowabo, odadewabo, umama, ubaba. Ngakho-ke, ebuhlotsheni nozakwethu, sidlala kabusha izimo ezihlukahlukene ezivela emaphusheni ethu noma kusukela ebuntwaneni. Kwesinye isikhathi umlingani uzofaka esikhundleni sethu isithombe sikababa, kwesinye isikhathi umfowethu. Lezi zibalo zokudluliselwa, ezihlanganiswe uzakwethu, ziba yizinkinga ebudlelwaneni.
Ekugcineni, njengawo wonke umuntu, umbhangqwana udlula ezikhathini ezinzima emjikelezweni wabo wempilo. Lokhu akunakugwenywa, ngoba umbhangqwana uyinto ephilayo eguqukayo, eguqukayo, ehamba ebuntwaneni bayo kanye nokuvuthwa kwayo.
Zenzeka nini izinkinga kwabashadile?
Isikhathi sokuqala esibuhlungu umhlangano. Ngisho noma sifuna lo mhlangano futhi sifuna ukwakha izithandani, kusewukuhlukumezeka. Kakade kumuntu oyedwa lesi yisikhathi esibucayi, bese kuba njalo kumbhangqwana, ngoba lesi yisikhathi sokuzalwa kombhangqwana. Bese siqala ukuhlala ndawonye, ukuphila kwethu okufanayo ngokuphindwe kathathu, sijwayelane. Lesi sikhathi singaphela ngomshado noma enye indlela yokwenza ubudlelwano bube semthethweni.
Isikhathi sesithathu esibucayi yisifiso noma ukungafuni ukuba nengane, bese ukuzalwa kwengane, ukuguquka kusuka kokubili kuya kwezintathu. Lokhu kuwukuhlukumezeka okukhulu ngempela kubazali ngamunye nakubhangqwana. Noma ngabe ubuyifuna ingane, iseyisihambi, ingena empilweni yakho, ingene emfeceni wokuvikela wombhangqwana wakho. Eminye imibhangqwana ihlangene kahle kangangokuthi yesaba ukubukeka kwengane futhi ayifuni. Ngokuvamile, le ndaba mayelana nokuhlasela iyathakazelisa kakhulu ngoba ingane ihlale ingaphandle. Ngokwezinga lokuthi emiphakathini yendabuko akathathwa njengomuntu nhlobo, kufanele "enziwe ubuntu" ngemikhuba ukuze abe yingxenye yomphakathi ukuze amukelwe.
Ukuzalwa kwengane kuwumthombo wokuhlukumezeka kwengqondo komunye nomunye wabalingani kanye nesimo sengqondo sombhangqwana.
Ngikusho konke lokhu ukuthi ukuzalwa kwengane kuwumthombo wokuhlukumezeka kwengqondo komunye nomunye wabalingani kanye nesimo sengqondo sombhangqwana. Izinkinga ezimbili ezilandelayo ziqala ukukhula kwengane, bese ukuhamba kwezingane ekhaya labazali, i-syndrome ye-nest engenalutho, nokuguga kwabalingani, umhlalaphansi, lapho bezithola bebodwa, bengenabantwana futhi bengasebenzi, baba. ogogo nomkhulu…
Ukuphila komndeni kudlula ezigabeni ezibucayi ezisishintshayo futhi lapho sikhulela khona, sihlakaniphe kakhudlwana. Ngamunye wabalingani kumele afunde ukubekezelela ubunzima, ukwesaba, ukunganeliseki, izingxabano. Kuyadingeka ukusebenzisa ubuhlakani bomuntu ngamunye ukuze kuzuze umbhangqwana. Ngesikhathi sokungqubuzana, kuyadingeka ukuthi ngamunye wabalingani azi ukuthi angasebenzisa kanjani "i-masochism" yakhe enhle.
Iyini i-masochism enhle? Kuwukusebenzisa ikhono lethu lokukhuthazelela ukukhungatheka, ukukhuthazelela ubunzima, ukubambezela ukuzijabulisa, ukulinda. Ezikhathini zokungqubuzana okukhulu, ukuze singahlukani futhi sisinde kulolu vivinyo, sidinga ikhono lokukhuthazela, futhi lokhu kuyi-masochism enhle.
Uzizwa kanjani ngombhangqwana ongafuni noma ongakwazi ukuba nengane? Ingabe kulula ukwamukela manje kunangaphambili?
Ngokuphambene nomphakathi wendabuko, imibhangqwana yanamuhla inamathela ezinhlotsheni ezihlukahlukene zokuphila komshado, ubulili. Umndeni wesimanje uyalibona ilungelo lokungabi nomntwana. Umphakathi wamukela imindeni engenabantwana, kanye nabesifazane abangashadile abanengane namadoda anezingane. Lokhu, mhlawumbe, kungenye yezinguquko ezinkulu emphakathini: uma singenabantwana, lokhu akusho ukuthi bazosikhomba ngomunwe, ukuthi sibi kakhulu kunabanye, ukuthi singumbhangqwana wesigaba sesibili. Noma kunjalo, ekuqulekeni kweqoqo nasekuqulekeni kwabantu, umbhangqwana ongenabantwana uthathwa njengento exakile.
Kodwa futhi, konke kuncike ekutheni sikhuluma ngamuphi umphakathi. Konke kuncike emfanekisweni wendoda nowesifazane njengabameleli balo mphakathi. Ngokwesibonelo, emphakathini waseNyakatho Afrika, uma owesifazane engenangane, akanakubhekwa njengowesifazane, uma indoda ingenabantwana, akayena indoda. Kodwa ngisho nasemphakathini waseNtshonalanga, uma ungenazo izingane, abantu abaseduze nawe baqala ukukhuluma ngakho: kuyadabukisa ukuthi abanayo ingane, futhi kungani kunjalo, kuwubugovu kakhulu, mhlawumbe banohlobo oluthile izinkinga ze-physiological.
Kungani imibhangqwana isahlukana?
Izizathu eziyinhloko zokuhlukana ukunganeliseki ngokocansi kanye nokuntuleka kokukhulumisana kwabashadile. Uma impilo yocansi, esiyibheka njengenani elikhulu namuhla, ihlupheka, lokhu kungavusa ukuhlukana kwabalingani. Noma uma singenalo ucansi olwanele kumbhangqwana, siqala ukubheka ukwaneliseka ngokocansi eceleni. Lapho umbhangqwana ungasayitholi indlela yokuphuma, unquma ukuhamba.
Ukuzihlonza ngokweqile nabanye kubeka engcupheni i-narcissism yami kanye nokuzazi kwami.
Esinye isici - lapho omunye womshado engasakwazi ukubekezelela ukuhlala ndawonye, ugijimela enkululekweni. Uma omunye wabalingani ekhokha kakhulu amandla namandla emndenini, kanti omunye ugxile ekuthuthukisweni komuntu siqu, khona-ke ukuhlala ndawonye kulahlekelwa incazelo yayo. Abanye abantu abantekenteke abanokuthambekela kwe-narcissistic bafinyelela esiphethweni sokuthi "Ngeke ngisakwazi ukuhlala nombhangqwana, hhayi ngoba ngingasathandi, kodwa ngoba kucekela phansi ubuntu bami." Ngamanye amazwi, ukuzihlonza ngokweqile nabanye kubeka engcupheni i-narcissism yami nokuzichaza kwami.
Kwamukeleka kangakanani ukuxhumana kwangaphandle namuhla?
Kumbhangqwana wesimanje, umlingani ngamunye kufanele abe nenkululeko eyanele. Izintshisekelo zomuntu ngamunye, ze-narcissistic zithathe ukubaluleka okukhulu. Kunemikhawulo embalwa. Kodwa ezingeni lezengqondo, isivumelwano esithile, isivumelwano se-narcissistic, siphethwa kumbhangqwana. "Ngikukhethile, sakhetha sodwa, siqhutshwa isifiso sokuzikhethela kanye nobuphakade bobudlelwano bethu." Ngamanye amazwi, ngiyathembisa ukuthi nguwe wedwa, umlingani wami oyingqayizivele, futhi ngiyohlala nginawe. Lo mbono uhlanganyela nomqondo wobuKristu womshado. Lo mbono ungase ube semakhanda ethu, kodwa akubona ngaso sonke isikhathi konke okwenzekayo ngaleyo ndlela.
Sakha abashadile, sicabange ukuthi omunye uzosiyenga, ukuthi sizoba nezindaba zothando nabanye.
UFreud uthe i-libido yomlingani ngamunye iyashintsha, izulazula isuka kwenye into iye kwenye. Ngakho-ke, isivumelwano sokuqala kunzima ukusifeza kukho konke ukuphila ndawonye, kungqubuzana nokuhlukahluka kwe-libido. Ngakho-ke namuhla, ngokukhula kobuntu kanye nenkululeko, sakha imibhangqwana, sicabanga ukuthi omunye umuntu uzosikhohlisa, ukuthi sizoba nezindaba zothando nabanye. Konke kuncike ekutheni ngamunye wabalingani ngaphakathi kombhangqwana uzoshintsha kanjani, kuzoba yini ukukhula kwakhe kwengqondo, futhi ngeke sikwazi lokhu kusengaphambili.
Ngaphezu kwalokho, kuncike ekuziphendukeleni kombhangqwana ngokwawo. Luhlobo luni lwesiko lomshado olwasungulwa? Ingabe thina, esikweni elikhethiwe lomndeni, kanye nomlingani othile, singaba nokunye ukuxhumana okungaphandle? Mhlawumbe kungase kube nezindaba ohlangothini ezingalimazi umlingani futhi zingabeki engozini ukuba khona kombhangqwana.