Okuqukethwe
“Abesifazane bafundisiwe ukufihla amandla ethu”
UTeresa Baró
Uchwepheshe wezokuxhumana komuntu siqu emkhakheni wobungcweti, uTeresa Baró, ushicilela i- «Imparables», umhlahlandlela wokuxhumana wabesifazane «abahamba kanzima»
UTeresa Baró uchwepheshe wokuthi ukuxhumana komuntu kwenzeka kanjani futhi kusebenza kanjani emkhakheni wobungcweti. Enye yezinhloso aziphishekelayo usuku nosuku icacile: ukusiza abesifazane abangochwepheshe ukuthi babonakale, babe namandla amaningi futhi bafeze izinhloso zabo.
Ngalesi sizathu, ushicilela i- "Imparables" (Paidós), incwadi lapho ehlola khona umehluko phakathi kwendlela abesilisa nabesifazane abesifazane basebenzisa amandla okuxhumana emsebenzini, futhi ibeka izisekelo zabesifazane ukuthi bakwazi ukuveza imizwa yabo futhi bathathe phambili kunalokho abakufunayo, bakwazi ukuhlala esikhaleni esifanayo esilingana nontanga yabo. «Abesifazane banendlela yethu yokuxhumana engaqondakali kahle noma eyamukelwa ngaso sonke isikhathi
ibhizinisi, imvelo yezepolitiki futhi, ngokujwayelekile, emkhakheni womphakathi ”, kusho umbhali ukwethula le ncwadi. Kepha, inhloso akuyona ukuzivumelanisa nalokho okuvele kukhona, kepha phula izinkolelo-ze bese usungula imodeli entsha yokuxhumana. "Abesifazane bangahola ngesitayela sabo sokuxhumana futhi bathole ithonya, ukubonakala nenhlonipho enkulu ngaphandle kokudinga ukuba ngabesilisa." Sikhulume nochwepheshe we-ABC Bienestar ngalokhu kuxhumana, mayelana “nophahla lwengilazi” oludumile, mayelana nalokho esikubiza nge- “impostor syndrome” nokuthi kukangaki ukuphepha kokufunda okunganciphisa umsebenzi wobuchwepheshe.
Kungani umhlahlandlela wabesifazane kuphela?
Kuso sonke isipiliyoni sami sobuchwepheshe, ukweluleka abesilisa nabesifazane emkhakheni wobungcweti, ngibonile ukuthi ngokujwayelekile abesifazane banobunzima obuhlukile, ukungazethembi okusimaka kakhulu nokuthi sinesitayela sokuxhumana kwesinye isikhathi esingaqondakali noma esingamukelwa ebhizinisini, ipolitiki. Okwesibili, sithole imfundo ehlukile, abesilisa nabesifazane, futhi lokho kusinike isimo. Ngakho-ke sekuyisikhathi sokwazi, nokuthi ngamunye asungule imihlahlandlela yakhe yezokuxhumana ngendlela acabanga ukuthi kufanele enze ngayo. Kepha okungenani kufanele wazi lokhu kwehluka, wazi ukuthi kungani futhi ukwazi ukuhlaziya ngamunye wethu, ikakhulukazi abesifazane, ukwazi ukuthi le ndlela yokuxhumana esiyifundile isisiza kanjani noma ukuthi isisilimaza kanjani.
Ngabe kusenezithiyo eziningi zabesifazane emkhakheni wobungcweti? Zikuthinta kanjani ukuxhumana?
Izithiyo abesifazane abahlangabezana nazo emsebenzini, ikakhulukazi lezo zesilisa ngokwengeziwe, zakhiwe ngokwesimo: kwesinye isikhathi umsebenzi uqobo awuklanyelwe abesifazane noma abesifazane. Kusekhona ukubandlululwa mayelana namakhono abesifazane; izinhlangano zisaholwa ngabesilisa futhi zithanda amadoda… ziningi izinto eziyizithiyo. Lesi simo sisenza kanjani? Kwesinye isikhathi sigcina sesishiye phansi sicabanga ukuthi isimo sinje, okuyinto okufanele siyamukele, kepha asicabangi ukuthi ngokuxhumana ngenye indlela, mhlawumbe singafinyelela ngaphezulu. Ezimweni ezinabesilisa abaningi, kwesinye isikhathi amadoda akhetha abesifazane abanesitayela esiqinile, esiqonde ngqo, noma esicacile, ngoba imvamisa lesi sitayela sithathwa njengesiqeqeshiwe kakhulu, noma sihola kakhulu noma sinekhono, ngenkathi bengasiqondi isitayela esinozwela kakhulu, mhlawumbe esinomusa , ukuhlobana kakhudlwana, ukuqonda, nokuzwela. Babheka ukuthi lokhu akuwafanele kangako amabhizinisi athile noma izinto ezithile emsebenzini. Engikuphakamisayo encwadini ukuthi sifunde amasu ahlukene, amasu amaningi, ukuze sikwazi ukuzivumelanisa nesikhulumi, nendawo esisebenza kuyo, futhi ngaleyo ndlela sifeze izinhloso zethu kalula kakhulu. Imayelana nokuthola irekhodi elifanele kuzo zonke izimo.
Ngabe owesifazane ozimisele, onamandla futhi ngandlela thile aphume ephethini umphakathi omcabangayo usalokhu "ejeziswa" emkhakheni wobungcweti, noma ngabe umdala lowo?
Ngenhlanhla, lokhu kuyashintsha, futhi uma sikhuluma ngomholi wesifazane, kuyaqondakala ukuthi kufanele athathe isinqumo, athathe isinqumo, kufanele aziveze ngokucacile, ukuthi abonakale futhi angakwesabi lokho kubonakala. Kepha, nanamuhla abesifazane ngokwabo abamukeli ukuthi owesifazane usebenzisa lezi zindlela; lokhu kufundwe kahle. Umuntu ozihlukanisayo kubaphathi beqembu lakhe, kulokhu sikhuluma ngabesifazane, iqembu alibhekwa kahle, futhi uyajeziswa. Bese kuthi abesifazane uqobo lwabo basho kwabanye ukuthi banesifiso sokuvelela, ukuthi bangabaphathi, ukuthi ngisho okumele bakwenze ukusebenza kancane futhi bagxile emndenini wabo, kubukeka kubi ukuthi banesifiso sokuvelela noma ukuthi bathola imali eningi…
Kodwa futhi kubukeka kubi yini ukuthi owesifazane abe nemizwa noma uzwela ngokwengeziwe?
Yebo, futhi yilokho esikutholayo. Amadoda amaningi aqeqeshiwe kusukela ebuntwaneni ukufihla imizwa noma ukungazethembi kwabo, akuboni kukuhle noma kufanelekile ukuthi owesifazane aveze ubuthakathaka bakhe, ukungazethembi noma imizwa yakhe emihle noma emibi. Kungani? Ngoba bacabanga ukuthi indawo yokusebenza ikhiqiza, noma kwesinye isikhathi ubuchwepheshe, nendawo lapho imizwa ingenandawo khona. Lokhu kusajeziswa, kepha futhi siguquliwe. Manje sekuyabaluleka nakwabaholi besilisa nabesilisa abanozwelo kakhulu, abanesisa futhi abanomusa, sibona ngisho nomuntu okhalayo esithangamini nabezindaba, ovuma labo buthakathaka… sisendleleni efanele.
Ukhuluma ngengxenye yokuphathwa kwemizwa nokuzethemba, ngabe ucabanga ukuthi abesifazane bafundiswa ukungazethembi ngokwengeziwe?
Lokhu kuyinkimbinkimbi. Siyakhula ngokuphepha kwezinye izici zempilo yethu. Siyakhuthazwa ukuthi sivikeleke endimeni ethile: leyo kamama, unkosikazi, umngani, kepha ngakolunye uhlangothi, asifundisiwe kangako ekuphepheni kokuhola, kokubonakala enkampanini noma ukuhola imali eningi. Imali yinto ebonakala ingeyezwe lamadoda. Sisebenzela kakhulu abanye, bomndeni… kodwa futhi nawo wonke umuntu ngokujwayelekile. Ubungcweti obenziwa ngabesifazane imvamisa yilobo obubandakanya ukusebenzela othile: imfundo, ezempilo, njll. Ngakho-ke, okwenzekayo kithina ukuthi sifundisiwe ukufihla amandla ethu, okungukuthi, owesifazane ozizwa ephephe kakhulu kufanele ikufihle ngoba, uma kungenjalo, iyethusa, ngoba, uma kungenjalo, ingadala izingxabano ngokwesibonelo nezingane zakubo isencane, bese kuba nomlingani wayo bese kuba nabasebenza nayo. Kungakho sisetshenziselwa ukufihla lokho esikwaziyo, ulwazi lwethu, imibono yethu, impumelelo yethu, kanye nempumelelo yethu; kaningi sifihla impumelelo esibe nayo. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, amadoda ajwayele ukukhombisa ukuphepha noma engenawo. Ngakho-ke akuwona umbuzo kangako ukuthi sinokuphepha noma cha, kodwa kulokho esikukhombisa.
Ingabe i-imposter syndrome ivame kakhulu kwabesifazane kunakubesilisa?
Ucwaningo lokuqala ngalesi sihloko lwenziwa ngabesifazane ababili, nakwabesifazane. Kamuva kubonakale ukuthi ayithinti abesifazane kuphela, nokuthi kukhona nabesilisa abanalolu hlobo lokungazethembi kepha mina, ngokwesipiliyoni enginaso, lapho ngisezifundweni zami futhi sikhuluma ngalolu daba futhi siphasa izivivinyo, abesifazane njalo ngitshele: «Ngikugcwalisa konke, noma cishe konke». Sengiyiphile kaningi. Isisindo semfundo namamodeli esibe nawo asithonye kakhulu.
Ungasebenzela kanjani ukukunqoba?
Kulula ukusho, kunzima ukukwenza, njengazo zonke lezi zinkinga ezingokomzwelo nokuzethemba. Kepha into yokuqala ukuchitha isikhathi esithile nathi futhi sibukeze ukuthi umsebenzi wethu ube kanjani kuze kube manje, yiziphi izifundo esinazo, nokuthi sizilungiselele kanjani. Iningi lethu linerekhodi elimangalisayo emkhakheni wethu. Kumele sibuyekeze esinakho emlandweni wethu, kodwa hhayi lokhu kuphela, nokuthi abanye bathini endaweni yethu yobungcweti. Kufanele ubalalele: kwesinye isikhathi kubonakala sengathi, lapho besidumisa, sicabanga ukuthi kungenxa yokuzibophezela, kanti akunjalo. Abesilisa nabesifazane abasidumisayo bayakusho ngempela. Ngakho-ke into yokuqala ukukholelwa lawa mahlonipho. Okwesibili ukuhlola lokho esikwenzile kanti okwesithathu, okubaluleke kakhulu, ukwamukela izinselelo ezintsha, zokuthi yebo ezintweni eziphakanyisiwe kithi. Uma bephakamisa okuthile kithi, kuzokwenzeka ngoba bebonile ukuthi siyakwazi futhi siyakholelwa kithi. Ngokwamukela ukuthi lokhu kuyasebenza, sikhulisa ukuzethemba kwethu.
Indlela esikhuluma ngayo inamthelela muni, kodwa ukukwenza nathi uqobo?
Lesi sihloko sanele ezinye izincwadi ezintathu. Indlela yokukhuluma nathi iyisisekelo, okokuqala kulokhu kuzethemba nokuthi sinjani isithombe sethu, bese ukubona lokho esikukhipha phesheya. Imishwana yesitayela ivame kakhulu: “Ngiyisilima kanjani”, “Ngiyaqiniseka ukuthi abangikhethi”, “Kunabantu abangcono kunami”… yonke le misho, engemihle futhi isinciphise lot, ziyindlela embi kakhulu yokukhombisa ukuphepha phesheya. Uma kufanele, ngokwesibonelo, sikhulume esidlangalaleni, sibambe iqhaza emhlanganweni, siphakamise imibono noma amaphrojekthi, sikusho ngomlomo omncane, uma sisho njalo. Ngoba sikhulume kabi kakhulu kithi, asisaziniki nethuba.
Futhi singawenza kanjani ulimi sibe umngane wethu lapho sikhuluma nabanye emsebenzini?
Uma sibheka ukuthi isitayela sendabuko sokuxhumana kwabesilisa sicace bha, sicacile, sifundisa kakhulu, sisebenza ngempumelelo futhi sikhiqiza, inketho eyodwa ukuthi abesifazane basebenzise lesi sitayela ezimweni eziningi. Esikhundleni sokuthatha izindlela eziningi eziphambukayo emishweni, ukukhuluma ngokungaqondile, usebenzisa amafomula okuzinciphisa, njengokuthi “Ngiyakholelwa”, “kahle, angazi noma ucabanga into efanayo”, “Ngingasho lokho”, ngisebenzisa okunemibandela… esikhundleni sokusebenzisa onke la mafomula, ngingasho ukuthi ngiqonde kakhulu, ngicace futhi ngibe namandla. Lokhu kuzosisiza ukuthi sibonakale ngokwengeziwe futhi sihlonishwe kakhulu.
Kufanele abesifazane bangadangali kanjani ngenxa yokuthi, noma ngabe ngenza kahle kangakanani, kwesinye isikhathi bazofinyelela phezulu, ukuhlangabezana nalokho okubizwa ngokuthi “uphahla lwengilazi”?
Kuyindida ngoba kuliqiniso ukuthi baningi abantu besifazane abanamakhono, isimo sengqondo, kodwa ekugcineni bagcina beyekile ngoba kuthatha amandla amaningi ukunqoba lezi zithiyo. Kubonakala kimi ukuthi kukhona okumele sikunake, okuwukuziphendukela kwemvelo, ukuthi wonke umuntu, ikakhulukazi umphakathi waseNtshonalanga, uhlupheka manje. Uma sonke silwela ukuguqula lokhu, ngosizo lwabesilisa, sizokuguqula, kepha kufanele sisizane. Kubalulekile ukuthi abantu besifazane abangena ezikhundleni zokuphatha, ezikhundleni zomsebenzi, basize abanye besifazane, lokhu kubalulekile. Nokuthi ngamunye wethu akudingeki alwe yedwa.
Unguchwepheshe wezokuxhumana komuntu siqu emkhakheni wobungcweti. Unolwazi oluningi ekuphathweni kwezokuxhumana kwezokuxhumana nasekuqeqesheni ochwepheshe abavela kuyo yonke imikhakha. Isebenzisana nezinkampani namanyuvesi aseSpain naseLatin America, futhi yakha izinhlelo zokuqeqesha amaqembu ahlukahlukene kakhulu futhi akhethekile.
Kusukela ekuqaleni komsebenzi wakhe ubephelezela abesifazane abangochwepheshe ukuze babonakale, babe namandla amaningi futhi bafeze izinhloso zabo.
Ungumsunguli nomqondisi weVerbalnoverbal, iseluleko esikhethekile ekuthuthukiseni amakhono okuxhumana kuwo wonke amazinga enkampani. Ungumnikeli ojwayelekile kwabezindaba futhi ukhona ezinkundleni zokuxhumana eziyinhloko. Uphinde abe ngumbhali wencwadi ethi “The great guide to non-verbal language”, “Manual of successful personal communication”, “Illustrated guide to insult” kanye no “Non-verbal intelligence”.