Okuqukethwe
“Ngaso sonke isikhathi kudingeka sifune izaba zokungabi nabantwana futhi sichazele abanye noma kithi ngokwethu isinqumo sethu,” ngokuvamile ivuma imibhangqwana engahleli ukwandisa imikhaya yayo. Okwani? Esinye sezizathu zokubeka izaba ngenkani kusezinkolelo-mbono ezingezinhle mayelana nokungabi nabantwana.
Mina nomkami saqala umndeni ngaphambi kwesikhathi kakhulu kunabaningi esasibajwayele: Ngangineminyaka engu-21 ubudala, yena engu-20. Sasisesekolishi ngaleso sikhathi. Eminyakeni embalwa kamuva, sasisengenabantwana - lapha saqala ukuzwa njalo imibono nemibono abanye abavame ukwakha ngayo imibhangqwana engenabantwana.
Abanye basikisela ukuthi ukuphila kwethu kusenzima ukucatshangelwa njengokuphelele, kuyilapho abanye beyihalela obala inkululeko yethu. Ngemuva kwemibono eminingi, kwakukhona ukuqiniseka ukuthi bonke labo abangajahile ukuba nezingane bangabantu abanobugovu abagxile kubo kuphela.
Ngixoxe ngalesi sihloko nosomlando uRachel Hrastil, umbhali wencwadi ethi How to Be Childless: The History and Philosophy of Life Without Children. Sithole imibono engemihle mayelana nezithandani ezingenazo izingane ezingasekelwe ngempela ubufakazi besayensi.
1. Laba bantu bayaxaka
Ukungabi nabantwana ngokuvamile kubhekwa njengento engavamile futhi engavamile. Kubonakala sengathi izibalo ziyaqinisekisa: izingane ziyiningi labantu abaphila emhlabeni (noma bazoba) Noma kunjalo, kunzima ukubiza lesi simo ngokungathandeki: kunabantu abaningi abangenabantwana kunokuba sicabanga.
“Abesifazane abangaba ngu-15% e-United States bafinyelela eminyakeni engu-45 ubudala ngaphandle kokuba omama, ngokuzithandela noma ngenxa yokungakwazi ukuzala,” kusho uRachel Hrastil. — Lona cishe owesifazane oyedwa kwabayisikhombisa. Phela, bambalwa kakhulu abantu abanxele phakathi kwethu.”
Kwamanye amazwe, njengeJalimane neSwitzerland, amanani okuntula abantwana aphakeme nakakhulu, asondele ku-1:4. Ngakho ukungabi nabantwana akuvamile, kodwa kuyinto evamile.
2. Banobugovu
Ebusheni bami, ngangivame ukuzwa ukuthi “ukuba umzali kuyikhambi lobugovu.” Futhi nakuba bonke laba bantu abafanelekayo, abazali, becabanga kuphela inhlalakahle yabanye (abantwana babo), ngisalindele ukuba ngiphulukiswe ebugovu bami. Ngiyangabaza ukuthi ngihlukile ngalo mqondo.
Nginesiqiniseko sokuthi uyazi inqwaba yabazali abazicabangela bona. Kanye nalabo abangenazo izingane, kodwa ngubani, yiqiniso, ongabizwa ngokuthi unomusa futhi ophanayo. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, umuntu omdala ozicabangela yena yedwa, cishe angase abe umzali ozicabangela yena yedwa, noma azitshele ngezindleko zezingane zakhe noma athande ukuzicabangela kwakhe kuzo. Pho livelaphi leli cala?
Ukuba umzali kuwumsebenzi onzima ngempela, futhi kwabaningi bethu akulula ukuba nekhono emsebenzini wobuzali.
Obaba nomama abakuqaphela kahle ukuzidela kwabo bangase bacabange ukuthi abangenabantwana abazi lutho ngokuthi kusho ukuthini ukunikela ngesikhathi namandla abo kwabanye. Kodwa ukuba umzali akusona isidingo noma isimo esanele sokufiphaza i-egoism. Ngaphezu kwalokho, ziningi ezinye izindlela zokungazicabangeli, njengenkonzo ephusile, isisa, ukuvolontiya.
3. Imibono yabo iwumphumela wokunyakaza kwabesifazane
Kunenkolelo enjalo ethandwa kakhulu: wonke umuntu waba nezingane kwaze kwaba yilapho kusungulwa izinto zokuvimbela inzalo futhi abesifazane yonke indawo baqala ukusebenza. Kodwa uChrastil uphawula ukuthi abesifazane kuwo wonke umlando baye bakhetha ukwenza ngaphandle kwezingane. “Iphilisi lashintsha kakhulu,” kusho yena, “kodwa hhayi njengoba sicabanga.”
Emuva ngawo-1500 emazweni anjengeBrithani, iFrance neNetherlands, abantu baqala ukuhlehlisa umshado futhi bashada lapho sebeneminyaka engu-25-30 ubudala. Cishe i-15-20% yabesifazane abazange bashade nhlobo, ikakhulukazi emadolobheni, futhi abesifazane abangashadile, njengomthetho, babengenazo izingane.
Ngezikhathi zama-Victorian, ngisho nalabo abashadile babengabatholi abantwana. Babethembele ezindleleni zokulawula inzalo ezazitholakala ngaleso sikhathi (futhi ngezinga elithile zazisebenza kahle).
4. Impilo yabo ayibalethi ukwaneliseka.
Abaningi bakholelwa ukuthi ukuba ngumama/ubaba kuyisiqongo, incazelo eyinhloko yobukhona. Ngokuvamile, labo abajabule ngempela futhi baqaphela ngokwabo ebuzali ngokugcwele bacabanga kanjalo. Ngokombono wabo, abangenabantwana baphuthelwa okuhlangenwe nakho okubalulekile kokuphila futhi bamosha isikhathi sabo nezinsiza zokuphila.
Abukho ubufakazi obuqand’ ikhanda bokuthi abazali baneliseke kakhulu ngokuphila kunabangebona abazali. Ukuba nezingane kungenza ukuphila kwakho kube nenjongo, kodwa kungaphumeleli. Futhi uma unezingane ezineminyaka engaphansi kwemihlanu noma eyeve eshumini nambili, awujabuli kakhulu kunemindeni engenabantwana.
5. Bangase babe nesizungu kanye nobunzima bezimali lapho sebekhulile.
Ingabe ukuba nezingane kuyaqinisekisa ukuthi kukhona ozosinakekela lapho siguga? Kanti ukungabi nabantwana kusho ukuthi sizoguga sodwa? Vele akunjalo. Ucwaningo lubonisa ukuthi ukuguga kuyinkinga yangempela kubantu abaningi uma kuziwa kwezezimali, ezempilo kanye nezenhlalakahle (ekuvikelekeni). Kodwa kwabangenayo ingane, lezi zinkinga azibi kakhulu kunawo wonke umuntu.
Abesifazane abangenabantwana bavame ukuba ngcono kunonina abaneminyaka efanayo, njengoba besebenza kakhulu futhi benezindleko ezincane
Futhi umsebenzi wokwakha nokugcina ubudlelwano bomphakathi ekugugeni uvela phambi kwawo wonke umuntu, kungakhathalekile ukuthi uyini umzali/ongenangane. Izingane ezindala eziphila ekhulwini lesi-XNUMX zisenezizathu eziningi zokungabakhathaleli abazali bazo asebekhulile.
6. Abahlangene nokuqhubeka kwesintu.
Umsebenzi wokuzala udinga okungaphezulu kakhulu kithi kunokuzalwa kwezingane. Isibonelo, ukuxazulula izinkinga zezenhlalo nezemvelo noma ukudala imisebenzi yobuciko eletha ubuhle nenjongo ekuphileni kwethu. “Ngithemba ukuthi amakhono ami, amandla, uthando nothando engiluletha emsebenzini kungenza umehluko empilweni yakho nasezimpilweni zabanye abazali,” kuphawula uChrastil.
Akudingeki ukuthi, kuwo wonke umlando kube khona futhi baningi abantu abaye benza iminikelo evelele emasikweni futhi bengebona abazali: uJulia Child, uJesu Kristu, uFrancis Bacon, uBeethoven, uMama Teresa, uNicolaus Copernicus, u-Oprah Winfrey - uhlu luyaqhubeka. Phakathi kwabantu abakhulisa izingane futhi abangajwayele ukuba umzali, kunobuhlobo obuseduze, obucishe bube yi-symbiotic. Sonke siyadingana ngempela, kuphetha uRachel Hrastil.
Mayelana nombhali: U-Seth J. Gillihan uyisazi sokusebenza kwengqondo sokuziphatha kwengqondo kanye noprofesa osizayo wezifo zengqondo eNyuvesi yasePennsylvania. Umbhali wama-athikili, izahluko zencwadi nge-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), kanye neqoqo lamashadi okuzisiza asekelwe kuzimiso ze-CBT.